[After a few minutes, it's easier to relax and let Cisco hold him, cradle him against his shoulder and neck, and Eddie's arms tighten around his waist a little, clinging to him. So he stays still and accepts the comfort, and when Cisco starts talking he listens, because Cisco always knows what to say, to make everything better. Because Cisco approaches things in a different way than he does, he thinks in a way that gives him more options, and Cisco had said it himself - Eddie traps himself in one outcome and gives up. Cisco doesn't. Eddie is ready to abandon himself to having failed in yet another way. But Cisco isn't.
And Cisco explains, sympathizes from a place of empathy and understanding and shared experience at carrying the weight of something that wasn't his fault. It's hard, for Eddie to refuse to accept responsibility for the singularity - his entire life, he's been pushed to accept responsibility, to be responsible, and it's hard to let go of that. But he tries, because even if he doesn't believe in himself right now, Cisco does.
And then he explains more about the circumstances of Ronnie's death, that he'd made the choice to do what he did, that he was a hero. And Cisco calls them both heroes, but Eddie has a hard time believing that about himself. He shakes his head, takes a shuddery breath, can't bring himself to lift his head when he speaks, because he can't see Cisco's face right now.]
I just...I keep thinking I shouldn't have done it. That I could have found another way, I just...there was no right choice to make. But it sounds like such an excuse, when I did so much damage.
[ Cisco keeps holding onto Eddie, bringing his hand down to rub at his back, mindless soothing circles. As hard as it is seeing him like this, it's better than letting him shut himself off, internalize all this and come out the other end hating himself, feeling like he is a failure or worthless or any of the other awful things Cisco knows he thinks about himself sometimes. ]
Listen. The only damage you did, the only damage you did was to yourself. Everything else, the singularity, that was because of Eobard. Because he choose to come back in time hundreds of years to kill a kid and then got stuck and spent a decade messing with the timeline all because he was selfish and didn't care how many people he hurt trying to get home. So if you wanna blame someone, blame him. You were being selfless and just trying to save as many people as you could in the best way you knew how. And... and even if shooting yourself was a mistake, it doesn't make you guilty of all the stuff you had no control over.
[ Cisco doesn't know if he ought to tell Eddie he had done the right thing, sacrificing his life. Maybe he should, but he can't bring himself to. If Eddie hadn't done it, Cisco knows he might have died, they all might have died. But he also knows that Eddie's snap decision to kill himself had been about more than just nobly saving all of them. That was a big part of it, but there had also been other factors. And Cisco doesn't really want to discourage him regretting that decision, because some part of him is still scared Eddie will think it's a viable option in the future, if Eobard goes back to his old tricks. ]
[Despite Cisco's reassurances, his comfort, the way he holds him and tries to get through to him, to explain why it wasn't his fault, why the only person he'd hurt that day had been himself, Eddie has a hard time with it. The guilt is a living thing, worming into his chest, his gut; the sense of failure is even worse, like a nail driven into him.
Cisco's words are good, but it's almost impossible to really believe them. Even if Cisco believes it, even if he's earnest, even if it makes sense, Eddie can't bring himself to throw all that blame on Eobard. There had to have been a way that didn't hurt anyone, or at least hurt fewer people. There's no way to think of himself as selfless anymore - he had died thinking he was a hero, but he had only managed to hurt people, destroy things, and hurt the people he loved.
Burying his face into Cisco's neck, he hides for a while, inhaling the comforting scent of him, letting him rub his back with strong, warm hands, comforting himself with Cisco's presence. For a moment, the desire to push Cisco away overwhelms the desire for comfort, because he doesn't deserve something so nice. Doesn't deserve to be cared about or loved, Eobard had made that intensely clear, and Eobard had been right about it, he thinks. Useless, and damaging.
Breath hitching again, he bites the inside of his lip, and is quiet, for a few moments. Unable to speak, he expresses what he's feeling by closing his fists into the back of Cisco's shirt, fingers digging into fabric.]
[ He doesn't know what else to say, what else to do, except to keep holding him. This isn't the first time Cisco has found himself in a situation like this. After the singularity, Barry had blamed himself, had gone all lone wolf and cut off his friends and his loved ones for months. He thought it was his fault because he'd taken Eobard's devil's bargain and gone back to save his mom, only to change his mind. And Caitlin, too, had held herself responsible for Ronnie's death, had gone off to be alone with her grief at Mercury Labs.
For just a moment, Cisco wonders if he'll lose Eddie for a while, too, over this. But he shoves that thought down as far as he can, out of sight. ]
[He's not sure why Cisco is apologizing, when none of this was his fault. Cisco was one of the blameless ones, him and Iris and Joe, Ronnie and Caitlin. The people who hadn't done anything to contribute to what had happened, people who were victims. Even if he throws all the fault on Eobard, Eobard is still his responsibility, his descendant, his fault. Eobard came from him, and he can't just ignore that either. Eddie was the one who deserved to die because of Eobard, and no one else. Not Ronnie. Not anyone.
His eyes squeeze closed and he shivers a little, exhaling a rush of breath, resting his weight against Cisco, and when Cisco begs him to let him help, for Eddie to talk to him, he swallows hard, gnaws at his lower lip. With his brain going a million miles an hour, all sickening guilt that burns in his gut like acid, it's hard to work out what words he could say that would make sense.
After a moment, he exhales shakily, and speaks, his voice a little hitched.]
Why? Just because he's your great, great, great grandson, or whatever?! How is that on you? [ Cisco keeps smoothing his hand over Eddie's back as he speaks. ] I get it. In whatever distant way, he's family, and family stuff's complicated. But Eddie... don't you get it that saying it's your fault makes no sense. You didn't raise him. You didn't raise whoever raised him. It's so far removed... I don't even know who my great great great grandfather was. But I do know that, whoever he was, he certainly wasn't responsible for making me a good person, or a bad person, or an engineer, or whatever.
[ Cisco knows that Eddie's feeling of guilt isn't coming from a place of logic, that logical arguments probably aren't the way to alleviate it. But the idea that Eddie is responsible for Eobard is abhorrent to him - moreso than he would have anticipated. He takes a moment to sift through his thoughts, to understand why that line of reasoning upsets him. Once he realizes, he speaks again, quietly but firmly. ]
Look, I know- I know how easy it is, to see everything as your own personal fuck-up. But don't you see... trying to assign blame to other people for the things he did, that's a slippery slope. Is Barry responsible for Eobard, because he was the one he came back to kill? Is the real Harrison Wells, for providing him an identity he could use that people would trust? Am I responsible for him, for not saying the right thing at the right moment to make him change his ways?
[As much as Cisco might not think logic would work, it does have a surprisingly strong impact on Eddie. Empathetic and emotional as he is, he's a logical person. He understands cause and effect, action and consequence, and when Cisco explains things the way he does, it makes sense. Especially when he equates it to his own life, what he knows about his own family tree.
It makes sense, and it alleviates some of Eddie's fears. His body relaxes a little as he rests against Cisco, lets his strong hands rub firm gentle circles against his back. He accepts the comfort for a few moments, and listens. When Cisco starts equating it to things that Barry or Harrison or Cisco himself could have done to stop Eobard, he starts shaking his head a little, breath catching in his throat, because that's not how it is in his head. It's not the reasoning he was following.]
No, no. [He lifts his head so he can look at Cisco, jaw a little tight against the embarrassment of knowing his eyes are red-rimmed and stinging, even if he hasn't cried. But he wants to be looking Cisco in the face when he says it.]
I know that I didn't do anything to make him the way he is, and there's nothing...absolutely nothing, that you or Barry or Harrison did wrong to make him the way he is. No one could have changed that. [He swallows hard, and he can't hold eye contact, not while saying the next part.]
What is my fault is that he exists in the first place. He came from me, my bloodline. I'm not naive enough to think there's some evil lurking in my genetics or anything, but if I hadn't done what people do...if I hadn't fallen in love, had a family...he wouldn't exist. Me, doing those things, that's why he had a chance to become what he became for whatever reason he did. If I'd just...if I hadn't been so selfish, insisting on...
[He shakes his head, swallows hard past a dry lump in his throat.]
That's why I was the only one who deserved to die to take him out of the timeline. Not Ronnie, not any of the other people who were hurt or killed by the singularity. Just me. It should only, ever, have been me.
[ Cisco hates to see Eddie like this; trying hard to open up but still keeping his emotions in check, still controlling himself, because he thinks he needs to. The way Eddie's gaze slides from his makes Cisco's stomach sink with unhappiness. ]
How is any of that selfish? [ His voice is small when he says it, and Cisco brings his hands up to cup Eddie's face. ] There had to be at least a dozen other people who did the same thing to give him that chance. Whoever would've had your kid, and whoever would've married them, and were their parents to blame, too? What about your child's child?
[ Perhaps it is because he hasn't put as much thought into having kids as Eddie had, hadn't wanted it the same way he did, but Cisco still doesn't understand. Except he can hear the strain in Eddie's voice, and his own has started to go a bit funny as he cuts in to say, with a vehemence that's coming close to anger. ]
You didn't deserve to die. Please, Eddie. Please don't say that. It shouldn't have been you. The fact that they died and it's wrong doesn't mean that you dying was right.
[It isn't that he's afraid of showing Cisco how he feels - it's a complicated thing, the desire to keep his composure. An ingrained response, a desire not to look stupid and weak, a desire not to be seen that way. It had always helped him, to keep pushing those things down somewhere deep inside himself so he could remain functional. Iris had always allowed it, had never pushed hard to make him express himself.
Cisco doesn't make it easy to keep things bottled up. When his hands come up to cup Eddie's face, he glances up at him, his blue eyes flicking up to Cisco's dark ones for a moment before he looks down again. Cisco is always fighting on his behalf, it seems, feeling so intensely all the things Eddie should probably be expressing and can't bring himself to. Cisco is reassuring him, protective of him, almost angry on his behalf as he tells him he didn't deserve to die.
After a few moments, after Cisco is done speaking, he finally manages to hold eye contact, takes a few shaky breaths.]
I wanted to be perfect. [It seems so simple.] Have a good career and a family. If I'd just stopped wanting that for myself and stayed the fat kid, I probably wouldn't have had any of that, and... [He shrugs.] That sounds really stupid, doesn't it? Now that I said it out loud, it sounds really stupid.
[For a moment, he's still. Quiet. He doesn't do well at this, expressing himself. He isn't good at it. It's hard to know what to say to people, but after a moment he speaks again.]
[ That's... a lot to mull over. It sounds like, at the bottom of it all, Eddie thinks he never deserved happiness. And happiness, as he saw it then (sees it still, probably) is all those things - career, family, fitting in, being fit, being 'perfect'. Things that someone as flawed and only-human as him didn't deserve.
He keeps quiet while Eddie tries to find the words, until he asks his question. ]
No one. The answer's no one.
[ Eddie's eyes look even bluer than usual, with his eyes so red; Cisco doesn't look away from them as he speaks. This strain in Eddie reminds Cisco so much of Barry - that impetus towards heroism comes with a corresponding pride that tends to take responsibility for everything under the sun. For each of them, Cisco knows, that desire to save everyone comes from pain. For Barry, it's the pain of what was done to his mother, the injustice of what happened to his father. For Eddie, he thinks it comes from an idea that he can only have self-worth in the service of others, that being a hero is his way of justifying his own existence on the planet.
Cisco wishes he could make him see that he doesn't need that justification. That it's okay to be flawed - that it's okay to just be. ]
You're not wrong for wanting to be happy. And you're not wrong for... living your life the way you want to, and being the person you wanna be. Whoever that person is. Not sure I really buy the whole 'perfection or bust' mindset, but that's neither here nor there right now. Eobard and everything he did aren't some kind of... comeuppance for your hubris, Eddie.
[Sometimes it catches him off-guard when Cisco stays still and listens to him and the expression on his face clearly communicates that he's taking it in, that he's processing it, that he's taking time with Eddie's words and thoughts, his feelings, and for a moment, his heart and his belly tense up because it's so strange to be heard like this. No one has ever really taken time to hear him, to put this much thought into what he's saying and unravel it for him because they want to make him feel better.
His throat is tight and for a few moments, after Cisco finishes speaking, he can't talk. Instead, he just leans his head forward and presses it against Cisco's forehead, breathes carefully, a ragged and trembling thing.]
I guess I just... [He holds his breath for a second, because speaking is hard, physically and mentally. It's hard to come out and say the things he has in his mind because they always sound so stupid out loud.] ...I thought that doing what I did would fix it. That it would be a sacrifice that was worth it and realizing what happened afterward, I thought...maybe it wasn't. Because I just hurt more people.
[His hands come up to cup Cisco's face between them, and he swallows hard, past a lump in his throat.] I saved you, though. [It's breathed out, almost a whisper.] And you make me so happy.
[Another shaky exhalation, and he brushes his thumbs against Cisco's cheekbones, hands still on either side of his face.] Why are you so good to me?
It doesn't work like that. The universe doesn't operate on scales of like... righteousness, or worthiness. Not really. Stuff just happens, and we try to do our best, but sometimes things are just... out of our control.
[ Cisco knows how tempting it can be to think that way. That it's possible to balance the equation - portion out the right amount of penance and things will be okay. But it's just an illusion; the randomness of the universe doesn't care about right or wrong. Which doesn't mean people should stop trying to do right, of course. But for different reasons. ]
You did save me.
[ He remembers it all too well - the way he'd flown through the air when Barry broke the time ship, how the Reverse Flash had sworn he was going to kill Barry, then him and Joe, and then Caitlin and Stein and everyone else...
When Eddie asks why Cisco is so good to him, it makes his chest ache a little. Logically, he knows he's asked the same question himself a dozen times at least, knows the exact emotional place it comes from. Which is why he hates with such vehemence the idea that Eddie is asking it, that he feels so unworthy of being treated kindly that it leaves him confused. ]
Gosh, I don't know. Guess I must like you or somethin'.
[ He kisses Eddie, then. Not for too long, and not too insistent. More of a gesture than a kiss. His voice is quieter as he adds, more seriously: ]
[It doesn't seem fair. It's hard to wrap his head around the idea that he hadn't done anything wrong, that he couldn't have done anything different, that he hadn't screwed things up somehow. That if he'd just behaved in a different way, done different things, then none of this would have happened. He wouldn't have died, Cisco and Iris and Barry and Joe and everyone else wouldn't have been hurt. Whenever he thinks about Eobard, tries to make it make sense in his head, the only thing that works is that Eddie had done something wrong by wanting a family.]
I guess it's easier to blame myself than accept that.
[His voice is soft, rough, and he falls quiet as Cisco teases him, then leans in to kiss him and afterward says in a voice that's softer and more honest that he thinks Eddie is a good person, and he deserves it. A weak but genuine smile crosses Eddie's face, and he leans in to press a soft kiss against Cisco's lower lip, then sighs softly.]
You're so good, and I just don't know how you put up with my moping sometimes. [A little laugh, equally weak, and he closes his eyes for a moment.] I'll make it up to you. I promise.
[ Funny, how similar the two of them can be. If the situation were reversed, Cisco knows he would be saying the exact same thing. Eddie's helped him through far worse than just moping - to him, it seems only too obvious that the scales are tipped so that he is the one who owes the debt. But it's much easier to say I'm not "putting up" with you than it is to actually believe it. ]
Don't worry about it. Lemme take care of you for once, okay?
[ With that, Cisco gently nudges Eddie back towards the bed, arm looped around his lower back. Part of him wants to tell Eddie that he can just let it out, that he'll feel better if he just cries and gets it out of his system. But he knows better than that by now. It's more difficult for Eddie than it is for him, letting certain kinds of vulnerability show. What he needs is patience, not advice or commentary. ]
I'm glad you talked to Rip. He's gotta know something that'll be helpful.
[ Because he doesn't want Eddie only thinking about the past - not when there's a future ahead of them in which the chances of being able to save him just got a little bit better. ]
[It's very difficult for Eddie to be the one who is vulnerable or hurt, and usually he'd push it down, bury it under smiles and activity. But Cisco can read him too well for that now, is too attentive, and it both hurts and feels good that Cisco is seeing this ugly weak part of himself and is somehow, impossibly, still here. Eddie is so used to people liking him because he smiles, because he is strong and capable of providing support, and even still, whenever he shows this part of himself, he expects it to be a turn-off. That he won't be appealing or sexy anymore, because of his weakness. An object of pity instead of admiration.
So when Cisco wraps an arm around his back and asks to be allowed to take care of him, walks to the bed with him and sits close, it makes his throat tight all over again. He settles and nods and can't reply because he can't talk past the lump in his throat until Cisco changes the subject.]
So am I. Most of what he said went totally over my head, but I thought you'd probably understand it. And he seemed pretty willing to help. It kind of surprised me, since he seemed kinda harsh at first. I thought he might be mad that I messed up the timeline, but...
[Rip had also said it was beyond his control, that he couldn't help it. Its just hard to accept or believe.]
[ Cisco makes a small scoffing noise when Eddie says he thought Rip would be mad, rubbing his hand against Eddie's back once again when they've sat down. ]
If what I've heard from Ray's true, he's personally done a hell of a lot more to mess up the timeline than you. Than either of us.
[ They'd nearly changed the outcome of the Cold War: that's bigger than Eddie erasing one man from existence by killing himself, even with the singularity factored in. But Cisco isn't actually judgmental of the fact that Rip's intervened. Quite the opposite. ]
That's good, though. It means when he says he's willing to help, he means it. He's willing to do the right thing even if it's hard. And saving you's the right thing, so... he'll have our backs, probably. Which is awesome.
[ Cisco turns to plant a kiss on Eddie's temple. There are no guarantees, but Cisco isn't going to let his optimism flag. He'll believe enough for the both of them, work hard enough, and they'll find a way. He knows they will. ]
Well Ray said that instead of just asking, he just grabbed all of them and then showed them what the world would look like if they didn't stop Savage. I don't think tact's really his thing, somehow.
[Cisco's hand presses against his back, warm and supportive, and Eddie lets his eyes fall closed. They still sting, feel gritty with the pressure of needing to cry but not wanting to. It's still weighing on him, heavy, the guilt and the grief and the sense of shame, the crushing feeling of failure - he has a feeling it's going to be there, lurking, for a long time, ready to surface the moment he's not thinking enough. As much as he believes Cisco, as he believes he means what he's saying, this is something that's going to take a long time to pass, he thinks.
For now, he tries to go along with what Cisco is doing, distracting and focusing on the positive, listens to him talking about what he knows about Rip, about what that might mean for him and his future. For their future.]
You're right. He seems like that kind of person. I'm not sure I trust him yet, but...it might mean something good.
[Eddie takes another breath, then shifts against the bed, leans over and rests his head against Cisco's shoulder, swallows hard.]
I could use more good. Getting closer to being able to go home. [A shaky exhalation.] What do you think life would be like? Back home?
Yeah, me either. [ Trust isn't something Cisco gives out very lightly these days. Not after Jay. But he doesn't have to trust Rip for him to be useful.
Cisco presses his cheek against Eddie's head; he can tell Eddie only feels a fraction better, if that. At least he'd stayed, hadn't left and closed himself off. The rest will come with time, hopefully. Time and patience. ]
Well... let's see. I have thought about it quite a bit. [ Cisco brings a hand up to run fingers through Eddie's hair as he talks, knowing how much that kind of touch helps him when he's low. He keeps his voice slow, speculative, gentle. ]
My idea was, we can tell everyone you're the you from Earth-2. Not like anyone's gonna be going through any breaches to check. Captain Singh and the police department all know about doppelgangers. You'd have to lie a little bit, to a lot of people, but I think that would be the best way. You might be able to get your job back.
And... chances are one way we can make sure we don't ruffle the timeline too much is having you change your name. Can't be Eddie Thawne, ancestor to Eobard Thawne, if make your legal name... Eddie Smith. Or you could go for a pun and have it be Eddie Kreuger. That'd be pretty funny.
[ But Eddie hadn't been only asking about the hows of it. He wanted reassurance. To be able to imagine it as a real possibility. So he switches from how it would be, to how it will be, and focuses on the details. ]
Other than that I think it'll be about the same. Even if you aren't at the CCPD anymore, you can help at S.T.A.R. Labs. We've got the whole Zoom mess to deal with and it's all hands on deck. Jitters has got a new drink on their menu called the Flash, so obviously, you gotta try that. And there's this awesome new Korean place I'm definitely dragging you to. Plus I'm still gonna make you watch Star Trek, even without as much time to kill as we have here.
[The warm weight of Cisco's head against his is reassuring, and Eddie exhales some of the tension. He's still feeling shaky, reeling a little, and part of him thinks it hasn't entirely settled in yet, hasn't registered properly. It doesn't have to, right now. Cisco was honest with him, and he appreciates it, especially after their conversation about not avoiding the hard things, but it's taking a while for his brain to properly go over everything that's been said. To process the staggering level of guilt and responsibility, and also the justifications Cisco had given him.
But Cisco is here and warm and supportive and gently pushing him to keep him from giving up or closing off and shutting down, and so he lets Cisco do it. Lets him take some of the weight off and talk at him about what it will be like when he goes home, how they can handle it - more reassuring than Cisco might think, actually, because plans and strategies seem so concrete to him - and then how they'll be. The things they'll do together, that Cisco will show him. Exhaling a shaky sigh, he gives Cisco a weak smile.]
They know about the doppelgangers? That's definitely helpful. Eddie Kreuger isn't bad but...I could use my mom's maiden name, maybe. Eddie Bradford? Not bad.
[Another exhalation, and he loops his arm around the small of Cisco's back, closes his eyes while he thinks about that. Being back in Central City, being at the CCPD or in S.T.A.R. Labs, going to Jitters and Korean with Cisco, watching Star Trek and playing video games.]
Mm, I'll have to bring you dinner at the Labs when you forget to come home because you're too busy working on things. Maybe you could teach me how to be your lab assistant.
[Opening his eyes, he glances up at Cisco - from this angle he can just see the angle of his jaw, the shape of his lips and nose - and smiles a bit.]
[ Cisco scrapes his fingernails lightly against Eddie's scalp, cards fingers through his fine hair - it's gotten long, these last few months. It wouldn't be hard, convincing Singh that this Eddie was a different person. He seems so changed from the Eddie that Cisco had known back in Central City. But perhaps it's not that he's changed so much - just that Cisco sees him far more clearly now than he ever had, then. He'd only glimpsed a small facet of Eddie and assumed it was the whole. Now, he knows different. ]
Mmm, I like the sound of that even better. Eddie Bradford, my own personal hunky errand boy.
[ His tone is only half-joking; it's all too easy to imagine, transplanting themselves from here to Central City. Picking up where they'd left off. All the steps between here and there - the how of it - aren't as important as the fact that they both want it, that it could actually work, the two of them. ]
I could definitely teach you. You'll be more than that, though. You could be a liaison between us and the CCPD, or help set up some kinda outreach program for metas so maybe we can help some of them before they actually become criminals. Or... or lots of stuff.
[Eddie's eyes flutter half-closed when Cisco scrapes his nails against his scalp, lips parting a little. The touch, the scrape of nails, the way Cisco's fingers smooth through his hair - all of it is incredibly soothing. So he sits still and he tries his best to let all of it soothe him. Cisco's presence and support and the life that he's weaving for them. And by the time Cisco's finished talking about helping at the Labs and liaising between them and the CCPD, it's working.
Enough that he lets out a soft laugh.]
Hunky errand boy, huh? Sounds kinky.
[He takes a deep breath, holds it, and then exhales.]
All of that sounds amazing. And we could share an apartment, maybe, after a while. I could take you to dim sum...I love dim sum. It's so great, I love trying all the things I would never think of eating and seeing what I like. It's a great place to take someone on a date, and I never got to take you.
[His hand moves across his lap, finds Cisco's free hand, and curls into it, twining his fingers through his boyfriend's and squeezing lightly.]
[ The fact that Eddie's able to laugh, able to joke about it like that, is a good sign. Even if it's hard for him right now, an effort rather than something that comes naturally. Cisco's not sure it's right, and he's not sure it's the healthiest, but he's found in his own life that there's some merit in faking it until he actually feels it. Didn't always work - and sometimes it became a crutch that helped him avoid problems that needed dealing with. But at other times, it kept him going when little else did. ]
Doesn't have to be after a while, far as I'm concerned.
[ Which... is a pretty big thing to say, actually. But they lead such lives of strange disproportion. Saying you'd be willing to move in with a guy after only dating him a little over a couple months is really not all that drastic, when your life involves death and resurrection and screwed up timelines and erased timelines and monsters and singularities. Hard to worry about going too fast, in a relationship, when everything else is turned up to 11. ]
I am all about the dim sum. That's the first place we should go. I'll get all dressed up any everything.
[ He squeezes Eddie's hand back, then keeps tight hold of it. Cisco doesn't know what to say to his thanks - you're welcome seems wrong, but so does dismissing it. In the end he opts for silence, and another kiss to Eddie's temple, letting the stroking of his thumb against the back of Eddie's hand speak for him.]
[The ability to laugh - it surprises him too. He doesn't feel like he should be capable, feels a little guilty for it, when he should be feeling guilty. But Eddie doesn't like to feel bad, and moving past it is preferable, even if it takes a bit of forced humour. Thankfully, Cisco lets him, teases him back, and then follows up with a comment that makes him feel better in such a genuine way.]
Yeah? I'd like that.
[And he would, he realizes. They don't live together here, but they spend so many nights together that it feels strange when Cisco isn't with him in bed. Cisco's things litter his apartment and he has things at Cisco's place too, their lives have intermingled in a comfortable way even while they do their own thing. It's nice, to think that it would carry on if they went back home, that the relationship wouldn't be demoted to something smaller.
When Cisco says he's all about dim sum, Eddie smiles a little and nods.]
Awesome. [A pause, and an exhalation.] There's a dim sum place here. I go there a lot, but it's really not the same as Mama Chow's. There's something about the cooking there that's just...well. It's home, I guess. I'm used to it. It's my favourite. I can't wait to take you there.
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no subject
And Cisco explains, sympathizes from a place of empathy and understanding and shared experience at carrying the weight of something that wasn't his fault. It's hard, for Eddie to refuse to accept responsibility for the singularity - his entire life, he's been pushed to accept responsibility, to be responsible, and it's hard to let go of that. But he tries, because even if he doesn't believe in himself right now, Cisco does.
And then he explains more about the circumstances of Ronnie's death, that he'd made the choice to do what he did, that he was a hero. And Cisco calls them both heroes, but Eddie has a hard time believing that about himself. He shakes his head, takes a shuddery breath, can't bring himself to lift his head when he speaks, because he can't see Cisco's face right now.]
I just...I keep thinking I shouldn't have done it. That I could have found another way, I just...there was no right choice to make. But it sounds like such an excuse, when I did so much damage.
no subject
Listen. The only damage you did, the only damage you did was to yourself. Everything else, the singularity, that was because of Eobard. Because he choose to come back in time hundreds of years to kill a kid and then got stuck and spent a decade messing with the timeline all because he was selfish and didn't care how many people he hurt trying to get home. So if you wanna blame someone, blame him. You were being selfless and just trying to save as many people as you could in the best way you knew how. And... and even if shooting yourself was a mistake, it doesn't make you guilty of all the stuff you had no control over.
[ Cisco doesn't know if he ought to tell Eddie he had done the right thing, sacrificing his life. Maybe he should, but he can't bring himself to. If Eddie hadn't done it, Cisco knows he might have died, they all might have died. But he also knows that Eddie's snap decision to kill himself had been about more than just nobly saving all of them. That was a big part of it, but there had also been other factors. And Cisco doesn't really want to discourage him regretting that decision, because some part of him is still scared Eddie will think it's a viable option in the future, if Eobard goes back to his old tricks. ]
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Cisco's words are good, but it's almost impossible to really believe them. Even if Cisco believes it, even if he's earnest, even if it makes sense, Eddie can't bring himself to throw all that blame on Eobard. There had to have been a way that didn't hurt anyone, or at least hurt fewer people. There's no way to think of himself as selfless anymore - he had died thinking he was a hero, but he had only managed to hurt people, destroy things, and hurt the people he loved.
Burying his face into Cisco's neck, he hides for a while, inhaling the comforting scent of him, letting him rub his back with strong, warm hands, comforting himself with Cisco's presence. For a moment, the desire to push Cisco away overwhelms the desire for comfort, because he doesn't deserve something so nice. Doesn't deserve to be cared about or loved, Eobard had made that intensely clear, and Eobard had been right about it, he thinks. Useless, and damaging.
Breath hitching again, he bites the inside of his lip, and is quiet, for a few moments. Unable to speak, he expresses what he's feeling by closing his fists into the back of Cisco's shirt, fingers digging into fabric.]
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[ He doesn't know what else to say, what else to do, except to keep holding him. This isn't the first time Cisco has found himself in a situation like this. After the singularity, Barry had blamed himself, had gone all lone wolf and cut off his friends and his loved ones for months. He thought it was his fault because he'd taken Eobard's devil's bargain and gone back to save his mom, only to change his mind. And Caitlin, too, had held herself responsible for Ronnie's death, had gone off to be alone with her grief at Mercury Labs.
For just a moment, Cisco wonders if he'll lose Eddie for a while, too, over this. But he shoves that thought down as far as he can, out of sight. ]
Let me help you? Please? Talk to me?
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His eyes squeeze closed and he shivers a little, exhaling a rush of breath, resting his weight against Cisco, and when Cisco begs him to let him help, for Eddie to talk to him, he swallows hard, gnaws at his lower lip. With his brain going a million miles an hour, all sickening guilt that burns in his gut like acid, it's hard to work out what words he could say that would make sense.
After a moment, he exhales shakily, and speaks, his voice a little hitched.]
I...Eobard is my fault too. My responsibility.
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[ Cisco knows that Eddie's feeling of guilt isn't coming from a place of logic, that logical arguments probably aren't the way to alleviate it. But the idea that Eddie is responsible for Eobard is abhorrent to him - moreso than he would have anticipated. He takes a moment to sift through his thoughts, to understand why that line of reasoning upsets him. Once he realizes, he speaks again, quietly but firmly. ]
Look, I know- I know how easy it is, to see everything as your own personal fuck-up. But don't you see... trying to assign blame to other people for the things he did, that's a slippery slope. Is Barry responsible for Eobard, because he was the one he came back to kill? Is the real Harrison Wells, for providing him an identity he could use that people would trust? Am I responsible for him, for not saying the right thing at the right moment to make him change his ways?
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It makes sense, and it alleviates some of Eddie's fears. His body relaxes a little as he rests against Cisco, lets his strong hands rub firm gentle circles against his back. He accepts the comfort for a few moments, and listens. When Cisco starts equating it to things that Barry or Harrison or Cisco himself could have done to stop Eobard, he starts shaking his head a little, breath catching in his throat, because that's not how it is in his head. It's not the reasoning he was following.]
No, no. [He lifts his head so he can look at Cisco, jaw a little tight against the embarrassment of knowing his eyes are red-rimmed and stinging, even if he hasn't cried. But he wants to be looking Cisco in the face when he says it.]
I know that I didn't do anything to make him the way he is, and there's nothing...absolutely nothing, that you or Barry or Harrison did wrong to make him the way he is. No one could have changed that. [He swallows hard, and he can't hold eye contact, not while saying the next part.]
What is my fault is that he exists in the first place. He came from me, my bloodline. I'm not naive enough to think there's some evil lurking in my genetics or anything, but if I hadn't done what people do...if I hadn't fallen in love, had a family...he wouldn't exist. Me, doing those things, that's why he had a chance to become what he became for whatever reason he did. If I'd just...if I hadn't been so selfish, insisting on...
[He shakes his head, swallows hard past a dry lump in his throat.]
That's why I was the only one who deserved to die to take him out of the timeline. Not Ronnie, not any of the other people who were hurt or killed by the singularity. Just me. It should only, ever, have been me.
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How is any of that selfish? [ His voice is small when he says it, and Cisco brings his hands up to cup Eddie's face. ] There had to be at least a dozen other people who did the same thing to give him that chance. Whoever would've had your kid, and whoever would've married them, and were their parents to blame, too? What about your child's child?
[ Perhaps it is because he hasn't put as much thought into having kids as Eddie had, hadn't wanted it the same way he did, but Cisco still doesn't understand. Except he can hear the strain in Eddie's voice, and his own has started to go a bit funny as he cuts in to say, with a vehemence that's coming close to anger. ]
You didn't deserve to die. Please, Eddie. Please don't say that. It shouldn't have been you. The fact that they died and it's wrong doesn't mean that you dying was right.
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Cisco doesn't make it easy to keep things bottled up. When his hands come up to cup Eddie's face, he glances up at him, his blue eyes flicking up to Cisco's dark ones for a moment before he looks down again. Cisco is always fighting on his behalf, it seems, feeling so intensely all the things Eddie should probably be expressing and can't bring himself to. Cisco is reassuring him, protective of him, almost angry on his behalf as he tells him he didn't deserve to die.
After a few moments, after Cisco is done speaking, he finally manages to hold eye contact, takes a few shaky breaths.]
I wanted to be perfect. [It seems so simple.] Have a good career and a family. If I'd just stopped wanting that for myself and stayed the fat kid, I probably wouldn't have had any of that, and... [He shrugs.] That sounds really stupid, doesn't it? Now that I said it out loud, it sounds really stupid.
[For a moment, he's still. Quiet. He doesn't do well at this, expressing himself. He isn't good at it. It's hard to know what to say to people, but after a moment he speaks again.]
If not me, then who?
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He keeps quiet while Eddie tries to find the words, until he asks his question. ]
No one. The answer's no one.
[ Eddie's eyes look even bluer than usual, with his eyes so red; Cisco doesn't look away from them as he speaks. This strain in Eddie reminds Cisco so much of Barry - that impetus towards heroism comes with a corresponding pride that tends to take responsibility for everything under the sun. For each of them, Cisco knows, that desire to save everyone comes from pain. For Barry, it's the pain of what was done to his mother, the injustice of what happened to his father. For Eddie, he thinks it comes from an idea that he can only have self-worth in the service of others, that being a hero is his way of justifying his own existence on the planet.
Cisco wishes he could make him see that he doesn't need that justification. That it's okay to be flawed - that it's okay to just be. ]
You're not wrong for wanting to be happy. And you're not wrong for... living your life the way you want to, and being the person you wanna be. Whoever that person is. Not sure I really buy the whole 'perfection or bust' mindset, but that's neither here nor there right now. Eobard and everything he did aren't some kind of... comeuppance for your hubris, Eddie.
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His throat is tight and for a few moments, after Cisco finishes speaking, he can't talk. Instead, he just leans his head forward and presses it against Cisco's forehead, breathes carefully, a ragged and trembling thing.]
I guess I just... [He holds his breath for a second, because speaking is hard, physically and mentally. It's hard to come out and say the things he has in his mind because they always sound so stupid out loud.] ...I thought that doing what I did would fix it. That it would be a sacrifice that was worth it and realizing what happened afterward, I thought...maybe it wasn't. Because I just hurt more people.
[His hands come up to cup Cisco's face between them, and he swallows hard, past a lump in his throat.] I saved you, though. [It's breathed out, almost a whisper.] And you make me so happy.
[Another shaky exhalation, and he brushes his thumbs against Cisco's cheekbones, hands still on either side of his face.] Why are you so good to me?
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[ Cisco knows how tempting it can be to think that way. That it's possible to balance the equation - portion out the right amount of penance and things will be okay. But it's just an illusion; the randomness of the universe doesn't care about right or wrong. Which doesn't mean people should stop trying to do right, of course. But for different reasons. ]
You did save me.
[ He remembers it all too well - the way he'd flown through the air when Barry broke the time ship, how the Reverse Flash had sworn he was going to kill Barry, then him and Joe, and then Caitlin and Stein and everyone else...
When Eddie asks why Cisco is so good to him, it makes his chest ache a little. Logically, he knows he's asked the same question himself a dozen times at least, knows the exact emotional place it comes from. Which is why he hates with such vehemence the idea that Eddie is asking it, that he feels so unworthy of being treated kindly that it leaves him confused. ]
Gosh, I don't know. Guess I must like you or somethin'.
[ He kisses Eddie, then. Not for too long, and not too insistent. More of a gesture than a kiss. His voice is quieter as he adds, more seriously: ]
Because you're a good person, and you deserve it.
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[It doesn't seem fair. It's hard to wrap his head around the idea that he hadn't done anything wrong, that he couldn't have done anything different, that he hadn't screwed things up somehow. That if he'd just behaved in a different way, done different things, then none of this would have happened. He wouldn't have died, Cisco and Iris and Barry and Joe and everyone else wouldn't have been hurt. Whenever he thinks about Eobard, tries to make it make sense in his head, the only thing that works is that Eddie had done something wrong by wanting a family.]
I guess it's easier to blame myself than accept that.
[His voice is soft, rough, and he falls quiet as Cisco teases him, then leans in to kiss him and afterward says in a voice that's softer and more honest that he thinks Eddie is a good person, and he deserves it. A weak but genuine smile crosses Eddie's face, and he leans in to press a soft kiss against Cisco's lower lip, then sighs softly.]
You're so good, and I just don't know how you put up with my moping sometimes. [A little laugh, equally weak, and he closes his eyes for a moment.] I'll make it up to you. I promise.
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Don't worry about it. Lemme take care of you for once, okay?
[ With that, Cisco gently nudges Eddie back towards the bed, arm looped around his lower back. Part of him wants to tell Eddie that he can just let it out, that he'll feel better if he just cries and gets it out of his system. But he knows better than that by now. It's more difficult for Eddie than it is for him, letting certain kinds of vulnerability show. What he needs is patience, not advice or commentary. ]
I'm glad you talked to Rip. He's gotta know something that'll be helpful.
[ Because he doesn't want Eddie only thinking about the past - not when there's a future ahead of them in which the chances of being able to save him just got a little bit better. ]
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So when Cisco wraps an arm around his back and asks to be allowed to take care of him, walks to the bed with him and sits close, it makes his throat tight all over again. He settles and nods and can't reply because he can't talk past the lump in his throat until Cisco changes the subject.]
So am I. Most of what he said went totally over my head, but I thought you'd probably understand it. And he seemed pretty willing to help. It kind of surprised me, since he seemed kinda harsh at first. I thought he might be mad that I messed up the timeline, but...
[Rip had also said it was beyond his control, that he couldn't help it. Its just hard to accept or believe.]
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If what I've heard from Ray's true, he's personally done a hell of a lot more to mess up the timeline than you. Than either of us.
[ They'd nearly changed the outcome of the Cold War: that's bigger than Eddie erasing one man from existence by killing himself, even with the singularity factored in. But Cisco isn't actually judgmental of the fact that Rip's intervened. Quite the opposite. ]
That's good, though. It means when he says he's willing to help, he means it. He's willing to do the right thing even if it's hard. And saving you's the right thing, so... he'll have our backs, probably. Which is awesome.
[ Cisco turns to plant a kiss on Eddie's temple. There are no guarantees, but Cisco isn't going to let his optimism flag. He'll believe enough for the both of them, work hard enough, and they'll find a way. He knows they will. ]
Well Ray said that instead of just asking, he just grabbed all of them and then showed them what the world would look like if they didn't stop Savage. I don't think tact's really his thing, somehow.
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For now, he tries to go along with what Cisco is doing, distracting and focusing on the positive, listens to him talking about what he knows about Rip, about what that might mean for him and his future. For their future.]
You're right. He seems like that kind of person. I'm not sure I trust him yet, but...it might mean something good.
[Eddie takes another breath, then shifts against the bed, leans over and rests his head against Cisco's shoulder, swallows hard.]
I could use more good. Getting closer to being able to go home. [A shaky exhalation.] What do you think life would be like? Back home?
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Cisco presses his cheek against Eddie's head; he can tell Eddie only feels a fraction better, if that. At least he'd stayed, hadn't left and closed himself off. The rest will come with time, hopefully. Time and patience. ]
Well... let's see. I have thought about it quite a bit. [ Cisco brings a hand up to run fingers through Eddie's hair as he talks, knowing how much that kind of touch helps him when he's low. He keeps his voice slow, speculative, gentle. ]
My idea was, we can tell everyone you're the you from Earth-2. Not like anyone's gonna be going through any breaches to check. Captain Singh and the police department all know about doppelgangers. You'd have to lie a little bit, to a lot of people, but I think that would be the best way. You might be able to get your job back.
And... chances are one way we can make sure we don't ruffle the timeline too much is having you change your name. Can't be Eddie Thawne, ancestor to Eobard Thawne, if make your legal name... Eddie Smith. Or you could go for a pun and have it be Eddie Kreuger. That'd be pretty funny.
[ But Eddie hadn't been only asking about the hows of it. He wanted reassurance. To be able to imagine it as a real possibility. So he switches from how it would be, to how it will be, and focuses on the details. ]
Other than that I think it'll be about the same. Even if you aren't at the CCPD anymore, you can help at S.T.A.R. Labs. We've got the whole Zoom mess to deal with and it's all hands on deck. Jitters has got a new drink on their menu called the Flash, so obviously, you gotta try that. And there's this awesome new Korean place I'm definitely dragging you to. Plus I'm still gonna make you watch Star Trek, even without as much time to kill as we have here.
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But Cisco is here and warm and supportive and gently pushing him to keep him from giving up or closing off and shutting down, and so he lets Cisco do it. Lets him take some of the weight off and talk at him about what it will be like when he goes home, how they can handle it - more reassuring than Cisco might think, actually, because plans and strategies seem so concrete to him - and then how they'll be. The things they'll do together, that Cisco will show him. Exhaling a shaky sigh, he gives Cisco a weak smile.]
They know about the doppelgangers? That's definitely helpful. Eddie Kreuger isn't bad but...I could use my mom's maiden name, maybe. Eddie Bradford? Not bad.
[Another exhalation, and he loops his arm around the small of Cisco's back, closes his eyes while he thinks about that. Being back in Central City, being at the CCPD or in S.T.A.R. Labs, going to Jitters and Korean with Cisco, watching Star Trek and playing video games.]
Mm, I'll have to bring you dinner at the Labs when you forget to come home because you're too busy working on things. Maybe you could teach me how to be your lab assistant.
[Opening his eyes, he glances up at Cisco - from this angle he can just see the angle of his jaw, the shape of his lips and nose - and smiles a bit.]
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[ Cisco scrapes his fingernails lightly against Eddie's scalp, cards fingers through his fine hair - it's gotten long, these last few months. It wouldn't be hard, convincing Singh that this Eddie was a different person. He seems so changed from the Eddie that Cisco had known back in Central City. But perhaps it's not that he's changed so much - just that Cisco sees him far more clearly now than he ever had, then. He'd only glimpsed a small facet of Eddie and assumed it was the whole. Now, he knows different. ]
Mmm, I like the sound of that even better. Eddie Bradford, my own personal hunky errand boy.
[ His tone is only half-joking; it's all too easy to imagine, transplanting themselves from here to Central City. Picking up where they'd left off. All the steps between here and there - the how of it - aren't as important as the fact that they both want it, that it could actually work, the two of them. ]
I could definitely teach you. You'll be more than that, though. You could be a liaison between us and the CCPD, or help set up some kinda outreach program for metas so maybe we can help some of them before they actually become criminals. Or... or lots of stuff.
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[Eddie's eyes flutter half-closed when Cisco scrapes his nails against his scalp, lips parting a little. The touch, the scrape of nails, the way Cisco's fingers smooth through his hair - all of it is incredibly soothing. So he sits still and he tries his best to let all of it soothe him. Cisco's presence and support and the life that he's weaving for them. And by the time Cisco's finished talking about helping at the Labs and liaising between them and the CCPD, it's working.
Enough that he lets out a soft laugh.]
Hunky errand boy, huh? Sounds kinky.
[He takes a deep breath, holds it, and then exhales.]
All of that sounds amazing. And we could share an apartment, maybe, after a while. I could take you to dim sum...I love dim sum. It's so great, I love trying all the things I would never think of eating and seeing what I like. It's a great place to take someone on a date, and I never got to take you.
[His hand moves across his lap, finds Cisco's free hand, and curls into it, twining his fingers through his boyfriend's and squeezing lightly.]
Thank you, Cisco.
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[ The fact that Eddie's able to laugh, able to joke about it like that, is a good sign. Even if it's hard for him right now, an effort rather than something that comes naturally. Cisco's not sure it's right, and he's not sure it's the healthiest, but he's found in his own life that there's some merit in faking it until he actually feels it. Didn't always work - and sometimes it became a crutch that helped him avoid problems that needed dealing with. But at other times, it kept him going when little else did. ]
Doesn't have to be after a while, far as I'm concerned.
[ Which... is a pretty big thing to say, actually. But they lead such lives of strange disproportion. Saying you'd be willing to move in with a guy after only dating him a little over a couple months is really not all that drastic, when your life involves death and resurrection and screwed up timelines and erased timelines and monsters and singularities. Hard to worry about going too fast, in a relationship, when everything else is turned up to 11. ]
I am all about the dim sum. That's the first place we should go. I'll get all dressed up any everything.
[ He squeezes Eddie's hand back, then keeps tight hold of it. Cisco doesn't know what to say to his thanks - you're welcome seems wrong, but so does dismissing it. In the end he opts for silence, and another kiss to Eddie's temple, letting the stroking of his thumb against the back of Eddie's hand speak for him.]
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Yeah? I'd like that.
[And he would, he realizes. They don't live together here, but they spend so many nights together that it feels strange when Cisco isn't with him in bed. Cisco's things litter his apartment and he has things at Cisco's place too, their lives have intermingled in a comfortable way even while they do their own thing. It's nice, to think that it would carry on if they went back home, that the relationship wouldn't be demoted to something smaller.
When Cisco says he's all about dim sum, Eddie smiles a little and nods.]
Awesome. [A pause, and an exhalation.] There's a dim sum place here. I go there a lot, but it's really not the same as Mama Chow's. There's something about the cooking there that's just...well. It's home, I guess. I'm used to it. It's my favourite. I can't wait to take you there.