[Eddie's lost enough in his own head that he doesn't register when Cisco stands up - it's only when Cisco is suddenly in front of him and grabbing for his shoulders that he really sees him. And he feels guilty for it, but he can't stop himself from recoiling. It's partly a startle response, and partly because Eddie is having one of those moments where being touched feels like too much and all he wants is to have his own space, to push people away from him, to retreat somewhere safe until he can put the smiles back on.
So his whole body is rigid as Cisco keeps his hands insistently in place, then reaches up to take his hands, pull them out of his hair. He's still stiff as Cisco holds them, his heart hammering in his chest and his breath still too fast and too light, but his eyes find Cisco's face. Search it for any sign of rejection or hatred or betrayal at Eddie being the one to hurt his friends this time, to hurt his family. But there's nothing.
Instead, Cisco reaches up to take hold of him, pulling him down by the shoulder, pressing his head against his shoulder, face tucked into the crook of his neck, and Eddie stays stiff for just a moment before his whole body slumps. It's terrible, to be accepting comfort from Cisco when he's killed people trying to be a hero, killed someone Cisco cares about. But still, guiltily, hating himself, he lets his arms come up and wrap loosely around Cisco's waist, acknowledging the comfort, inhaling the scent of him.
Eddie can feel his brain starting to go a little muddled, to fall into that sneaky pattern of self-flagellation he'd gotten into the habit of during those weeks under S.T.A.R. Labs, thinking himself in circles. He can feel it starting, and so he tries to focus, to shut down, to listen to what Cisco is saying.
And having someone here who cares, who was directly affected, who doesn't seem angry at him, doesn't blame him - it helps. He's thought so many times that one of the things he cherishes about having a relationship is having someone on his side, someone to support him. And Cisco is doing that. But it's not fair to let him do it at his own expense, and so after a few moments, Eddie speaks, voice rough and hoarse.]
no subject
So his whole body is rigid as Cisco keeps his hands insistently in place, then reaches up to take his hands, pull them out of his hair. He's still stiff as Cisco holds them, his heart hammering in his chest and his breath still too fast and too light, but his eyes find Cisco's face. Search it for any sign of rejection or hatred or betrayal at Eddie being the one to hurt his friends this time, to hurt his family. But there's nothing.
Instead, Cisco reaches up to take hold of him, pulling him down by the shoulder, pressing his head against his shoulder, face tucked into the crook of his neck, and Eddie stays stiff for just a moment before his whole body slumps. It's terrible, to be accepting comfort from Cisco when he's killed people trying to be a hero, killed someone Cisco cares about. But still, guiltily, hating himself, he lets his arms come up and wrap loosely around Cisco's waist, acknowledging the comfort, inhaling the scent of him.
Eddie can feel his brain starting to go a little muddled, to fall into that sneaky pattern of self-flagellation he'd gotten into the habit of during those weeks under S.T.A.R. Labs, thinking himself in circles. He can feel it starting, and so he tries to focus, to shut down, to listen to what Cisco is saying.
And having someone here who cares, who was directly affected, who doesn't seem angry at him, doesn't blame him - it helps. He's thought so many times that one of the things he cherishes about having a relationship is having someone on his side, someone to support him. And Cisco is doing that. But it's not fair to let him do it at his own expense, and so after a few moments, Eddie speaks, voice rough and hoarse.]
But I killed Ronnie.