[ The following morning, he's not really that hung over which is both a blessing and a curse. Good in that he doesn't have to work with a headache and the like, which is helpful now that he's back in the labs, analyzing the modules that had finished running overnight with ease.
But not so great given that his excuse for his behavior from the previous night is now all but gone. He couldn't have been that drunk, right?
Harrison removes his glasses and sets them down on the counter, rubbing at his face idly. Maybe if he ignored it, it would all go away? Unlikely, given how persistent Ramon could be. Maybe a metahuman would attack and they'd be far too distracted to actually discuss matters, giving it more than enough time to blow over. He could only hope, anyway.
He pauses, glancing up at the screen, then reaches into a desk drawer and pulls out a pair of earbuds, plugging them into the computer before popping them into his ears and turning up his music. If that wasn't a clear sign to leave him alone until he was ready, nothing was. Or at least, so he hoped. Then again, "until he was ready" was mostly code for "not in this lifetime" and he damn well knew it. But those were minor details. Ish. ]
[ Cisco has gone through about 50 separate emotional states since he woke up and remembered what had happened the night before. He's done regret, excitement, shame, relief, confusion, anger, embarrassment, happiness, humiliation, arousal, detachment, hope, and misery. When he shows up to S.T.A.R. Labs and sees Harry at work, earbuds in, pointedly ignoring him, he doesn't even know what he's feeling. The closest word to it, he thinks, is determination. Not to let this be the end of it. Not to let Harry ignore the conversation and leave him twisting in the emotional wind all by himself.
But he doesn't press the issue; not first thing in the morning. He lets Harry work for a few hours, working himself in silence. Just establishing that they can be near one another without things erupting, one way or another.
It isn't until it's almost noon when Cisco decides, out of the blue, that he's waited long enough. He gets up and comes over to where Harry is sitting, standing next to his chair, arms folded. Simply waiting. ]
[ It's easy enough to ignore Cisco's presence in the room when he stays on his side and keeps to himself. But when noon approaches and Cisco does as well, Harrison's eyes narrow slightly. It takes every ounce of concentration he has to keep himself from immediately tensing up and acknowledging his existence beyond that, continuing to keep his eyes glued to his monitor. His fingers flick at his mouse briefly to turn up the volume for his music, to the point where it's practically audible to anyone standing nearby. He may regret that decision later when his ears are ringing for hours on end but for now, it seems to do the trick well enough.
He types rapidly, punching together equations and mapping out theoreticals — anything to keep his fingers moving and his focus on the screen. It's nothing that needs to be done immediately and, gun to his head, he'd have to admit that it's not really important at all. More theories and puzzles and webs they're slowly attempting to weave together, but nothing weighing too heavily on them yet. It's the "yet" that he'll cling to. King Shark was a "yet." Doctor Light is still a "yet." So is all of this.
What kind of "yet," well, he hasn't really settled on that but that wasn't really the point. It was something else to busy him, something to distract him from the— distraction currently standing squarely in his periphery.
[ There's just something about Harry that brings the rude out in Cisco. Anyone else would have turned their music down, taken the headphones out, at least asked what he wanted. But Harry turns up the music, petulantly, childishly, and so Cisco responds in kind. He hooks a finger in the cord of the earbuds and tugs, so that they fall neatly out of Harry's ears. He takes it one step further, grabbing the wireless keyboard and pulling it from under Harry's moving hands. Cisco holds it above both their heads. ]
You know what you are? You're an ostrich. You just love burying your head in the sand, don't you?
[ It's exactly what he would have done to get Harry's attention, even if they hadn't kissed the night before, which is why Cisco does it now. He's determined not to treat him any differently than he would otherwise. Not to try to be sweet and placating because when has sweet and placating ever worked on Harry before. ]
Much as I hate the phrase, we need to Talk, with a capital T.
[ The sudden and jarring lack of music is all he needs to get into a fighting mood. Harrison bristles almost immediately, making a failed swipe for the keyboard before glaring up and over at Cisco. If he wanted his attention, well, now he had it. Why couldn't he just leave well enough alone? Why did everything have to be spelled out or said out loud or cemented in some fashion?
He sets his jaw, seething for a moment before speaking roughly. ]
There's nothing to discuss. [ A beat, and then, to clarify: ] You were drunk. I was drunk. A mistake— [ He makes certain to emphasize that word, snapping out the last syllable harshly. ] — was made. But that's all it was, Ramon. And I don't intend on taking it any further. So let it be.
[ His tone is gruff, stance still tense, but there's almost a pleading quality to that last little bit. Let it be, let's just ignore this and move on with our lives, you're making a mistake. ]
See, I'm not drunk now, and I don't think it was a mistake.
[ The tilt of Cisco's chin, the way he puffs up his chest, the tone of his voice - everything is stubborn, ready for that fight, ready to be the immovable object that will halt Harry's unstoppable force. ]
I knew you were gonna do this, when you said you wouldn't talk about it until we were both sober. I knew you would try to put it off, but I'm not going to let you.
[ Cisco sighs, meeting Harry's eyes with his. They're that same, unnerving shade of blue, but he doesn't let it make him falter. He can't falter. Not when he'd been turning over the words he was going to say in his mind for hours now. ]
Obviously I can't make you agree to anything. If you're really- if you can look me in the eye and honestly tell me you're not attracted to me, then I promise I'll drop it, for good. But if you're still just thinking you have to turn me down because I'm too messed up to know what I want... if you're trying to make my decisions for me, I don't need that. You're not my boss, and you're not my mentor, and you're not in charge of what I decide is best for me.
[ He pinches at the bridge of his nose briefly before rubbing at his face with one hand. Cisco was too stubborn for his own good which would be a quality that Harrison would find almost admirable if it weren't so damn annoying right about now. He lowers his hand after a moment, giving him a dead-eyed look over it. ]
Alright. You want the truth, Ramon? You're half my age. You're incapable of anything casual which, incidently, is the only thing I'm even remotely interested in at this point in time. And the other Wells—
[ And it's clear from how he says that that it's like nails on a chalkboard to him, calling Eobard Thawne "Wells." But there's no other way to make his point loud and clear. ]
— will always be there. [ He gestures flippantly at that. ] Despite what you may say. I've had to deal with his garbage throughout various other aspects of my life, both professional and personal. I'd rather not have him ghosting over the intimate as well, thanks.
[ It's all mostly true. Mostly. The part that he doesn't want to admit is that with him — with any of them, really — after having beared his soul to them . . . well. The truth is, he's mostly incapable of casual himself. And that's not a rock that he's ready to turn over. ]
[ The bit about being incapable of anything casual has Cisco opening his mouth in protest (he's probably had a hell of a lot more 'casual' company than Harry, even if he is only half his age - not that that's something he really ought to be boasting about). He catches himself, though, because he doubts anything between him and Harry could be casual. They already know each other too well, there's too much history there.
It's the first objection that strikes Cisco as valid, rather than patronizing, and it gives him pause. But that's the kind of snag that they can deal with later, not before they even give things a chance.
Just as he's resolving all over again not to let Harry push him away, still without answering the one question Cisco asked, Harry says something that makes Cisco's insides go cold. The stubborn, combative-but-fond look slips away from his face, replaced by genuine hurt, just for a moment. Then, Cisco covers it up with anger: not irritation or frustration, but real anger, this time. ]
Did you just call me 'his garbage'? [ Cisco knows that by reacting this way, he's proving Harry's point, and if he really wants to convince him to take a chance on the two of them, it's the last thing he should do. But he can't stop himself. Because all of a sudden, Cisco isn't even sure he wants that chance, after all. ]
Is that really how you think of me? Like I'm... like he's ruined me and now I'm just... damaged goods?
[ A tiny part of Cisco's mind whispers, unhelpfully: aren't you, though? ]
[ He seems genuinely surprised by Cisco's anger, brows furrowing in confusion for a moment before it settles in how he'd managed to get from one point to another. And then Harrison rolls his eyes, throwing a hand in the air. ]
Of course that's what you'd take out of all of that.
[ All legitimate concerns, all honest for once, and Cisco had to take something he said out of context and stretch it to reach— whatever point that was. He just had to take all of it so personally, and isn't that just like him.
Harrison could take a moment to explain, to tell him that no, he meant things like how people looked at him, treated him, the fact that he had to keep his head down when he went out. But he'd thought that was obvious enough, especially to someone like Cisco who was helping him practically piece together an identity in this world. So much for that. ]
Stop projecting. You know I never said that. Or even implied it.
[ But Cisco cuts himself off, thinks about Harry's actual words. He goes quiet after that, the anger which had flared so sudden and so hot in him dying down. The truth is, Cisco doesn't know. It had seemed the most logical interpretation of Harry's words, combined with his actions.
Perhaps he had been projecting. He hadn't been wrong that it's because of Eobard that Harry refuses to even entertain the idea of getting involved with Cisco, but he was the one who had taken it one step further, made the final leap of logic that Harry must mean he was just another piece of junk to be dealt with. ]
You're right.
[ Abruptly, Cisco finds that he is just done. It went like this with Harry often enough - Cisco pushing and pushing, Harry unwilling to budge an inch. They would be stuck like this forever if someone didn't give, and today, that someone is Cisco. So there is less resolution and more resignation in his voice as he continues: ]
Y'know what. Fine. You are right. I'm younger than you and I don't care about that but I guess you do. And I'm perfectly capable of casual but I guess you only have my word on that. As for the rest of it... I can only say that I'm into you for you so many times. I know my past with the other Wells makes things complicated but I don't know why you're acting like it's going to suddenly become a problem. It's always been a problem, and we've managed so far, haven't we?
[ It's his tone and not his words that make Harrison pause, make his shoulders slump just a bit. The fight had been knocked out of him with that accusation moments ago, tossed aside with his exasperation. Now that it's been acknowledged that he was right . . . what is there? There's a certain sort of wrongness that settles in him upon hearing that tone, taking the wind out of his sails entirely.
He has two choices in front of him. He could let it stand like this, leave it be. Shake his head, turn away, continue to be stubborn and resolute and let Cisco back off. It would be awkward for a few days — at least a week, he wasn't fooling himself. But they'd be better off. It was the more logical choice. The other option was to be calm. Honest. Lay out his concerns like a rational human being, encourage him to seek healthier options instead of him. Instead of trying to drive him off like he had been.
But really, if he wanted to drive him away, he would have just let Cisco believe he'd thought he was damaged goods. He should have.
Harrison glances aside for a moment, chewing at his lip in contemplation. ]
It's not the same. It's always been a problem in a different way, not . . . [ He trails off, shaking his head. ] Because. I'll always wonder, in the back of my head.
[ It's his problem. Not Ramon's. He knows that, as hard as it is to admit. Because as combative as they are — how they are, not this, not whatever this is right at this moment — it's bound to blow up in their faces. Isn't it? He pauses, considering that for a nanosecond before dismissing it immediately. Of course it is. ]
[ Harry's answer hurts - and it's a different kind of hurt than before, when he thought Harry was calling him cast-off garbage. It hurts because Harry is speaking softer, now. That quieter rasp he gets when he is telling the truth, and it's hard for him. Like when he had told Cisco about how Zoom got his name, or about how Zoom nearly killed him before they closed the breaches.
And the thing is, he understands. It is the same way that Cisco feels towards everything that had happened with Eobard - he has no way to know for certain whether or not he had ever cared, or whether he had merely been using sex as another tool of manipulation. Had there had been any real attraction or fondness there? Cisco knows there is no point to it, that he is dead. But he also knows he will always wonder, and how always wondering wears and wears at his mind, a minuscule but constant pain.
Should he really be pushing so hard, enough that he would put Harry in that kind of pain, just for selfish reasons? Just because he's attracted to him, and lonely, and wants more than Harry is willing to give him? What kind of person does that even make him? How many times is Harry going to have to say no before Cisco realizes this isn't the same as badgering him about design specifications - this is personal and he should face rejection with a little more dignity than this.
So he sighs - a long, quiet sigh - and hunches into himself. ]
Okay. Okay... that's fair. I really don't wanna put you through that. I'll just- gimme a little while and I'll get over it, I promise. I won't hold a grudge, and I won't keep harassing you about it.
[ With that, Cisco is making a retreat to his own workstation, desperate to just build something, to get away from his own thoughts and make some machines. Machines were easy. Machines didn't have baggage, couldn't hurt him, couldn't be hurt by him. ]
[ He nods slowly as Cisco moves away from him finally. This is for the better for the both of them, he knows that, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't sting even a little. Maybe if the circumstances were different, then things between them would be as well. Maybe he'd step in, stop him from retreating. Maybe.
Who is he kidding, though. Really.
Harrison turns back to his monitor, pulling the keyboard in close and slipping his earbuds back in. He turns the volume down though, enough that if Cisco wanted to speak up and try again, he could hear him well enough. But even then, he already knew that wouldn't be the case. He'd been convincing enough in pushing him away. Too convincing, probably. He pushes his glasses up and shifts his focus back to his modules.
This was what he'd wanted. At least, that's what he'd thought. He couldn't be wrong when it was probably for the best. Probably. ]
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franciscoramon) wrote2015-02-21 01:38 am
no subject
But not so great given that his excuse for his behavior from the previous night is now all but gone. He couldn't have been that drunk, right?
Harrison removes his glasses and sets them down on the counter, rubbing at his face idly. Maybe if he ignored it, it would all go away? Unlikely, given how persistent Ramon could be. Maybe a metahuman would attack and they'd be far too distracted to actually discuss matters, giving it more than enough time to blow over. He could only hope, anyway.
He pauses, glancing up at the screen, then reaches into a desk drawer and pulls out a pair of earbuds, plugging them into the computer before popping them into his ears and turning up his music. If that wasn't a clear sign to leave him alone until he was ready, nothing was. Or at least, so he hoped. Then again, "until he was ready" was mostly code for "not in this lifetime" and he damn well knew it. But those were minor details. Ish. ]
no subject
But he doesn't press the issue; not first thing in the morning. He lets Harry work for a few hours, working himself in silence. Just establishing that they can be near one another without things erupting, one way or another.
It isn't until it's almost noon when Cisco decides, out of the blue, that he's waited long enough. He gets up and comes over to where Harry is sitting, standing next to his chair, arms folded. Simply waiting. ]
no subject
He types rapidly, punching together equations and mapping out theoreticals — anything to keep his fingers moving and his focus on the screen. It's nothing that needs to be done immediately and, gun to his head, he'd have to admit that it's not really important at all. More theories and puzzles and webs they're slowly attempting to weave together, but nothing weighing too heavily on them yet. It's the "yet" that he'll cling to. King Shark was a "yet." Doctor Light is still a "yet." So is all of this.
What kind of "yet," well, he hasn't really settled on that but that wasn't really the point. It was something else to busy him, something to distract him from the— distraction currently standing squarely in his periphery.
Damnit. ]
no subject
You know what you are? You're an ostrich. You just love burying your head in the sand, don't you?
[ It's exactly what he would have done to get Harry's attention, even if they hadn't kissed the night before, which is why Cisco does it now. He's determined not to treat him any differently than he would otherwise. Not to try to be sweet and placating because when has sweet and placating ever worked on Harry before. ]
Much as I hate the phrase, we need to Talk, with a capital T.
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He sets his jaw, seething for a moment before speaking roughly. ]
There's nothing to discuss. [ A beat, and then, to clarify: ] You were drunk. I was drunk. A mistake— [ He makes certain to emphasize that word, snapping out the last syllable harshly. ] — was made. But that's all it was, Ramon. And I don't intend on taking it any further. So let it be.
[ His tone is gruff, stance still tense, but there's almost a pleading quality to that last little bit. Let it be, let's just ignore this and move on with our lives, you're making a mistake. ]
no subject
[ The tilt of Cisco's chin, the way he puffs up his chest, the tone of his voice - everything is stubborn, ready for that fight, ready to be the immovable object that will halt Harry's unstoppable force. ]
I knew you were gonna do this, when you said you wouldn't talk about it until we were both sober. I knew you would try to put it off, but I'm not going to let you.
[ Cisco sighs, meeting Harry's eyes with his. They're that same, unnerving shade of blue, but he doesn't let it make him falter. He can't falter. Not when he'd been turning over the words he was going to say in his mind for hours now. ]
Obviously I can't make you agree to anything. If you're really- if you can look me in the eye and honestly tell me you're not attracted to me, then I promise I'll drop it, for good. But if you're still just thinking you have to turn me down because I'm too messed up to know what I want... if you're trying to make my decisions for me, I don't need that. You're not my boss, and you're not my mentor, and you're not in charge of what I decide is best for me.
no subject
Alright. You want the truth, Ramon? You're half my age. You're incapable of anything casual which, incidently, is the only thing I'm even remotely interested in at this point in time. And the other Wells—
[ And it's clear from how he says that that it's like nails on a chalkboard to him, calling Eobard Thawne "Wells." But there's no other way to make his point loud and clear. ]
— will always be there. [ He gestures flippantly at that. ] Despite what you may say. I've had to deal with his garbage throughout various other aspects of my life, both professional and personal. I'd rather not have him ghosting over the intimate as well, thanks.
[ It's all mostly true. Mostly. The part that he doesn't want to admit is that with him — with any of them, really — after having beared his soul to them . . . well. The truth is, he's mostly incapable of casual himself. And that's not a rock that he's ready to turn over. ]
no subject
It's the first objection that strikes Cisco as valid, rather than patronizing, and it gives him pause. But that's the kind of snag that they can deal with later, not before they even give things a chance.
Just as he's resolving all over again not to let Harry push him away, still without answering the one question Cisco asked, Harry says something that makes Cisco's insides go cold. The stubborn, combative-but-fond look slips away from his face, replaced by genuine hurt, just for a moment. Then, Cisco covers it up with anger: not irritation or frustration, but real anger, this time. ]
Did you just call me 'his garbage'? [ Cisco knows that by reacting this way, he's proving Harry's point, and if he really wants to convince him to take a chance on the two of them, it's the last thing he should do. But he can't stop himself. Because all of a sudden, Cisco isn't even sure he wants that chance, after all. ]
Is that really how you think of me? Like I'm... like he's ruined me and now I'm just... damaged goods?
[ A tiny part of Cisco's mind whispers, unhelpfully: aren't you, though? ]
no subject
[ He seems genuinely surprised by Cisco's anger, brows furrowing in confusion for a moment before it settles in how he'd managed to get from one point to another. And then Harrison rolls his eyes, throwing a hand in the air. ]
Of course that's what you'd take out of all of that.
[ All legitimate concerns, all honest for once, and Cisco had to take something he said out of context and stretch it to reach— whatever point that was. He just had to take all of it so personally, and isn't that just like him.
Harrison could take a moment to explain, to tell him that no, he meant things like how people looked at him, treated him, the fact that he had to keep his head down when he went out. But he'd thought that was obvious enough, especially to someone like Cisco who was helping him practically piece together an identity in this world. So much for that. ]
Stop projecting. You know I never said that. Or even implied it.
no subject
[ But Cisco cuts himself off, thinks about Harry's actual words. He goes quiet after that, the anger which had flared so sudden and so hot in him dying down. The truth is, Cisco doesn't know. It had seemed the most logical interpretation of Harry's words, combined with his actions.
Perhaps he had been projecting. He hadn't been wrong that it's because of Eobard that Harry refuses to even entertain the idea of getting involved with Cisco, but he was the one who had taken it one step further, made the final leap of logic that Harry must mean he was just another piece of junk to be dealt with. ]
You're right.
[ Abruptly, Cisco finds that he is just done. It went like this with Harry often enough - Cisco pushing and pushing, Harry unwilling to budge an inch. They would be stuck like this forever if someone didn't give, and today, that someone is Cisco. So there is less resolution and more resignation in his voice as he continues: ]
Y'know what. Fine. You are right. I'm younger than you and I don't care about that but I guess you do. And I'm perfectly capable of casual but I guess you only have my word on that. As for the rest of it... I can only say that I'm into you for you so many times. I know my past with the other Wells makes things complicated but I don't know why you're acting like it's going to suddenly become a problem. It's always been a problem, and we've managed so far, haven't we?
no subject
He has two choices in front of him. He could let it stand like this, leave it be. Shake his head, turn away, continue to be stubborn and resolute and let Cisco back off. It would be awkward for a few days — at least a week, he wasn't fooling himself. But they'd be better off. It was the more logical choice. The other option was to be calm. Honest. Lay out his concerns like a rational human being, encourage him to seek healthier options instead of him. Instead of trying to drive him off like he had been.
But really, if he wanted to drive him away, he would have just let Cisco believe he'd thought he was damaged goods. He should have.
Harrison glances aside for a moment, chewing at his lip in contemplation. ]
It's not the same. It's always been a problem in a different way, not . . . [ He trails off, shaking his head. ] Because. I'll always wonder, in the back of my head.
[ It's his problem. Not Ramon's. He knows that, as hard as it is to admit. Because as combative as they are — how they are, not this, not whatever this is right at this moment — it's bound to blow up in their faces. Isn't it? He pauses, considering that for a nanosecond before dismissing it immediately. Of course it is. ]
no subject
And the thing is, he understands. It is the same way that Cisco feels towards everything that had happened with Eobard - he has no way to know for certain whether or not he had ever cared, or whether he had merely been using sex as another tool of manipulation. Had there had been any real attraction or fondness there? Cisco knows there is no point to it, that he is dead. But he also knows he will always wonder, and how always wondering wears and wears at his mind, a minuscule but constant pain.
Should he really be pushing so hard, enough that he would put Harry in that kind of pain, just for selfish reasons? Just because he's attracted to him, and lonely, and wants more than Harry is willing to give him? What kind of person does that even make him? How many times is Harry going to have to say no before Cisco realizes this isn't the same as badgering him about design specifications - this is personal and he should face rejection with a little more dignity than this.
So he sighs - a long, quiet sigh - and hunches into himself. ]
Okay. Okay... that's fair. I really don't wanna put you through that. I'll just- gimme a little while and I'll get over it, I promise. I won't hold a grudge, and I won't keep harassing you about it.
[ With that, Cisco is making a retreat to his own workstation, desperate to just build something, to get away from his own thoughts and make some machines. Machines were easy. Machines didn't have baggage, couldn't hurt him, couldn't be hurt by him. ]
no subject
Who is he kidding, though. Really.
Harrison turns back to his monitor, pulling the keyboard in close and slipping his earbuds back in. He turns the volume down though, enough that if Cisco wanted to speak up and try again, he could hear him well enough. But even then, he already knew that wouldn't be the case. He'd been convincing enough in pushing him away. Too convincing, probably. He pushes his glasses up and shifts his focus back to his modules.
This was what he'd wanted. At least, that's what he'd thought. He couldn't be wrong when it was probably for the best. Probably. ]