[ Harry's involuntary wince is a lot more convincing than his insistence that he is fine. He doesn't seem fine - physically or otherwise. Even through his relief, Cisco can tell that. And it's not just the lingering fear that comes from the reality of how imperiled they all are now that Barry doesn't have his speed. Something else must have happened. ]
You don't need to pretend with me. I know you're not okay.
[ Cisco moves the hand that Harry isn't holding down to rest against Harry's side, very lightly, barely touching. He'd been hovering nearby while Jesse checked that Harry didn't need a doctor; he knows that Harry must be in pain. So he just lays his hand down, covering that stretch of Harry's ribs, fingers splayed. Cisco sighs, forehead pressed to Harry's. ]
Why'd you come in here all alone?
[ Harry had been too clearly surprised to see him for Cisco to think that he'd been expecting to meet with him, away from prying eyes. If it had been him who was kidnapped, Cisco thinks that the last thing he would want afterwards would be solitude. ]
[ He glances down at Cisco's hand, wincing only slightly, more at the expectation of pain from his bruises than at actually being hurt, then glances back up at him as he moves in. It's one thing to not need to pretend and another thing entirely to actually open himself up and be vulnerable like that. He's not quite sure he can do it.
So instead, he licks at his lips, contemplating what to say exactly all while still keeping some air of neutrality and togetherness about him. ]
I . . . thought I'd distract myself. Somehow.
[ It's the truth, for once. Instead of burying himself in his guilt, he could press forward with research and keep looking to the future. There wasn't any point in dwelling on the past, he knows that much. He lets go of Cisco's hand so he can draw both of his up to his face, resting them at the side, fingers threading through his hair slowly. ]
It's okay if you still feel afraid even though you're safe now. It's a totally normal reaction.
[ Without the context of what Gray said to Harry, and what Jesse had said before that, Cisco misinterprets just what Harry is distracting himself from. It's an understandable mistake: up until this point, guilt hasn't really been Harry's style. Cisco knows that Harry can be a very proud man. It's not easy for him to admit when things rattle him.
What he says after that stings Cisco, but he supposes he deserves it. ]
You really thought I'd leave without checking on you?
[ Cisco exhales, feeling the tentativeness in Harry's hands as be buries them into his hair. He's made Harry doubt him, doubt how much he cares. All it had taken was a few careless words and now Harry thinks he would just go without making sure he was alright, without kissing him. ]
Harry, I'm really really sorry. You have to believe me, I am. I know the past few days have been weird, but the whole time he had you I couldn't stop thinking maybe it was too late for me to apologize and make things right...
[ Cisco pulls back just far enough that he can look at Harry properly, his own expression transformed by quiet worry. ]
[ If he wants to think that, well, he'll let that small misunderstanding stand. Right now, Harrison doesn't really feel like talking about it, like explaining it in full, that he'd had some idea of what his particle accelerator could do — hence piping it downwards — but a mistake spurred by his arrogance had made the situation so much worse. He'd been a proud fool and his entire world had paid for it.
He clears his throat softly as Cisco speaks, licking at his lips in an attempt to chase away the dryness that had set in. When he finishes, Harrison eyes him calmly. ]
You weren't wrong.
[ Which is true. Neither of them had been — which made it all the more frustrating. Hell, he wouldn't blame anyone for wanting to go home and pass out after the day they'd had. He shakes his head, continuing. ]
[ Cisco opens his mouth to object, to argue for his right to apologize when he'd lashed out and hurt Harry just because he'd felt afraid, but he bites back the comment. Harry doesn't want him to apologize right now, and Harry looks so tired, so worn down that Cisco can't bring himself to do anything that might upset him. Not tonight. ]
Okay.
[ He smooths a hand over Harry's perpetually-messy hair, kissing him again, gently, a concession. ]
You really should get home and rest. The work'll be here for you in the morning. I can take you. And if you want, I can stay?
[ There's hesitation in the offer. Harry might not want him to for any number of reasons - Jesse's back and privacy is pretty much right out the window. Harry might forgive Cisco but not want to be around him that much just yet. Still, Cisco can't not make the offer. ]
[ He strokes his hair idly, considering that for a moment. The kiss served as a good distraction, but not enough to keep him from glancing back at the desk briefly. Part of him wants to — has to bury himself in his work. Harrison still has a lot to make up for, and he can't do that from his apartment.
At the same time, he's so, so very tired.
His eyes shift back towards Cisco, gauging his offer (offers, really) quietly. After a moment, he gives him a small nod. ]
Alright. You wouldn't let me stay, anyway.
[ Which is probably true. He wouldn't put it past Cisco to hover over his shoulder and glare at him until he packed it in for the day. Harrison pauses for a moment in consideration before continuing. ]
[ That was easier than he expected. He can tell there's reluctance there, but he also knows that Harry wouldn't let Cisco bully him into anything he was really set against. Some part of him must realize how much he needs the rest, even if he doesn't like to admit it.
Cisco's shoulders drop a little in surprise when Harry says that Jesse knows. ]
Knows... about us?
[ He would have thought, of anyone, Jesse would be the last person Harry would tell. Cisco knows how important Jesse is to him. She's his world, and almost the whole of his heart. Had Harry really mentioned that the two of them...?
But maybe that's normal. Cisco doesn't have a kid - maybe Harry tells Jesse about anyone he is seeing. Cisco wonders if he'd told her about Jay, and immediately resolves to never, ever ask him. ]
Yeah, I want to stay. C'mon, let's go.
[ He helps Harry up to his feet, sicking close by his side as they make their way out of the lab. There's no one around to see them, but even if they were, they wouldn't think twice about them touching like this. Cisco is just helping because Harry's injured, really... ]
[ He doesn't intend to elaborate on that statement at all. The truth is, after she'd come home, he'd sworn that he wouldn't keep things from her. The only reason he could see to not tell here would be if it wasn't anything serious. If it had been all casual, Harrison probably wouldn't have said a word to her. But she's not an idiot and he's hardly subtle when it comes to her, so it was only a matter of time before she put it all together anyway. Better to be upfront than not.
Quietly, Harrison leans in against Cisco as they walk through the hallways, drawing an arm around him. Occasionally, his eyes shift to one side and then the other, as if keeping an eye out for anyone who may be lurking in the shadows — Griffin, Zolomon— anyone. They'd all have reason to come for him, eventually. His fingers curl against Cisco's shoulder at that thought. ]
[ Cisco can feel Harry drawing closer against his side, feel the way his hand grips at his shoulder, and he doesn't know if it's pain or guilt or fear that's causing it. But whatever it is, he's sure it isn't good. So Cisco starts talking, telling him about how they'd found him - the cameras, Barry doing his CSI thing, the warehouse, the dwarf star alloy. He talks animatedly and without halt, even as they get into the car and he drives them through the dark streets back towards Harry's place. Cisco is careful to emphasize how helpful Jesse had been, how clever she was.
He only goes quiet when they're at the front door; even if Jesse knows about the two of them, Cisco can't help feeling a little self-conscious. He's glad that he did, too, when Harry opens the door and Cisco sees her curled on the couch, fast asleep. He puts a finger to his lips, slips past to wait for Harry in his bedroom. ]
[ He steps over to the couch and scoops Jesse up carefully, carrying her off to her room and tucking her into her bed. She barely even stirs after such an eventful day, thankfully. Harrison quietly pulls the door until it clicks shut, then makes his way across the apartment to the other bedroom before closing that door behind him as well, turning to face Cisco. ]
She's not a light sleeper, but . . .
[ At that, he trails off and shrugs his shoulders, stepping over to sit down on the edge of the bed. Slowly, he kicks off his shoes and pulls off his coat, tossing both to the side and idly rubs at his arms. The bruising was . . . well. Not great, which made him all the more thankful that he favored long-sleeved shirts. Harrison forces a half-smile onto his face as he glances over at Cisco. ]
[ Cisco can't help the little smirk that tugs at the corner of his mouth at what those word of caution imply. Harry knows how eager Cisco always usually is, but as he sits down beside Harry, he murmurs: ]
You really think you're up to anything that would require keeping it down?
[ Harry had winced just from sitting down on the edge of the bed, and he might not be aware of just how pale and exhausted he looks. Cisco hadn't asked to come over with any expectations of that kind. He just... hadn't wanted Harry to be alone. ]
I think you- I think we need the rest more.
[ So Cisco, too, kicks off his shoes and strips down to his boxers and a t-shirt. He slips under the blanket and waits for Harry to do the same before he's pressing up close to him, careful not to pull or push Harry or hold him too tightly, as tempting as it might be. He knows there are bruises, that Gray must have kicked him around a bit.
(He would never say it, but Cisco's a bit glad that he'd died).
Cisco curls an arm around Harry's chest, presses his forehead to the back of Harry's neck. Strange, just how protective he feels about Harry. He hadn't really realized just how much, until he'd been taken. Normally, Cisco thinks of Harry as formidable enough to take care of himself. But ... they're both of them vulnerable, aren't they? ]
[ There's something comforting about the way Cisco is pressed up against him; at the same time, he can feel a small pang of guilt slowly start to build inside. It was true that they needed the rest more, but Harrison was almost certain at this point that he wouldn't be getting much sleep at all tonight, if any. His sleep schedule had been skewed for some time now and after Gray, that wasn't changing any time soon.
He glances down at Cisco's arm and then shakes his head. The bruising was centered more on the lower part of his body — a large, mottled purple at his side, the various blotches running down his arms and legs, and the knot on his forehead all served as painful reminders of his misadventure. ]
You're fine.
[ There's still a great deal of tension in his body though, arms stiff, eyes staring ahead flatly at the wall. Between Zoom and Gray and everything else, it was hard to feel safe, to really relax. He'd only just started getting back to that point a few weeks ago; now, with the breach open and Barry's powers gone, he was back to square one all over again. ]
[ Cisco had hoped that, with him here, and after everything he'd been through, Harry would drop off quickly. He knows that he feels heavy-lidded and exhausted, and warm and comfortable with Harry pulled up against his chest. But the tension in Harry's body doesn't dissipate one bit. If anything, it only gets worse.
Cisco tries to wait him out, stay awake long enough to make sure Harry drops off. But after around twenty minutes of silence between them, nothing's changed. Even though Harry is here right next to him, warm and alive and mostly in one piece, Cisco feels a pang of sadness as if he were a thousand miles away. Cisco plants a kiss to the top of Harry's spine and murmurs: ]
Tell me what happened with Gray? Please? What... made you like this?
[ Because this isn't just the inconvenience of being taken and tied up for the day. This isn't just the pain of his injuries. This isn't even just because of the ambient worry about Zoom and Barry's powers. Something must have gone down. Something Harry is keeping silent about. ]
[ It's his last few words that jar him out of his passive state. Harrison sucks in a bit of air, resisting the urge to immediately be combative in response. It's a kneejerk reaction, he knows, and one he still has trouble tempering. It's easier now, at least, with Cisco a constant warm presence at his back. After a moment, he speaks softly, roughly. ]
You don't want to hear about it.
[ Because he doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't want to think about it even though it's all he can think about right now. He puts an emphasis on don't, making it clear that he knows Cisco wants to know and hear whatever he has to say. It's that it's something that he shouldn't hear. Shouldn't deal with. It wasn't even guilt over Gray; he wasn't responsible for what had happened to him. It was a shame but that was Thawne's accelerator, not his. Still. How many like Gray existed on his Earth? How many children had been ripped away from their parents — like his daughter was taken from him — because the dark matter had suddenly changed them? He may not be responsible for the choices that some metahumans make, but he knows all too well in how complicit he is in most else. How much he had to make up for.
Harrison lifts up a hand to rub at his forehead. ]
[ He knows that 'you don't want to hear' really means 'I don't want to say', but right now, he's not taking no for an answer. Not when just asking has Harry tensing up even more, speaking in that rough, abrupt way. Cisco bends his knees forward, a little closer to Harry's own legs, curling his hand into Harry's shirt, holding onto it. It's not enough. If he could he would wrap his entire body around Harry's, until he feels safe, until these terrible things stop happening to him. He might not be perfect, but he doesn't deserve the unending shitstorm that his life has been, since Zoom kidnapped Jesse.]
You know if you don't tell me I'm just gonna worry even more, right?
[ Cisco lets out a long sigh, presses a kiss to the curve of Harry's neck where it meets his shoulder. ]
It'll just be between us. I promise. I... can't help you if I don't know how.
[ He can feel his jaw clench involuntarily at that. Because that's just it — he can't help, no one can, not even Jesse. This is something Harrison has to figure out for himself and take care of on his own, if anything. When he speaks again, his words are even more abrupt, like he's just saying them to get it all over with. ]
Gray was only seventeen. [ a beat. ] I know that was Thawne's doing. I know. But. How many Grays exist in my world? How many— children got swept up in this, exactly? Or others, for that matter. I did that. I knew there would be consequences. That is on me.
[ There's a long pause as he catches his breath, eyes half-lidded and weary. ]
[ Cisco doesn't say anything to that, at first. Because in a way, Harry is right. If Harry doesn't know how many people - including children - were affected by the particle accelerator, it's likely that no one does. It seems possible, likely, that some of them were like Gray.
So that regret is a heavy weight that Cisco can't lift with logic or reason. Even if the initial release of dark matter energy was an accident that Harry couldn't have foreseen, there is the matter of Harry lying about it to the public for such a long time. ]
You feeling guilty doesn't undo it, and it doesn't help anyone.
[ Because he can't just let it lay, when Harry is hurt and exhausted and clearly beating himself up mentally far worse than Gray had done physically. ]
Once we fix this thing with Barry, and Zoom, we can track them down. However many Griffin Grays there are. And we can do whatever's possible to help them.
[ It's kind of funny, really. Eobard Thawne had exploded the accelerator on purpose, and made a hero like Barry in the process, for all the worst reasons. But Harry had created the metas on Earth 2 on accident, with only the best of intentions, and he'd made a monster like Zoom. It just doesn't seem fair. Cisco nuzzles his face into the back of Harry's shoulder, sighs heavily. ]
[ He doesn't respond to that because how can he, when he knows all too well that there isn't any helping them. Even if Gray had calmed down and suppressed his power in some manner, his lifespan had still been irreparably cut short. And then there were people like Lamden, whose genes had been mutated in a more obvious way. Despite Director Diggle's hopes that they could perhaps cure him, Harrison was skeptical at best — pessimistic was more like it. The effects of the particle accelerator were irreversible, period.
It's kind of Cisco to want to help and really, just like him at the end of the day. Too bad there's no helping anyone tied up in this situation. He lets out a noncommittal grunt in response, fingers curling. Only time would help at this point. Time, and his own form of atonement. First on the list: getting Barry his powers back somehow without putting anyone else in jeopardy.
After a moment, he heaves a sigh and uncurls his fingers, reaching up to rest a hand on Cisco's arm instead, quiet. ]
[ Cisco knows that's not a noise of agreement so much as a noise of 'whatever you say, Cisco, now be quiet'. And he vacillates for a moment over whether he should say more, biting down on his bottom lip as he debates. He's just decided that he'll let it be when Harry sighs and reaches out for his arm, and that gesture spurs him on. ]
Look, I know you might not want to hear it right now, but you're a good man.
[ That's all - no false promises about being able to fix it all, no lies about Harry not being responsible. Just Cisco's whispered, fervent belief that, despite everything, Harry is fundamentally a good person.
And, well, if Harry isn't going to sleep, isn't even going to relax, there are things Cisco can do to help with that, too. Cisco squeezes Harry lightly before drawing his arms away and then he starts to massages Harry's back and neck. He is careful about it, testing with every new spot to make sure that Harry doesn't tense or flinch, avoiding anywhere that is bruised. ]
[ It's uncomfortable at first, and not just because of all of his cuts and bruises The guilt still weighs heavily on Harrison, and the light pressure on his muscles — which should, for all intents and purposes, be comforting — only serves to unsettle him even more. He's about to bristle and snap at him to knock it off when his hands shift, as if trying to search out a better spot to work at. Harrison pauses, biting back any harsh remarks he may have had building in his throat, and chews at the side of his cheek quietly for a moment or two.
And then— to hell with it, to hell with raking himself any further over the coals than he already had today. He leans in to Cisco's touch, as if suddenly realizing how starved he's been for it, though the only noise of approval coming from him is a soft hum. It's a few moments before he murmurs a response. ]
[ Well, if Harry isn't willing to talk or to listen, at least he is willing to be touched. Cisco feels the initial tension in him slowly dissipate; he remains careful, getting a sense of where Harry's injuries are by where he hisses and tenses when Cisco's fingertips press lightly. The bruising is more extensive than he'd thought, but he refrains from commenting. He just sticks to Harry's shoulders and upper back, feeling for knots in his muscles and then working them out.
And if he's honest, this isn't only for Harry's benefit. It's comforting to Cisco, too. A reminder that Harry is solid and real and alive and here. A way of helping, however small, to drive away the darkness that's soaked into both their lives. He's always been good with his hands and always liked using them in the service of good.
Silence, he thinks, isn't an ally to either of them right now. It leaves Harry alone with his thoughts, and Cisco worrying about Harry and his thoughts. So he starts talking, with the express intent of boring Harry to sleep. Even if it doesn't work and he doesn't drop off entirely, it will at least fill up the empty air in the room. It's nothing interesting or fraught, the story he tells. Just a recounting of a silly dream he'd had the other day, when he fell asleep at the lab, about Shawna Baez showing up out of nowhere in a glowing dress, and how in the dream she'd shot him but he'd been saved by spilling orange soda and unknown chemicals on his shirt, which had made it bulletproof. The logic didn't make sense, but then again, what dream ever did? ]
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franciscoramon) wrote2015-02-21 01:38 am
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You don't need to pretend with me. I know you're not okay.
[ Cisco moves the hand that Harry isn't holding down to rest against Harry's side, very lightly, barely touching. He'd been hovering nearby while Jesse checked that Harry didn't need a doctor; he knows that Harry must be in pain. So he just lays his hand down, covering that stretch of Harry's ribs, fingers splayed. Cisco sighs, forehead pressed to Harry's. ]
Why'd you come in here all alone?
[ Harry had been too clearly surprised to see him for Cisco to think that he'd been expecting to meet with him, away from prying eyes. If it had been him who was kidnapped, Cisco thinks that the last thing he would want afterwards would be solitude. ]
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So instead, he licks at his lips, contemplating what to say exactly all while still keeping some air of neutrality and togetherness about him. ]
I . . . thought I'd distract myself. Somehow.
[ It's the truth, for once. Instead of burying himself in his guilt, he could press forward with research and keep looking to the future. There wasn't any point in dwelling on the past, he knows that much. He lets go of Cisco's hand so he can draw both of his up to his face, resting them at the side, fingers threading through his hair slowly. ]
I didn't think you were still here.
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[ Without the context of what Gray said to Harry, and what Jesse had said before that, Cisco misinterprets just what Harry is distracting himself from. It's an understandable mistake: up until this point, guilt hasn't really been Harry's style. Cisco knows that Harry can be a very proud man. It's not easy for him to admit when things rattle him.
What he says after that stings Cisco, but he supposes he deserves it. ]
You really thought I'd leave without checking on you?
[ Cisco exhales, feeling the tentativeness in Harry's hands as be buries them into his hair. He's made Harry doubt him, doubt how much he cares. All it had taken was a few careless words and now Harry thinks he would just go without making sure he was alright, without kissing him. ]
Harry, I'm really really sorry. You have to believe me, I am. I know the past few days have been weird, but the whole time he had you I couldn't stop thinking maybe it was too late for me to apologize and make things right...
[ Cisco pulls back just far enough that he can look at Harry properly, his own expression transformed by quiet worry. ]
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He clears his throat softly as Cisco speaks, licking at his lips in an attempt to chase away the dryness that had set in. When he finishes, Harrison eyes him calmly. ]
You weren't wrong.
[ Which is true. Neither of them had been — which made it all the more frustrating. Hell, he wouldn't blame anyone for wanting to go home and pass out after the day they'd had. He shakes his head, continuing. ]
So. Don't apologize.
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Okay.
[ He smooths a hand over Harry's perpetually-messy hair, kissing him again, gently, a concession. ]
You really should get home and rest. The work'll be here for you in the morning. I can take you. And if you want, I can stay?
[ There's hesitation in the offer. Harry might not want him to for any number of reasons - Jesse's back and privacy is pretty much right out the window. Harry might forgive Cisco but not want to be around him that much just yet. Still, Cisco can't not make the offer. ]
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At the same time, he's so, so very tired.
His eyes shift back towards Cisco, gauging his offer (offers, really) quietly. After a moment, he gives him a small nod. ]
Alright. You wouldn't let me stay, anyway.
[ Which is probably true. He wouldn't put it past Cisco to hover over his shoulder and glare at him until he packed it in for the day. Harrison pauses for a moment in consideration before continuing. ]
You can stay if you want. She knows.
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[ That was easier than he expected. He can tell there's reluctance there, but he also knows that Harry wouldn't let Cisco bully him into anything he was really set against. Some part of him must realize how much he needs the rest, even if he doesn't like to admit it.
Cisco's shoulders drop a little in surprise when Harry says that Jesse knows. ]
Knows... about us?
[ He would have thought, of anyone, Jesse would be the last person Harry would tell. Cisco knows how important Jesse is to him. She's his world, and almost the whole of his heart. Had Harry really mentioned that the two of them...?
But maybe that's normal. Cisco doesn't have a kid - maybe Harry tells Jesse about anyone he is seeing. Cisco wonders if he'd told her about Jay, and immediately resolves to never, ever ask him. ]
Yeah, I want to stay. C'mon, let's go.
[ He helps Harry up to his feet, sicking close by his side as they make their way out of the lab. There's no one around to see them, but even if they were, they wouldn't think twice about them touching like this. Cisco is just helping because Harry's injured, really... ]
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[ He doesn't intend to elaborate on that statement at all. The truth is, after she'd come home, he'd sworn that he wouldn't keep things from her. The only reason he could see to not tell here would be if it wasn't anything serious. If it had been all casual, Harrison probably wouldn't have said a word to her. But she's not an idiot and he's hardly subtle when it comes to her, so it was only a matter of time before she put it all together anyway. Better to be upfront than not.
Quietly, Harrison leans in against Cisco as they walk through the hallways, drawing an arm around him. Occasionally, his eyes shift to one side and then the other, as if keeping an eye out for anyone who may be lurking in the shadows — Griffin, Zolomon— anyone. They'd all have reason to come for him, eventually. His fingers curl against Cisco's shoulder at that thought. ]
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He only goes quiet when they're at the front door; even if Jesse knows about the two of them, Cisco can't help feeling a little self-conscious. He's glad that he did, too, when Harry opens the door and Cisco sees her curled on the couch, fast asleep. He puts a finger to his lips, slips past to wait for Harry in his bedroom. ]
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She's not a light sleeper, but . . .
[ At that, he trails off and shrugs his shoulders, stepping over to sit down on the edge of the bed. Slowly, he kicks off his shoes and pulls off his coat, tossing both to the side and idly rubs at his arms. The bruising was . . . well. Not great, which made him all the more thankful that he favored long-sleeved shirts. Harrison forces a half-smile onto his face as he glances over at Cisco. ]
We'll just have to keep it down.
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alwaysusually is, but as he sits down beside Harry, he murmurs: ]You really think you're up to anything that would require keeping it down?
[ Harry had winced just from sitting down on the edge of the bed, and he might not be aware of just how pale and exhausted he looks. Cisco hadn't asked to come over with any expectations of that kind. He just... hadn't wanted Harry to be alone. ]
I think you- I think we need the rest more.
[ So Cisco, too, kicks off his shoes and strips down to his boxers and a t-shirt. He slips under the blanket and waits for Harry to do the same before he's pressing up close to him, careful not to pull or push Harry or hold him too tightly, as tempting as it might be. He knows there are bruises, that Gray must have kicked him around a bit.
(He would never say it, but Cisco's a bit glad that he'd died).
Cisco curls an arm around Harry's chest, presses his forehead to the back of Harry's neck. Strange, just how protective he feels about Harry. He hadn't really realized just how much, until he'd been taken. Normally, Cisco thinks of Harry as formidable enough to take care of himself. But ... they're both of them vulnerable, aren't they? ]
Am I hurting you at all?
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He glances down at Cisco's arm and then shakes his head. The bruising was centered more on the lower part of his body — a large, mottled purple at his side, the various blotches running down his arms and legs, and the knot on his forehead all served as painful reminders of his misadventure. ]
You're fine.
[ There's still a great deal of tension in his body though, arms stiff, eyes staring ahead flatly at the wall. Between Zoom and Gray and everything else, it was hard to feel safe, to really relax. He'd only just started getting back to that point a few weeks ago; now, with the breach open and Barry's powers gone, he was back to square one all over again. ]
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Cisco tries to wait him out, stay awake long enough to make sure Harry drops off. But after around twenty minutes of silence between them, nothing's changed. Even though Harry is here right next to him, warm and alive and mostly in one piece, Cisco feels a pang of sadness as if he were a thousand miles away. Cisco plants a kiss to the top of Harry's spine and murmurs: ]
Tell me what happened with Gray? Please? What... made you like this?
[ Because this isn't just the inconvenience of being taken and tied up for the day. This isn't just the pain of his injuries. This isn't even just because of the ambient worry about Zoom and Barry's powers. Something must have gone down. Something Harry is keeping silent about. ]
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You don't want to hear about it.
[ Because he doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't want to think about it even though it's all he can think about right now. He puts an emphasis on don't, making it clear that he knows Cisco wants to know and hear whatever he has to say. It's that it's something that he shouldn't hear. Shouldn't deal with. It wasn't even guilt over Gray; he wasn't responsible for what had happened to him. It was a shame but that was Thawne's accelerator, not his. Still. How many like Gray existed on his Earth? How many children had been ripped away from their parents — like his daughter was taken from him — because the dark matter had suddenly changed them? He may not be responsible for the choices that some metahumans make, but he knows all too well in how complicit he is in most else. How much he had to make up for.
Harrison lifts up a hand to rub at his forehead. ]
It'll pass.
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[ He knows that 'you don't want to hear' really means 'I don't want to say', but right now, he's not taking no for an answer. Not when just asking has Harry tensing up even more, speaking in that rough, abrupt way. Cisco bends his knees forward, a little closer to Harry's own legs, curling his hand into Harry's shirt, holding onto it. It's not enough. If he could he would wrap his entire body around Harry's, until he feels safe, until these terrible things stop happening to him. He might not be perfect, but he doesn't deserve the unending shitstorm that his life has been, since Zoom kidnapped Jesse.]
You know if you don't tell me I'm just gonna worry even more, right?
[ Cisco lets out a long sigh, presses a kiss to the curve of Harry's neck where it meets his shoulder. ]
It'll just be between us. I promise. I... can't help you if I don't know how.
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Gray was only seventeen. [ a beat. ] I know that was Thawne's doing. I know. But. How many Grays exist in my world? How many— children got swept up in this, exactly? Or others, for that matter. I did that. I knew there would be consequences. That is on me.
[ There's a long pause as he catches his breath, eyes half-lidded and weary. ]
And you need to let it lay, Ramon.
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So that regret is a heavy weight that Cisco can't lift with logic or reason. Even if the initial release of dark matter energy was an accident that Harry couldn't have foreseen, there is the matter of Harry lying about it to the public for such a long time. ]
You feeling guilty doesn't undo it, and it doesn't help anyone.
[ Because he can't just let it lay, when Harry is hurt and exhausted and clearly beating himself up mentally far worse than Gray had done physically. ]
Once we fix this thing with Barry, and Zoom, we can track them down. However many Griffin Grays there are. And we can do whatever's possible to help them.
[ It's kind of funny, really. Eobard Thawne had exploded the accelerator on purpose, and made a hero like Barry in the process, for all the worst reasons. But Harry had created the metas on Earth 2 on accident, with only the best of intentions, and he'd made a monster like Zoom. It just doesn't seem fair. Cisco nuzzles his face into the back of Harry's shoulder, sighs heavily. ]
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It's kind of Cisco to want to help and really, just like him at the end of the day. Too bad there's no helping anyone tied up in this situation. He lets out a noncommittal grunt in response, fingers curling. Only time would help at this point. Time, and his own form of atonement. First on the list: getting Barry his powers back somehow without putting anyone else in jeopardy.
After a moment, he heaves a sigh and uncurls his fingers, reaching up to rest a hand on Cisco's arm instead, quiet. ]
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Look, I know you might not want to hear it right now, but you're a good man.
[ That's all - no false promises about being able to fix it all, no lies about Harry not being responsible. Just Cisco's whispered, fervent belief that, despite everything, Harry is fundamentally a good person.
And, well, if Harry isn't going to sleep, isn't even going to relax, there are things Cisco can do to help with that, too. Cisco squeezes Harry lightly before drawing his arms away and then he starts to massages Harry's back and neck. He is careful about it, testing with every new spot to make sure that Harry doesn't tense or flinch, avoiding anywhere that is bruised. ]
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And then— to hell with it, to hell with raking himself any further over the coals than he already had today. He leans in to Cisco's touch, as if suddenly realizing how starved he's been for it, though the only noise of approval coming from him is a soft hum. It's a few moments before he murmurs a response. ]
You're right. I don't.
[ And yet, he's still leaning in towards him. ]
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And if he's honest, this isn't only for Harry's benefit. It's comforting to Cisco, too. A reminder that Harry is solid and real and alive and here. A way of helping, however small, to drive away the darkness that's soaked into both their lives. He's always been good with his hands and always liked using them in the service of good.
Silence, he thinks, isn't an ally to either of them right now. It leaves Harry alone with his thoughts, and Cisco worrying about Harry and his thoughts. So he starts talking, with the express intent of boring Harry to sleep. Even if it doesn't work and he doesn't drop off entirely, it will at least fill up the empty air in the room. It's nothing interesting or fraught, the story he tells. Just a recounting of a silly dream he'd had the other day, when he fell asleep at the lab, about Shawna Baez showing up out of nowhere in a glowing dress, and how in the dream she'd shot him but he'd been saved by spilling orange soda and unknown chemicals on his shirt, which had made it bulletproof. The logic didn't make sense, but then again, what dream ever did? ]