[More than almost ever before, Iris seems like something nice that Eddie had for a while but no longer has, and possibly never had. Perhaps one of the most painful realizations in Eddie's life had been the moment he understood and accepted that the way Iris looked at Barry was different than the way she'd looked at him, and that the way she looked at Barry was how Eddie wanted to be looked at. Eobard's words in the pipeline had only been confirmation of something he already knew, and now, months removed, having someone who looks at him exactly the way he wants to be looked at, he understands that getting back together with her had been one last desperate attempt, and that it ultimately would have failed too.
It still hurts. Part of him still wants that back, desperately. Wants to be with her. Misses what they had and how things had been, how happy they'd been together, before Barry came back into the picture, when he'd thought he had her all to himself.
But the truth is, that had never been true. And Cisco is here, and warm against him, threading his fingers through Eddie's and pressing his hand over his heart. Cisco, who he knows well enough to know that placing Eddie's hand over his heart is an expression of profound trust, who's trying to help him feel better, trying to talk him through this while feeling uncertain about whether this will even continue to be a relationship. Cisco, who sits with him and tilts his head so he can look up at him with warm dark eyes, offers to take Iris' anger if it comes to that.
When Cisco asks if he's sure, Eddie remembers all the times they've told each other that they need to communicate the things that are going on under the surface, because both of them have a hard time articulating themselves. Have a hard time saying out loud when they value things, because they're both too aware that those things can go away so quickly. So he squeezes gently at Cisco's hand, and he tries to say the things he's thinking. It isn't as eloquent as he usually is, because the only way he could be eloquent about this is to think on it for days, and he doesn't want to make Cisco wait that long to hear it.]
Maybe she doesn't. I don't know. She hasn't really given me any indication. All I know is that she missed me and I missed her and we want to talk to each other, that we're very important to each other. We probably always will be.
[He takes a deep breath, leans in and buries his face against Cisco's hair, eyes closed.]
But you keep talking about what she wants, and I think you sort of...decided for me, what I want. Or what you think I deserve. But you haven't really asked me what I want, and you're forgetting that what you want factors into this whole thing too. The thing is, it's not just her choice. Even if she doesn't want to move on, I already have. I miss her. I miss what we had. But even before I died, I knew that what she and I had was doomed, not because of my death but because of Barry. I don't want to be in a relationship like that.
[Leaning forward, his voice is a little ragged when he continues.]
I love the way you look at me, like you really see me. I love how you touch me, and how you take care of me, and really listen to what I'm saying. I love that you helped me with the dishes on our first date, and that you push me to say how I'm really feeling and don't just expect me to be the solid one. I love that you let me be myself, but make me try new things and push me out of my comfort zone. I love that you trust me and that I can trust you and I love how smart you are and how enthusiastic you get and how you look when you're sleeping and...and that I can help you, that you can come to me when you're upset and...I love this.
And I know it's new and I know you're feeling insecure and I get why, but please stop. Stop putting yourself down, like you're not worth choosing, stop acting like I've only been with you because Iris isn't here, because it's not true. You are so, so important to me. I'm sure. Breaking up with you never even crossed my mind.
[He swallows hard, squeezes around Cisco's shoulders.]
And I'll tell her. We're having breakfast together tomorrow. I'll talk to her then.
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It still hurts. Part of him still wants that back, desperately. Wants to be with her. Misses what they had and how things had been, how happy they'd been together, before Barry came back into the picture, when he'd thought he had her all to himself.
But the truth is, that had never been true. And Cisco is here, and warm against him, threading his fingers through Eddie's and pressing his hand over his heart. Cisco, who he knows well enough to know that placing Eddie's hand over his heart is an expression of profound trust, who's trying to help him feel better, trying to talk him through this while feeling uncertain about whether this will even continue to be a relationship. Cisco, who sits with him and tilts his head so he can look up at him with warm dark eyes, offers to take Iris' anger if it comes to that.
When Cisco asks if he's sure, Eddie remembers all the times they've told each other that they need to communicate the things that are going on under the surface, because both of them have a hard time articulating themselves. Have a hard time saying out loud when they value things, because they're both too aware that those things can go away so quickly. So he squeezes gently at Cisco's hand, and he tries to say the things he's thinking. It isn't as eloquent as he usually is, because the only way he could be eloquent about this is to think on it for days, and he doesn't want to make Cisco wait that long to hear it.]
Maybe she doesn't. I don't know. She hasn't really given me any indication. All I know is that she missed me and I missed her and we want to talk to each other, that we're very important to each other. We probably always will be.
[He takes a deep breath, leans in and buries his face against Cisco's hair, eyes closed.]
But you keep talking about what she wants, and I think you sort of...decided for me, what I want. Or what you think I deserve. But you haven't really asked me what I want, and you're forgetting that what you want factors into this whole thing too. The thing is, it's not just her choice. Even if she doesn't want to move on, I already have. I miss her. I miss what we had. But even before I died, I knew that what she and I had was doomed, not because of my death but because of Barry. I don't want to be in a relationship like that.
[Leaning forward, his voice is a little ragged when he continues.]
I love the way you look at me, like you really see me. I love how you touch me, and how you take care of me, and really listen to what I'm saying. I love that you helped me with the dishes on our first date, and that you push me to say how I'm really feeling and don't just expect me to be the solid one. I love that you let me be myself, but make me try new things and push me out of my comfort zone. I love that you trust me and that I can trust you and I love how smart you are and how enthusiastic you get and how you look when you're sleeping and...and that I can help you, that you can come to me when you're upset and...I love this.
And I know it's new and I know you're feeling insecure and I get why, but please stop. Stop putting yourself down, like you're not worth choosing, stop acting like I've only been with you because Iris isn't here, because it's not true. You are so, so important to me. I'm sure. Breaking up with you never even crossed my mind.
[He swallows hard, squeezes around Cisco's shoulders.]
And I'll tell her. We're having breakfast together tomorrow. I'll talk to her then.