franciscoramon | IC Inbox

[He's not sure why Cisco is apologizing, when none of this was his fault. Cisco was one of the blameless ones, him and Iris and Joe, Ronnie and Caitlin. The people who hadn't done anything to contribute to what had happened, people who were victims. Even if he throws all the fault on Eobard, Eobard is still his responsibility, his descendant, his fault. Eobard came from him, and he can't just ignore that either. Eddie was the one who deserved to die because of Eobard, and no one else. Not Ronnie. Not anyone.

His eyes squeeze closed and he shivers a little, exhaling a rush of breath, resting his weight against Cisco, and when Cisco begs him to let him help, for Eddie to talk to him, he swallows hard, gnaws at his lower lip. With his brain going a million miles an hour, all sickening guilt that burns in his gut like acid, it's hard to work out what words he could say that would make sense.

After a moment, he exhales shakily, and speaks, his voice a little hitched.]

I...Eobard is my fault too. My responsibility.

[ Cisco doesn't know if it is because he's distracted, or because he has a head injury, but Harry calls Cisco by his first name. It makes Cisco feel the same rush of happiness that he does every time Harry pats his shoulder or ruffles his hair. Pathetic? Maybe. But he can't help it. ]

What you call 'cheap tactics' I call 'clever level design'. Nothing wrong with giving people a challenge, is there?

[ Cisco watches the screen as Harry plays through the level, only looking up occasionally at his face for any signs that this isn't working and he should find some better distraction. He keeps his suggestions to himself, letting Harry learn by trying the controls and making attempts, rather than offering advice, even though it's tempting. Harry gets a feel for it more quickly than Cisco was expecting - enough that he doesn't even begrudge him that smirk when he completes the level.

Taking the gamepad from him, Cisco searches quickly through the available levels that are marked as having a moderately high clear rate. There's something so normal about this; Cisco scoots a little closer, selecting a reasonable-looking level before handing the controls over once more. ]

Here, try this one, make sure to keep an eye out for the fire flowers.

[ It was 100% intentional. These days, there's no real bite to it when he calls Cisco by his last name; mostly, it just rolls off the tongue easier for him. But they're friends. He can admit that he's grown closer to Cisco in the past few months than he has most people in years. Right now, there's nothing awkward about him as he settles in casually by Cisco, and no hesitation in his voice when he says his name. He's not even thinking about it right now.

Harrison takes the gamepad back from him and shifts his position so he can see the screen better. When the level starts, he squints at it, then looks over at Cisco. ]

Fire flowers. [ A beat. ] Right.

[ It's no surprise that within ten seconds of the level starting, he jumps straight into one as it's coming out of a pipe. He lets out a huff, but really, he's not sure what he expected. He was warned. ]

Those fire flowers.

Why? Just because he's your great, great, great grandson, or whatever?! How is that on you? [ Cisco keeps smoothing his hand over Eddie's back as he speaks. ] I get it. In whatever distant way, he's family, and family stuff's complicated. But Eddie... don't you get it that saying it's your fault makes no sense. You didn't raise him. You didn't raise whoever raised him. It's so far removed... I don't even know who my great great great grandfather was. But I do know that, whoever he was, he certainly wasn't responsible for making me a good person, or a bad person, or an engineer, or whatever.

[ Cisco knows that Eddie's feeling of guilt isn't coming from a place of logic, that logical arguments probably aren't the way to alleviate it. But the idea that Eddie is responsible for Eobard is abhorrent to him - moreso than he would have anticipated. He takes a moment to sift through his thoughts, to understand why that line of reasoning upsets him. Once he realizes, he speaks again, quietly but firmly. ]

Look, I know- I know how easy it is, to see everything as your own personal fuck-up. But don't you see... trying to assign blame to other people for the things he did, that's a slippery slope. Is Barry responsible for Eobard, because he was the one he came back to kill? Is the real Harrison Wells, for providing him an identity he could use that people would trust? Am I responsible for him, for not saying the right thing at the right moment to make him change his ways?

[As much as Cisco might not think logic would work, it does have a surprisingly strong impact on Eddie. Empathetic and emotional as he is, he's a logical person. He understands cause and effect, action and consequence, and when Cisco explains things the way he does, it makes sense. Especially when he equates it to his own life, what he knows about his own family tree.

It makes sense, and it alleviates some of Eddie's fears. His body relaxes a little as he rests against Cisco, lets his strong hands rub firm gentle circles against his back. He accepts the comfort for a few moments, and listens. When Cisco starts equating it to things that Barry or Harrison or Cisco himself could have done to stop Eobard, he starts shaking his head a little, breath catching in his throat, because that's not how it is in his head. It's not the reasoning he was following.]

No, no. [He lifts his head so he can look at Cisco, jaw a little tight against the embarrassment of knowing his eyes are red-rimmed and stinging, even if he hasn't cried. But he wants to be looking Cisco in the face when he says it.]

I know that I didn't do anything to make him the way he is, and there's nothing...absolutely nothing, that you or Barry or Harrison did wrong to make him the way he is. No one could have changed that. [He swallows hard, and he can't hold eye contact, not while saying the next part.]

What is my fault is that he exists in the first place. He came from me, my bloodline. I'm not naive enough to think there's some evil lurking in my genetics or anything, but if I hadn't done what people do...if I hadn't fallen in love, had a family...he wouldn't exist. Me, doing those things, that's why he had a chance to become what he became for whatever reason he did. If I'd just...if I hadn't been so selfish, insisting on...

[He shakes his head, swallows hard past a dry lump in his throat.]

That's why I was the only one who deserved to die to take him out of the timeline. Not Ronnie, not any of the other people who were hurt or killed by the singularity. Just me. It should only, ever, have been me.

so close and yet so far :( :(

😩

damn. woulda been pretty sweet if that had worked. though maybe a little awkward to explain.

particularly to mr momoa

oh well at least this way i can take him everywhere with me

can't decide if that's cute or a lil bit creepy

lots of people think the lord is always with them
why not jason momoa

[ They pass quite a while just like that, the two of them sitting close together, Cisco watching, Harry playing. Cisco mostly keeps his reactions to himself, except for a couple of quick smiles and laughs when Harry pulls something off that has taken him a few tries. As Harry moves through the levels to gradually difficult ones, Cisco slowly starts teaching him the proper terms for things (even though he knows even before he says them that words like 'goombas' are going to make Harry roll his eyes).

And there's some shifting and twisting and pointing to the screen so he can suggest solutions to particularly difficult passages, until eventually Cisco is sitting right against Harry's side, shoulder to shoulder with him. Neither of them comments on it, but it is actually kind of nice. After a little while, Cisco insists on taking the gamepad so Harry has his hands free to ice his temple once more. ]

I'll show you how the level maker works, that way if you ever want to put one together, you can.

[ Cisco switches over to the level creation more and asks: ]

So what theme d'you think I should do? I'm thinking... conveyor belts. Lots and lots of conveyor belts. And springs.

honestly, i can't argue with that logic.

[ Any other day of the week, Harrison would probably make a remark about the very slim odds of him ever actually taking him up on that. Technology intrigued him and he was always looking for ways to innovate; game design was another story entirely. But tonight, settled in next to him with the two of them peering over at the gamepad while their cat and capybara are all curled up together in a corner of the room, there's something oddly . . . comforting about it all.

So instead, he takes it somewhat seriously — as seriously as one can when conveyor belts are on the table. ]

If you're a sadist, I suppose. [ A beat. ] Put a couple hidden blocks right there. Between the two belts, over the gap.

[ Cisco hates to see Eddie like this; trying hard to open up but still keeping his emotions in check, still controlling himself, because he thinks he needs to. The way Eddie's gaze slides from his makes Cisco's stomach sink with unhappiness. ]

How is any of that selfish? [ His voice is small when he says it, and Cisco brings his hands up to cup Eddie's face. ] There had to be at least a dozen other people who did the same thing to give him that chance. Whoever would've had your kid, and whoever would've married them, and were their parents to blame, too? What about your child's child?

[ Perhaps it is because he hasn't put as much thought into having kids as Eddie had, hadn't wanted it the same way he did, but Cisco still doesn't understand. Except he can hear the strain in Eddie's voice, and his own has started to go a bit funny as he cuts in to say, with a vehemence that's coming close to anger. ]

You didn't deserve to die. Please, Eddie. Please don't say that. It shouldn't have been you. The fact that they died and it's wrong doesn't mean that you dying was right.

[It isn't that he's afraid of showing Cisco how he feels - it's a complicated thing, the desire to keep his composure. An ingrained response, a desire not to look stupid and weak, a desire not to be seen that way. It had always helped him, to keep pushing those things down somewhere deep inside himself so he could remain functional. Iris had always allowed it, had never pushed hard to make him express himself.

Cisco doesn't make it easy to keep things bottled up. When his hands come up to cup Eddie's face, he glances up at him, his blue eyes flicking up to Cisco's dark ones for a moment before he looks down again. Cisco is always fighting on his behalf, it seems, feeling so intensely all the things Eddie should probably be expressing and can't bring himself to. Cisco is reassuring him, protective of him, almost angry on his behalf as he tells him he didn't deserve to die.

After a few moments, after Cisco is done speaking, he finally manages to hold eye contact, takes a few shaky breaths.]

I wanted to be perfect. [It seems so simple.] Have a good career and a family. If I'd just stopped wanting that for myself and stayed the fat kid, I probably wouldn't have had any of that, and... [He shrugs.] That sounds really stupid, doesn't it? Now that I said it out loud, it sounds really stupid.

[For a moment, he's still. Quiet. He doesn't do well at this, expressing himself. He isn't good at it. It's hard to know what to say to people, but after a moment he speaks again.]

If not me, then who?

Edited 2016-05-02 15:38 (UTC)

Oh, now who's the sadist, huh?

[ But Cisco puts in the hidden blocks, right where Harry has suggested, and adds a baby Bowser at the end of the conveyor belt, just to make things a little more interesting. As he does it, he glances up at Harry, grinning, hoping that the cruelty of that choice will earn some reaction from him - a smile, or an eyeroll which is almost as good as one. ]

You've gotta be able to beat it in order to upload it, so it can't be too impossible.

[ Which means that really, the only person Cisco is hurting is himself when he moves on to the next area and starts to lay out a series of springs that are much too far apart to jump between conveniently, but just close enough that it should be possible. ]

You're rubbing off on me. It's not my fault.

[ He gives him a smirk at that, settling in to watch and rolling his eyes at the baby Bowser. He doesn't know much about Mario, but he does know that that thing? Is awful. A light chuckle escapes his lips. ]

Are you saying you can't do this?

[ It's a challenge, really, one he knows that Cisco will accept in a heartbeat. So he leans over to make a few more suggestions — a pirrahna plant here, a mid-air blooper there, and a few other traps scattered about the level. Once they're done, he gives a nod over at the screen. ]

Alright, Cisco. Show me what you can do.

[ That's... a lot to mull over. It sounds like, at the bottom of it all, Eddie thinks he never deserved happiness. And happiness, as he saw it then (sees it still, probably) is all those things - career, family, fitting in, being fit, being 'perfect'. Things that someone as flawed and only-human as him didn't deserve.

He keeps quiet while Eddie tries to find the words, until he asks his question. ]

No one. The answer's no one.

[ Eddie's eyes look even bluer than usual, with his eyes so red; Cisco doesn't look away from them as he speaks. This strain in Eddie reminds Cisco so much of Barry - that impetus towards heroism comes with a corresponding pride that tends to take responsibility for everything under the sun. For each of them, Cisco knows, that desire to save everyone comes from pain. For Barry, it's the pain of what was done to his mother, the injustice of what happened to his father. For Eddie, he thinks it comes from an idea that he can only have self-worth in the service of others, that being a hero is his way of justifying his own existence on the planet.

Cisco wishes he could make him see that he doesn't need that justification. That it's okay to be flawed - that it's okay to just be. ]

You're not wrong for wanting to be happy. And you're not wrong for... living your life the way you want to, and being the person you wanna be. Whoever that person is. Not sure I really buy the whole 'perfection or bust' mindset, but that's neither here nor there right now. Eobard and everything he did aren't some kind of... comeuppance for your hubris, Eddie.

this is why we're friends
you get things

[Sometimes it catches him off-guard when Cisco stays still and listens to him and the expression on his face clearly communicates that he's taking it in, that he's processing it, that he's taking time with Eddie's words and thoughts, his feelings, and for a moment, his heart and his belly tense up because it's so strange to be heard like this. No one has ever really taken time to hear him, to put this much thought into what he's saying and unravel it for him because they want to make him feel better.

His throat is tight and for a few moments, after Cisco finishes speaking, he can't talk. Instead, he just leans his head forward and presses it against Cisco's forehead, breathes carefully, a ragged and trembling thing.]

I guess I just... [He holds his breath for a second, because speaking is hard, physically and mentally. It's hard to come out and say the things he has in his mind because they always sound so stupid out loud.] ...I thought that doing what I did would fix it. That it would be a sacrifice that was worth it and realizing what happened afterward, I thought...maybe it wasn't. Because I just hurt more people.

[His hands come up to cup Cisco's face between them, and he swallows hard, past a lump in his throat.] I saved you, though. [It's breathed out, almost a whisper.] And you make me so happy.

[Another shaky exhalation, and he brushes his thumbs against Cisco's cheekbones, hands still on either side of his face.] Why are you so good to me?

Edited 2016-05-03 20:49 (UTC)

[ Cisco makes a big show of rolling his shoulders, cracking each knuckle in turn, shifting and sitting up with better posture before he picks up the gamepad and switches their level over to the play mode. Knowing where the various traps and tricky sections are doesn't mean Cisco has the muscle memory to get through them just yet. He dies within about twenty seconds on his first run, looking up to meet Harry's eyes, knowing he's going to look smug and gloating.

But he'd much rather smug and gloating than that unfocused, lost look he'd seen when he first came in.

On his second attempt Cisco gets much further, until he forgets about the hidden blocks and crashes straight into them, plummeting down to the lava with a drawn out groan of disappointment. ]

Dammit!

[ The third time he makes a stupid mistake early on and gets creamed by a thwomp. The fourth time he's lost his rhythm and dies the same place he did on his first attempt. ]

I don't wanna hear a word!

[ He's just pre-empting any commentary that Harry might have to offer. The next three times he gets really close. Finally, after another two, he makes it to the end of the level, throwing his arms up in triumph. ]

Not too shabby, huh!

[ He's smug and gloating, but there's more life in his eyes than there was when he first came in. There's still much to be done, with getting Barry his speed back and taking on Hunter Zolomon and rescuing Snow, but it isn't weighing as heavily on his shoulders as it had been. Harrison lets out a chuckle the third time he dies and on the fourth time, he just turns his head over towards Cisco and smiles widely at him, not saying anything else.

When he finally clears the level, Harrison rolls his eyes — but he also reaches over to give him a less-than-enthusiastic pat on the shoulder. ]

Congratulations, Ramon, for beating the level you made.

[ The sarcasm practically oozes from his voice, but he gives him a smirk at that before settling back in and pressing the pack back to his forehead. A companionable silence hangs between the two of them as the level posts, allowing them to go back and scroll through some others. Harrison tilts his head to the side after a moment and holds out a hand for the gamepad. When he speaks, it's softer — his attempt at being casual. ]

You don't care if I stay here for a night or two, do you.

It doesn't work like that. The universe doesn't operate on scales of like... righteousness, or worthiness. Not really. Stuff just happens, and we try to do our best, but sometimes things are just... out of our control.

[ Cisco knows how tempting it can be to think that way. That it's possible to balance the equation - portion out the right amount of penance and things will be okay. But it's just an illusion; the randomness of the universe doesn't care about right or wrong. Which doesn't mean people should stop trying to do right, of course. But for different reasons. ]

You did save me.

[ He remembers it all too well - the way he'd flown through the air when Barry broke the time ship, how the Reverse Flash had sworn he was going to kill Barry, then him and Joe, and then Caitlin and Stein and everyone else...

When Eddie asks why Cisco is so good to him, it makes his chest ache a little. Logically, he knows he's asked the same question himself a dozen times at least, knows the exact emotional place it comes from. Which is why he hates with such vehemence the idea that Eddie is asking it, that he feels so unworthy of being treated kindly that it leaves him confused. ]

Gosh, I don't know. Guess I must like you or somethin'.

[ He kisses Eddie, then. Not for too long, and not too insistent. More of a gesture than a kiss. His voice is quieter as he adds, more seriously: ]

Because you're a good person, and you deserve it.

[ Even since they have been on better terms, it is still a rare thing, for Harry to ask for something from Cisco. He can slap a nonchalant tone of voice on it all he wants - Cisco can still recognize a request when he hears one. And there's a lot implied by asking it. That Harry doesn't want to be on his own, enough that he would actually admit it. That being kidnapped had rattled him enough to put aside his pride.

The answer is so obvious to Cisco - he responds easily, quickly. ]

'Course I don't mind. Harry, you don't mind if Harry stays, do you?

[ The cat, curled up close to Pythagoras's side, seems to recognize from his tone that Cisco is speaking to her. She lifts her head, ears forward, and blinks slowly at the two of them a few times before laying her head back down again. And it's impossible for Cisco not to think that those two animals, settled close to one another, are a bit like him and Harry sitting side by side.

Tomorrow no doubt Harry will want to go to his workshop and throw himself into something he sees as productive, and Cisco will come with him, and help. But for right now, it's Cisco's job as his friend to do what he can to distract Harry from his own thoughts. Fortunately for Harry, Cisco can be very distracting. ]

Long as you're willing to watch some X-Files with me. That's the price of admission. [ Cisco makes an exaggerated face of consideration and adds, generously: ] Though I'm willing to substitute in Battlestar Galactica if persuaded.

I don't even know what either of those are.

[ Harrison makes a face as he tries to play it off like he doesn't care and to a degree, he doesn't. Cisco could put on the worst television show known to man (currently: that abomination the other Allen was describing not too long ago) and Harrison would still stick around, complaining the entire time. He can't help but follow that up with the smallest of smiles as he dips his head and pushes the gamepad aside, letting Cisco take care of everything so they can settle in with a show and a bowl of popcorn.

There's something comforting in sitting there, casually leaning against one another and letting the banter flow as the screen flickers. No matter how bad things get, Ramon's been there. He may not acknowledge it much, but it's not something that Harrison takes lightly. He's not going to coddle him or lie and say everything will be fine; he's an active partner in finding a solution. And it's strange, how Harrison finds himself starting to feel a similar instinct to what he feels around Jesse at times — wanting to be a better person, someone actually worthy of their time and energy. He shakes his head briefly at the thought before snatching the popcorn from him, monopolizing the bowl for however long he'll let him. ]

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