[ There's something comforting about the way Cisco is pressed up against him; at the same time, he can feel a small pang of guilt slowly start to build inside. It was true that they needed the rest more, but Harrison was almost certain at this point that he wouldn't be getting much sleep at all tonight, if any. His sleep schedule had been skewed for some time now and after Gray, that wasn't changing any time soon.
He glances down at Cisco's arm and then shakes his head. The bruising was centered more on the lower part of his body — a large, mottled purple at his side, the various blotches running down his arms and legs, and the knot on his forehead all served as painful reminders of his misadventure. ]
You're fine.
[ There's still a great deal of tension in his body though, arms stiff, eyes staring ahead flatly at the wall. Between Zoom and Gray and everything else, it was hard to feel safe, to really relax. He'd only just started getting back to that point a few weeks ago; now, with the breach open and Barry's powers gone, he was back to square one all over again. ]
[ Cisco had hoped that, with him here, and after everything he'd been through, Harry would drop off quickly. He knows that he feels heavy-lidded and exhausted, and warm and comfortable with Harry pulled up against his chest. But the tension in Harry's body doesn't dissipate one bit. If anything, it only gets worse.
Cisco tries to wait him out, stay awake long enough to make sure Harry drops off. But after around twenty minutes of silence between them, nothing's changed. Even though Harry is here right next to him, warm and alive and mostly in one piece, Cisco feels a pang of sadness as if he were a thousand miles away. Cisco plants a kiss to the top of Harry's spine and murmurs: ]
Tell me what happened with Gray? Please? What... made you like this?
[ Because this isn't just the inconvenience of being taken and tied up for the day. This isn't just the pain of his injuries. This isn't even just because of the ambient worry about Zoom and Barry's powers. Something must have gone down. Something Harry is keeping silent about. ]
[ It's his last few words that jar him out of his passive state. Harrison sucks in a bit of air, resisting the urge to immediately be combative in response. It's a kneejerk reaction, he knows, and one he still has trouble tempering. It's easier now, at least, with Cisco a constant warm presence at his back. After a moment, he speaks softly, roughly. ]
You don't want to hear about it.
[ Because he doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't want to think about it even though it's all he can think about right now. He puts an emphasis on don't, making it clear that he knows Cisco wants to know and hear whatever he has to say. It's that it's something that he shouldn't hear. Shouldn't deal with. It wasn't even guilt over Gray; he wasn't responsible for what had happened to him. It was a shame but that was Thawne's accelerator, not his. Still. How many like Gray existed on his Earth? How many children had been ripped away from their parents — like his daughter was taken from him — because the dark matter had suddenly changed them? He may not be responsible for the choices that some metahumans make, but he knows all too well in how complicit he is in most else. How much he had to make up for.
Harrison lifts up a hand to rub at his forehead. ]
[ He knows that 'you don't want to hear' really means 'I don't want to say', but right now, he's not taking no for an answer. Not when just asking has Harry tensing up even more, speaking in that rough, abrupt way. Cisco bends his knees forward, a little closer to Harry's own legs, curling his hand into Harry's shirt, holding onto it. It's not enough. If he could he would wrap his entire body around Harry's, until he feels safe, until these terrible things stop happening to him. He might not be perfect, but he doesn't deserve the unending shitstorm that his life has been, since Zoom kidnapped Jesse.]
You know if you don't tell me I'm just gonna worry even more, right?
[ Cisco lets out a long sigh, presses a kiss to the curve of Harry's neck where it meets his shoulder. ]
It'll just be between us. I promise. I... can't help you if I don't know how.
[ He can feel his jaw clench involuntarily at that. Because that's just it — he can't help, no one can, not even Jesse. This is something Harrison has to figure out for himself and take care of on his own, if anything. When he speaks again, his words are even more abrupt, like he's just saying them to get it all over with. ]
Gray was only seventeen. [ a beat. ] I know that was Thawne's doing. I know. But. How many Grays exist in my world? How many— children got swept up in this, exactly? Or others, for that matter. I did that. I knew there would be consequences. That is on me.
[ There's a long pause as he catches his breath, eyes half-lidded and weary. ]
[ Cisco doesn't say anything to that, at first. Because in a way, Harry is right. If Harry doesn't know how many people - including children - were affected by the particle accelerator, it's likely that no one does. It seems possible, likely, that some of them were like Gray.
So that regret is a heavy weight that Cisco can't lift with logic or reason. Even if the initial release of dark matter energy was an accident that Harry couldn't have foreseen, there is the matter of Harry lying about it to the public for such a long time. ]
You feeling guilty doesn't undo it, and it doesn't help anyone.
[ Because he can't just let it lay, when Harry is hurt and exhausted and clearly beating himself up mentally far worse than Gray had done physically. ]
Once we fix this thing with Barry, and Zoom, we can track them down. However many Griffin Grays there are. And we can do whatever's possible to help them.
[ It's kind of funny, really. Eobard Thawne had exploded the accelerator on purpose, and made a hero like Barry in the process, for all the worst reasons. But Harry had created the metas on Earth 2 on accident, with only the best of intentions, and he'd made a monster like Zoom. It just doesn't seem fair. Cisco nuzzles his face into the back of Harry's shoulder, sighs heavily. ]
[ He doesn't respond to that because how can he, when he knows all too well that there isn't any helping them. Even if Gray had calmed down and suppressed his power in some manner, his lifespan had still been irreparably cut short. And then there were people like Lamden, whose genes had been mutated in a more obvious way. Despite Director Diggle's hopes that they could perhaps cure him, Harrison was skeptical at best — pessimistic was more like it. The effects of the particle accelerator were irreversible, period.
It's kind of Cisco to want to help and really, just like him at the end of the day. Too bad there's no helping anyone tied up in this situation. He lets out a noncommittal grunt in response, fingers curling. Only time would help at this point. Time, and his own form of atonement. First on the list: getting Barry his powers back somehow without putting anyone else in jeopardy.
After a moment, he heaves a sigh and uncurls his fingers, reaching up to rest a hand on Cisco's arm instead, quiet. ]
[ Cisco knows that's not a noise of agreement so much as a noise of 'whatever you say, Cisco, now be quiet'. And he vacillates for a moment over whether he should say more, biting down on his bottom lip as he debates. He's just decided that he'll let it be when Harry sighs and reaches out for his arm, and that gesture spurs him on. ]
Look, I know you might not want to hear it right now, but you're a good man.
[ That's all - no false promises about being able to fix it all, no lies about Harry not being responsible. Just Cisco's whispered, fervent belief that, despite everything, Harry is fundamentally a good person.
And, well, if Harry isn't going to sleep, isn't even going to relax, there are things Cisco can do to help with that, too. Cisco squeezes Harry lightly before drawing his arms away and then he starts to massages Harry's back and neck. He is careful about it, testing with every new spot to make sure that Harry doesn't tense or flinch, avoiding anywhere that is bruised. ]
[ It's uncomfortable at first, and not just because of all of his cuts and bruises The guilt still weighs heavily on Harrison, and the light pressure on his muscles — which should, for all intents and purposes, be comforting — only serves to unsettle him even more. He's about to bristle and snap at him to knock it off when his hands shift, as if trying to search out a better spot to work at. Harrison pauses, biting back any harsh remarks he may have had building in his throat, and chews at the side of his cheek quietly for a moment or two.
And then— to hell with it, to hell with raking himself any further over the coals than he already had today. He leans in to Cisco's touch, as if suddenly realizing how starved he's been for it, though the only noise of approval coming from him is a soft hum. It's a few moments before he murmurs a response. ]
[ Well, if Harry isn't willing to talk or to listen, at least he is willing to be touched. Cisco feels the initial tension in him slowly dissipate; he remains careful, getting a sense of where Harry's injuries are by where he hisses and tenses when Cisco's fingertips press lightly. The bruising is more extensive than he'd thought, but he refrains from commenting. He just sticks to Harry's shoulders and upper back, feeling for knots in his muscles and then working them out.
And if he's honest, this isn't only for Harry's benefit. It's comforting to Cisco, too. A reminder that Harry is solid and real and alive and here. A way of helping, however small, to drive away the darkness that's soaked into both their lives. He's always been good with his hands and always liked using them in the service of good.
Silence, he thinks, isn't an ally to either of them right now. It leaves Harry alone with his thoughts, and Cisco worrying about Harry and his thoughts. So he starts talking, with the express intent of boring Harry to sleep. Even if it doesn't work and he doesn't drop off entirely, it will at least fill up the empty air in the room. It's nothing interesting or fraught, the story he tells. Just a recounting of a silly dream he'd had the other day, when he fell asleep at the lab, about Shawna Baez showing up out of nowhere in a glowing dress, and how in the dream she'd shot him but he'd been saved by spilling orange soda and unknown chemicals on his shirt, which had made it bulletproof. The logic didn't make sense, but then again, what dream ever did? ]
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franciscoramon) wrote2015-02-21 01:38 am
no subject
He glances down at Cisco's arm and then shakes his head. The bruising was centered more on the lower part of his body — a large, mottled purple at his side, the various blotches running down his arms and legs, and the knot on his forehead all served as painful reminders of his misadventure. ]
You're fine.
[ There's still a great deal of tension in his body though, arms stiff, eyes staring ahead flatly at the wall. Between Zoom and Gray and everything else, it was hard to feel safe, to really relax. He'd only just started getting back to that point a few weeks ago; now, with the breach open and Barry's powers gone, he was back to square one all over again. ]
no subject
Cisco tries to wait him out, stay awake long enough to make sure Harry drops off. But after around twenty minutes of silence between them, nothing's changed. Even though Harry is here right next to him, warm and alive and mostly in one piece, Cisco feels a pang of sadness as if he were a thousand miles away. Cisco plants a kiss to the top of Harry's spine and murmurs: ]
Tell me what happened with Gray? Please? What... made you like this?
[ Because this isn't just the inconvenience of being taken and tied up for the day. This isn't just the pain of his injuries. This isn't even just because of the ambient worry about Zoom and Barry's powers. Something must have gone down. Something Harry is keeping silent about. ]
no subject
You don't want to hear about it.
[ Because he doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't want to think about it even though it's all he can think about right now. He puts an emphasis on don't, making it clear that he knows Cisco wants to know and hear whatever he has to say. It's that it's something that he shouldn't hear. Shouldn't deal with. It wasn't even guilt over Gray; he wasn't responsible for what had happened to him. It was a shame but that was Thawne's accelerator, not his. Still. How many like Gray existed on his Earth? How many children had been ripped away from their parents — like his daughter was taken from him — because the dark matter had suddenly changed them? He may not be responsible for the choices that some metahumans make, but he knows all too well in how complicit he is in most else. How much he had to make up for.
Harrison lifts up a hand to rub at his forehead. ]
It'll pass.
no subject
[ He knows that 'you don't want to hear' really means 'I don't want to say', but right now, he's not taking no for an answer. Not when just asking has Harry tensing up even more, speaking in that rough, abrupt way. Cisco bends his knees forward, a little closer to Harry's own legs, curling his hand into Harry's shirt, holding onto it. It's not enough. If he could he would wrap his entire body around Harry's, until he feels safe, until these terrible things stop happening to him. He might not be perfect, but he doesn't deserve the unending shitstorm that his life has been, since Zoom kidnapped Jesse.]
You know if you don't tell me I'm just gonna worry even more, right?
[ Cisco lets out a long sigh, presses a kiss to the curve of Harry's neck where it meets his shoulder. ]
It'll just be between us. I promise. I... can't help you if I don't know how.
no subject
Gray was only seventeen. [ a beat. ] I know that was Thawne's doing. I know. But. How many Grays exist in my world? How many— children got swept up in this, exactly? Or others, for that matter. I did that. I knew there would be consequences. That is on me.
[ There's a long pause as he catches his breath, eyes half-lidded and weary. ]
And you need to let it lay, Ramon.
no subject
So that regret is a heavy weight that Cisco can't lift with logic or reason. Even if the initial release of dark matter energy was an accident that Harry couldn't have foreseen, there is the matter of Harry lying about it to the public for such a long time. ]
You feeling guilty doesn't undo it, and it doesn't help anyone.
[ Because he can't just let it lay, when Harry is hurt and exhausted and clearly beating himself up mentally far worse than Gray had done physically. ]
Once we fix this thing with Barry, and Zoom, we can track them down. However many Griffin Grays there are. And we can do whatever's possible to help them.
[ It's kind of funny, really. Eobard Thawne had exploded the accelerator on purpose, and made a hero like Barry in the process, for all the worst reasons. But Harry had created the metas on Earth 2 on accident, with only the best of intentions, and he'd made a monster like Zoom. It just doesn't seem fair. Cisco nuzzles his face into the back of Harry's shoulder, sighs heavily. ]
no subject
It's kind of Cisco to want to help and really, just like him at the end of the day. Too bad there's no helping anyone tied up in this situation. He lets out a noncommittal grunt in response, fingers curling. Only time would help at this point. Time, and his own form of atonement. First on the list: getting Barry his powers back somehow without putting anyone else in jeopardy.
After a moment, he heaves a sigh and uncurls his fingers, reaching up to rest a hand on Cisco's arm instead, quiet. ]
no subject
Look, I know you might not want to hear it right now, but you're a good man.
[ That's all - no false promises about being able to fix it all, no lies about Harry not being responsible. Just Cisco's whispered, fervent belief that, despite everything, Harry is fundamentally a good person.
And, well, if Harry isn't going to sleep, isn't even going to relax, there are things Cisco can do to help with that, too. Cisco squeezes Harry lightly before drawing his arms away and then he starts to massages Harry's back and neck. He is careful about it, testing with every new spot to make sure that Harry doesn't tense or flinch, avoiding anywhere that is bruised. ]
no subject
And then— to hell with it, to hell with raking himself any further over the coals than he already had today. He leans in to Cisco's touch, as if suddenly realizing how starved he's been for it, though the only noise of approval coming from him is a soft hum. It's a few moments before he murmurs a response. ]
You're right. I don't.
[ And yet, he's still leaning in towards him. ]
no subject
And if he's honest, this isn't only for Harry's benefit. It's comforting to Cisco, too. A reminder that Harry is solid and real and alive and here. A way of helping, however small, to drive away the darkness that's soaked into both their lives. He's always been good with his hands and always liked using them in the service of good.
Silence, he thinks, isn't an ally to either of them right now. It leaves Harry alone with his thoughts, and Cisco worrying about Harry and his thoughts. So he starts talking, with the express intent of boring Harry to sleep. Even if it doesn't work and he doesn't drop off entirely, it will at least fill up the empty air in the room. It's nothing interesting or fraught, the story he tells. Just a recounting of a silly dream he'd had the other day, when he fell asleep at the lab, about Shawna Baez showing up out of nowhere in a glowing dress, and how in the dream she'd shot him but he'd been saved by spilling orange soda and unknown chemicals on his shirt, which had made it bulletproof. The logic didn't make sense, but then again, what dream ever did? ]