[She doesn't think she's going to like the answer to that question. It's just that ball of lead in her gut feeling. Like how she felt when Pete kept telling her to go back to the car. She knows something's seriously major-bad-wrong, but she doesn't know what and she's going to run full force right to the seriously major-bad-wrong thing until she can see it with her own eyes.]
» I don't really intend to, like, on purpose or anything. » But I know the psychopath type and they don't always give you an option and I'd rather be prepared than not. » I was worried about it amping him up or something if I got a shot in, in a dire-need situation. Since Eddie said something about electricity. And...that's literally all that gun is. » He doesn't really sound like the kind of guy I wanna give a power up bar too, here.
[ Cisco starts with facts and strategies because it's just easier to think about. ]
no, they don't always give you an option it won't give him a power boost, speed powers do generate lightning but he can't plug himself into a socket and get stronger if your tesla shot tachyons that would be a different matter, but electricity won't do that. cold is your best option for fending off a speedster if i'm being honest, but the ultimate best option is to stay the hell away from him. don't talk to him, don't go near him, just... treat him like you would treat a giant snake.
[ Now, for the harder answer. Which Cisco would very much like to weasel out of. ]
what happened is some really bad shit went down. next question? you said you had more than one.
» That's good to know, at least. » tachyons aren't... still just hypothetical in your world. Why am I even surprised. » Cold, 'kay. » I don't plan to, but you know as well as I do, better if we're honest here, how the Clock works and doesn't always like giving us choices in things, too.
[Oh, sorry, bro, did you think you were gonna evade that so easily?]
» You kinda answered it already, because I wanted to know what would be best to defend against him in the worst possible if/when needed scenario available. » P.S. I hope you didn't think "really bad shit" would be covering this portion of the conversation and I'd just take it and drop it. » You don't get to be that cryptic and not tell me why.
[And if she's a little snappy, well, it's because he's put her a little on edge with all the "Do Not Go Near" warnings. The allusions to bad things happening to him and Eddie before Eddie played his Big Dumb Hero move (and God, how fitting and spot-on true to what she knew about Eddie that seemed) didn't exactly help.]
» You and Eddie are some of the only people I have here, Cisco. » If this douchenozzle is gonna seek you out for some reason, I NEED to know. And I need to know why.
there's a lot of shit that's not hypothetical in my world cold is the opposite of speed. still not a good idea to try to mess with him but if push comes to shove, i figure, good for you to know that. in a second-worst-case scenario where you aren't sure he's 100% decided to hurt you, try to appeal to his logic. not to say anything nice about him ever, but he doesn't tend to kill people unless he feels like he has a good reason, especially if he sees them as useful. you're smart so he would probably think of you as a potential resource.
[ Guess who has two thumbs and feels a little nauseous after typing that? This guy. Just as well, because there's no way to get through this conversation without a whole lot of bad feelings getting dredged up. At least, in a way, it's easier over text. There's a distance which helps. ]
i wasn't trying to be cryptic i just wanted to warn you this isn't idly curiosity stuff. ....okay maybe i was trying to be a little cryptic. but i'll tell you.
[ He just... needs a minute to figure out how he's going to word it. ]
[ The second text comes after about three or four minutes of wording and rewording. ]
the really bad shit summary:
he kidnapped eddie and kept him tied up and alone in a basement for almost two weeks without feeding him and saying all this messed up shit to him that really screwed with his head. but he's probably not gonna seek eddie out, because he looks down on him because he's the worst.
before that he used to be like a hero to me, we worked together and we were really close, or i thought so, until i discovered he was secretly a supervillain and he murdered me. because he's the worst.
» I'm beginning to really piece that all together, dude. » Makes sense. I don't particularly want to need to use the info, but I'd rather have it and not need it than need it and not have it. » Oh, so he's a NICE psychopath that only kills when he HAS TO.
[The sarcasm is strong in that last text. He can probably hear it perfectly in her voice, even. She's really, really, really starting to hate this not!Wells guy already. And Cisco hasn't even gotten to the bad part yet.
She waits--impatiently checking her phone to make sure she hasn't missed a ping--as he sorts out the explanation of things. And when she does finally get those pings? Well, she's not sure what she was expecting, but it definitely wasn't any of this.
The part about Eddie is bad enough all on its own. She'd already been told about his sacrifice and to think it wasn't all that long before that, that his too-many-greats grandson or whatthefrackever Eobard even was to him (she doesn't even care, really) had kidnapped him, psychologically tortured him, starved him...she already feels sick.
And if that was bad, the next part was a hundred-fold worse. Because the part she zoned in on in the text Cisco sent about himself was 'and he murdered me'. It all hit her way too close too home. Her parents. Her brother. Jinks. Suddenly, her eyes are too clouded to see the screen and the phone falls from her hands as she reaches up to press the palms of her hands to her eyes.
No.
NO.
NO!
This doesn't get to keep happening. She doesn't get to keep being forced to suffer losses of people she cares about. She doesn't care that it already happened, that all of these things he's telling her are in the past now, that somehow he's okay and that Eddie, God, that Eddie isn't even there back in their world to feel the pain of all of it anymore. That doesn't matter. By all accounts and technicalities, so is Jinks' death, according to H.G.'s own testimonies about the future in her world. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. That doesn't make any of this okay.
So...it's a few minutes before he gets a reply and there may be some typos when he does.]
» I'm sorry.
» I'm so sorry.
» I didn't knnow. I woildn't have pressed, I should have just dropped it, I didn't mean to brfing all of this back up.
» It won't happen again. I swear to God, Cisco, if I have a single ounce of a say in anything, this fucking asshole will never hurrt either one of you again.
» I don't care who he is oor what he is or what powers he has, nothing and no oen is hurting or taking somebody I care about away from me again.
[If any of it sounds like too much, too big of a reaction for people she's only known a handful of months, well, Claudia doesn't care. She doesn't trust easily, and she's given that to both of them. She's fiercely and deeply loyal to the ends of the earth with the small circle of people she actually extends that trust to. She digs her heels in and refuses to budge, latches deeply and quickly to those people. And in a place where she feels so alone, these two have made a world of difference in her time in the Clock. So if it's dramatic, fine, she'll wear the label like a badge of pride.]
[ Oh... boy that's a lot of typos; Cisco is suddenly filled with regret. Sure, it's easier for him, telling the story by text, but that doesn't mean it's easier for Claudia. Which he should have thought of. Plus, Cisco hadn't thought about the cumulative effect of Eddie mentioning he'd killed himself, and now there's a murderous psychopath around she has to worry about, and also considering they're some of her only friends here? Probably should have done this some other way.
(Sometimes he forgets... how bad it all must sound, to someone who doesn't know about it. Cisco's gotten used to the facts of what had happened, and her reaction is a jarring reminder of just how bad it really was). ]
are you okay? you sound super not okay i definitely shouldn't have tried to do this conversation by text? where are you? you better not even be THINKING of doing anything reckless right now.
[ It sounds an awful lot to Cisco like Claudia is two seconds from pulling on her shoes and going looking for Eobard to try to take him out, which is the exact opposite effect than he wanted this conversation to have. He scrambles around looking for his own shoes and types (now with his own typos, since he's rushing out the door and pulling on a jacket at the same time: ]
no one's getting taken away from you again ok deep breathss lemme come to you and i'll explain nd give you a hug bc sounds i don't need ot vibe to guess u need one
» Not really. » My room. » I'm not gonna do anything stupid.
[Mostly, she's just upset. Typing when you're crying really isn't that easy. But she's not in a 'let's track him down' mood. and in all honesty, Cisco isn't wrong to jump to those assumptions. Claudia had a reckless streak a mile wide. Had this happened closer to her arrival in the Clock, maybe she would be closer to what he was assuming. She'd been in a way worse off headspace then, but...this? This is just pain. Pure and unadulterated pain.]
» K
[That's the last text she'll send, tossing her phone on the coffee table, curling her legs up next to her on the couch as she waits for him.]
[ It's nice and all that Claudia says she's not going to do anything stupid. But Cisco's got entirely too many people in his life who will blithely make promises like that and then a few seconds later go on to do something so colossally stupid Cisco can hardly imagine it.
So he sees the texts and focuses on making his way to Claudia's room, gnawing at his lip the whole way there, beating himself up over fumbling this so spectacularly. It only takes a few minutes before he's knocking on her door, then takes a step back, hands shoved into his pockets, waiting to be let in. The moment Claudia opens that door, Cisco scoops her up into the biggest hug he can manage. A hug tight enough to make it very clear that he is here, and solid, and alive. ]
[He isn't kept waiting long. She's practically waiting by the door and it's flung open seconds later and she doesn't have time to even so much as welcome him or usher him inside before she's wrapped up in the ultimate bear hug. A hug that is intense enough to make her realize the bone-deep need she had for it, to break the 'I'm totally okay' facade she'd barely stitched together minutes before he got here. One sob and the mask shatters as she squeezes back as tightly as she can.
She's like that for at least a few minutes, no more sobs, but tears still roll down her cheeks until she can pull herself together for two seconds. She carefully pulls away and tugs him inside.
And now she's just awkward and flustered because crying in front of people is not on her list of acceptable things to do. It's not in what she says, because she hasn't found her voice yet, but the jerky movements as she moves back toward the living room and the absent way she's waving her hands in some sort of silent apology for 'all of that', even if she doesn't actually say it.]
...Sorry. [The word is abrupt and huffed out as she drops back down onto the couch, gesturing in the direction of the door before letting her hands fall into her lap, staring up at him with a look that's half apology, half pout. Everything feels entirely out of proportion and over-the-top now.]
[ It may seem strange, but the main thing that Cisco feels when Claudia starts to sob is relief. It's all too clear from how quickly she breaks and from the shuddering sound of her crying that she really needed it, and Cisco is glad he is here to hug her through it, petting the hair on the back of her head in a mindless, soothing way. It doesn't take long before she's got it out of her system, and as soon as she moves away he drops his arms, lets her go without protest or comment. There's a bit of a damp spot on the sleeve of his shirt but he couldn't care less.
He waves a hand at Claudia's apology as it to wave it away, but he doesn't tell her not to apologize. That would probably only make things worse, he senses, and he is pretty sure he knows what she is going through. They have that in common: both of them people whose emotions run deep, but who are more used to being the wisecracker than to having moments of genuine vulnerability in front of others. So he just shuts the door and follows her to the couch, sitting and knitting his fingers together, looking down at them as he considers what to say. ]
I shouldn't've told you like that. I didn't mean to freak you out. I mean, I meant to freak you out just enough that you'd get he's super dangerous but I didn't mean- y'know.
[ And this is the disadvantage compared to texting. Cisco drops his head, gnawing at his thumbnail as he struggles to gather his scattered thoughts and express himself somewhat coherently. ]
I'm not dead. Not anymore. I should've said that right away. You remember how I told you I can remember timelines that get rewritten? Him killing me got undone, okay?
[One really amazing and awesome thing about the two of them being so much alike is that Cisco just...gets that she isn't used to this, and wouldn't have normally been so open with that sort of emotional upheaval. So, he doesn't press about it, instead he brushes past it and moves the conversation back around to something more solid.
She gives him a weak smile when he explains he wasn't trying to freak her out-- not like that, at least.]
I know you weren't. I knew it would be bad, I just...I wasn't ready for that. [She pauses and stares down at her hands in her lap.] I told you before, I-- I've lost a lot of people and, I dunno. Eventually, it's just like...how much can you take? How much does one person have to lose before it's enough? [Her voice drops a little softer.] And you and Eddie are important to me. I don't want bad things to happen to you.
[She glances over when he goes quiet and reorganizes his own thoughts. She scoffs a little, a little amused, a little hollow.] Yeah, that would've been good to lead with. [She nudges his shoulder with her own, but she gets serious again as she says:]
But I know that doesn't just make everything bounce back into place, either. I spent a lot of time thinking Josh was dead and getting him back was...the most amazing thing, but...it didn't erase what I'd felt before and it didn't stop me from living a period of my life thinking he was just gone. [She frowns a little and shakes her head, looking to Cisco for confirmation on the rest of her thoughts because, hey, that's your area of expertise, broski.] Maybe that's different, though...when it's literally rewritten? Except for you, I guess.
[ Cisco nods solemnly, without interrupting, when Claudia says she's lost a lot of people, that she feels like she can't lose anyone else without crumbling under the weight of it. It makes sense to him, from what she's told him. Her parents. Her brother (it counts). Jinx. Probably Eddie, too, in a way. He's going to have to be more careful, in the future, with Claudia. She is tough, but there's a fragility there under the surface that he needs to remember if he's going to be any kind of a decent friend to her. ]
I don't want bad things to happen to you, either. And- [ Maybe his priorities are wrong, but as soon as the thought enters his head, he has to say it, with an added bitterness in his voice that he's pretty sure Claudia's never heard before: ] I especially don't want anything bad to happen to you because of Dr. Wells.
[ That would be salt in the wound, would make Cisco feel somehow responsible even if he weren't. The last thing he wants is for his own Big Bad to become Claudia's. She deserves to live in an Eobard-free world. The fact that he can't give her that is terrifying, and infuriating. ]
I get that. My friend Ronnie - we thought he died in the particle accelerator explosion. Side note - also Eobard's fault. I kinda blamed myself for that, for a whole year. Once we found out he wasn't dead... I'd still spent that whole year feeling responsible for it. But this isn't like that. For me.
[ That incident might not have impacted him as awfully as losing her brother impacted Claudia, but it's a good enough analogy to demonstrate that he knows what he's talking about when he says that what happened in the other timeline is different and distinct. ]
It's weird, 'cause... [ Cisco had been about to say because I remember how it feels to die, but he remembers his decision to be a little more delicate with Claudia. Maybe that's a detail best kept to himself. He drops his gaze to his hands, picking at a cuticle and frowning as he finds the right words. ] I used to be pretty different. Like... a lot different. It messed me up pretty bad, even though it got undone. The kinda messed up that doesn't ever get all the way better.
[ He has to stop, clear his throat, fighting to keep his voice from filling up with too much emotion. It's a losing battle, and somehow the sound of him fighting it is almost more affecting than if he just let the hurt show openly. ]
So, basically, for me, it feels like something that really happened to me. I can remember all the details. It isn't like something I saw in a movie, or a dream. But at the same time, since Barry changed the timeline, it also feels like... it shouldn't count. Like I should be able to just say 'nevermind' and delete it. But that's not how it works.
[ Cisco laughs, then, just a huff of breath. What a mess it all is. ]
I don't want... [She waves a hand firmly at the idea.] anything to do with him. At all. So...you really don't have to worry about that one.
[She listens as he explains about his friend, frowning slightly when he notes that is also part of Eobard's doing. She shakes her head slightly.] Jeeze, this guy's a bag of dicks, isn't he?
Yeah...I guess it would. [Claudia's voice is soft as she acknowledges his comment about how much the whole thing has messed him up. She can't even picture it, personally. Not only dying at the hand of someone that had been a trusted ally, but remembering it happen even though, by all accounts, it never did. The dichotomy of it must be insane. The evidence of it is right there, all over his face whether he wants it to be or not. The glances away from her, the fidgeting, all of it adds up.
Claudia lets out a soft scoff of her own, looking up and touching his arm with a friendly tap.] Wouldn't that be great? If you could just delete the worst memories like a corrupted file and not have to be bothered by it any more?
He might not give you a choice. [ Cisco says the words softly, feeling a bit bad for doing it. He really doesn't want to upset Claudia further, or frighten her. At the same time, she needs to know. ] I really hope he'll leave you alone. But he might not. And 'might' is more than enough to keep that ol' worry factory going.
[ Her comment that Wells is a bag of dicks has Cisco laughing - the slightly too loud, too hearty laugh of someone who is trying hard to keep hold of the levity in a very serious situation. ] He's literally the worst person I've ever met. In any universe. And it's my job to help catch criminals and supervillains on the reg, so that tells you something.
[ Cisco shakes his head; Claudia might be joking, but he really does wish he could do that sometimes. Just debug his own brain, take out everything awful and be the person he was before all of it. ]
If only.
[ But it's not helpful, wishing for things like that. ]
Know what else he did? Pretended to be paralyzed. Like, wheelchair and everything, for a year and a half. That's pretty messed up, right? Oh, and he put cameras in all our apartments and jobs and coffeeshop and everything back home, he's real big on the whole stalking and surveillance thing, so I'm thinking I'm gonna whip up some kind of advanced bug-detector and just take it with me places, maybe do a sweep of my apartment every week or two. Better safe than sorry.
He's the type that's real big of forcing someone's hand, huh? [It's mostly rhetorical, and accompanied with a sigh. She's not prepared for dealing with the guy at all. Especially not after everything she's learned about him. But maybe, maybe she can just have some good luck for once. Maybe she can continue to successfully avoid him. She holds her hand up with her next words, a visual of what she's saying held up between them.] Fingers crossed.
That definitely says a lot. [She agrees and there's a lull of silence between them for a moment before she speaks again.] I know the type, though... James MacPhearson and Walter Sykes are probably two of the worst people I've ever known. [The latter's name is tinged with a bit more disgust. MacPhearson was terrible in his own right, but Sykes took her best friend away from her.
She's only kind of joking. She does wish she could really erase the worst of her memories. She hopes he doesn't mind when she sort of just lays her head on his shoulder, echoing his own words.] If only.
[She doesn't move, but a frown deepens across her forehead as he explains all the lengths not-Wells went to, to keep track of everything.] That's so creepy. He just doesn't understand the concept of limits at all, does he? [She finally sits up again, clearly a lot more collected than she had been when he'd first gotten here.] Want some help on that? [Because projects. Those were good to have.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
» What happened?
[She doesn't think she's going to like the answer to that question. It's just that ball of lead in her gut feeling. Like how she felt when Pete kept telling her to go back to the car. She knows something's seriously major-bad-wrong, but she doesn't know what and she's going to run full force right to the seriously major-bad-wrong thing until she can see it with her own eyes.]
» I don't really intend to, like, on purpose or anything.
» But I know the psychopath type and they don't always give you an option and I'd rather be prepared than not.
» I was worried about it amping him up or something if I got a shot in, in a dire-need situation. Since Eddie said something about electricity. And...that's literally all that gun is.
» He doesn't really sound like the kind of guy I wanna give a power up bar too, here.
no subject
no, they don't always give you an option
it won't give him a power boost, speed powers do generate lightning but he can't plug himself into a socket and get stronger
if your tesla shot tachyons that would be a different matter, but electricity won't do that.
cold is your best option for fending off a speedster if i'm being honest, but the ultimate best option is to stay the hell away from him.
don't talk to him, don't go near him, just... treat him like you would treat a giant snake.
[ Now, for the harder answer. Which Cisco would very much like to weasel out of. ]
what happened is some really bad shit went down.
next question? you said you had more than one.
no subject
» tachyons aren't... still just hypothetical in your world. Why am I even surprised.
» Cold, 'kay.
» I don't plan to, but you know as well as I do, better if we're honest here, how the Clock works and doesn't always like giving us choices in things, too.
[Oh, sorry, bro, did you think you were gonna evade that so easily?]
» You kinda answered it already, because I wanted to know what would be best to defend against him in the worst possible if/when needed scenario available.
» P.S. I hope you didn't think "really bad shit" would be covering this portion of the conversation and I'd just take it and drop it.
» You don't get to be that cryptic and not tell me why.
[And if she's a little snappy, well, it's because he's put her a little on edge with all the "Do Not Go Near" warnings. The allusions to bad things happening to him and Eddie before Eddie played his Big Dumb Hero move (and God, how fitting and spot-on true to what she knew about Eddie that seemed) didn't exactly help.]
» You and Eddie are some of the only people I have here, Cisco.
» If this douchenozzle is gonna seek you out for some reason, I NEED to know. And I need to know why.
1/2
cold is the opposite of speed. still not a good idea to try to mess with him but if push comes to shove, i figure, good for you to know that.
in a second-worst-case scenario where you aren't sure he's 100% decided to hurt you, try to appeal to his logic. not to say anything nice about him ever, but he doesn't tend to kill people unless he feels like he has a good reason, especially if he sees them as useful. you're smart so he would probably think of you as a potential resource.
[ Guess who has two thumbs and feels a little nauseous after typing that? This guy. Just as well, because there's no way to get through this conversation without a whole lot of bad feelings getting dredged up. At least, in a way, it's easier over text. There's a distance which helps. ]
i wasn't trying to be cryptic i just wanted to warn you this isn't idly curiosity stuff.
....okay maybe i was trying to be a little cryptic.
but i'll tell you.
[ He just... needs a minute to figure out how he's going to word it. ]
2/2
the really bad shit summary:
he kidnapped eddie and kept him tied up and alone in a basement for almost two weeks without feeding him and saying all this messed up shit to him that really screwed with his head. but he's probably not gonna seek eddie out, because he looks down on him because he's the worst.
before that he used to be like a hero to me, we worked together and we were really close, or i thought so, until i discovered he was secretly a supervillain and he murdered me. because he's the worst.
no subject
» Makes sense. I don't particularly want to need to use the info, but I'd rather have it and not need it than need it and not have it.
» Oh, so he's a NICE psychopath that only kills when he HAS TO.
[The sarcasm is strong in that last text. He can probably hear it perfectly in her voice, even. She's really, really, really starting to hate this not!Wells guy already. And Cisco hasn't even gotten to the bad part yet.
She waits--impatiently checking her phone to make sure she hasn't missed a ping--as he sorts out the explanation of things. And when she does finally get those pings? Well, she's not sure what she was expecting, but it definitely wasn't any of this.
The part about Eddie is bad enough all on its own. She'd already been told about his sacrifice and to think it wasn't all that long before that, that his too-many-greats grandson or whatthefrackever Eobard even was to him (she doesn't even care, really) had kidnapped him, psychologically tortured him, starved him...she already feels sick.
And if that was bad, the next part was a hundred-fold worse. Because the part she zoned in on in the text Cisco sent about himself was 'and he murdered me'. It all hit her way too close too home. Her parents. Her brother. Jinks. Suddenly, her eyes are too clouded to see the screen and the phone falls from her hands as she reaches up to press the palms of her hands to her eyes.
No.
NO.
NO!
This doesn't get to keep happening. She doesn't get to keep being forced to suffer losses of people she cares about. She doesn't care that it already happened, that all of these things he's telling her are in the past now, that somehow he's okay and that Eddie, God, that Eddie isn't even there back in their world to feel the pain of all of it anymore. That doesn't matter. By all accounts and technicalities, so is Jinks' death, according to H.G.'s own testimonies about the future in her world. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. That doesn't make any of this okay.
So...it's a few minutes before he gets a reply and there may be some typos when he does.]
» I'm sorry.
» I'm so sorry.
» I didn't knnow. I woildn't have pressed, I should have just dropped it, I didn't mean to brfing all of this back up.
» It won't happen again. I swear to God, Cisco, if I have a single ounce of a say in anything, this fucking asshole will never hurrt either one of you again.
» I don't care who he is oor what he is or what powers he has, nothing and no oen is hurting or taking somebody I care about away from me again.
[If any of it sounds like too much, too big of a reaction for people she's only known a handful of months, well, Claudia doesn't care. She doesn't trust easily, and she's given that to both of them. She's fiercely and deeply loyal to the ends of the earth with the small circle of people she actually extends that trust to. She digs her heels in and refuses to budge, latches deeply and quickly to those people. And in a place where she feels so alone, these two have made a world of difference in her time in the Clock. So if it's dramatic, fine, she'll wear the label like a badge of pride.]
no subject
(Sometimes he forgets... how bad it all must sound, to someone who doesn't know about it. Cisco's gotten used to the facts of what had happened, and her reaction is a jarring reminder of just how bad it really was). ]
are you okay?
you sound super not okay i definitely shouldn't have tried to do this conversation by text?
where are you?
you better not even be THINKING of doing anything reckless right now.
[ It sounds an awful lot to Cisco like Claudia is two seconds from pulling on her shoes and going looking for Eobard to try to take him out, which is the exact opposite effect than he wanted this conversation to have. He scrambles around looking for his own shoes and types (now with his own typos, since he's rushing out the door and pulling on a jacket at the same time: ]
no one's getting taken away from you again ok
deep breathss
lemme come to you and i'll explain
nd give you a hug bc sounds i don't need ot vibe to guess u need one
no subject
» My room.
» I'm not gonna do anything stupid.
[Mostly, she's just upset. Typing when you're crying really isn't that easy. But she's not in a 'let's track him down' mood. and in all honesty, Cisco isn't wrong to jump to those assumptions. Claudia had a reckless streak a mile wide. Had this happened closer to her arrival in the Clock, maybe she would be closer to what he was assuming. She'd been in a way worse off headspace then, but...this? This is just pain. Pure and unadulterated pain.]
» K
[That's the last text she'll send, tossing her phone on the coffee table, curling her legs up next to her on the couch as she waits for him.]
no subject
So he sees the texts and focuses on making his way to Claudia's room, gnawing at his lip the whole way there, beating himself up over fumbling this so spectacularly. It only takes a few minutes before he's knocking on her door, then takes a step back, hands shoved into his pockets, waiting to be let in. The moment Claudia opens that door, Cisco scoops her up into the biggest hug he can manage. A hug tight enough to make it very clear that he is here, and solid, and alive. ]
no subject
She's like that for at least a few minutes, no more sobs, but tears still roll down her cheeks until she can pull herself together for two seconds. She carefully pulls away and tugs him inside.
And now she's just awkward and flustered because crying in front of people is not on her list of acceptable things to do. It's not in what she says, because she hasn't found her voice yet, but the jerky movements as she moves back toward the living room and the absent way she's waving her hands in some sort of silent apology for 'all of that', even if she doesn't actually say it.]
...Sorry. [The word is abrupt and huffed out as she drops back down onto the couch, gesturing in the direction of the door before letting her hands fall into her lap, staring up at him with a look that's half apology, half pout. Everything feels entirely out of proportion and over-the-top now.]
no subject
He waves a hand at Claudia's apology as it to wave it away, but he doesn't tell her not to apologize. That would probably only make things worse, he senses, and he is pretty sure he knows what she is going through. They have that in common: both of them people whose emotions run deep, but who are more used to being the wisecracker than to having moments of genuine vulnerability in front of others. So he just shuts the door and follows her to the couch, sitting and knitting his fingers together, looking down at them as he considers what to say. ]
I shouldn't've told you like that. I didn't mean to freak you out. I mean, I meant to freak you out just enough that you'd get he's super dangerous but I didn't mean- y'know.
[ And this is the disadvantage compared to texting. Cisco drops his head, gnawing at his thumbnail as he struggles to gather his scattered thoughts and express himself somewhat coherently. ]
I'm not dead. Not anymore. I should've said that right away. You remember how I told you I can remember timelines that get rewritten? Him killing me got undone, okay?
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She gives him a weak smile when he explains he wasn't trying to freak her out-- not like that, at least.]
I know you weren't. I knew it would be bad, I just...I wasn't ready for that. [She pauses and stares down at her hands in her lap.] I told you before, I-- I've lost a lot of people and, I dunno. Eventually, it's just like...how much can you take? How much does one person have to lose before it's enough? [Her voice drops a little softer.] And you and Eddie are important to me. I don't want bad things to happen to you.
[She glances over when he goes quiet and reorganizes his own thoughts. She scoffs a little, a little amused, a little hollow.] Yeah, that would've been good to lead with. [She nudges his shoulder with her own, but she gets serious again as she says:]
But I know that doesn't just make everything bounce back into place, either. I spent a lot of time thinking Josh was dead and getting him back was...the most amazing thing, but...it didn't erase what I'd felt before and it didn't stop me from living a period of my life thinking he was just gone. [She frowns a little and shakes her head, looking to Cisco for confirmation on the rest of her thoughts because, hey, that's your area of expertise, broski.] Maybe that's different, though...when it's literally rewritten? Except for you, I guess.
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I don't want bad things to happen to you, either. And- [ Maybe his priorities are wrong, but as soon as the thought enters his head, he has to say it, with an added bitterness in his voice that he's pretty sure Claudia's never heard before: ] I especially don't want anything bad to happen to you because of Dr. Wells.
[ That would be salt in the wound, would make Cisco feel somehow responsible even if he weren't. The last thing he wants is for his own Big Bad to become Claudia's. She deserves to live in an Eobard-free world. The fact that he can't give her that is terrifying, and infuriating. ]
I get that. My friend Ronnie - we thought he died in the particle accelerator explosion. Side note - also Eobard's fault. I kinda blamed myself for that, for a whole year. Once we found out he wasn't dead... I'd still spent that whole year feeling responsible for it. But this isn't like that. For me.
[ That incident might not have impacted him as awfully as losing her brother impacted Claudia, but it's a good enough analogy to demonstrate that he knows what he's talking about when he says that what happened in the other timeline is different and distinct. ]
It's weird, 'cause... [ Cisco had been about to say because I remember how it feels to die, but he remembers his decision to be a little more delicate with Claudia. Maybe that's a detail best kept to himself. He drops his gaze to his hands, picking at a cuticle and frowning as he finds the right words. ] I used to be pretty different. Like... a lot different. It messed me up pretty bad, even though it got undone. The kinda messed up that doesn't ever get all the way better.
[ He has to stop, clear his throat, fighting to keep his voice from filling up with too much emotion. It's a losing battle, and somehow the sound of him fighting it is almost more affecting than if he just let the hurt show openly. ]
So, basically, for me, it feels like something that really happened to me. I can remember all the details. It isn't like something I saw in a movie, or a dream. But at the same time, since Barry changed the timeline, it also feels like... it shouldn't count. Like I should be able to just say 'nevermind' and delete it. But that's not how it works.
[ Cisco laughs, then, just a huff of breath. What a mess it all is. ]
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[She listens as he explains about his friend, frowning slightly when he notes that is also part of Eobard's doing. She shakes her head slightly.] Jeeze, this guy's a bag of dicks, isn't he?
Yeah...I guess it would. [Claudia's voice is soft as she acknowledges his comment about how much the whole thing has messed him up. She can't even picture it, personally. Not only dying at the hand of someone that had been a trusted ally, but remembering it happen even though, by all accounts, it never did. The dichotomy of it must be insane. The evidence of it is right there, all over his face whether he wants it to be or not. The glances away from her, the fidgeting, all of it adds up.
Claudia lets out a soft scoff of her own, looking up and touching his arm with a friendly tap.] Wouldn't that be great? If you could just delete the worst memories like a corrupted file and not have to be bothered by it any more?
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[ Her comment that Wells is a bag of dicks has Cisco laughing - the slightly too loud, too hearty laugh of someone who is trying hard to keep hold of the levity in a very serious situation. ] He's literally the worst person I've ever met. In any universe. And it's my job to help catch criminals and supervillains on the reg, so that tells you something.
[ Cisco shakes his head; Claudia might be joking, but he really does wish he could do that sometimes. Just debug his own brain, take out everything awful and be the person he was before all of it. ]
If only.
[ But it's not helpful, wishing for things like that. ]
Know what else he did? Pretended to be paralyzed. Like, wheelchair and everything, for a year and a half. That's pretty messed up, right? Oh, and he put cameras in all our apartments and jobs and coffeeshop and everything back home, he's real big on the whole stalking and surveillance thing, so I'm thinking I'm gonna whip up some kind of advanced bug-detector and just take it with me places, maybe do a sweep of my apartment every week or two. Better safe than sorry.
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That definitely says a lot. [She agrees and there's a lull of silence between them for a moment before she speaks again.] I know the type, though... James MacPhearson and Walter Sykes are probably two of the worst people I've ever known. [The latter's name is tinged with a bit more disgust. MacPhearson was terrible in his own right, but Sykes took her best friend away from her.
She's only kind of joking. She does wish she could really erase the worst of her memories. She hopes he doesn't mind when she sort of just lays her head on his shoulder, echoing his own words.] If only.
[She doesn't move, but a frown deepens across her forehead as he explains all the lengths not-Wells went to, to keep track of everything.] That's so creepy. He just doesn't understand the concept of limits at all, does he? [She finally sits up again, clearly a lot more collected than she had been when he'd first gotten here.] Want some help on that? [Because projects. Those were good to have.]