[ Harrison glances over at him, watching him quietly as little by little, Cisco draws closer and closer to him until they're side by side, Cisco's hand over his. Quietly, Harrison turns his own hand over, lacing his fingers together with Cisco's and rubs at his hand lightly with his thumb, though he makes no other movements beyond that.
When Cisco's voice cracks, he gives his hand a light squeeze, taking the reins of the conversation. ]
Your powers are getting stronger. [ There's a pause. That's not the point, he knows, though it bears mentioning. It's not that Cisco's mind was doing it to torment him; rather, he'd managed to unlock more of his potential which was, in the long run, a good thing. Or it would be, once he could control it more. In this case, not so much.
He glances sidelong at him, words failing him now. He never was that great with them to begin with, but he should say something. Anything. In the end, he shakes his head slowly and speaks with a soft rasp. ] . . . You deserved better.
Yeah. Never vibed another timeline and seen stuff I wasn't there for, before.
[ There are times, mostly late at night after Harry's already fallen asleep, where Cisco thinks about his powers, and how they keep growing, and how far they might go. Sometimes he thinks about it with an almost breathless thrill of possibility. More often he thinks about it with gnawing uncertainty and an undertone of dread. But right now, at least, he isn't too concerned. There is too much else on his mind to worry about how his powers are reaching deeper and deeper into the workings of reality.
Cisco huffs a tiny, colorless laugh when Harry says he deserved better. Everyone on Earth deserved better than being murdered and their corpse left out in the open without a second glance. But he thinks he knows what Harry means - he's not just talking about basic human decency. He's talking about Eobard and him, about the betrayal more than the murder itself. Cisco shuts his eyes and says: ]
I know it's super weird for you. When I talk about him, I mean. I try not to, most of the time.
[ Cisco looks at his hand, where Harry's rubbing his thumb, a tiny gesture of reassurance. From Harry, though, small gestures seem to mean more, somehow. He might not be ostentatious about it, but he does care. So Cisco draws in a slightly unsteady breath, trying to pluck up his mood, adding: ]
No one likes hearing about their partner's evil ex, anyway. What is this, Scott Pilgrim?
You know that reference is flying right over my head, Ramon.
[ Though it's a muted, murmured retort, accompanied by the mildest of smirks — the corner of his mouth twitching upwards briefly. He'd expect as much though when it comes to the two of them talking about Thawne; an awkward joke here, a side-step there, and for the most part, they'd avoided anything to do with him, for better or for worse.
It seemed almost impossible to ignore him now, what with him looming large over Cisco.
Harrison lets out a soft sigh, lifting his head up towards him. ]
I know you do. — Try, anyway. [ He makes a small, vague gesture with his other hand before lowering it down onto the counter, fingers curling over the edge. ] But that's not . . .
[ His voice trails off as he grapples with his words. What was he trying to say, exactly? It's not like he'd ever had a go with an evil speedster in disguise, much less for an extended period of time. Except oh wait, he had, but that was different. There'd never been anything too serious with Garrick— with Zolomon. But . . . ]
. . . it's not the same. [ There's a long pause as Harrison chews at his lower lip idly, like he's debating on whether it's a good idea to go forward with what he's about to say. As a result, his words are stilted and he has to pause at times, softly stumbling here and there. ] It's— really not the same, Cisco. But. When she— [ His fingers curl a bit more over the edge of the counter. ] . . . passed, I buried myself in work. In Jesse's needs, too. [ His eyes flick forward, focusing on a point on the far wall, on anything else but the other person in the room. ] And I buried how I felt about all of it for— well. For years. And it built up.
[ He shakes his head quietly, willing himself to look back over at Cisco — or at least, in Cisco's direction. ]
What I'm getting at, Ramon, is that not talking about it is most likely doing you more harm than good. [ There's another long pause. He's not going to like saying it and Cisco definitely isn't going to like hearing it, but— ] Especially given your powers.
It's a comic. In order to date this one girl, the main guy's gotta fight everyone she's ever dated, first.
[ Cisco knows Harry wasn't actually asking for an explanation, but it's a brief moment of relief, to talk about something that's not him, or his life, or the less pleasant things that have happened in it.
He doesn't know what he was expecting Harry to say, when he brought up avoiding talking about Eobard. A nod, a dry small laugh, maybe even a thank you? Certainly, he didn't expect Harry to go even quieter, searching for words that are clearly difficult to find. For a moment or two Cisco has trouble with who 'she' must be, but then it hits him - Harry must be talking about Jesse's mom. Not all that hard to figure out, from the context, but it took him a moment to get there because Harry never talks about Jesse's mom. Like.... ever.
So now that he is, Cisco listens very carefully to what he's saying. The first part isn't much of a surprise - Harry burying grief in work. But then he is saying that it had been a bad call, that time had made things worse rather than better because he'd suppressed it. The part about his powers making things worse does, indeed, bring a frown to Cisco's face, even if he wipes it away a moment or two later. He never wanted these powers, and as hard as he's worked to train them and learn to tolerate them, they still feel like a remnant of Eobard that's embedded in his body - a piece of his awful legacy that Cisco wants no part of. ]
Did you? Ever unbury it, I mean.
[ If there were any time to ask that question, this seems like it. It breaks Cisco's heart a little, the way Harry looks away, directs the words down at his hands, still and sad. Cisco doesn't mind so much, then, redirecting the conversation to his own problems, to give Harry a little break from talking about things that are hard. ]
I don't know who I'd even... it's too close to home for Barry and Caitlin. Joe's great but he's not my dad. And there ain't no therapist in the city who's gonna hear "my ex was a time traveler from the future who murdered me in a different timeline that I still remember and I'm kinda messed up about it" and not send me off to the funny farm.
[ Which is as much of a confession as anything. It's about all he'll say on the matter, though he's said more than he really should at this point. He gives Cisco another side-long look, listening quietly. Harrison waits until he finishes before speaking. ]
Probably. Though they'd have better reasons to do it.
[ He gives him a faint smirk at that poor attempt at levity. It's all another distraction, though. Harrison would like to say he's a better person these days, but he's not good enough to offer himself up to him as an ear. Advice was never his strongest suit, beyond cautionary tales and coping mechanisms. His blood still boils at the thought of Thawne parading around S.T.A.R. Labs with his face and Allen, Snow, and Ramon all wound around his little finger, only for him to stab them in the back without any remorse. Or, in Cisco's case, break his heart in more ways than one.
Harrison can feel his fingers curl against the counter more, knuckles turning white with a clenched sort of rage, and he shakes his head slowly. ]
. . . I don't suppose "writing it down in a journal" would be too helpful, would it.
[ When Harry says there would be other reasons to think he was crazy than talking about time travel, Cisco rolls his eyes and manages a tiny smile. It's good, though. The attempt at humor, even if it isn't exactly Harry's best joke. It reminds Cisco, in a roundabout way, that there is more to him than this. Sure, everything with Eobard had changed him, and it's a part of him, but it's not all of him. And even if it all is looming large today, that doesn't mean it will tomorrow, or the day after.
His instincts are still telling him that once he can, he should go back to ignoring it all, pretending it didn't happen, trying to will himself to forget about it. But if he's reacting this intensely, after a year, it would seem that that strategy isn't exactly working. He is a few seconds from dismissing the journal idea out of hand, but he stops himself and actually considers. Apart from feeling a little silly about it, there's no real downside. If he didn't like it, he could always just stop. There would be no reason to lie, if he were only writing it down for himself. He could include all the parts that are too awful even to tell Harry, and he wouldn't need to worry about anyone's opinion of him changing. So long as he kept it safe. ]
Maybe. If I wrote it in code...
[ Cisco scrubs a hand over his face, trying to chase away the cobwebs. But of course, that could only do so much when they were still sitting here together, in this lab, which feels too full of memories. Abruptly, he gets to his feet. ]
You ever been to Midway before? I hear the zoo's pretty rad.
[ Harrison glances over at him, giving him a half-smile at the mention of writing it in code. The journal idea had been one he'd tossed out as a last ditch sort of thing, trying to offer any sort of solution at this point. The idea of it actually being viable was a bit heartening.
He then raises an eyebrow before shaking his head. ]
No. Not here, anyway. On my Earth, yeah — there's not much there. Not even a zoo.
[ He pushes himself off the counter and then dusts himself off before turning his attention back towards Cisco. ]
We start now, how long would it take to get there?
If we start now? Probably... about four hours, maybe three and a half. We could make it in time for dinner. [ Cisco's mouth quirks into a little smile. It's small, and lopsided, but it's something. ] We could go somewhere fancy.
[ He knows, of course, that whether they're in Midway or in Central City, 'somewhere fancy' isn't really Harry's idea of a good time. Which is why he's teasing him about it - trying to show that he's okay, that he hasn't totally lost his sense of humor and ability to make a (cute) nuisance of himself. ]
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franciscoramon) wrote2015-02-21 01:38 am
no subject
When Cisco's voice cracks, he gives his hand a light squeeze, taking the reins of the conversation. ]
Your powers are getting stronger. [ There's a pause. That's not the point, he knows, though it bears mentioning. It's not that Cisco's mind was doing it to torment him; rather, he'd managed to unlock more of his potential which was, in the long run, a good thing. Or it would be, once he could control it more. In this case, not so much.
He glances sidelong at him, words failing him now. He never was that great with them to begin with, but he should say something. Anything. In the end, he shakes his head slowly and speaks with a soft rasp. ] . . . You deserved better.
no subject
[ There are times, mostly late at night after Harry's already fallen asleep, where Cisco thinks about his powers, and how they keep growing, and how far they might go. Sometimes he thinks about it with an almost breathless thrill of possibility. More often he thinks about it with gnawing uncertainty and an undertone of dread. But right now, at least, he isn't too concerned. There is too much else on his mind to worry about how his powers are reaching deeper and deeper into the workings of reality.
Cisco huffs a tiny, colorless laugh when Harry says he deserved better. Everyone on Earth deserved better than being murdered and their corpse left out in the open without a second glance. But he thinks he knows what Harry means - he's not just talking about basic human decency. He's talking about Eobard and him, about the betrayal more than the murder itself. Cisco shuts his eyes and says: ]
I know it's super weird for you. When I talk about him, I mean. I try not to, most of the time.
[ Cisco looks at his hand, where Harry's rubbing his thumb, a tiny gesture of reassurance. From Harry, though, small gestures seem to mean more, somehow. He might not be ostentatious about it, but he does care. So Cisco draws in a slightly unsteady breath, trying to pluck up his mood, adding: ]
No one likes hearing about their partner's evil ex, anyway. What is this, Scott Pilgrim?
no subject
[ Though it's a muted, murmured retort, accompanied by the mildest of smirks — the corner of his mouth twitching upwards briefly. He'd expect as much though when it comes to the two of them talking about Thawne; an awkward joke here, a side-step there, and for the most part, they'd avoided anything to do with him, for better or for worse.
It seemed almost impossible to ignore him now, what with him looming large over Cisco.
Harrison lets out a soft sigh, lifting his head up towards him. ]
I know you do. — Try, anyway. [ He makes a small, vague gesture with his other hand before lowering it down onto the counter, fingers curling over the edge. ] But that's not . . .
[ His voice trails off as he grapples with his words. What was he trying to say, exactly? It's not like he'd ever had a go with an evil speedster in disguise, much less for an extended period of time. Except oh wait, he had, but that was different. There'd never been anything too serious with Garrick— with Zolomon. But . . . ]
. . . it's not the same. [ There's a long pause as Harrison chews at his lower lip idly, like he's debating on whether it's a good idea to go forward with what he's about to say. As a result, his words are stilted and he has to pause at times, softly stumbling here and there. ] It's— really not the same, Cisco. But. When she— [ His fingers curl a bit more over the edge of the counter. ] . . . passed, I buried myself in work. In Jesse's needs, too. [ His eyes flick forward, focusing on a point on the far wall, on anything else but the other person in the room. ] And I buried how I felt about all of it for— well. For years. And it built up.
[ He shakes his head quietly, willing himself to look back over at Cisco — or at least, in Cisco's direction. ]
What I'm getting at, Ramon, is that not talking about it is most likely doing you more harm than good. [ There's another long pause. He's not going to like saying it and Cisco definitely isn't going to like hearing it, but— ] Especially given your powers.
no subject
[ Cisco knows Harry wasn't actually asking for an explanation, but it's a brief moment of relief, to talk about something that's not him, or his life, or the less pleasant things that have happened in it.
He doesn't know what he was expecting Harry to say, when he brought up avoiding talking about Eobard. A nod, a dry small laugh, maybe even a thank you? Certainly, he didn't expect Harry to go even quieter, searching for words that are clearly difficult to find. For a moment or two Cisco has trouble with who 'she' must be, but then it hits him - Harry must be talking about Jesse's mom. Not all that hard to figure out, from the context, but it took him a moment to get there because Harry never talks about Jesse's mom. Like.... ever.
So now that he is, Cisco listens very carefully to what he's saying. The first part isn't much of a surprise - Harry burying grief in work. But then he is saying that it had been a bad call, that time had made things worse rather than better because he'd suppressed it. The part about his powers making things worse does, indeed, bring a frown to Cisco's face, even if he wipes it away a moment or two later. He never wanted these powers, and as hard as he's worked to train them and learn to tolerate them, they still feel like a remnant of Eobard that's embedded in his body - a piece of his awful legacy that Cisco wants no part of. ]
Did you? Ever unbury it, I mean.
[ If there were any time to ask that question, this seems like it. It breaks Cisco's heart a little, the way Harry looks away, directs the words down at his hands, still and sad. Cisco doesn't mind so much, then, redirecting the conversation to his own problems, to give Harry a little break from talking about things that are hard. ]
I don't know who I'd even... it's too close to home for Barry and Caitlin. Joe's great but he's not my dad. And there ain't no therapist in the city who's gonna hear "my ex was a time traveler from the future who murdered me in a different timeline that I still remember and I'm kinda messed up about it" and not send me off to the funny farm.
no subject
[ Which is as much of a confession as anything. It's about all he'll say on the matter, though he's said more than he really should at this point. He gives Cisco another side-long look, listening quietly. Harrison waits until he finishes before speaking. ]
Probably. Though they'd have better reasons to do it.
[ He gives him a faint smirk at that poor attempt at levity. It's all another distraction, though. Harrison would like to say he's a better person these days, but he's not good enough to offer himself up to him as an ear. Advice was never his strongest suit, beyond cautionary tales and coping mechanisms. His blood still boils at the thought of Thawne parading around S.T.A.R. Labs with his face and Allen, Snow, and Ramon all wound around his little finger, only for him to stab them in the back without any remorse. Or, in Cisco's case, break his heart in more ways than one.
Harrison can feel his fingers curl against the counter more, knuckles turning white with a clenched sort of rage, and he shakes his head slowly. ]
. . . I don't suppose "writing it down in a journal" would be too helpful, would it.
no subject
His instincts are still telling him that once he can, he should go back to ignoring it all, pretending it didn't happen, trying to will himself to forget about it. But if he's reacting this intensely, after a year, it would seem that that strategy isn't exactly working. He is a few seconds from dismissing the journal idea out of hand, but he stops himself and actually considers. Apart from feeling a little silly about it, there's no real downside. If he didn't like it, he could always just stop. There would be no reason to lie, if he were only writing it down for himself. He could include all the parts that are too awful even to tell Harry, and he wouldn't need to worry about anyone's opinion of him changing. So long as he kept it safe. ]
Maybe. If I wrote it in code...
[ Cisco scrubs a hand over his face, trying to chase away the cobwebs. But of course, that could only do so much when they were still sitting here together, in this lab, which feels too full of memories. Abruptly, he gets to his feet. ]
You ever been to Midway before? I hear the zoo's pretty rad.
no subject
He then raises an eyebrow before shaking his head. ]
No. Not here, anyway. On my Earth, yeah — there's not much there. Not even a zoo.
[ He pushes himself off the counter and then dusts himself off before turning his attention back towards Cisco. ]
We start now, how long would it take to get there?
no subject
[ He knows, of course, that whether they're in Midway or in Central City, 'somewhere fancy' isn't really Harry's idea of a good time. Which is why he's teasing him about it - trying to show that he's okay, that he hasn't totally lost his sense of humor and ability to make a (cute) nuisance of himself. ]