[He only looks at the first message quickly to verify Cisco got it, because he is genuinely freaking out and Because the second part is all in one text, he doesn't read it right away, doesn't assume Cisco thinks they're breaking up. He's trying to wade through all the rough emotions welling up over Iris' appearance and how to handle it, how to explain to her.
So his reply doesn't come for nearly an hour, and when it does, he feels awful.]
Cisco, I'm not breaking up with you and going back to Iris.
When this whole thing started, we talked about this exact thing when you told me about Kendra and you told me you couldn't handle being a backup or replacement. I already made this decision three months ago. I would never have asked you out if I thought I'd dump you to get back with Iris.
I just haven't even figured out how to come out to her yet.
eddie even if you feel that way now you shoudln't make any decisions before you really think about it. i dno't want you to give up on getting a second channce with her just because you don't want to change you mind over something you said months ago. you should spend a couple days with her first because you haven't seen her for months and you probbly don't remember what it's like being around her and how great she is. i don't want you to pick me because you think you have to and then end up regretting it. i know what i said back then but i was being selfish. i promise i'l be okay.
look we don't have to talk about this right now you've got enough on your plate to deal with you should focus on that stuff i just wanted to make sure we were on the same page..
[Now his heart is beating too hard and his throat feels tight, because this is wrong and Cisco's typing is awful, he can tell how upset he is even if he's trying to play it cool. It hurts. It hurts a lot.]
You're right. It has been months. And I do love her, she was my fiancee and we were going to spend forever together. But that's not how it happened. She loves me, but she's in love with Barry. I doubt that's changed. And I haven't ever wanted to be with someone who doesn't love me the way I love them. I love her but I'm not in love with her either. I fell out of love with her.
We're not on the same page
I don't want to be away from you for a few days. I'm tired and scared and sad and guilty and I want YOU. I want your support and I want you to hold me and I want you to talk this stuff out with. Please don't push me away.
[And there's no doubt in his mind - the fact that he can so easily tell Cisco how awful he feels without feeling ashamed is proof that this is the right choice.]
i'm not pushing you away. i'm just giving you permission to choose the better option.
[ But Cisco's resolve is crumbling fast. He can't just sit here and read I want you to hold me and pretend that's not what he wants more than anything, too. It would be better if he could. Nobler. But it wouldn't be the truth. ]
you know you'll always have my support no matter what.
Why are you saying that? You are the better choice, for me.
And I know. Because you're a good person, you would be there for me no matter what. But I want things to stay the way they have been for the past few months. What we have is worth keeping.
[ Maybe Eddie thinks that now. But once he's had a chance to get past the apologies and the sadness and the awkwardness with Iris... well. Time will tell. ]
i was gonna. unless you don't want me to.
you said you wanted talk stuff out. and... if you're sad and scared i want to help.
[There's no denying that he still has feelings for Iris. He loves her. But after months of being with someone who's devoted to him, who only wants him, who treats him the way Cisco does...it's worth keeping. Especially when he and Iris have both moved on.
It's an incredible relief when Cisco says he'll come over.]
[ It takes Cisco a couple minutes to arrive. He has to clean himself up a bit, first. But there's only so much that washing his face can do, and when he lets himself in, he's noticeably red around the eyes from crying. When Eddie hadn't texted him back, well... what was he supposed to assume?
But that doesn't matter, now. He's here to make sure Eddie's okay, help him deal with Iris showing up, and all the thoughts of his death that must be surfacing.
He'd wanted to bring something to comfort Eddie. His first thought was hot chocolate, but then he'd started to overthink. What if it seemed like a ploy, to remind Eddie of that first time he'd made him hot chocolate? What if it came off as manipulative, was manipulative. So instead, he just brings coffee. It's early enough in the day for it and he knows how Eddie likes his. ]
[Eddie's still texting Iris, trying to sort out the complicated mess of feelings that's going on between having her here and trying to reconnect with her all tangled up with his fear and uncertainty over his relationship with Cisco. In his mind, though, as much as he can't deny that he does still have feelings for her - that he'd almost typed 'babe' a couple times while talking to her, that he still thinks she's beautiful and kind and amazing - what he wants is what he has with Cisco. It's new, and not established, hasn't progressed far enough for them to say they love each other, but the support and care he gets from Cisco, what he feels like he can give back and how rewarding it is to gain Cisco's trust and work at making him believe in his own worth...it's something he wants desperately to keep. More than any lingering desire to be with Iris.
Cisco lets himself in and Eddie immediately notices how red his eyes are, bright despite the fact he's not noticeably crying right now. Eddie's heart leaps into his throat because he knows Cisco, knows that the tears were his fault, and he goes toward him right away, takes the cups out of his hands and puts them on the table. Without thinking, without hesitation, he's gathering him into his arms, burying a hand into his hair.]
Are you okay? I'm so sorry.
[Head ducking, he presses his face into Cisco's hair.]
[ There's a reason Cisco tried to give Eddie his out via text rather than in person. Easier to type I promise I'll be okay than to actually hide how much his heart is breaking at the thought of losing Eddie. He's not a good enough liar for that - not if someone's actually paying attention.
When Eddie draws him into an immediate hug, Cisco has to swallow against a tightening in his throat, eyes feeling hot all over again. He buries his face against Eddie's chest, wraps his arms tightly around him. When Eddie says he's sorry, Cisco rubs a hand up and down his back, soothing. Eddie had said he was tired and scared and sad and guilty; Cisco doesn't want that. ]
Nothing to be sorry for.
[ But most of that probably isn't about him, of course. Why would it be? Cisco speaks, voice muffled somewhat: ]
What about you? You said you're texting her, right? How's she taking it? Tell me how I can help. I- you said you were tired so I brought coffee. What else?
[It's a relief, when Cisco leans against him, buries his face into his chest, and wraps his arms around him, hugging him tight. Eddie's fingers bury into Cisco's hair and he strokes at it while Cisco rubs at his back and it feels good, and comfortable, and right.]
I should've texted you sooner. I just didn't realize your text was so much, I thought you were probably saying you'd come over later or something. I didn't...it didn't even occur to me that you'd think I'd break up with you. I'm sorry I put you through that.
[Fingers closing into a gentle fist, he tugs lightly at Cisco's hair, presses his mouth against the crown of Cisco's head, and exhales warmly, eyes sinking shut.]
She wouldn't believe it was me at first. I had to send her a selfie. I apologized for leaving her and putting her through what I did, and she said I'm a... [His voice cracks slightly, but he swallows hard and catches himself.] She said I'm a good man, and that I did what I had to, and she's not angry at me.
You are a good man. Hey. [ Because he can hear the way Eddie is reigning himself in, bottling it all up, and he knows that sometimes (most times) he needs a reminder that he doesn't have to. Not around Cisco. This is what he'd asked for, why he'd wanted Cisco here so urgently. Cisco pulls back enough to reach up and set a hand against Eddie's cheek, looking up at him with warmth and conviction in his red-rimmed eyes. ] You are.
[ When he says Iris is going to punch him, Cisco smiles, small and rueful. He's seen her handiwork of that kind with Barry, any time he tries a particularly risky stunt. She has that in common with Felicity. ]
Well... as long as she only punches you a little bit. Any more and I'm gonna have some objections.
[ Cisco runs his thumb against Eddie's cheekbone, voice lower as he adds: ]
[Eddie's eyes flick up to Cisco's face when he says that he's a good man, and he exhales a little shakily as Cisco's hand comes up to cup the side of his face, his thumb against his cheekbone, looking at him like he really believes he's a good man.
Leaning in, Eddie presses his forehead against Cisco's, his hands come up to cradle against the sides and back of Cisco's head, fingers digging through his hair. He feels a little safer, now, and he squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, lets out a shaky laugh when Cisco says she can only punch him a little.]
I deserve more than a little punch. I hurt her really badly.
[He licks his lips, eyes still half-shut as he tries to regain his composure and then Cisco asks him if it's a no on him being okay. For a moment, he's still, his throat tight, and then he speaks quietly.]
I'm not okay. [It's soft, a little ragged, but then he continues.] I'm more okay than before you got here. I need you.
You also saved her life. [ Cisco lets out a breath that's a bit shaky, too, but this is stable ground, for him. Far more stable than comparing himself to Iris, thinking of how little he deserves Eddie, compared to her. How selfish he is to even consider getting in between them. This, though, he can handle. ] And mine. And now it's my job - our job - to find a way to save you, back.
[ When Eddie admits to being not okay, Cisco nods, just a little, forehead pressed against Eddie's. ] I'm here. What d'you need me to do?
[ It's possible there's not anything in particular, but he wants to offer, because he knows that asking for things can be hard for Eddie. He's too comfortable with caring for others and untrained in caring for himself. ]
D'you wanna sit down? Have some of your coffee, maybe? Skip it and go for a drink? We could have a bath? Or if you're feeling cooped up we could go for a walk?
[ He knows that one of the things that happens to Eddie when he's upset is that his imagination, his ability to think of different options, becomes limited. Cisco doesn't want to offer too many options and get him flustered, so he keeps the list limited to just a half dozen. ]
[Eddie doesn't miss the way Cisco is speaking, including Iris into what he's saying about things that have always been about them, and there's a momentary surge of frustration. Of irritation that Cisco won't believe him, won't trust his loyalty. Part of him wants to shake Cisco, snap him out of it, make him realize that it isn't a matter of being better or who deserves what - that it's about what Eddie wants for himself.
Instead, he just squeezes his fingers into Cisco's hair and then leans in, after Cisco gives him so many options his head spins, and kisses him. Parting his lips, he gently holds Cisco's head in place, tilts his head, and kisses him as deep and intent as he can get away with, tries to pour all his emotions into it, express his want. To assert how much he wants this.
After a few moments, he pulls back, breathing a little heavily.]
Let's have a bath, together? You can tell me how she is at home, what's going on with her so I can figure out how to talk to her about this.
[ The kiss catches Cisco off-guard; he doesn't respond for a second or two, except to draw in a rather shaky breath. But then he is kissing back for all he's worth, matching Eddie's intensity with his own. It does far more good than the texts, than the spoken reassurances. In Cisco's experience, it's far harder to lie with a kiss than with words. Besides, he reminds himself. Eddie's not a liar. He's not a puzzle that Cisco has to fret over and pick apart; he says what he means, so if he says he chooses Cisco... ]
Okay. Right. Bath.
[ Cisco doesn't want to let go of Eddie, so he clings to his side as they make their way to the bathroom. Which, perhaps he ought to be embarrassed by that, but he isn't. Not after he'd spent half an hour crying his eyes out and thinking it was going to be like Kendra all over again, but much, much worse this time. Maybe it had been foolish, to jump to conclusions. Eddie had told him all those months ago he wasn't thinking of Cisco as just a placeholder. Cisco had believed him. And they'd been through a lot together since then.
But all that had gone out the window the second Eddie said not to tell Iris about them. ]
She's further in the timeline than me. By about a month, I think. So... keep that in mind.
[At first, Cisco doesn't respond to the kiss, and Eddie's gut goes tight and cold, feels like it's dropping out of him. But then, suddenly, Cisco relaxes, becomes warm and responds with an intensity that makes the tightness in his chest loosen, and he drags that kiss out as long as he can.
When he pulls away from it and Cisco clings against his side, it feels better. He feels safer. Picks up the cups of coffee because he wants the bath and the coffee Cisco brought him both, and starts the hot water. While the tub fills, he turns to Cisco and starts pulling his boyfriend's shirt up, bundling it in his hands, wanting the intimacy of doing it.]
Okay. She just...seems so different. Its been a year, though, for her? Do you know if...if she's moved on and everything?
[He remembers Barry saying they hadn't hooked up, and Eddie's afraid he's moved on in a few months and she's held on, still wants him. The difference in their circumstances changes everything, of course, he rationalizes it to himself - he'd been more ready to give up on the relationship, his death had been on his terms and not hers, he'd been working on letting go of his life at home, while she had been clinging to their relationship more strongly, had lost him in a tragic way that likely erased his flaws from her mind a little.
But there's still the guilt about it. About getting over her faster than she got over him, if that's the case. He's almost afraid to hear Cisco's answer.]
I guess she is kinda different. She's been helping us a lot. With the breachers, and Zoom. Plus, there was all the stuff with finding out Joe lied about her mom being dead, and then her mom actually dying, and taking care of Wally cause he went kinda off the rails a little after his mom died and Iris had to kind of step up and be a big sister to him.
[ He talks as Eddie pulls his shirt off, loud enough to be heard over the water. Some of this he'd heard from Iris, some from Joe, some from Barry. The changes had happened gradually enough that Cisco didn't see them necessarily, but when he thinks back to the way Iris had been around the time she first learned Barry's secret, or back when she'd been running her anonymous blog, he realizes she's quite a bit different. They all are.
And he lists these other things because Eddie wanted Cisco to catch him up, and also so he'll realize that it isn't all down to losing him. Some of it, yes. But not all of it. ]
I might have overheard something about her going on a date with the editor of her paper. That was like, a couple days before I came back here. I don't think she went out with anyone before that, but it's possible she did and I just didn't hear about it.
[ Cisco doesn't know if it would be better or worse for Eddie, hearing that Iris had taken almost a year to go on another date. On the one hand, it might make him feel guilty for the grief he'd caused her. On the other hand, if she'd moved on too quickly, that would probably make him feel insignificant, unimportant. Hopefully it's not a lose-lose situation.
He kicks off his shoes and socks, strips down the rest of the way and tests the temperature of the water, but he keeps his eyes on Eddie, cautious, concerned. ]
[Eddie listens while Cisco tells him about Iris and the things that she's been through and done after he'd died. And he can't help the way his eyes sting, going a little red as he processes the fact he wasn't there to help her, how proud of her he is, that she'd stepped up like that for her family, that she did as well on Team Flash as he'd expected she would. And he feels guilty, he feels a sharp pang of regret and grief at the loss of that.]
I always knew she'd be great on the team, that she'd be a big help.
[He gets Cisco's shirt off him and strips himself as Cisco gets the rest of his clothes off, and for a moment he goes still. Looks at Cisco - really looks at him. Cisco is hurting and afraid, he's uncertain and insecure and he's here, with Eddie, taking care of him and focusing on Eddie, offering his support. And that...that's important. It has incredible value, and his eyes go wet, he lifts a hand to rub at them while Cisco explains that she'd gone on a date with her editor.
Abruptly, he laughs softly.]
Good. I'm so glad she's moving on. That's all I've ever wanted for her. I want her happy.
[He steps into the bath and settles, parts his legs so Cisco can sit between them, looking up at him. And his eyes might be red and wet but there's a bit of hope there.]
[ Cisco settles into the bath with him, leaning back against Eddie's chest. It's comfortable, and familiar, which helps Cisco to move past the self-consciousness that he's feeling. He sighs, takes a deep breath of the steamy air, adjusts his position so that he can see at least a bit of Eddie's face.
He and Eddie hadn't talked about Iris, too much, before this. More than anyone else, she reminds Eddie of what he'd lost. More than anyone else, for better or worse, she is the focus of his feelings of guilt, and regret, and insecurity. Cisco understands a little bit now that that was true even before he died. He knows that Eddie hadn't just killed himself to save the rest of them, even if that was the main reason. Part of him had felt irrelevant, like he didn't deserve her, because of what Eobard had said to him while he was down in the pipeline.
Cisco takes Eddie's hand and threads their fingers together, settling Eddie's palm over his heart. He remembers the first time they'd done this, after Snart had concussed Eddie and locked him up, and they hadn't found him for hours. Iris probably would've found him sooner his brain suggests, unhelpfully. ]
But she- now that you're both here, she might not want to move on.
[ He's sure the possibility has occurred to both of them. Which would put Eddie in a very unenviable position. Cisco swallows and says in a rush: ]
If you think she's gonna be angry or upset and you want me to tell her, I can do that. I'd rather she get get mad at me than at you.
[ Cisco had been the one to steal Eddie away, as it were. It shouldn't be Eddie's responsibility to tell her that, in addition to the guilt he's still feeling over how he'd died. But even Cisco being the one to do it seems wrong. It's all wrong. Being with Eddie feels right - more right than anything else in his life for a long time - but that's just selfishness. ]
Are you sure?
[ The question comes out soft, hoarse, and Cisco isn't looking at Eddie anymore, but down at his knees standing out over the water. Things have changed since that conversation of theirs. Eddie had assumed there was no way out of this place, for him. He'd been in a bad place about his death still - moreso, Cisco thinks, than he is now. There had been a lot of factors that made him dismiss the thought of getting back together with Iris which no longer apply, now. ]
[More than almost ever before, Iris seems like something nice that Eddie had for a while but no longer has, and possibly never had. Perhaps one of the most painful realizations in Eddie's life had been the moment he understood and accepted that the way Iris looked at Barry was different than the way she'd looked at him, and that the way she looked at Barry was how Eddie wanted to be looked at. Eobard's words in the pipeline had only been confirmation of something he already knew, and now, months removed, having someone who looks at him exactly the way he wants to be looked at, he understands that getting back together with her had been one last desperate attempt, and that it ultimately would have failed too.
It still hurts. Part of him still wants that back, desperately. Wants to be with her. Misses what they had and how things had been, how happy they'd been together, before Barry came back into the picture, when he'd thought he had her all to himself.
But the truth is, that had never been true. And Cisco is here, and warm against him, threading his fingers through Eddie's and pressing his hand over his heart. Cisco, who he knows well enough to know that placing Eddie's hand over his heart is an expression of profound trust, who's trying to help him feel better, trying to talk him through this while feeling uncertain about whether this will even continue to be a relationship. Cisco, who sits with him and tilts his head so he can look up at him with warm dark eyes, offers to take Iris' anger if it comes to that.
When Cisco asks if he's sure, Eddie remembers all the times they've told each other that they need to communicate the things that are going on under the surface, because both of them have a hard time articulating themselves. Have a hard time saying out loud when they value things, because they're both too aware that those things can go away so quickly. So he squeezes gently at Cisco's hand, and he tries to say the things he's thinking. It isn't as eloquent as he usually is, because the only way he could be eloquent about this is to think on it for days, and he doesn't want to make Cisco wait that long to hear it.]
Maybe she doesn't. I don't know. She hasn't really given me any indication. All I know is that she missed me and I missed her and we want to talk to each other, that we're very important to each other. We probably always will be.
[He takes a deep breath, leans in and buries his face against Cisco's hair, eyes closed.]
But you keep talking about what she wants, and I think you sort of...decided for me, what I want. Or what you think I deserve. But you haven't really asked me what I want, and you're forgetting that what you want factors into this whole thing too. The thing is, it's not just her choice. Even if she doesn't want to move on, I already have. I miss her. I miss what we had. But even before I died, I knew that what she and I had was doomed, not because of my death but because of Barry. I don't want to be in a relationship like that.
[Leaning forward, his voice is a little ragged when he continues.]
I love the way you look at me, like you really see me. I love how you touch me, and how you take care of me, and really listen to what I'm saying. I love that you helped me with the dishes on our first date, and that you push me to say how I'm really feeling and don't just expect me to be the solid one. I love that you let me be myself, but make me try new things and push me out of my comfort zone. I love that you trust me and that I can trust you and I love how smart you are and how enthusiastic you get and how you look when you're sleeping and...and that I can help you, that you can come to me when you're upset and...I love this.
And I know it's new and I know you're feeling insecure and I get why, but please stop. Stop putting yourself down, like you're not worth choosing, stop acting like I've only been with you because Iris isn't here, because it's not true. You are so, so important to me. I'm sure. Breaking up with you never even crossed my mind.
[He swallows hard, squeezes around Cisco's shoulders.]
And I'll tell her. We're having breakfast together tomorrow. I'll talk to her then.
[ Cisco doesn't know what to say to all that, but it doesn't really matter one way or another. Even if he did have a response in mind, he doesn't think he could make himself speak. A nod is all he can manage, for the time being. He feels like there's something sharp stuck in his throat, swallows around it and brings his free hand up to his eyes to swipe impatiently at the dampness there.
It's stupid, really. He's happy that Eddie wants to stay with him. Overjoyed, in fact. Listening to that list of things Eddie loves about their relationship ought to have him grinning like the girl at the end of the rom com. It doesn't seem fair that being happy should hurt this much, but every time Eddie says the word love it is a knife on a nerve ending. Eventually, when he can, Cisco says, simply: ]
Okay. I believe you.
[ And this time, finally, he really means it. Cisco sucks in a deep breath, tries to reach for scattered pieces of his composure. ]
Probably a good thing, not to put it off. She'd probably figure it out on her own fast enough. Caitlin realized even before I told her.
[It's one of the many things that Eddie has learned about Cisco, this tendency to be quiet and withdrawn whenever Eddie talks about how much he values him. Cisco has a hard time with it, he knows - Cisco isn't used to being considered something valuable, he soaks up praise like a sponge without ever truly believing or accepting it, and when it's more than just praise he has a hard time even responding.
As attuned as he is to Cisco's body language right now, he feels him lift his hand to wipe at his eyes, and immediately he's pulling him in closer, lifting his feet to close his legs around Cisco a little more. Cisco's body feels small against his, right now, and the arm that's not attached to the hand holding Cisco's closes around his narrow shoulders, pulling him close.]
Thank you. For believing me. And yeah, yeah it is. She's smart, and even if she wouldn't have, she deserves to know. To not be lied to anymore. Besides, I don't want to hide our relationship. I'm proud of it.
[He presses a soft kiss against the top of Cisco's head.]
Caitlin knows? [A beat, and then.] I don't know exactly what I'm going to say. It depends on how things go. What she says, how she reacts to me. I need to know if she's moving on or if she even wants something with me. I don't want to hurt her, but she deserves to know.
[ It does Cisco some good, hearing Eddie say he's proud of their relationship. He get it now, that he was wrong, but when that first text had come in, sounding so nervous and upset, he'd thought maybe Eddie was ashamed. It wouldn't have been the first time someone acted fond of him in private but then embarrassed of him in front of others. But it hadn't been like that. Eddie had been feeling shame over his death, had been feeling out of control of the situation, and that had spilled over where it didn't belong.
So when Eddie kisses the top of his head, Cisco brings Eddie's hand up and kisses the center of his palm, before settling it over his heart once more. ]
Yeah. Did I forget to tell you? She figured it out that first morning before I even said a word. Guess we were pretty obvious. So I told her the whole story.
[ It makes sense that planning ahead doesn't do much good when he doesn't even know where Iris' head is at. Cisco wishes he could offer more insight, but a part of him is also relieved that he can't. Even now that he believes Eddie genuinely wants to stay with him, it's probably best if he doesn't get too involved. ]
Could you do me a favor and come see me afterwards? No matter it goes?
[ That's going to be a hard breakfast, Cisco suspects. One way or another. ]
[Being ashamed of the relationship had never crossed Eddie's mind. It was just a matter of wanting Iris to find out in the kindest way possible, from Eddie himself, rather than accidentally in an off-hand comment. It's a complicated situation, and his guilt is still making it hard to think straight, and he'd phrased it so poorly.
When Cisco lifts his hand and presses a kiss against his palm before resting it back over his heart, where Eddie can feel the reassuring, steady pulse under Cisco's ribcage, he sighs softly. Keeps his face buried against Cisco's hair and presses another kiss there. It's finally starting to feel a little normal again, though he wouldn't be surprised if Cisco stays insecure for a while, if he worries every time Eddie and Iris hang out. He makes a mental note to go out of his way to reassure him without needing to be asked, to make his feelings clear.]
Yeah. I didn't realize how many of your things were around in my apartment until I brought her there, and I guess it didn't help how much I talked about you. [A beat, and then carefully.] So you came out to her, and everything was okay. I knew it. What did she say?
[Another little squeeze around Cisco's shoulders, and then when he asks if Eddie will come over and see him after breakfast, he nods.]
Of course. I'm...probably gonna need to see you anyway. I don't know if I'm gonna be able to get through it without tears, for either of us.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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So his reply doesn't come for nearly an hour, and when it does, he feels awful.]
Cisco, I'm not breaking up with you and going back to Iris.
When this whole thing started, we talked about this exact thing when you told me about Kendra and you told me you couldn't handle being a backup or replacement. I already made this decision three months ago. I would never have asked you out if I thought I'd dump you to get back with Iris.
I just haven't even figured out how to come out to her yet.
[A few moments later, and a second text.]
I mean it. I chose you.
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eddie even if you feel that way now you shoudln't make any decisions before you really think about it. i dno't want you to give up on getting a second channce with her just because you don't want to change you mind over something you said months ago. you should spend a couple days with her first because you haven't seen her for months and you probbly don't remember what it's like being around her and how great she is. i don't want you to pick me because you think you have to and then end up regretting it. i know what i said back then but i was being selfish. i promise i'l be okay.
look we don't have to talk about this right now you've got enough on your plate to deal with you should focus on that stuff i just wanted to make sure we were on the same page..
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You're right. It has been months. And I do love her, she was my fiancee and we were going to spend forever together. But that's not how it happened. She loves me, but she's in love with Barry. I doubt that's changed. And I haven't ever wanted to be with someone who doesn't love me the way I love them. I love her but I'm not in love with her either. I fell out of love with her.
We're not on the same page
I don't want to be away from you for a few days. I'm tired and scared and sad and guilty and I want YOU. I want your support and I want you to hold me and I want you to talk this stuff out with. Please don't push me away.
[And there's no doubt in his mind - the fact that he can so easily tell Cisco how awful he feels without feeling ashamed is proof that this is the right choice.]
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[ But Cisco's resolve is crumbling fast. He can't just sit here and read I want you to hold me and pretend that's not what he wants more than anything, too. It would be better if he could. Nobler. But it wouldn't be the truth. ]
you know you'll always have my support no matter what.
where are you?
no subject
You are the better choice, for me.
And I know. Because you're a good person, you would be there for me no matter what. But I want things to stay the way they have been for the past few months. What we have is worth keeping.
I'm at home. Are you coming over?
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i was gonna. unless you don't want me to.
you said you wanted talk stuff out. and... if you're sad and scared i want to help.
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It's an incredible relief when Cisco says he'll come over.]
Of course I want you to. Now?
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[ It takes Cisco a couple minutes to arrive. He has to clean himself up a bit, first. But there's only so much that washing his face can do, and when he lets himself in, he's noticeably red around the eyes from crying. When Eddie hadn't texted him back, well... what was he supposed to assume?
But that doesn't matter, now. He's here to make sure Eddie's okay, help him deal with Iris showing up, and all the thoughts of his death that must be surfacing.
He'd wanted to bring something to comfort Eddie. His first thought was hot chocolate, but then he'd started to overthink. What if it seemed like a ploy, to remind Eddie of that first time he'd made him hot chocolate? What if it came off as manipulative, was manipulative. So instead, he just brings coffee. It's early enough in the day for it and he knows how Eddie likes his. ]
Hey.
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Cisco lets himself in and Eddie immediately notices how red his eyes are, bright despite the fact he's not noticeably crying right now. Eddie's heart leaps into his throat because he knows Cisco, knows that the tears were his fault, and he goes toward him right away, takes the cups out of his hands and puts them on the table. Without thinking, without hesitation, he's gathering him into his arms, burying a hand into his hair.]
Are you okay? I'm so sorry.
[Head ducking, he presses his face into Cisco's hair.]
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When Eddie draws him into an immediate hug, Cisco has to swallow against a tightening in his throat, eyes feeling hot all over again. He buries his face against Eddie's chest, wraps his arms tightly around him. When Eddie says he's sorry, Cisco rubs a hand up and down his back, soothing. Eddie had said he was tired and scared and sad and guilty; Cisco doesn't want that. ]
Nothing to be sorry for.
[ But most of that probably isn't about him, of course. Why would it be? Cisco speaks, voice muffled somewhat: ]
What about you? You said you're texting her, right? How's she taking it? Tell me how I can help. I- you said you were tired so I brought coffee. What else?
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I should've texted you sooner. I just didn't realize your text was so much, I thought you were probably saying you'd come over later or something. I didn't...it didn't even occur to me that you'd think I'd break up with you. I'm sorry I put you through that.
[Fingers closing into a gentle fist, he tugs lightly at Cisco's hair, presses his mouth against the crown of Cisco's head, and exhales warmly, eyes sinking shut.]
She wouldn't believe it was me at first. I had to send her a selfie. I apologized for leaving her and putting her through what I did, and she said I'm a... [His voice cracks slightly, but he swallows hard and catches himself.] She said I'm a good man, and that I did what I had to, and she's not angry at me.
[A pause, and another exhalation.]
She's probably going to punch me later.
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[ When he says Iris is going to punch him, Cisco smiles, small and rueful. He's seen her handiwork of that kind with Barry, any time he tries a particularly risky stunt. She has that in common with Felicity. ]
Well... as long as she only punches you a little bit. Any more and I'm gonna have some objections.
[ Cisco runs his thumb against Eddie's cheekbone, voice lower as he adds: ]
So I'm guessing that's a no on you being okay?
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Leaning in, Eddie presses his forehead against Cisco's, his hands come up to cradle against the sides and back of Cisco's head, fingers digging through his hair. He feels a little safer, now, and he squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, lets out a shaky laugh when Cisco says she can only punch him a little.]
I deserve more than a little punch. I hurt her really badly.
[He licks his lips, eyes still half-shut as he tries to regain his composure and then Cisco asks him if it's a no on him being okay. For a moment, he's still, his throat tight, and then he speaks quietly.]
I'm not okay. [It's soft, a little ragged, but then he continues.] I'm more okay than before you got here. I need you.
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[ When Eddie admits to being not okay, Cisco nods, just a little, forehead pressed against Eddie's. ] I'm here. What d'you need me to do?
[ It's possible there's not anything in particular, but he wants to offer, because he knows that asking for things can be hard for Eddie. He's too comfortable with caring for others and untrained in caring for himself. ]
D'you wanna sit down? Have some of your coffee, maybe? Skip it and go for a drink? We could have a bath? Or if you're feeling cooped up we could go for a walk?
[ He knows that one of the things that happens to Eddie when he's upset is that his imagination, his ability to think of different options, becomes limited. Cisco doesn't want to offer too many options and get him flustered, so he keeps the list limited to just a half dozen. ]
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Instead, he just squeezes his fingers into Cisco's hair and then leans in, after Cisco gives him so many options his head spins, and kisses him. Parting his lips, he gently holds Cisco's head in place, tilts his head, and kisses him as deep and intent as he can get away with, tries to pour all his emotions into it, express his want. To assert how much he wants this.
After a few moments, he pulls back, breathing a little heavily.]
Let's have a bath, together? You can tell me how she is at home, what's going on with her so I can figure out how to talk to her about this.
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Okay. Right. Bath.
[ Cisco doesn't want to let go of Eddie, so he clings to his side as they make their way to the bathroom. Which, perhaps he ought to be embarrassed by that, but he isn't. Not after he'd spent half an hour crying his eyes out and thinking it was going to be like Kendra all over again, but much, much worse this time. Maybe it had been foolish, to jump to conclusions. Eddie had told him all those months ago he wasn't thinking of Cisco as just a placeholder. Cisco had believed him. And they'd been through a lot together since then.
But all that had gone out the window the second Eddie said not to tell Iris about them. ]
She's further in the timeline than me. By about a month, I think. So... keep that in mind.
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When he pulls away from it and Cisco clings against his side, it feels better. He feels safer. Picks up the cups of coffee because he wants the bath and the coffee Cisco brought him both, and starts the hot water. While the tub fills, he turns to Cisco and starts pulling his boyfriend's shirt up, bundling it in his hands, wanting the intimacy of doing it.]
Okay. She just...seems so different. Its been a year, though, for her? Do you know if...if she's moved on and everything?
[He remembers Barry saying they hadn't hooked up, and Eddie's afraid he's moved on in a few months and she's held on, still wants him. The difference in their circumstances changes everything, of course, he rationalizes it to himself - he'd been more ready to give up on the relationship, his death had been on his terms and not hers, he'd been working on letting go of his life at home, while she had been clinging to their relationship more strongly, had lost him in a tragic way that likely erased his flaws from her mind a little.
But there's still the guilt about it. About getting over her faster than she got over him, if that's the case. He's almost afraid to hear Cisco's answer.]
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[ He talks as Eddie pulls his shirt off, loud enough to be heard over the water. Some of this he'd heard from Iris, some from Joe, some from Barry. The changes had happened gradually enough that Cisco didn't see them necessarily, but when he thinks back to the way Iris had been around the time she first learned Barry's secret, or back when she'd been running her anonymous blog, he realizes she's quite a bit different. They all are.
And he lists these other things because Eddie wanted Cisco to catch him up, and also so he'll realize that it isn't all down to losing him. Some of it, yes. But not all of it. ]
I might have overheard something about her going on a date with the editor of her paper. That was like, a couple days before I came back here. I don't think she went out with anyone before that, but it's possible she did and I just didn't hear about it.
[ Cisco doesn't know if it would be better or worse for Eddie, hearing that Iris had taken almost a year to go on another date. On the one hand, it might make him feel guilty for the grief he'd caused her. On the other hand, if she'd moved on too quickly, that would probably make him feel insignificant, unimportant. Hopefully it's not a lose-lose situation.
He kicks off his shoes and socks, strips down the rest of the way and tests the temperature of the water, but he keeps his eyes on Eddie, cautious, concerned. ]
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I always knew she'd be great on the team, that she'd be a big help.
[He gets Cisco's shirt off him and strips himself as Cisco gets the rest of his clothes off, and for a moment he goes still. Looks at Cisco - really looks at him. Cisco is hurting and afraid, he's uncertain and insecure and he's here, with Eddie, taking care of him and focusing on Eddie, offering his support. And that...that's important. It has incredible value, and his eyes go wet, he lifts a hand to rub at them while Cisco explains that she'd gone on a date with her editor.
Abruptly, he laughs softly.]
Good. I'm so glad she's moving on. That's all I've ever wanted for her. I want her happy.
[He steps into the bath and settles, parts his legs so Cisco can sit between them, looking up at him. And his eyes might be red and wet but there's a bit of hope there.]
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He and Eddie hadn't talked about Iris, too much, before this. More than anyone else, she reminds Eddie of what he'd lost. More than anyone else, for better or worse, she is the focus of his feelings of guilt, and regret, and insecurity. Cisco understands a little bit now that that was true even before he died. He knows that Eddie hadn't just killed himself to save the rest of them, even if that was the main reason. Part of him had felt irrelevant, like he didn't deserve her, because of what Eobard had said to him while he was down in the pipeline.
Cisco takes Eddie's hand and threads their fingers together, settling Eddie's palm over his heart. He remembers the first time they'd done this, after Snart had concussed Eddie and locked him up, and they hadn't found him for hours. Iris probably would've found him sooner his brain suggests, unhelpfully. ]
But she- now that you're both here, she might not want to move on.
[ He's sure the possibility has occurred to both of them. Which would put Eddie in a very unenviable position. Cisco swallows and says in a rush: ]
If you think she's gonna be angry or upset and you want me to tell her, I can do that. I'd rather she get get mad at me than at you.
[ Cisco had been the one to steal Eddie away, as it were. It shouldn't be Eddie's responsibility to tell her that, in addition to the guilt he's still feeling over how he'd died. But even Cisco being the one to do it seems wrong. It's all wrong. Being with Eddie feels right - more right than anything else in his life for a long time - but that's just selfishness. ]
Are you sure?
[ The question comes out soft, hoarse, and Cisco isn't looking at Eddie anymore, but down at his knees standing out over the water. Things have changed since that conversation of theirs. Eddie had assumed there was no way out of this place, for him. He'd been in a bad place about his death still - moreso, Cisco thinks, than he is now. There had been a lot of factors that made him dismiss the thought of getting back together with Iris which no longer apply, now. ]
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It still hurts. Part of him still wants that back, desperately. Wants to be with her. Misses what they had and how things had been, how happy they'd been together, before Barry came back into the picture, when he'd thought he had her all to himself.
But the truth is, that had never been true. And Cisco is here, and warm against him, threading his fingers through Eddie's and pressing his hand over his heart. Cisco, who he knows well enough to know that placing Eddie's hand over his heart is an expression of profound trust, who's trying to help him feel better, trying to talk him through this while feeling uncertain about whether this will even continue to be a relationship. Cisco, who sits with him and tilts his head so he can look up at him with warm dark eyes, offers to take Iris' anger if it comes to that.
When Cisco asks if he's sure, Eddie remembers all the times they've told each other that they need to communicate the things that are going on under the surface, because both of them have a hard time articulating themselves. Have a hard time saying out loud when they value things, because they're both too aware that those things can go away so quickly. So he squeezes gently at Cisco's hand, and he tries to say the things he's thinking. It isn't as eloquent as he usually is, because the only way he could be eloquent about this is to think on it for days, and he doesn't want to make Cisco wait that long to hear it.]
Maybe she doesn't. I don't know. She hasn't really given me any indication. All I know is that she missed me and I missed her and we want to talk to each other, that we're very important to each other. We probably always will be.
[He takes a deep breath, leans in and buries his face against Cisco's hair, eyes closed.]
But you keep talking about what she wants, and I think you sort of...decided for me, what I want. Or what you think I deserve. But you haven't really asked me what I want, and you're forgetting that what you want factors into this whole thing too. The thing is, it's not just her choice. Even if she doesn't want to move on, I already have. I miss her. I miss what we had. But even before I died, I knew that what she and I had was doomed, not because of my death but because of Barry. I don't want to be in a relationship like that.
[Leaning forward, his voice is a little ragged when he continues.]
I love the way you look at me, like you really see me. I love how you touch me, and how you take care of me, and really listen to what I'm saying. I love that you helped me with the dishes on our first date, and that you push me to say how I'm really feeling and don't just expect me to be the solid one. I love that you let me be myself, but make me try new things and push me out of my comfort zone. I love that you trust me and that I can trust you and I love how smart you are and how enthusiastic you get and how you look when you're sleeping and...and that I can help you, that you can come to me when you're upset and...I love this.
And I know it's new and I know you're feeling insecure and I get why, but please stop. Stop putting yourself down, like you're not worth choosing, stop acting like I've only been with you because Iris isn't here, because it's not true. You are so, so important to me. I'm sure. Breaking up with you never even crossed my mind.
[He swallows hard, squeezes around Cisco's shoulders.]
And I'll tell her. We're having breakfast together tomorrow. I'll talk to her then.
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It's stupid, really. He's happy that Eddie wants to stay with him. Overjoyed, in fact. Listening to that list of things Eddie loves about their relationship ought to have him grinning like the girl at the end of the rom com. It doesn't seem fair that being happy should hurt this much, but every time Eddie says the word love it is a knife on a nerve ending. Eventually, when he can, Cisco says, simply: ]
Okay. I believe you.
[ And this time, finally, he really means it. Cisco sucks in a deep breath, tries to reach for scattered pieces of his composure. ]
Probably a good thing, not to put it off. She'd probably figure it out on her own fast enough. Caitlin realized even before I told her.
[ Cisco tightens his hand on Eddie's. ]
D'you know what you're gonna say?
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As attuned as he is to Cisco's body language right now, he feels him lift his hand to wipe at his eyes, and immediately he's pulling him in closer, lifting his feet to close his legs around Cisco a little more. Cisco's body feels small against his, right now, and the arm that's not attached to the hand holding Cisco's closes around his narrow shoulders, pulling him close.]
Thank you. For believing me. And yeah, yeah it is. She's smart, and even if she wouldn't have, she deserves to know. To not be lied to anymore. Besides, I don't want to hide our relationship. I'm proud of it.
[He presses a soft kiss against the top of Cisco's head.]
Caitlin knows? [A beat, and then.] I don't know exactly what I'm going to say. It depends on how things go. What she says, how she reacts to me. I need to know if she's moving on or if she even wants something with me. I don't want to hurt her, but she deserves to know.
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So when Eddie kisses the top of his head, Cisco brings Eddie's hand up and kisses the center of his palm, before settling it over his heart once more. ]
Yeah. Did I forget to tell you? She figured it out that first morning before I even said a word. Guess we were pretty obvious. So I told her the whole story.
[ It makes sense that planning ahead doesn't do much good when he doesn't even know where Iris' head is at. Cisco wishes he could offer more insight, but a part of him is also relieved that he can't. Even now that he believes Eddie genuinely wants to stay with him, it's probably best if he doesn't get too involved. ]
Could you do me a favor and come see me afterwards? No matter it goes?
[ That's going to be a hard breakfast, Cisco suspects. One way or another. ]
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When Cisco lifts his hand and presses a kiss against his palm before resting it back over his heart, where Eddie can feel the reassuring, steady pulse under Cisco's ribcage, he sighs softly. Keeps his face buried against Cisco's hair and presses another kiss there. It's finally starting to feel a little normal again, though he wouldn't be surprised if Cisco stays insecure for a while, if he worries every time Eddie and Iris hang out. He makes a mental note to go out of his way to reassure him without needing to be asked, to make his feelings clear.]
Yeah. I didn't realize how many of your things were around in my apartment until I brought her there, and I guess it didn't help how much I talked about you. [A beat, and then carefully.] So you came out to her, and everything was okay. I knew it. What did she say?
[Another little squeeze around Cisco's shoulders, and then when he asks if Eddie will come over and see him after breakfast, he nods.]
Of course. I'm...probably gonna need to see you anyway. I don't know if I'm gonna be able to get through it without tears, for either of us.
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