franciscoramon: (Default)
Cisco Ramon ([personal profile] franciscoramon) wrote2017-04-06 09:14 pm

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causational: (resigned)

[personal profile] causational 2017-07-23 12:20 am (UTC)(link)
[Eddie manages the lightheartedness to wrinkle his nose when Cisco says that he's stubborn and thinks that they should be talking about Eddie. He doesn't particularly agree, he's curious about why Cisco doesn't want to go home, but Cisco seems pretty intent on trying to counter everything Eddie just said about himself. There's a light tug at his hair, a comment about his teeth, about making Cisco and Yuri laugh, about not using or betraying Cisco, and all the things he'd done for his job back home and here.

Licking his lips, Eddie glances down at his own knee, exhaling a slightly heavy thigh. The way Cisco is talking - it's nice to hear, all these positive things about himself, but at the same time, he thinks maybe Cisco missed the point of what he meant. That he didn't mean his hair and teeth and the things he's done are fake, but that there's just something inside him that's somehow missing or broken or not good enough to make his appeal long-term or deep. That maybe there's something shallow about him that makes people get tired of him or not want to commit in a real, unwavering way.

But he doesn't know how to say it.

So he just chews on his inner lip for a few moments, swallowing hard, still feeling that burn of tears in his eyes and throat, trying to work out how to respond. After a moment, he exhales, tries to take some of the pressure off by doing it.]


That's not what I mean. It's more like... [He swallows hard.] ...like doing the normal things that cops do, or making my hair look like a magazine, or the way my teeth look - totally because of braces, by the way - those aren't what I mean. I mean the stuff inside me. The stuff that makes me who I am. I'm not interesting or unique, there's not enough there to keep people interested enough that they actually want to commit or only want me.

[Curling his fingers, Eddie scrapes his blunt nails along the ridges of his jeans, swallowing hard again, avoiding eye contact.]

I get it. It's probably hard to understand for someone like you. You have so much stuff going on, so many interests and so much personality, and you're unique and smart and all that. I'm not like that.
causational: (exhaustion)

[personal profile] causational 2017-07-23 07:06 am (UTC)(link)
[It's a losing battle, he thinks, trying to make Cisco understand that there's something wrong with him. And it's strange, because to Eddie it seems so obvious, so evident, that he's just not good enough. Not enough in general. He keeps scraping at his jeans until Cisco takes his hand, rubs his thumb gently against the back of his hand, the calluses sliding over the slightly raised tendons there, the soft blond hairs, just under the knob of his wrist.

Eddie closes his eyes for a moment, trying to breathe, slow and steady and even, trying to internalize what Cisco is saying, but it slides off him. Maybe it's just not the right time, everything is too raw and open. He can't internalize it, can't believe it. It feels like a pep talk, without any substance, though it isn't because he thinks Cisco is being insincere, he just feels like maybe Cisco doesn't know enough about him. Doesn't see anything but the shiny outside of him, carefully cultivated so he never has to feel like he did when he was in high school again.]


Sounds to me like maybe you don't know me well enough yet.

[It's supposed to be a joke, but it comes out a little too serious, more serious than he intends, falls flat.]
causational: (quiet contemplation)

[personal profile] causational 2017-07-23 08:15 am (UTC)(link)
[Eddie's eyes open when Cisco calls him out on being stubborn, and he turns his head a bit to look at Cisco while the younger man pulls his feet up onto the couch and leans against him. Instinctively, he shifts to take his weight, his arm tightening around Cisco's waist, listens while he passionately decries the things that being interesting and unique can be, and says that no one wants to date guys like that. Fall in love with them.

For a moment, he thinks...no one wants to fall in love with him either. But there's something about the things that Cisco says, after that, the things that are actually about Eddie. The fact he sings in the shower, the way he fidgets with his belt, and how those things can be appealing, those things that only someone who's lived with him, observed him in those little private moments would see.]


It's because I'm used to wearing a gun belt. [He speaks, his voice low and a little shaky, but he's looking at Cisco, swallowing hard.] They're heavy, so I'm always hiking them up, you know? I run or walk a lot, and they slide down. It just becomes a habit.

[After a moment, he licks his lips, and then rests his head against Cisco's shoulder for a moment. It's hard, but Cisco sounds so intent, so assured of what he's saying, so confident, so informed that it's hard not to at least believe that he believes what he's saying. And maybe that's just enough to get through this, to ride out this particular wave of pain and self-doubt.]

You're good. You know that, right?

[A soft sigh, and some of the tension in his throat eases, his eyes stop stinging, and he keeps his eyes open as he lets his head rest against Cisco's shoulder for a few moments longer.]

Thanks. For staying here, with me. You...want to watch a movie? I could use a distraction.