It doesn't work like that. The universe doesn't operate on scales of like... righteousness, or worthiness. Not really. Stuff just happens, and we try to do our best, but sometimes things are just... out of our control.
[ Cisco knows how tempting it can be to think that way. That it's possible to balance the equation - portion out the right amount of penance and things will be okay. But it's just an illusion; the randomness of the universe doesn't care about right or wrong. Which doesn't mean people should stop trying to do right, of course. But for different reasons. ]
You did save me.
[ He remembers it all too well - the way he'd flown through the air when Barry broke the time ship, how the Reverse Flash had sworn he was going to kill Barry, then him and Joe, and then Caitlin and Stein and everyone else...
When Eddie asks why Cisco is so good to him, it makes his chest ache a little. Logically, he knows he's asked the same question himself a dozen times at least, knows the exact emotional place it comes from. Which is why he hates with such vehemence the idea that Eddie is asking it, that he feels so unworthy of being treated kindly that it leaves him confused. ]
Gosh, I don't know. Guess I must like you or somethin'.
[ He kisses Eddie, then. Not for too long, and not too insistent. More of a gesture than a kiss. His voice is quieter as he adds, more seriously: ]
[It doesn't seem fair. It's hard to wrap his head around the idea that he hadn't done anything wrong, that he couldn't have done anything different, that he hadn't screwed things up somehow. That if he'd just behaved in a different way, done different things, then none of this would have happened. He wouldn't have died, Cisco and Iris and Barry and Joe and everyone else wouldn't have been hurt. Whenever he thinks about Eobard, tries to make it make sense in his head, the only thing that works is that Eddie had done something wrong by wanting a family.]
I guess it's easier to blame myself than accept that.
[His voice is soft, rough, and he falls quiet as Cisco teases him, then leans in to kiss him and afterward says in a voice that's softer and more honest that he thinks Eddie is a good person, and he deserves it. A weak but genuine smile crosses Eddie's face, and he leans in to press a soft kiss against Cisco's lower lip, then sighs softly.]
You're so good, and I just don't know how you put up with my moping sometimes. [A little laugh, equally weak, and he closes his eyes for a moment.] I'll make it up to you. I promise.
[ Funny, how similar the two of them can be. If the situation were reversed, Cisco knows he would be saying the exact same thing. Eddie's helped him through far worse than just moping - to him, it seems only too obvious that the scales are tipped so that he is the one who owes the debt. But it's much easier to say I'm not "putting up" with you than it is to actually believe it. ]
Don't worry about it. Lemme take care of you for once, okay?
[ With that, Cisco gently nudges Eddie back towards the bed, arm looped around his lower back. Part of him wants to tell Eddie that he can just let it out, that he'll feel better if he just cries and gets it out of his system. But he knows better than that by now. It's more difficult for Eddie than it is for him, letting certain kinds of vulnerability show. What he needs is patience, not advice or commentary. ]
I'm glad you talked to Rip. He's gotta know something that'll be helpful.
[ Because he doesn't want Eddie only thinking about the past - not when there's a future ahead of them in which the chances of being able to save him just got a little bit better. ]
[It's very difficult for Eddie to be the one who is vulnerable or hurt, and usually he'd push it down, bury it under smiles and activity. But Cisco can read him too well for that now, is too attentive, and it both hurts and feels good that Cisco is seeing this ugly weak part of himself and is somehow, impossibly, still here. Eddie is so used to people liking him because he smiles, because he is strong and capable of providing support, and even still, whenever he shows this part of himself, he expects it to be a turn-off. That he won't be appealing or sexy anymore, because of his weakness. An object of pity instead of admiration.
So when Cisco wraps an arm around his back and asks to be allowed to take care of him, walks to the bed with him and sits close, it makes his throat tight all over again. He settles and nods and can't reply because he can't talk past the lump in his throat until Cisco changes the subject.]
So am I. Most of what he said went totally over my head, but I thought you'd probably understand it. And he seemed pretty willing to help. It kind of surprised me, since he seemed kinda harsh at first. I thought he might be mad that I messed up the timeline, but...
[Rip had also said it was beyond his control, that he couldn't help it. Its just hard to accept or believe.]
[ Cisco makes a small scoffing noise when Eddie says he thought Rip would be mad, rubbing his hand against Eddie's back once again when they've sat down. ]
If what I've heard from Ray's true, he's personally done a hell of a lot more to mess up the timeline than you. Than either of us.
[ They'd nearly changed the outcome of the Cold War: that's bigger than Eddie erasing one man from existence by killing himself, even with the singularity factored in. But Cisco isn't actually judgmental of the fact that Rip's intervened. Quite the opposite. ]
That's good, though. It means when he says he's willing to help, he means it. He's willing to do the right thing even if it's hard. And saving you's the right thing, so... he'll have our backs, probably. Which is awesome.
[ Cisco turns to plant a kiss on Eddie's temple. There are no guarantees, but Cisco isn't going to let his optimism flag. He'll believe enough for the both of them, work hard enough, and they'll find a way. He knows they will. ]
Well Ray said that instead of just asking, he just grabbed all of them and then showed them what the world would look like if they didn't stop Savage. I don't think tact's really his thing, somehow.
[Cisco's hand presses against his back, warm and supportive, and Eddie lets his eyes fall closed. They still sting, feel gritty with the pressure of needing to cry but not wanting to. It's still weighing on him, heavy, the guilt and the grief and the sense of shame, the crushing feeling of failure - he has a feeling it's going to be there, lurking, for a long time, ready to surface the moment he's not thinking enough. As much as he believes Cisco, as he believes he means what he's saying, this is something that's going to take a long time to pass, he thinks.
For now, he tries to go along with what Cisco is doing, distracting and focusing on the positive, listens to him talking about what he knows about Rip, about what that might mean for him and his future. For their future.]
You're right. He seems like that kind of person. I'm not sure I trust him yet, but...it might mean something good.
[Eddie takes another breath, then shifts against the bed, leans over and rests his head against Cisco's shoulder, swallows hard.]
I could use more good. Getting closer to being able to go home. [A shaky exhalation.] What do you think life would be like? Back home?
Yeah, me either. [ Trust isn't something Cisco gives out very lightly these days. Not after Jay. But he doesn't have to trust Rip for him to be useful.
Cisco presses his cheek against Eddie's head; he can tell Eddie only feels a fraction better, if that. At least he'd stayed, hadn't left and closed himself off. The rest will come with time, hopefully. Time and patience. ]
Well... let's see. I have thought about it quite a bit. [ Cisco brings a hand up to run fingers through Eddie's hair as he talks, knowing how much that kind of touch helps him when he's low. He keeps his voice slow, speculative, gentle. ]
My idea was, we can tell everyone you're the you from Earth-2. Not like anyone's gonna be going through any breaches to check. Captain Singh and the police department all know about doppelgangers. You'd have to lie a little bit, to a lot of people, but I think that would be the best way. You might be able to get your job back.
And... chances are one way we can make sure we don't ruffle the timeline too much is having you change your name. Can't be Eddie Thawne, ancestor to Eobard Thawne, if make your legal name... Eddie Smith. Or you could go for a pun and have it be Eddie Kreuger. That'd be pretty funny.
[ But Eddie hadn't been only asking about the hows of it. He wanted reassurance. To be able to imagine it as a real possibility. So he switches from how it would be, to how it will be, and focuses on the details. ]
Other than that I think it'll be about the same. Even if you aren't at the CCPD anymore, you can help at S.T.A.R. Labs. We've got the whole Zoom mess to deal with and it's all hands on deck. Jitters has got a new drink on their menu called the Flash, so obviously, you gotta try that. And there's this awesome new Korean place I'm definitely dragging you to. Plus I'm still gonna make you watch Star Trek, even without as much time to kill as we have here.
[The warm weight of Cisco's head against his is reassuring, and Eddie exhales some of the tension. He's still feeling shaky, reeling a little, and part of him thinks it hasn't entirely settled in yet, hasn't registered properly. It doesn't have to, right now. Cisco was honest with him, and he appreciates it, especially after their conversation about not avoiding the hard things, but it's taking a while for his brain to properly go over everything that's been said. To process the staggering level of guilt and responsibility, and also the justifications Cisco had given him.
But Cisco is here and warm and supportive and gently pushing him to keep him from giving up or closing off and shutting down, and so he lets Cisco do it. Lets him take some of the weight off and talk at him about what it will be like when he goes home, how they can handle it - more reassuring than Cisco might think, actually, because plans and strategies seem so concrete to him - and then how they'll be. The things they'll do together, that Cisco will show him. Exhaling a shaky sigh, he gives Cisco a weak smile.]
They know about the doppelgangers? That's definitely helpful. Eddie Kreuger isn't bad but...I could use my mom's maiden name, maybe. Eddie Bradford? Not bad.
[Another exhalation, and he loops his arm around the small of Cisco's back, closes his eyes while he thinks about that. Being back in Central City, being at the CCPD or in S.T.A.R. Labs, going to Jitters and Korean with Cisco, watching Star Trek and playing video games.]
Mm, I'll have to bring you dinner at the Labs when you forget to come home because you're too busy working on things. Maybe you could teach me how to be your lab assistant.
[Opening his eyes, he glances up at Cisco - from this angle he can just see the angle of his jaw, the shape of his lips and nose - and smiles a bit.]
[ Cisco scrapes his fingernails lightly against Eddie's scalp, cards fingers through his fine hair - it's gotten long, these last few months. It wouldn't be hard, convincing Singh that this Eddie was a different person. He seems so changed from the Eddie that Cisco had known back in Central City. But perhaps it's not that he's changed so much - just that Cisco sees him far more clearly now than he ever had, then. He'd only glimpsed a small facet of Eddie and assumed it was the whole. Now, he knows different. ]
Mmm, I like the sound of that even better. Eddie Bradford, my own personal hunky errand boy.
[ His tone is only half-joking; it's all too easy to imagine, transplanting themselves from here to Central City. Picking up where they'd left off. All the steps between here and there - the how of it - aren't as important as the fact that they both want it, that it could actually work, the two of them. ]
I could definitely teach you. You'll be more than that, though. You could be a liaison between us and the CCPD, or help set up some kinda outreach program for metas so maybe we can help some of them before they actually become criminals. Or... or lots of stuff.
[Eddie's eyes flutter half-closed when Cisco scrapes his nails against his scalp, lips parting a little. The touch, the scrape of nails, the way Cisco's fingers smooth through his hair - all of it is incredibly soothing. So he sits still and he tries his best to let all of it soothe him. Cisco's presence and support and the life that he's weaving for them. And by the time Cisco's finished talking about helping at the Labs and liaising between them and the CCPD, it's working.
Enough that he lets out a soft laugh.]
Hunky errand boy, huh? Sounds kinky.
[He takes a deep breath, holds it, and then exhales.]
All of that sounds amazing. And we could share an apartment, maybe, after a while. I could take you to dim sum...I love dim sum. It's so great, I love trying all the things I would never think of eating and seeing what I like. It's a great place to take someone on a date, and I never got to take you.
[His hand moves across his lap, finds Cisco's free hand, and curls into it, twining his fingers through his boyfriend's and squeezing lightly.]
[ The fact that Eddie's able to laugh, able to joke about it like that, is a good sign. Even if it's hard for him right now, an effort rather than something that comes naturally. Cisco's not sure it's right, and he's not sure it's the healthiest, but he's found in his own life that there's some merit in faking it until he actually feels it. Didn't always work - and sometimes it became a crutch that helped him avoid problems that needed dealing with. But at other times, it kept him going when little else did. ]
Doesn't have to be after a while, far as I'm concerned.
[ Which... is a pretty big thing to say, actually. But they lead such lives of strange disproportion. Saying you'd be willing to move in with a guy after only dating him a little over a couple months is really not all that drastic, when your life involves death and resurrection and screwed up timelines and erased timelines and monsters and singularities. Hard to worry about going too fast, in a relationship, when everything else is turned up to 11. ]
I am all about the dim sum. That's the first place we should go. I'll get all dressed up any everything.
[ He squeezes Eddie's hand back, then keeps tight hold of it. Cisco doesn't know what to say to his thanks - you're welcome seems wrong, but so does dismissing it. In the end he opts for silence, and another kiss to Eddie's temple, letting the stroking of his thumb against the back of Eddie's hand speak for him.]
[The ability to laugh - it surprises him too. He doesn't feel like he should be capable, feels a little guilty for it, when he should be feeling guilty. But Eddie doesn't like to feel bad, and moving past it is preferable, even if it takes a bit of forced humour. Thankfully, Cisco lets him, teases him back, and then follows up with a comment that makes him feel better in such a genuine way.]
Yeah? I'd like that.
[And he would, he realizes. They don't live together here, but they spend so many nights together that it feels strange when Cisco isn't with him in bed. Cisco's things litter his apartment and he has things at Cisco's place too, their lives have intermingled in a comfortable way even while they do their own thing. It's nice, to think that it would carry on if they went back home, that the relationship wouldn't be demoted to something smaller.
When Cisco says he's all about dim sum, Eddie smiles a little and nods.]
Awesome. [A pause, and an exhalation.] There's a dim sum place here. I go there a lot, but it's really not the same as Mama Chow's. There's something about the cooking there that's just...well. It's home, I guess. I'm used to it. It's my favourite. I can't wait to take you there.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ Cisco knows how tempting it can be to think that way. That it's possible to balance the equation - portion out the right amount of penance and things will be okay. But it's just an illusion; the randomness of the universe doesn't care about right or wrong. Which doesn't mean people should stop trying to do right, of course. But for different reasons. ]
You did save me.
[ He remembers it all too well - the way he'd flown through the air when Barry broke the time ship, how the Reverse Flash had sworn he was going to kill Barry, then him and Joe, and then Caitlin and Stein and everyone else...
When Eddie asks why Cisco is so good to him, it makes his chest ache a little. Logically, he knows he's asked the same question himself a dozen times at least, knows the exact emotional place it comes from. Which is why he hates with such vehemence the idea that Eddie is asking it, that he feels so unworthy of being treated kindly that it leaves him confused. ]
Gosh, I don't know. Guess I must like you or somethin'.
[ He kisses Eddie, then. Not for too long, and not too insistent. More of a gesture than a kiss. His voice is quieter as he adds, more seriously: ]
Because you're a good person, and you deserve it.
no subject
[It doesn't seem fair. It's hard to wrap his head around the idea that he hadn't done anything wrong, that he couldn't have done anything different, that he hadn't screwed things up somehow. That if he'd just behaved in a different way, done different things, then none of this would have happened. He wouldn't have died, Cisco and Iris and Barry and Joe and everyone else wouldn't have been hurt. Whenever he thinks about Eobard, tries to make it make sense in his head, the only thing that works is that Eddie had done something wrong by wanting a family.]
I guess it's easier to blame myself than accept that.
[His voice is soft, rough, and he falls quiet as Cisco teases him, then leans in to kiss him and afterward says in a voice that's softer and more honest that he thinks Eddie is a good person, and he deserves it. A weak but genuine smile crosses Eddie's face, and he leans in to press a soft kiss against Cisco's lower lip, then sighs softly.]
You're so good, and I just don't know how you put up with my moping sometimes. [A little laugh, equally weak, and he closes his eyes for a moment.] I'll make it up to you. I promise.
no subject
Don't worry about it. Lemme take care of you for once, okay?
[ With that, Cisco gently nudges Eddie back towards the bed, arm looped around his lower back. Part of him wants to tell Eddie that he can just let it out, that he'll feel better if he just cries and gets it out of his system. But he knows better than that by now. It's more difficult for Eddie than it is for him, letting certain kinds of vulnerability show. What he needs is patience, not advice or commentary. ]
I'm glad you talked to Rip. He's gotta know something that'll be helpful.
[ Because he doesn't want Eddie only thinking about the past - not when there's a future ahead of them in which the chances of being able to save him just got a little bit better. ]
no subject
So when Cisco wraps an arm around his back and asks to be allowed to take care of him, walks to the bed with him and sits close, it makes his throat tight all over again. He settles and nods and can't reply because he can't talk past the lump in his throat until Cisco changes the subject.]
So am I. Most of what he said went totally over my head, but I thought you'd probably understand it. And he seemed pretty willing to help. It kind of surprised me, since he seemed kinda harsh at first. I thought he might be mad that I messed up the timeline, but...
[Rip had also said it was beyond his control, that he couldn't help it. Its just hard to accept or believe.]
no subject
If what I've heard from Ray's true, he's personally done a hell of a lot more to mess up the timeline than you. Than either of us.
[ They'd nearly changed the outcome of the Cold War: that's bigger than Eddie erasing one man from existence by killing himself, even with the singularity factored in. But Cisco isn't actually judgmental of the fact that Rip's intervened. Quite the opposite. ]
That's good, though. It means when he says he's willing to help, he means it. He's willing to do the right thing even if it's hard. And saving you's the right thing, so... he'll have our backs, probably. Which is awesome.
[ Cisco turns to plant a kiss on Eddie's temple. There are no guarantees, but Cisco isn't going to let his optimism flag. He'll believe enough for the both of them, work hard enough, and they'll find a way. He knows they will. ]
Well Ray said that instead of just asking, he just grabbed all of them and then showed them what the world would look like if they didn't stop Savage. I don't think tact's really his thing, somehow.
no subject
For now, he tries to go along with what Cisco is doing, distracting and focusing on the positive, listens to him talking about what he knows about Rip, about what that might mean for him and his future. For their future.]
You're right. He seems like that kind of person. I'm not sure I trust him yet, but...it might mean something good.
[Eddie takes another breath, then shifts against the bed, leans over and rests his head against Cisco's shoulder, swallows hard.]
I could use more good. Getting closer to being able to go home. [A shaky exhalation.] What do you think life would be like? Back home?
no subject
Cisco presses his cheek against Eddie's head; he can tell Eddie only feels a fraction better, if that. At least he'd stayed, hadn't left and closed himself off. The rest will come with time, hopefully. Time and patience. ]
Well... let's see. I have thought about it quite a bit. [ Cisco brings a hand up to run fingers through Eddie's hair as he talks, knowing how much that kind of touch helps him when he's low. He keeps his voice slow, speculative, gentle. ]
My idea was, we can tell everyone you're the you from Earth-2. Not like anyone's gonna be going through any breaches to check. Captain Singh and the police department all know about doppelgangers. You'd have to lie a little bit, to a lot of people, but I think that would be the best way. You might be able to get your job back.
And... chances are one way we can make sure we don't ruffle the timeline too much is having you change your name. Can't be Eddie Thawne, ancestor to Eobard Thawne, if make your legal name... Eddie Smith. Or you could go for a pun and have it be Eddie Kreuger. That'd be pretty funny.
[ But Eddie hadn't been only asking about the hows of it. He wanted reassurance. To be able to imagine it as a real possibility. So he switches from how it would be, to how it will be, and focuses on the details. ]
Other than that I think it'll be about the same. Even if you aren't at the CCPD anymore, you can help at S.T.A.R. Labs. We've got the whole Zoom mess to deal with and it's all hands on deck. Jitters has got a new drink on their menu called the Flash, so obviously, you gotta try that. And there's this awesome new Korean place I'm definitely dragging you to. Plus I'm still gonna make you watch Star Trek, even without as much time to kill as we have here.
no subject
But Cisco is here and warm and supportive and gently pushing him to keep him from giving up or closing off and shutting down, and so he lets Cisco do it. Lets him take some of the weight off and talk at him about what it will be like when he goes home, how they can handle it - more reassuring than Cisco might think, actually, because plans and strategies seem so concrete to him - and then how they'll be. The things they'll do together, that Cisco will show him. Exhaling a shaky sigh, he gives Cisco a weak smile.]
They know about the doppelgangers? That's definitely helpful. Eddie Kreuger isn't bad but...I could use my mom's maiden name, maybe. Eddie Bradford? Not bad.
[Another exhalation, and he loops his arm around the small of Cisco's back, closes his eyes while he thinks about that. Being back in Central City, being at the CCPD or in S.T.A.R. Labs, going to Jitters and Korean with Cisco, watching Star Trek and playing video games.]
Mm, I'll have to bring you dinner at the Labs when you forget to come home because you're too busy working on things. Maybe you could teach me how to be your lab assistant.
[Opening his eyes, he glances up at Cisco - from this angle he can just see the angle of his jaw, the shape of his lips and nose - and smiles a bit.]
no subject
[ Cisco scrapes his fingernails lightly against Eddie's scalp, cards fingers through his fine hair - it's gotten long, these last few months. It wouldn't be hard, convincing Singh that this Eddie was a different person. He seems so changed from the Eddie that Cisco had known back in Central City. But perhaps it's not that he's changed so much - just that Cisco sees him far more clearly now than he ever had, then. He'd only glimpsed a small facet of Eddie and assumed it was the whole. Now, he knows different. ]
Mmm, I like the sound of that even better. Eddie Bradford, my own personal hunky errand boy.
[ His tone is only half-joking; it's all too easy to imagine, transplanting themselves from here to Central City. Picking up where they'd left off. All the steps between here and there - the how of it - aren't as important as the fact that they both want it, that it could actually work, the two of them. ]
I could definitely teach you. You'll be more than that, though. You could be a liaison between us and the CCPD, or help set up some kinda outreach program for metas so maybe we can help some of them before they actually become criminals. Or... or lots of stuff.
no subject
[Eddie's eyes flutter half-closed when Cisco scrapes his nails against his scalp, lips parting a little. The touch, the scrape of nails, the way Cisco's fingers smooth through his hair - all of it is incredibly soothing. So he sits still and he tries his best to let all of it soothe him. Cisco's presence and support and the life that he's weaving for them. And by the time Cisco's finished talking about helping at the Labs and liaising between them and the CCPD, it's working.
Enough that he lets out a soft laugh.]
Hunky errand boy, huh? Sounds kinky.
[He takes a deep breath, holds it, and then exhales.]
All of that sounds amazing. And we could share an apartment, maybe, after a while. I could take you to dim sum...I love dim sum. It's so great, I love trying all the things I would never think of eating and seeing what I like. It's a great place to take someone on a date, and I never got to take you.
[His hand moves across his lap, finds Cisco's free hand, and curls into it, twining his fingers through his boyfriend's and squeezing lightly.]
Thank you, Cisco.
no subject
[ The fact that Eddie's able to laugh, able to joke about it like that, is a good sign. Even if it's hard for him right now, an effort rather than something that comes naturally. Cisco's not sure it's right, and he's not sure it's the healthiest, but he's found in his own life that there's some merit in faking it until he actually feels it. Didn't always work - and sometimes it became a crutch that helped him avoid problems that needed dealing with. But at other times, it kept him going when little else did. ]
Doesn't have to be after a while, far as I'm concerned.
[ Which... is a pretty big thing to say, actually. But they lead such lives of strange disproportion. Saying you'd be willing to move in with a guy after only dating him a little over a couple months is really not all that drastic, when your life involves death and resurrection and screwed up timelines and erased timelines and monsters and singularities. Hard to worry about going too fast, in a relationship, when everything else is turned up to 11. ]
I am all about the dim sum. That's the first place we should go. I'll get all dressed up any everything.
[ He squeezes Eddie's hand back, then keeps tight hold of it. Cisco doesn't know what to say to his thanks - you're welcome seems wrong, but so does dismissing it. In the end he opts for silence, and another kiss to Eddie's temple, letting the stroking of his thumb against the back of Eddie's hand speak for him.]
no subject
Yeah? I'd like that.
[And he would, he realizes. They don't live together here, but they spend so many nights together that it feels strange when Cisco isn't with him in bed. Cisco's things litter his apartment and he has things at Cisco's place too, their lives have intermingled in a comfortable way even while they do their own thing. It's nice, to think that it would carry on if they went back home, that the relationship wouldn't be demoted to something smaller.
When Cisco says he's all about dim sum, Eddie smiles a little and nods.]
Awesome. [A pause, and an exhalation.] There's a dim sum place here. I go there a lot, but it's really not the same as Mama Chow's. There's something about the cooking there that's just...well. It's home, I guess. I'm used to it. It's my favourite. I can't wait to take you there.