[ Cisco stares at Harry in undisguised shock - muted, like everything else about him right now, but unmistakeable. He never would have predicted this. Harry had always struck him as too stubborn to making a mistake, even if he wanted to. Not unless actual lives were on the line.
But he sees the way Harry is looking at him, and it actually makes sense. His daughter had run away and the very same day he'd found out that Jay - someone whose goodness he'd probably never questioned, someone who had saved his life, someone who was supposed to be a hero on his world, someone he'd mourned - was Zoom. The monster who had taken his daughter and terrorized her. Terrorized Harry, too. Hurt him, hounded him, haunted him.
Cisco's been through this before. Part of the reason it's so painful for him is the guilt of not seeing it coming - fool him once, shame on Eobard. Fool him twice, shame on him. But for all that Harry's older, has more life experience in general, he hasn't. Not this particular, unique flavor of betrayal. And the first time, Cisco knows, is far, far worse. ]
Oh.
[ It flashes through his mind briefly that maybe he ought to tell Harry not to make any big decisions like this while the news about Jay is so fresh. But that would make him a hypocrite, wouldn't it? He'd railed against Harry for trying to decide what was best for him. ]
Okay.
[ Cisco moves a few steps closer to Harry, tentative, cautious. If Harry had changed his mind just the night before, Cisco's reaction would have been happiness, enthusiasm. He would have been all over Harry in about a second. But things are different. Yesterday was another world. So Cisco just comes closer still, heart beating a bit faster. ]
[ What had changed his mind was . . . complicated, to say the least. Another hard truth he'd had to face today while grappling with his fears, doubts, and complete and utter loneliness. It wasn't something he would readily admit -- something he'd ever admit, really, if given the chance. But Cisco is approaching him cautiously and he knows he owes him something. Anything. At least the smallest explanation for his sudden 180. ]
I slept with Garrick.
[ Well. Maybe not that.
He seems to realize exactly how it sounds once the words leave his mouth and he quickly lifts a hand to signal that he's going to clarify, really. Harrison dips his head for a moment, trying to weave together the words in his head cohesively before speaking again, to avoid another outburst like the one from five seconds ago. ]
I mean— years ago. Ages. It wasn't for long, either. But. [ He pauses. Where was he going? What was the point, besides full disclosure? ] That was . . . well. That hit everything I'd told you before, and yet.
[ Garrick didn't have as much of an age gap with him. Garrick kept things simple despite their complications, or so he'd thought. He thought that was right, and yet . . .
So. What the hell does he know.
Harrison spreads his hands out in front of him, shaking his head. It probably sounds like he's looking for a rebound, for some small comfort anywhere. And who knows, maybe he is. But Cisco wasn't wrong when he'd said Harrison was attracted to him. It was a risk, but then again, look what playing it safe had gotten him. ]
[ When Harry blurts that he had slept with Jay, Cisco stops in his tracks. He waits while Harry stalls for time, listens as he fills in a few of the gaps. And honestly, it explains a lot. He'd never really understood the intensity of the animosity between the two men, or why that animosity sometimes seemed so charged, so personal. Why had it never occurred to him before, that they might have a history together that wasn't just professional?
Probably because Jay gravitated so quickly towards Caitlin and Cisco assumed, without evidence to the contrary, that he must be straight. Just like he assumed he was just as good and cheesy and noble as he pretended.
That one fact puts a lot into perspective. Harry had turned Cisco down because he thought he had foolproof criteria that would help him avoid entanglements he would regret. But Jay had passed all those criteria, and now, Harry's shoulders are heavy with regret nonetheless.
Cisco knows he is uniquely situated to understand what Harry's going through. ]
Hundred bucks says you spent all day going over everything he ever said to you looking for clues you missed.
[ Which is Cisco's way of saying, I get it, of reminding him, I've been where you are. He reaches for Harry's outstretched hands, lacing their fingers together and stepping in close. Closer than he would stand if they were just talking. He looks up at Harry, trying to read his face. It's easier than Cisco can ever remember it being - he doesn't look angry, or guarded, or even worried necessarily. Mostly, he just looks lonely. ]
I'm really glad you came by. I don't feel like being alone, either.
[ It's a quiet response as Cisco reaches out towards him, weaving their hands together. For someone of his nature — gruff, terse — he's oddly gentle with him now, holding his hands lightly. Part of it is shock. Another part, well. He's always been more quietly affectionate in private, carefully keeping whatever, whoever he holds dear close to chest. Now more than ever, after Zoom and everything that followed.
Harrison tilts his head to one side for a moment, meeting Cisco's eyes. He doesn't shy away from the closeness, doesn't try to put any distance between the two of them for once. There's an openness about his expression, cracked wide by the sudden revelation about Garrick. ]
Good. [ a beat. ] . . . That's good.
[ Even if his words and tone are awkward, nothing about his stance is. Which is why after another pause, he tugs at Cisco's hands lightly to pull him in and leans down, leans forward, until his lips meet his. Unlike the last time they kissed, it's light. There's nothing daring him to take it further, no playful edge to it, nor is there that stupid, smarmy quality that Harrison seems to bring to just about everything. Just a soft kiss, meant to be a comfort to them both — as well as a question of "do you really want this?" ]
[ Cisco waits while Harry looks at him; he lets Harry make the first move this time, leaves the choice up to him. Up until the very moment Harry is kissing him, Cisco thinks he might chicken out, change his mind, think better of it all. And that would be disappointing, but he would accept it.
Except he doesn't. Harry dips his head down, and Cisco tilts his face back, and their mouths meet. Cisco's eyes slip shut easily, and it's a tentative kiss, quiet, a little shell-shocked on both sides. But Cisco does want this. He moves his lips against Harry's, softly, releases one of his hands so he can hold onto the back of Harry's neck and run fingers through the hair at the base of his skull. Maybe it's a terrible decision, but Cisco doesn't care. He'll take what happiness he can get.
After a few moments, he tugs gently at Harry, steering the two of them towards the couch, pulling Harry to sit down beside him. Once they are seated, Cisco leans in and kisses him again, and the angle is better this way, without needing to crane his neck back so far. Cisco doesn't push to deepen the kiss, doesn't do anything more than trace his fingers up and down the back of Harry's neck lightly. ]
[ Harrison had already shifted a hand up to Cisco's head, actually weaving his fingers through his hair this time, when he is tugged over to the couch. He pulls away reluctantly; he can recognize the reasoning why and the logic behind moving, but that doesn't mean he has to like it. Except he will since he's less likely to strain his neck in this position. Funny thing, logic.
He keeps the kiss light not out of uncertainty or anything, but more out of comfort. Aside from feeling good, there's something about kissing Cisco that feels safe. Not like a safe choice, but safe, secure. Right. Or at least, the opposite of everything he'd been up in arms about before. Complicated was always a part of their relationship. This was just another layer to it.
After a few moments, he draws a hand back up to the back of Cisco's head, to his hair, and threads his fingers through it quietly, running his hand through it and down until he rests it at the base of his neck carefully. Despite how slow he's taking it all, there's no hesitation in Harrison's movements this time, no sudden realizations and him subsequently jerking away or anything of the sort. He's just . . . content for once. ]
[ This kiss is drastically different than their first one - he'd been tipsy and pushy, testing Harry's boundaries, goading him. But there's no urgency or provocation in this. Cisco shivers when Harry runs his fingers through his hair, hums softly in approval when he anchors that hand at the base of his neck. He's always liked those hands. It's a little strange, to feel the gentleness in them, but Cisco likes it. A lot.
He brings his own hand up to Harry's face, thumb stroking over his cheek, cupping his jaw lightly. He draws away from kissing Harry just long enough to pull his glasses off, setting them down on the coffee table. When their mouths meet again Cisco deepens the kiss, tentatively, not pushing so much as asking. He breaks away once more a moment later, saying simply: ]
You can stay. If you want.
[ He'll leave it up to Harry to decide exactly what he means by 'stay' - whatever interpretation suits him best, Cisco is willing to go along with. He just knows that the last thing Harry probably needs right now is to spend the night alone in his own place, with Jesse gone and only the empty rooms to keep him company while he thinks about Jay's deception and violence.
[ The alternative was . . . well. He wasn't keen on the alternative, on heading back to an empty apartment to stare at empty walls. He'd done enough of that for one day. Really, he'd done enough of it for one lifetime.
Harrison stays close, tilting his head forward to rest his forehead against Cisco's. The proximity alone was nice, more than he'd had in years. Even with Garrick — when he was playing the part of the noble Jay Garrick, anyway — there'd never been too many quieter moments. But it was casual. Just two adults fulfilling each others' basic needs and having some fun occasionally. As much fun as he'd thought Garrick could have, anyway. ]
It's going to be slow. With me.
[ He'd been receptive to Cisco deepening the kiss, to taking it further, and it wasn't like he was hesitant about any of it. It was just a lot to process these days with everything else — Zoom, Jesse, being trapped in an entirely different world, being okay with being trapped in an entirely different world . . .
And he'd be lying if he said part of him wasn't concerned about Cisco. At the end of the day, Harrison cared more than he could say. ]
You'll survive.
[ The edges of his lips curl into a bit of a smirk. ]
[ Cisco says it immediately and with conviction. He brings a hand up to run through Harry's hair, which is as wild as ever. It's something he's wanted to do for a long time, and at first he is very gentle with it, just carding his fingers through it. After a moment or two, though, he can't help seeing how much he can get it to stand up, in how many directions, and a little smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. There, right at that moment, he feels the first swell of happiness, coming in through the fog.
Who would have thought that anything could make him happy, today?
He smooths Harry's hair again and scrapes his blunt nails against the trimmed sides of his hair, closer to the scalp. Next, he runs his fingers along the shell of Harry's ear; just touching here and there, taking his time. ]
Anything's fine.
[ It's meant as a reassurance, but there's a hint of a confession about it, too. Cisco's had thoughts, of course - things he'd wanted, things he'd imagined. But what he'd wanted most of all, the main thing, was for Harry to want him. Beyond that, all other specifics are pretty much immaterial. Whether or not that's healthy, Cisco can't help feeling it. ]
[ He immediately rolls his eyes when Cisco starts messing with his hair, resisting the urge to reach up and swat at his hand. It helps that he moves his hand down, it feels— well. Good. Better than he has in ages. It's been longer than he'd care to admit, beyond mumbling out excuses about running a company or fatherhood. It's a bit of that, of course, but that's not everything. That's not all of it and he knows it.
Harrison runs his hand through Cisco's hair idly in response, looking mildly amused as Cisco's hand starts to wander. ]
Good. Because this will be complicated. [ A beat. ] Though. We do know complicated forwards and back by now, don't we.
[ It's probably in bad taste to refer to both Thawne and Garrick like that, but he can't help but let his smirk widen at that. In a way, it was a blessing to have two very complicated and, in hindsight, awful people in their past. It put them on even footing, of course, and what a footing that was. But it also was highly unlikely for anything between the two of them to reach the same levels of awfulness, no matter how much they may snipe at one another.
He eyes him idly and when he speaks, his tone holds the same mild amusement that his expression has. ]
[ Cisco inclines his head towards the touch, eyes slipping shut for just a second. He doesn't bother to disguise how much he enjoys even that small bit of contact. Why hide it? He likes having his hair played with, and especially likes that Harry is doing it. ]
I know it will.
[ Cisco doesn't seem to think the comment is in bad taste; after all, humor was what saved him, after everything Eobard Thawne had done. If he hadn't been able to laugh about it, he probably would have had a complete mental breakdown. So he's happy to raise his eyebrows, his expression a mute you can say that again.
When Harry asks what he's doing, Cisco shrugs. It's that or say your ears are kinda cute and he is pretty sure that even at his most tolerant, Harry wouldn't put up with that. So he just smiles, leans in for another lingering kiss, lets his fingers trail down Harry's neck before he settles his hands lightly on Harry's shoulders. ]
At least we know it's complicated from the beginning.
[ Cisco murmurs the words against Harry's mouth, and then, on reflection, adds a little more seriously: ]
And I can promise you, I'm not secretly an evil speedster. Cross my heart.
[ He removes one hand from Harry's shoulder to draw out a quick 'X' over his heart. The gesture is childish, he knows, but that's for the best. They are neither of them ready to really deal with the magnitude of that betrayal, so it's best to keep things light, for now. And Cisco wants him to know that, no matter how well or badly this will go, he can at least be sure of that one thing. ]
[ Harrison gives him a flat look at that last remark and then rolls his eyes. In some — most he thinks in his less generous moments — respects, Cisco lacked a certain amount of maturity. But after everything, Harrison found it almost refreshing in a way.
(after jay garrick.)
He gives a strand of his hair a light tug — nothing too hard that would actually hurt, but just enough to get his attention — and then raises an eyebrow. ]
They are both speedsters, aren't they. That's awful.
[ When he speaks, it's in a soft rasp, like an amused murmur. It's clear that he doesn't think that's too awful, just a terrible yet somewhat hilarious coincidence. He lets out a soft huff, giving him another brief kiss before pulling back slightly to shift his position to something more comfortable. ]
[ The disdain in that look doesn't surprise Cisco one bit, but better that than sadness. Better than the loneliness he'd seen when Harry walked in, better than the fear Harry is so good at hiding.
That tug on his hair does focus his attention. Cisco's pupils dilate perceptibly, and he meets Harry's gaze without a flinch, eyebrows raising ever so slightly. As far as he's concerned, Harry can pull on his hair to his heart's content. ]
Yep. Should've seen it coming, honestly.
[ He tries to keep his voice airy, to keep it a joke, but an edge of bitterness slips into the words unintentionally. If the last few days have taught him anything, it is that there are no good speedsters except Barry. Not the Reverse Flash, not Trajectory, not Zoom, and not Jay fucking Garrick. The next time he meets a new speedster, Cisco has half a mind to cut out the middle parts and just hurl their ass straight into the pipeline. ]
There's a whole buffet of awful similarities, if you stop and think about it. And the funny thing is, Barry didn't want to trust him. He locked him up the moment he showed up, and we had to talk him out of leaving him to rot in a cell. Whereas when you showed up... [ Cisco presses a finger to the center of Harry's chest ] ...Barry was the one who had to talk us into working with you, when all we wanted was to kick your ass to the curb.
[ Cisco huffs out a breath ] Guess we should have given his instincts more credit.
[ Harrison frowns at that. Truth be told, it took a bit of convincing — and very fortunate circumstances — to get Barry to understand him. Granted, "convincing" had basically boiled down to him shooting a giant shark with a pulse laser cannon and then completely defying Barry Allen's expectations of who Harrison Wells was supposed to be, but it all worked out nicely.
Still. Funny, how he turned out to be the trustworthy one while Jay Garrick was anything but. He considers that as he runs a hand through Cisco's hair idly. ]
There's no point in dwelling on it. [ His voice is quiet, but there's a certain resolve to it. ] We'll just throw the next intruder into the pipeline and sort it out later.
[ It's hard to tell if he's joking about that or not. The edges of Harrison's mouth curl up into a slight smirk but other than that, his tone remains flat and matter-of-fact.
He shrugs his shoulders, drawing his hands down to Cisco's arms and rubbing at them lightly briefly. If they keep going down this route, they're only going to get depressed. — well. More depressed than they already were. Harrison pats at one arm before pulling back. ]
[ Whether or not there is a point, Cisco is going to dwell. He knows himself, and he's going to dwell extensively. But right now, with Harry here, talking to him, distracting him... he had something better to do than turn it over and over in his mind. So he sets the thought aside for now, focuses instead on the way Harry touches his arms. Cisco thinks Harry is going to pull him in close, for a moment. But then he is pulling away, and patting his arm awkwardly, and who even does that? What even is that supposed to be?
There's something endearing about the awkwardness of the gesture, though. It is so very Harry, and so very unlike Eobard. Maybe it's a little bit unkind of hm, but Cisco mirrors the gesture, rubs Harry's arms and then pats one, looking up at him with a crooked smile. Teasing, just a touch. Trying to lift a little of the gloom that is pressing in from around them. ]
[ Harrison can easily recognize when he's being sassed by now and immediately raises an eyebrow when Cisco mimics his gesture from moments ago. He's not annoyed, though he can feign it well enough. It's more that . . . well. It's embarrassing to admit just how long it's been, enough that he's back to the age-old problem of "what am I supposed to do with my hands." Aside from the obvious, of course.
He cocks his head to one side, giving him a flat look with no actual heat behind it. In fact, he seems almost amused by it. ]
[ He says it with all the feigned innocence and serenity he can muster, as if he doesn't even know what Harry is talking about. Cisco doesn't stop smirking even as he leans in for another kiss, but the angle is still not ideal. After a moment's indecision, Cisco decides that one of them has to be bold, and that's probably not going to be Harry. Not tonight, anyway.
So he stands up, only to sit back down again, sideways on top of Harry's lap, curling against him. He slides his hands to rest just where Harry's neck meets his shoulders. When Cisco kisses him, though, he keeps it simple, tentative. Tries not to worry about being too heavy, about being too forward.
But of all the things he could be not-worrying about right now, those are vastly preferable to some other options. ]
[ Harrison used up all his boldness for the day just by coming over. He's tired by now and he absolutely looks it, though not tired enough to push Cisco away. He raises an eyebrow briefly when Cisco climbs into his lap but says nothing, drawing his arms around him instead and leans in to meet his kiss. It stays simple, light, though there's no hesitation about it. They could deepen it and he'd be more than fine; it's just casual. Easy. And nice, he quietly adds. Nicer than he'd care to admit out loud.
After a moment, he pulls back just enough to murmur. ]
No problem at all?
[ His lips curl into a smirk again, almost challenging him. ]
What, you want there to be a problem or somethin'?
[ Cisco raises his eyebrows; he could say something about Harry being out of practice, but he thinks better of it. He's not sure whether that is territory it is safe to tease him about, or whether it might stir up some genuine hurt. So instead, he opts for: ]
Just wanted to see if I could make you smile.
[ The words end up coming out a little more earnest than he'd meant them to. Because the truth is he does care, doesn't just want Harry, but wants him to be happy. Or at least, whatever passes for happiness, on a day like today. Cisco goes back to kissing him, a little harder now, not pulling away until his lips have started to feel warm and a bit numb, and he's breathing a little faster than usual. ]
You're not a bad kisser, considering.
[ Considering what, he doesn't say. There's playfulness in his voice, a fondness that undercuts what he actually says. ]
Look, do you... I could probably make out with you all night if you let me. So if you need to sleep, or... or if you want to do anything else, you gotta tell me.
[ There's a dryness to it with a hint of amusement, the only evidence that he's not genuinely offended by any real insinuation there. Though knowing him (and he knows himself all too well these days), that could change at any moment.
He takes in a deep breath, briefly licking at his lips as he gives Cisco a onceover, chest heaving as his breathing steadies with the small break in activity. Harrison lifts one hand to the side of Cisco's face, thumb resting on his cheek while his other fingers slide towards the back of his neck, threading through some of his hair. The truth is . . . well. The truth is that he'd probably let Cisco do just about anything. Do just about anything to him in turn. They're scientists. There's a certain sort of creativity that comes with the territory, in a manner of speaking.
But it's difficult to push the image of Garrick's face, blond hair slick against his face with sweat, breathing heavily as he presses up against him — that and the red-hot feeling of betrayal that boils inside him, makes his teeth grit in annoyance— in anger. The rawness still lingers even as the images slowly fade.
Harrison rubs at Cisco's cheek idly with his thumb, murmuring. ]
This is good for me. ... You'll know if it isn't.
[ He says it in part out of habit, out of how used to being mildly difficult and contrary he is.
But it's alright if they stumble through it. Neither of them really know what the hell they're doing anymore, especially with their stellar choice in partners and general life decisions between the two of them. ]
Considering... [ Cisco clearly casts about for an end to that sentence, smiling a little against Harry's mouth. He settles on: ] Considering how often you wear cardigans.
[ Harry's words reassure Cisco; he relaxes perceptibly. For all that he'd argued with Harry that all of this wouldn't be much more complicated than the relationship they already had, some things really are different. He knows he can count on Harry to make his opinions known - loudly, repeatedly - when they are working in the lab, he also knows that honest interpersonal communication seems to be something he has a very hard time with. He'd had to wrench the words out of himself, earlier, when he said he'd been wrong about the two of them.
But as long as Harry knows that it is his decision, what they do and when they do it, Cisco doesn't have to worry so much. He can go back to running his hands through Harry's hair and kissing him until he feels dizzy. It's a good kind of dizziness, though. ]
Y'know the first time I wanted to do this?
[ Cisco pulls away just enough to speak, pressing his forehead to Harry's, eyes remaining shut ] It was right around Christmas. After we got all those bombs through the breach. I think... I hadn't really ever seen you happy, before that. I looked at you and just thought... [ He trails off, shrugs. ]
[ He stills at that, thumb resting on his cheek, fingers barely touching the back of his neck, and lets out a soft, bitter laugh. It takes him a moment to compose himself and all the willpower he has not to pull away from Cisco. Harrison's not upset, not really, it's just funny in a sad sort of way to him because— ]
That was the night Zoom blackmailed me into betraying all of you.
[ It's a hushed statement, and he averts his eyes in an attempt to mask the guilt and shame that he associates with it all. Christmas. He should have been working with them. He should have trusted them sooner. He knew Cisco could vibe, they could have found a way to work around Zoom's demands together. Instead, he let his pride get the better of him yet again. Predictable.
Harrison glances back towards him after a brief moment, shaking his head. They were past it. Had to be past it. ]
[ Cisco feels the change immediately and worries that he's gone too far, that Harry is about to tease him for being cheesy, and probably he would have it coming. But the sound of that laugh isn't right, for that. It's too brittle, too quiet. And then Harry is talking, and Cisco understands. He'd stumbled on a landmine without realizing it. ]
Oh.
[ Based on his own experience, Harry is going to have a lot more moments like this. Reminders cropping up where he least expected them, memories that seemed settled before coming back and looking entirely different, in the light of new knowledge.
So he isn't sure if it's Harry being angry at himself, or angry at Jay, or ashamed of himself for his choices, or ashamed of himself for not seeing through the deception. It doesn't much matter. The end result is the same, and so is Cisco's next course of action. He takes Harry's face between his hands, waits until Harry is looking at him before he says. ]
Well, turns out you're pretty damn handsome when you're happy.
[ He doesn't know what else to say. He isn't going to tell Harry that it wasn't a big deal, that he'd worked against them, done the things he'd done. But if Cisco isn't going to minimize that betrayal, he isn't going to linger on it, either. What's done was done. ]
[ There were plenty of reminders of that period of time, particularly the ones that had left a physical mark on him. Though the bullet wound from Spivot was slowly starting to fade and the gash he received from being thrown across the room by Grodd was only a faint mark now, the various bruises and injuries Zoom had inflicted on him were still as ugly and fresh as ever. His shoulder had only just stopped being tender recently, though the marks from the burns and the puncture wounds had barely begun to heal over.
Needless to say, there were a few reasons Harrison was taking it slower this time around.
He shifts his gaze back towards Cisco, meeting his eyes for a moment, and then snorts, jarred out of his funk. ]
Really, Ramon?
[ His lips curl into a smirk at that and he shakes his head in mild amusement. Some things had fundamentally shifted between the two of them. Harrison Wells poking fun at Cisco Ramon in his own way was absolutely not one of those things. ]
That's the line you're going with?
[ He doesn't look impressed in the slightest, but there's no real heat behind it. ]
[ Sarcasm is a whole lot better than sadness, at the very least. Cisco isn't worried to give as good as he gets. He knows it was a pretty cheesy line, and some of that had been deliberate. And it had worked, hadn't it? ]
"Why Cisco, that's really flattering, thank you for being honest, it means a lot to me." [ Cisco says the words in a way that is clearly meant to mimic Harry's terse speaking patterns, even takes a hand off Harry's face in order to pretend to push up invisible glasses, in just the same way Harry always adjusts his. Then, switching to his normal voice, filling in both sides of this fake conversation, Cisco goes on: ] Oh, it's nothing, Harry, my pleasure.
[ He finishes it off with a dramatic eye roll, a gesture of disdain that is somewhat undercut by the fact that he dips his head forward and kisses Harry's jaw, works his way along it and then down to Harry's neck. Because Harry might not be the sort to easily accept compliments and corny lines, might not offer his own story of when he first felt attracted to Cisco, but that doesn't mean anything, if he lets Cisco do this. No, not just lets him do it - wants him to.
Cisco keeps his kisses light - much as he would love to give Harry a giant hickey out of spite (and because, well, he'd look rather good with one), he knows it's not a good idea. He's pretty certain Harry isn't going to want to tell anyone about this - maybe not ever, but certainly not in the next few days. So he just moves his mouth against Harry's skin lightly, not pushing him, just looking for any spots that might make him shiver. That would be plenty. ]
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franciscoramon) wrote2015-02-21 01:38 am
no subject
But he sees the way Harry is looking at him, and it actually makes sense. His daughter had run away and the very same day he'd found out that Jay - someone whose goodness he'd probably never questioned, someone who had saved his life, someone who was supposed to be a hero on his world, someone he'd mourned - was Zoom. The monster who had taken his daughter and terrorized her. Terrorized Harry, too. Hurt him, hounded him, haunted him.
Cisco's been through this before. Part of the reason it's so painful for him is the guilt of not seeing it coming - fool him once, shame on Eobard. Fool him twice, shame on him. But for all that Harry's older, has more life experience in general, he hasn't. Not this particular, unique flavor of betrayal. And the first time, Cisco knows, is far, far worse. ]
Oh.
[ It flashes through his mind briefly that maybe he ought to tell Harry not to make any big decisions like this while the news about Jay is so fresh. But that would make him a hypocrite, wouldn't it? He'd railed against Harry for trying to decide what was best for him. ]
Okay.
[ Cisco moves a few steps closer to Harry, tentative, cautious. If Harry had changed his mind just the night before, Cisco's reaction would have been happiness, enthusiasm. He would have been all over Harry in about a second. But things are different. Yesterday was another world. So Cisco just comes closer still, heart beating a bit faster. ]
What changed your mind?
no subject
I slept with Garrick.
[ Well. Maybe not that.
He seems to realize exactly how it sounds once the words leave his mouth and he quickly lifts a hand to signal that he's going to clarify, really. Harrison dips his head for a moment, trying to weave together the words in his head cohesively before speaking again, to avoid another outburst like the one from five seconds ago. ]
I mean— years ago. Ages. It wasn't for long, either. But. [ He pauses. Where was he going? What was the point, besides full disclosure? ] That was . . . well. That hit everything I'd told you before, and yet.
[ Garrick didn't have as much of an age gap with him. Garrick kept things simple despite their complications, or so he'd thought. He thought that was right, and yet . . .
So. What the hell does he know.
Harrison spreads his hands out in front of him, shaking his head. It probably sounds like he's looking for a rebound, for some small comfort anywhere. And who knows, maybe he is. But Cisco wasn't wrong when he'd said Harrison was attracted to him. It was a risk, but then again, look what playing it safe had gotten him. ]
That's what's changed.
no subject
Probably because Jay gravitated so quickly towards Caitlin and Cisco assumed, without evidence to the contrary, that he must be straight. Just like he assumed he was just as good and cheesy and noble as he pretended.
That one fact puts a lot into perspective. Harry had turned Cisco down because he thought he had foolproof criteria that would help him avoid entanglements he would regret. But Jay had passed all those criteria, and now, Harry's shoulders are heavy with regret nonetheless.
Cisco knows he is uniquely situated to understand what Harry's going through. ]
Hundred bucks says you spent all day going over everything he ever said to you looking for clues you missed.
[ Which is Cisco's way of saying, I get it, of reminding him, I've been where you are. He reaches for Harry's outstretched hands, lacing their fingers together and stepping in close. Closer than he would stand if they were just talking. He looks up at Harry, trying to read his face. It's easier than Cisco can ever remember it being - he doesn't look angry, or guarded, or even worried necessarily. Mostly, he just looks lonely. ]
I'm really glad you came by. I don't feel like being alone, either.
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[ It's a quiet response as Cisco reaches out towards him, weaving their hands together. For someone of his nature — gruff, terse — he's oddly gentle with him now, holding his hands lightly. Part of it is shock. Another part, well. He's always been more quietly affectionate in private, carefully keeping whatever, whoever he holds dear close to chest. Now more than ever, after Zoom and everything that followed.
Harrison tilts his head to one side for a moment, meeting Cisco's eyes. He doesn't shy away from the closeness, doesn't try to put any distance between the two of them for once. There's an openness about his expression, cracked wide by the sudden revelation about Garrick. ]
Good. [ a beat. ] . . . That's good.
[ Even if his words and tone are awkward, nothing about his stance is. Which is why after another pause, he tugs at Cisco's hands lightly to pull him in and leans down, leans forward, until his lips meet his. Unlike the last time they kissed, it's light. There's nothing daring him to take it further, no playful edge to it, nor is there that stupid, smarmy quality that Harrison seems to bring to just about everything. Just a soft kiss, meant to be a comfort to them both — as well as a question of "do you really want this?" ]
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Except he doesn't. Harry dips his head down, and Cisco tilts his face back, and their mouths meet. Cisco's eyes slip shut easily, and it's a tentative kiss, quiet, a little shell-shocked on both sides. But Cisco does want this. He moves his lips against Harry's, softly, releases one of his hands so he can hold onto the back of Harry's neck and run fingers through the hair at the base of his skull. Maybe it's a terrible decision, but Cisco doesn't care. He'll take what happiness he can get.
After a few moments, he tugs gently at Harry, steering the two of them towards the couch, pulling Harry to sit down beside him. Once they are seated, Cisco leans in and kisses him again, and the angle is better this way, without needing to crane his neck back so far. Cisco doesn't push to deepen the kiss, doesn't do anything more than trace his fingers up and down the back of Harry's neck lightly. ]
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He keeps the kiss light not out of uncertainty or anything, but more out of comfort. Aside from feeling good, there's something about kissing Cisco that feels safe. Not like a safe choice, but safe, secure. Right. Or at least, the opposite of everything he'd been up in arms about before. Complicated was always a part of their relationship. This was just another layer to it.
After a few moments, he draws a hand back up to the back of Cisco's head, to his hair, and threads his fingers through it quietly, running his hand through it and down until he rests it at the base of his neck carefully. Despite how slow he's taking it all, there's no hesitation in Harrison's movements this time, no sudden realizations and him subsequently jerking away or anything of the sort. He's just . . . content for once. ]
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He brings his own hand up to Harry's face, thumb stroking over his cheek, cupping his jaw lightly. He draws away from kissing Harry just long enough to pull his glasses off, setting them down on the coffee table. When their mouths meet again Cisco deepens the kiss, tentatively, not pushing so much as asking. He breaks away once more a moment later, saying simply: ]
You can stay. If you want.
[ He'll leave it up to Harry to decide exactly what he means by 'stay' - whatever interpretation suits him best, Cisco is willing to go along with. He just knows that the last thing Harry probably needs right now is to spend the night alone in his own place, with Jesse gone and only the empty rooms to keep him company while he thinks about Jay's deception and violence.
It's not unselfish, either. ]
Actually I'd really like it if you did.
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[ The alternative was . . . well. He wasn't keen on the alternative, on heading back to an empty apartment to stare at empty walls. He'd done enough of that for one day. Really, he'd done enough of it for one lifetime.
Harrison stays close, tilting his head forward to rest his forehead against Cisco's. The proximity alone was nice, more than he'd had in years. Even with Garrick — when he was playing the part of the noble Jay Garrick, anyway — there'd never been too many quieter moments. But it was casual. Just two adults fulfilling each others' basic needs and having some fun occasionally. As much fun as he'd thought Garrick could have, anyway. ]
It's going to be slow. With me.
[ He'd been receptive to Cisco deepening the kiss, to taking it further, and it wasn't like he was hesitant about any of it. It was just a lot to process these days with everything else — Zoom, Jesse, being trapped in an entirely different world, being okay with being trapped in an entirely different world . . .
And he'd be lying if he said part of him wasn't concerned about Cisco. At the end of the day, Harrison cared more than he could say. ]
You'll survive.
[ The edges of his lips curl into a bit of a smirk. ]
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[ Cisco says it immediately and with conviction. He brings a hand up to run through Harry's hair, which is as wild as ever. It's something he's wanted to do for a long time, and at first he is very gentle with it, just carding his fingers through it. After a moment or two, though, he can't help seeing how much he can get it to stand up, in how many directions, and a little smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. There, right at that moment, he feels the first swell of happiness, coming in through the fog.
Who would have thought that anything could make him happy, today?
He smooths Harry's hair again and scrapes his blunt nails against the trimmed sides of his hair, closer to the scalp. Next, he runs his fingers along the shell of Harry's ear; just touching here and there, taking his time. ]
Anything's fine.
[ It's meant as a reassurance, but there's a hint of a confession about it, too. Cisco's had thoughts, of course - things he'd wanted, things he'd imagined. But what he'd wanted most of all, the main thing, was for Harry to want him. Beyond that, all other specifics are pretty much immaterial. Whether or not that's healthy, Cisco can't help feeling it. ]
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Harrison runs his hand through Cisco's hair idly in response, looking mildly amused as Cisco's hand starts to wander. ]
Good. Because this will be complicated. [ A beat. ] Though. We do know complicated forwards and back by now, don't we.
[ It's probably in bad taste to refer to both Thawne and Garrick like that, but he can't help but let his smirk widen at that. In a way, it was a blessing to have two very complicated and, in hindsight, awful people in their past. It put them on even footing, of course, and what a footing that was. But it also was highly unlikely for anything between the two of them to reach the same levels of awfulness, no matter how much they may snipe at one another.
He eyes him idly and when he speaks, his tone holds the same mild amusement that his expression has. ]
What are you doing?
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I know it will.
[ Cisco doesn't seem to think the comment is in bad taste; after all, humor was what saved him, after everything Eobard Thawne had done. If he hadn't been able to laugh about it, he probably would have had a complete mental breakdown. So he's happy to raise his eyebrows, his expression a mute you can say that again.
When Harry asks what he's doing, Cisco shrugs. It's that or say your ears are kinda cute and he is pretty sure that even at his most tolerant, Harry wouldn't put up with that. So he just smiles, leans in for another lingering kiss, lets his fingers trail down Harry's neck before he settles his hands lightly on Harry's shoulders. ]
At least we know it's complicated from the beginning.
[ Cisco murmurs the words against Harry's mouth, and then, on reflection, adds a little more seriously: ]
And I can promise you, I'm not secretly an evil speedster. Cross my heart.
[ He removes one hand from Harry's shoulder to draw out a quick 'X' over his heart. The gesture is childish, he knows, but that's for the best. They are neither of them ready to really deal with the magnitude of that betrayal, so it's best to keep things light, for now. And Cisco wants him to know that, no matter how well or badly this will go, he can at least be sure of that one thing. ]
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(after jay garrick.)
He gives a strand of his hair a light tug — nothing too hard that would actually hurt, but just enough to get his attention — and then raises an eyebrow. ]
They are both speedsters, aren't they. That's awful.
[ When he speaks, it's in a soft rasp, like an amused murmur. It's clear that he doesn't think that's too awful, just a terrible yet somewhat hilarious coincidence. He lets out a soft huff, giving him another brief kiss before pulling back slightly to shift his position to something more comfortable. ]
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That tug on his hair does focus his attention. Cisco's pupils dilate perceptibly, and he meets Harry's gaze without a flinch, eyebrows raising ever so slightly. As far as he's concerned, Harry can pull on his hair to his heart's content. ]
Yep. Should've seen it coming, honestly.
[ He tries to keep his voice airy, to keep it a joke, but an edge of bitterness slips into the words unintentionally. If the last few days have taught him anything, it is that there are no good speedsters except Barry. Not the Reverse Flash, not Trajectory, not Zoom, and not Jay fucking Garrick. The next time he meets a new speedster, Cisco has half a mind to cut out the middle parts and just hurl their ass straight into the pipeline. ]
There's a whole buffet of awful similarities, if you stop and think about it. And the funny thing is, Barry didn't want to trust him. He locked him up the moment he showed up, and we had to talk him out of leaving him to rot in a cell. Whereas when you showed up... [ Cisco presses a finger to the center of Harry's chest ] ...Barry was the one who had to talk us into working with you, when all we wanted was to kick your ass to the curb.
[ Cisco huffs out a breath ] Guess we should have given his instincts more credit.
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Still. Funny, how he turned out to be the trustworthy one while Jay Garrick was anything but. He considers that as he runs a hand through Cisco's hair idly. ]
There's no point in dwelling on it. [ His voice is quiet, but there's a certain resolve to it. ] We'll just throw the next intruder into the pipeline and sort it out later.
[ It's hard to tell if he's joking about that or not. The edges of Harrison's mouth curl up into a slight smirk but other than that, his tone remains flat and matter-of-fact.
He shrugs his shoulders, drawing his hands down to Cisco's arms and rubbing at them lightly briefly. If they keep going down this route, they're only going to get depressed. — well. More depressed than they already were. Harrison pats at one arm before pulling back. ]
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There's something endearing about the awkwardness of the gesture, though. It is so very Harry, and so very unlike Eobard. Maybe it's a little bit unkind of hm, but Cisco mirrors the gesture, rubs Harry's arms and then pats one, looking up at him with a crooked smile. Teasing, just a touch. Trying to lift a little of the gloom that is pressing in from around them. ]
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He cocks his head to one side, giving him a flat look with no actual heat behind it. In fact, he seems almost amused by it. ]
What. Is there a problem, Ramon?
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[ He says it with all the feigned innocence and serenity he can muster, as if he doesn't even know what Harry is talking about. Cisco doesn't stop smirking even as he leans in for another kiss, but the angle is still not ideal. After a moment's indecision, Cisco decides that one of them has to be bold, and that's probably not going to be Harry. Not tonight, anyway.
So he stands up, only to sit back down again, sideways on top of Harry's lap, curling against him. He slides his hands to rest just where Harry's neck meets his shoulders. When Cisco kisses him, though, he keeps it simple, tentative. Tries not to worry about being too heavy, about being too forward.
But of all the things he could be not-worrying about right now, those are vastly preferable to some other options. ]
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After a moment, he pulls back just enough to murmur. ]
No problem at all?
[ His lips curl into a smirk again, almost challenging him. ]
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[ Cisco raises his eyebrows; he could say something about Harry being out of practice, but he thinks better of it. He's not sure whether that is territory it is safe to tease him about, or whether it might stir up some genuine hurt. So instead, he opts for: ]
Just wanted to see if I could make you smile.
[ The words end up coming out a little more earnest than he'd meant them to. Because the truth is he does care, doesn't just want Harry, but wants him to be happy. Or at least, whatever passes for happiness, on a day like today. Cisco goes back to kissing him, a little harder now, not pulling away until his lips have started to feel warm and a bit numb, and he's breathing a little faster than usual. ]
You're not a bad kisser, considering.
[ Considering what, he doesn't say. There's playfulness in his voice, a fondness that undercuts what he actually says. ]
Look, do you... I could probably make out with you all night if you let me. So if you need to sleep, or... or if you want to do anything else, you gotta tell me.
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[ There's a dryness to it with a hint of amusement, the only evidence that he's not genuinely offended by any real insinuation there. Though knowing him (and he knows himself all too well these days), that could change at any moment.
He takes in a deep breath, briefly licking at his lips as he gives Cisco a onceover, chest heaving as his breathing steadies with the small break in activity. Harrison lifts one hand to the side of Cisco's face, thumb resting on his cheek while his other fingers slide towards the back of his neck, threading through some of his hair. The truth is . . . well. The truth is that he'd probably let Cisco do just about anything. Do just about anything to him in turn. They're scientists. There's a certain sort of creativity that comes with the territory, in a manner of speaking.
But it's difficult to push the image of Garrick's face, blond hair slick against his face with sweat, breathing heavily as he presses up against him — that and the red-hot feeling of betrayal that boils inside him, makes his teeth grit in annoyance— in anger. The rawness still lingers even as the images slowly fade.
Harrison rubs at Cisco's cheek idly with his thumb, murmuring. ]
This is good for me. ... You'll know if it isn't.
[ He says it in part out of habit, out of how used to being mildly difficult and contrary he is.
But it's alright if they stumble through it. Neither of them really know what the hell they're doing anymore, especially with their stellar choice in partners and general life decisions between the two of them. ]
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[ Harry's words reassure Cisco; he relaxes perceptibly. For all that he'd argued with Harry that all of this wouldn't be much more complicated than the relationship they already had, some things really are different. He knows he can count on Harry to make his opinions known - loudly, repeatedly - when they are working in the lab, he also knows that honest interpersonal communication seems to be something he has a very hard time with. He'd had to wrench the words out of himself, earlier, when he said he'd been wrong about the two of them.
But as long as Harry knows that it is his decision, what they do and when they do it, Cisco doesn't have to worry so much. He can go back to running his hands through Harry's hair and kissing him until he feels dizzy. It's a good kind of dizziness, though. ]
Y'know the first time I wanted to do this?
[ Cisco pulls away just enough to speak, pressing his forehead to Harry's, eyes remaining shut ] It was right around Christmas. After we got all those bombs through the breach. I think... I hadn't really ever seen you happy, before that. I looked at you and just thought... [ He trails off, shrugs. ]
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That was the night Zoom blackmailed me into betraying all of you.
[ It's a hushed statement, and he averts his eyes in an attempt to mask the guilt and shame that he associates with it all. Christmas. He should have been working with them. He should have trusted them sooner. He knew Cisco could vibe, they could have found a way to work around Zoom's demands together. Instead, he let his pride get the better of him yet again. Predictable.
Harrison glances back towards him after a brief moment, shaking his head. They were past it. Had to be past it. ]
But. I was happy, before that.
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Oh.
[ Based on his own experience, Harry is going to have a lot more moments like this. Reminders cropping up where he least expected them, memories that seemed settled before coming back and looking entirely different, in the light of new knowledge.
So he isn't sure if it's Harry being angry at himself, or angry at Jay, or ashamed of himself for his choices, or ashamed of himself for not seeing through the deception. It doesn't much matter. The end result is the same, and so is Cisco's next course of action. He takes Harry's face between his hands, waits until Harry is looking at him before he says. ]
Well, turns out you're pretty damn handsome when you're happy.
[ He doesn't know what else to say. He isn't going to tell Harry that it wasn't a big deal, that he'd worked against them, done the things he'd done. But if Cisco isn't going to minimize that betrayal, he isn't going to linger on it, either. What's done was done. ]
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Needless to say, there were a few reasons Harrison was taking it slower this time around.
He shifts his gaze back towards Cisco, meeting his eyes for a moment, and then snorts, jarred out of his funk. ]
Really, Ramon?
[ His lips curl into a smirk at that and he shakes his head in mild amusement. Some things had fundamentally shifted between the two of them. Harrison Wells poking fun at Cisco Ramon in his own way was absolutely not one of those things. ]
That's the line you're going with?
[ He doesn't look impressed in the slightest, but there's no real heat behind it. ]
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"Why Cisco, that's really flattering, thank you for being honest, it means a lot to me." [ Cisco says the words in a way that is clearly meant to mimic Harry's terse speaking patterns, even takes a hand off Harry's face in order to pretend to push up invisible glasses, in just the same way Harry always adjusts his. Then, switching to his normal voice, filling in both sides of this fake conversation, Cisco goes on: ] Oh, it's nothing, Harry, my pleasure.
[ He finishes it off with a dramatic eye roll, a gesture of disdain that is somewhat undercut by the fact that he dips his head forward and kisses Harry's jaw, works his way along it and then down to Harry's neck. Because Harry might not be the sort to easily accept compliments and corny lines, might not offer his own story of when he first felt attracted to Cisco, but that doesn't mean anything, if he lets Cisco do this. No, not just lets him do it - wants him to.
Cisco keeps his kisses light - much as he would love to give Harry a giant hickey out of spite (and because, well, he'd look rather good with one), he knows it's not a good idea. He's pretty certain Harry isn't going to want to tell anyone about this - maybe not ever, but certainly not in the next few days. So he just moves his mouth against Harry's skin lightly, not pushing him, just looking for any spots that might make him shiver. That would be plenty. ]
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