» Not really. » My room. » I'm not gonna do anything stupid.
[Mostly, she's just upset. Typing when you're crying really isn't that easy. But she's not in a 'let's track him down' mood. and in all honesty, Cisco isn't wrong to jump to those assumptions. Claudia had a reckless streak a mile wide. Had this happened closer to her arrival in the Clock, maybe she would be closer to what he was assuming. She'd been in a way worse off headspace then, but...this? This is just pain. Pure and unadulterated pain.]
» K
[That's the last text she'll send, tossing her phone on the coffee table, curling her legs up next to her on the couch as she waits for him.]
[ It's nice and all that Claudia says she's not going to do anything stupid. But Cisco's got entirely too many people in his life who will blithely make promises like that and then a few seconds later go on to do something so colossally stupid Cisco can hardly imagine it.
So he sees the texts and focuses on making his way to Claudia's room, gnawing at his lip the whole way there, beating himself up over fumbling this so spectacularly. It only takes a few minutes before he's knocking on her door, then takes a step back, hands shoved into his pockets, waiting to be let in. The moment Claudia opens that door, Cisco scoops her up into the biggest hug he can manage. A hug tight enough to make it very clear that he is here, and solid, and alive. ]
[He isn't kept waiting long. She's practically waiting by the door and it's flung open seconds later and she doesn't have time to even so much as welcome him or usher him inside before she's wrapped up in the ultimate bear hug. A hug that is intense enough to make her realize the bone-deep need she had for it, to break the 'I'm totally okay' facade she'd barely stitched together minutes before he got here. One sob and the mask shatters as she squeezes back as tightly as she can.
She's like that for at least a few minutes, no more sobs, but tears still roll down her cheeks until she can pull herself together for two seconds. She carefully pulls away and tugs him inside.
And now she's just awkward and flustered because crying in front of people is not on her list of acceptable things to do. It's not in what she says, because she hasn't found her voice yet, but the jerky movements as she moves back toward the living room and the absent way she's waving her hands in some sort of silent apology for 'all of that', even if she doesn't actually say it.]
...Sorry. [The word is abrupt and huffed out as she drops back down onto the couch, gesturing in the direction of the door before letting her hands fall into her lap, staring up at him with a look that's half apology, half pout. Everything feels entirely out of proportion and over-the-top now.]
[ It may seem strange, but the main thing that Cisco feels when Claudia starts to sob is relief. It's all too clear from how quickly she breaks and from the shuddering sound of her crying that she really needed it, and Cisco is glad he is here to hug her through it, petting the hair on the back of her head in a mindless, soothing way. It doesn't take long before she's got it out of her system, and as soon as she moves away he drops his arms, lets her go without protest or comment. There's a bit of a damp spot on the sleeve of his shirt but he couldn't care less.
He waves a hand at Claudia's apology as it to wave it away, but he doesn't tell her not to apologize. That would probably only make things worse, he senses, and he is pretty sure he knows what she is going through. They have that in common: both of them people whose emotions run deep, but who are more used to being the wisecracker than to having moments of genuine vulnerability in front of others. So he just shuts the door and follows her to the couch, sitting and knitting his fingers together, looking down at them as he considers what to say. ]
I shouldn't've told you like that. I didn't mean to freak you out. I mean, I meant to freak you out just enough that you'd get he's super dangerous but I didn't mean- y'know.
[ And this is the disadvantage compared to texting. Cisco drops his head, gnawing at his thumbnail as he struggles to gather his scattered thoughts and express himself somewhat coherently. ]
I'm not dead. Not anymore. I should've said that right away. You remember how I told you I can remember timelines that get rewritten? Him killing me got undone, okay?
[One really amazing and awesome thing about the two of them being so much alike is that Cisco just...gets that she isn't used to this, and wouldn't have normally been so open with that sort of emotional upheaval. So, he doesn't press about it, instead he brushes past it and moves the conversation back around to something more solid.
She gives him a weak smile when he explains he wasn't trying to freak her out-- not like that, at least.]
I know you weren't. I knew it would be bad, I just...I wasn't ready for that. [She pauses and stares down at her hands in her lap.] I told you before, I-- I've lost a lot of people and, I dunno. Eventually, it's just like...how much can you take? How much does one person have to lose before it's enough? [Her voice drops a little softer.] And you and Eddie are important to me. I don't want bad things to happen to you.
[She glances over when he goes quiet and reorganizes his own thoughts. She scoffs a little, a little amused, a little hollow.] Yeah, that would've been good to lead with. [She nudges his shoulder with her own, but she gets serious again as she says:]
But I know that doesn't just make everything bounce back into place, either. I spent a lot of time thinking Josh was dead and getting him back was...the most amazing thing, but...it didn't erase what I'd felt before and it didn't stop me from living a period of my life thinking he was just gone. [She frowns a little and shakes her head, looking to Cisco for confirmation on the rest of her thoughts because, hey, that's your area of expertise, broski.] Maybe that's different, though...when it's literally rewritten? Except for you, I guess.
[ Cisco nods solemnly, without interrupting, when Claudia says she's lost a lot of people, that she feels like she can't lose anyone else without crumbling under the weight of it. It makes sense to him, from what she's told him. Her parents. Her brother (it counts). Jinx. Probably Eddie, too, in a way. He's going to have to be more careful, in the future, with Claudia. She is tough, but there's a fragility there under the surface that he needs to remember if he's going to be any kind of a decent friend to her. ]
I don't want bad things to happen to you, either. And- [ Maybe his priorities are wrong, but as soon as the thought enters his head, he has to say it, with an added bitterness in his voice that he's pretty sure Claudia's never heard before: ] I especially don't want anything bad to happen to you because of Dr. Wells.
[ That would be salt in the wound, would make Cisco feel somehow responsible even if he weren't. The last thing he wants is for his own Big Bad to become Claudia's. She deserves to live in an Eobard-free world. The fact that he can't give her that is terrifying, and infuriating. ]
I get that. My friend Ronnie - we thought he died in the particle accelerator explosion. Side note - also Eobard's fault. I kinda blamed myself for that, for a whole year. Once we found out he wasn't dead... I'd still spent that whole year feeling responsible for it. But this isn't like that. For me.
[ That incident might not have impacted him as awfully as losing her brother impacted Claudia, but it's a good enough analogy to demonstrate that he knows what he's talking about when he says that what happened in the other timeline is different and distinct. ]
It's weird, 'cause... [ Cisco had been about to say because I remember how it feels to die, but he remembers his decision to be a little more delicate with Claudia. Maybe that's a detail best kept to himself. He drops his gaze to his hands, picking at a cuticle and frowning as he finds the right words. ] I used to be pretty different. Like... a lot different. It messed me up pretty bad, even though it got undone. The kinda messed up that doesn't ever get all the way better.
[ He has to stop, clear his throat, fighting to keep his voice from filling up with too much emotion. It's a losing battle, and somehow the sound of him fighting it is almost more affecting than if he just let the hurt show openly. ]
So, basically, for me, it feels like something that really happened to me. I can remember all the details. It isn't like something I saw in a movie, or a dream. But at the same time, since Barry changed the timeline, it also feels like... it shouldn't count. Like I should be able to just say 'nevermind' and delete it. But that's not how it works.
[ Cisco laughs, then, just a huff of breath. What a mess it all is. ]
I don't want... [She waves a hand firmly at the idea.] anything to do with him. At all. So...you really don't have to worry about that one.
[She listens as he explains about his friend, frowning slightly when he notes that is also part of Eobard's doing. She shakes her head slightly.] Jeeze, this guy's a bag of dicks, isn't he?
Yeah...I guess it would. [Claudia's voice is soft as she acknowledges his comment about how much the whole thing has messed him up. She can't even picture it, personally. Not only dying at the hand of someone that had been a trusted ally, but remembering it happen even though, by all accounts, it never did. The dichotomy of it must be insane. The evidence of it is right there, all over his face whether he wants it to be or not. The glances away from her, the fidgeting, all of it adds up.
Claudia lets out a soft scoff of her own, looking up and touching his arm with a friendly tap.] Wouldn't that be great? If you could just delete the worst memories like a corrupted file and not have to be bothered by it any more?
He might not give you a choice. [ Cisco says the words softly, feeling a bit bad for doing it. He really doesn't want to upset Claudia further, or frighten her. At the same time, she needs to know. ] I really hope he'll leave you alone. But he might not. And 'might' is more than enough to keep that ol' worry factory going.
[ Her comment that Wells is a bag of dicks has Cisco laughing - the slightly too loud, too hearty laugh of someone who is trying hard to keep hold of the levity in a very serious situation. ] He's literally the worst person I've ever met. In any universe. And it's my job to help catch criminals and supervillains on the reg, so that tells you something.
[ Cisco shakes his head; Claudia might be joking, but he really does wish he could do that sometimes. Just debug his own brain, take out everything awful and be the person he was before all of it. ]
If only.
[ But it's not helpful, wishing for things like that. ]
Know what else he did? Pretended to be paralyzed. Like, wheelchair and everything, for a year and a half. That's pretty messed up, right? Oh, and he put cameras in all our apartments and jobs and coffeeshop and everything back home, he's real big on the whole stalking and surveillance thing, so I'm thinking I'm gonna whip up some kind of advanced bug-detector and just take it with me places, maybe do a sweep of my apartment every week or two. Better safe than sorry.
He's the type that's real big of forcing someone's hand, huh? [It's mostly rhetorical, and accompanied with a sigh. She's not prepared for dealing with the guy at all. Especially not after everything she's learned about him. But maybe, maybe she can just have some good luck for once. Maybe she can continue to successfully avoid him. She holds her hand up with her next words, a visual of what she's saying held up between them.] Fingers crossed.
That definitely says a lot. [She agrees and there's a lull of silence between them for a moment before she speaks again.] I know the type, though... James MacPhearson and Walter Sykes are probably two of the worst people I've ever known. [The latter's name is tinged with a bit more disgust. MacPhearson was terrible in his own right, but Sykes took her best friend away from her.
She's only kind of joking. She does wish she could really erase the worst of her memories. She hopes he doesn't mind when she sort of just lays her head on his shoulder, echoing his own words.] If only.
[She doesn't move, but a frown deepens across her forehead as he explains all the lengths not-Wells went to, to keep track of everything.] That's so creepy. He just doesn't understand the concept of limits at all, does he? [She finally sits up again, clearly a lot more collected than she had been when he'd first gotten here.] Want some help on that? [Because projects. Those were good to have.]
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no subject
» My room.
» I'm not gonna do anything stupid.
[Mostly, she's just upset. Typing when you're crying really isn't that easy. But she's not in a 'let's track him down' mood. and in all honesty, Cisco isn't wrong to jump to those assumptions. Claudia had a reckless streak a mile wide. Had this happened closer to her arrival in the Clock, maybe she would be closer to what he was assuming. She'd been in a way worse off headspace then, but...this? This is just pain. Pure and unadulterated pain.]
» K
[That's the last text she'll send, tossing her phone on the coffee table, curling her legs up next to her on the couch as she waits for him.]
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So he sees the texts and focuses on making his way to Claudia's room, gnawing at his lip the whole way there, beating himself up over fumbling this so spectacularly. It only takes a few minutes before he's knocking on her door, then takes a step back, hands shoved into his pockets, waiting to be let in. The moment Claudia opens that door, Cisco scoops her up into the biggest hug he can manage. A hug tight enough to make it very clear that he is here, and solid, and alive. ]
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She's like that for at least a few minutes, no more sobs, but tears still roll down her cheeks until she can pull herself together for two seconds. She carefully pulls away and tugs him inside.
And now she's just awkward and flustered because crying in front of people is not on her list of acceptable things to do. It's not in what she says, because she hasn't found her voice yet, but the jerky movements as she moves back toward the living room and the absent way she's waving her hands in some sort of silent apology for 'all of that', even if she doesn't actually say it.]
...Sorry. [The word is abrupt and huffed out as she drops back down onto the couch, gesturing in the direction of the door before letting her hands fall into her lap, staring up at him with a look that's half apology, half pout. Everything feels entirely out of proportion and over-the-top now.]
no subject
He waves a hand at Claudia's apology as it to wave it away, but he doesn't tell her not to apologize. That would probably only make things worse, he senses, and he is pretty sure he knows what she is going through. They have that in common: both of them people whose emotions run deep, but who are more used to being the wisecracker than to having moments of genuine vulnerability in front of others. So he just shuts the door and follows her to the couch, sitting and knitting his fingers together, looking down at them as he considers what to say. ]
I shouldn't've told you like that. I didn't mean to freak you out. I mean, I meant to freak you out just enough that you'd get he's super dangerous but I didn't mean- y'know.
[ And this is the disadvantage compared to texting. Cisco drops his head, gnawing at his thumbnail as he struggles to gather his scattered thoughts and express himself somewhat coherently. ]
I'm not dead. Not anymore. I should've said that right away. You remember how I told you I can remember timelines that get rewritten? Him killing me got undone, okay?
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She gives him a weak smile when he explains he wasn't trying to freak her out-- not like that, at least.]
I know you weren't. I knew it would be bad, I just...I wasn't ready for that. [She pauses and stares down at her hands in her lap.] I told you before, I-- I've lost a lot of people and, I dunno. Eventually, it's just like...how much can you take? How much does one person have to lose before it's enough? [Her voice drops a little softer.] And you and Eddie are important to me. I don't want bad things to happen to you.
[She glances over when he goes quiet and reorganizes his own thoughts. She scoffs a little, a little amused, a little hollow.] Yeah, that would've been good to lead with. [She nudges his shoulder with her own, but she gets serious again as she says:]
But I know that doesn't just make everything bounce back into place, either. I spent a lot of time thinking Josh was dead and getting him back was...the most amazing thing, but...it didn't erase what I'd felt before and it didn't stop me from living a period of my life thinking he was just gone. [She frowns a little and shakes her head, looking to Cisco for confirmation on the rest of her thoughts because, hey, that's your area of expertise, broski.] Maybe that's different, though...when it's literally rewritten? Except for you, I guess.
no subject
I don't want bad things to happen to you, either. And- [ Maybe his priorities are wrong, but as soon as the thought enters his head, he has to say it, with an added bitterness in his voice that he's pretty sure Claudia's never heard before: ] I especially don't want anything bad to happen to you because of Dr. Wells.
[ That would be salt in the wound, would make Cisco feel somehow responsible even if he weren't. The last thing he wants is for his own Big Bad to become Claudia's. She deserves to live in an Eobard-free world. The fact that he can't give her that is terrifying, and infuriating. ]
I get that. My friend Ronnie - we thought he died in the particle accelerator explosion. Side note - also Eobard's fault. I kinda blamed myself for that, for a whole year. Once we found out he wasn't dead... I'd still spent that whole year feeling responsible for it. But this isn't like that. For me.
[ That incident might not have impacted him as awfully as losing her brother impacted Claudia, but it's a good enough analogy to demonstrate that he knows what he's talking about when he says that what happened in the other timeline is different and distinct. ]
It's weird, 'cause... [ Cisco had been about to say because I remember how it feels to die, but he remembers his decision to be a little more delicate with Claudia. Maybe that's a detail best kept to himself. He drops his gaze to his hands, picking at a cuticle and frowning as he finds the right words. ] I used to be pretty different. Like... a lot different. It messed me up pretty bad, even though it got undone. The kinda messed up that doesn't ever get all the way better.
[ He has to stop, clear his throat, fighting to keep his voice from filling up with too much emotion. It's a losing battle, and somehow the sound of him fighting it is almost more affecting than if he just let the hurt show openly. ]
So, basically, for me, it feels like something that really happened to me. I can remember all the details. It isn't like something I saw in a movie, or a dream. But at the same time, since Barry changed the timeline, it also feels like... it shouldn't count. Like I should be able to just say 'nevermind' and delete it. But that's not how it works.
[ Cisco laughs, then, just a huff of breath. What a mess it all is. ]
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[She listens as he explains about his friend, frowning slightly when he notes that is also part of Eobard's doing. She shakes her head slightly.] Jeeze, this guy's a bag of dicks, isn't he?
Yeah...I guess it would. [Claudia's voice is soft as she acknowledges his comment about how much the whole thing has messed him up. She can't even picture it, personally. Not only dying at the hand of someone that had been a trusted ally, but remembering it happen even though, by all accounts, it never did. The dichotomy of it must be insane. The evidence of it is right there, all over his face whether he wants it to be or not. The glances away from her, the fidgeting, all of it adds up.
Claudia lets out a soft scoff of her own, looking up and touching his arm with a friendly tap.] Wouldn't that be great? If you could just delete the worst memories like a corrupted file and not have to be bothered by it any more?
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[ Her comment that Wells is a bag of dicks has Cisco laughing - the slightly too loud, too hearty laugh of someone who is trying hard to keep hold of the levity in a very serious situation. ] He's literally the worst person I've ever met. In any universe. And it's my job to help catch criminals and supervillains on the reg, so that tells you something.
[ Cisco shakes his head; Claudia might be joking, but he really does wish he could do that sometimes. Just debug his own brain, take out everything awful and be the person he was before all of it. ]
If only.
[ But it's not helpful, wishing for things like that. ]
Know what else he did? Pretended to be paralyzed. Like, wheelchair and everything, for a year and a half. That's pretty messed up, right? Oh, and he put cameras in all our apartments and jobs and coffeeshop and everything back home, he's real big on the whole stalking and surveillance thing, so I'm thinking I'm gonna whip up some kind of advanced bug-detector and just take it with me places, maybe do a sweep of my apartment every week or two. Better safe than sorry.
no subject
That definitely says a lot. [She agrees and there's a lull of silence between them for a moment before she speaks again.] I know the type, though... James MacPhearson and Walter Sykes are probably two of the worst people I've ever known. [The latter's name is tinged with a bit more disgust. MacPhearson was terrible in his own right, but Sykes took her best friend away from her.
She's only kind of joking. She does wish she could really erase the worst of her memories. She hopes he doesn't mind when she sort of just lays her head on his shoulder, echoing his own words.] If only.
[She doesn't move, but a frown deepens across her forehead as he explains all the lengths not-Wells went to, to keep track of everything.] That's so creepy. He just doesn't understand the concept of limits at all, does he? [She finally sits up again, clearly a lot more collected than she had been when he'd first gotten here.] Want some help on that? [Because projects. Those were good to have.]