franciscoramon | riverview ∆ ic inbox ∆ @ciscodelamancha

[ Cisco completely ignores the backpedalling. You can't play a player, Taako. ]

not like there's an expiration date on being allowed to think about it
or talk about it
idk
i don't think shit like that can get resolved in a month or two
even tho she's family

[ Or maybe ever, but he's not gonna say that. ]

i don't know about you but for me when it comes to stuff
it's not like i feel the same about it on every single day
it varies
i think that's probably normal or whatever

[You don't know his life, maybe he can!!]

I dunno if I'll ever forgive her so like, don't get me wrong, this kinda peace we've got isn't cause I've forgiven her

It was just fucking exhausting being angry all the time

[Deeply, deeply exhausting.]

But it's Candlenights and I spent all but one in the last decade alone cause of her and Lup spent all of hers in a damn umbrella. And now it's like none of it ever happened for her. Everything's back to normal.

[While Taako and Lup are still dealing with the consequences every day.]

i get that.

[ Cisco had seen how exhausting it was for Taako, how it had started to wear him down. But he isn't so sure that peace which is built on a rotten foundation, that leaves Lucretia sleeping soundly and Taako sending out unhappy texts in the middle of the night, is a great solution, either. ]

i know you're not asking for advice here but maybe you should tell her.
especially if it seems like she thinks everything's totally cool now

like if you're stuck thinking about the last 10 shitty candlenights
she should know that you're thinking about them
otherwise it's just not fair, and it's probably just gonna fester
acting like none of it ever happened isn't gonna be good for her or you or lup or anybody

Acting like bad shit never happened is the Taako speciality

[It's not a denial of anything Cisco has said, because Taako knows he's probably right, it's just - he is good at this. Or used to be.]

I don't wanna start another fight

[The thought of it makes him want to hide under the blankets and never come out.]

oh i know
and don't get me wrong your technique's impeccable
and this is coming from a veteran of denial
i know a pro when i see one

but all it ever does is leave you feeling like shit and hiding it
while everybody else forgets
and then you can't even talk about it at all
am i right?

[ Cisco had pretended everything was fine for a long time, after he'd been killed. Enough that, once it got to the point where he could no longer fool himself into believing it would all go away on its own, it felt completely impossible even thinking about telling his friends what was going on. ]

doesn't have to be a fight.
maybe you could write it down?
like a letter or make it into a story or something
lucretia gets stories.
maybe that'll be easier than trying to say it out loud
and that way she might not get so defensive and things won't escalate

Never talking about it isn't always a bad thing, my dude

[He's great at not talking about things, and he's a hypocrite especially after all his talks with Rin about it being okay to have feelings.

But obviously it's different for him.]

Cisco, pumpkin, you know I adore you but are you really telling me to write a story about my feelings

[Like he's met Taako, right?]

not in theory
like talking SUCKS don't get me wrong but
how's not talking working out for you right now?

[ That's about as close to tough love as Cisco gets, but the fact is, from the sound of it, this has been eating away at Taako for a while now. He wouldn't have texted Cisco if some part of him didn't want to communicate about all this, even if it's only to Cisco and not Lucretia herself. ]

ok yeah
you got a point
that one sounded better in my head

[ He'd been thinking about ways that Lucretia might listen and really hear him, and not thinking about things Taako had any remote chance of actually doing. ]

If you wanna get technical I am talking about it, just you know, not to her

[He's being difficult, but it's not really on purpose, he's just... difficult by nature, where this sort of thing is concerned.]

I could say she wouldn't get all defensive but I fucking know her, that's like her speciality

Honestly I bet she'd love it if I was angry now, she can be a martyr again

[That's unkind.]

true

[ Privately, Cisco thinks that what Lucretia probably wants is for Taako not to have been hurt in the first place, for her plan to have gone perfectly and just as planned. But that's not how it works, and it's not how people work. She can't make Taako better ]

she was pretty defensive the one time i tried to talk to her about all that.

[ Cisco's wary of talking badly about Lucretia to Taako, but that much he at least feels justified in saying. He doesn't think even Lucretia would deny that. ]

seems like you are angry now
whether or not you let her know that's up to you
but i don't think we're in 'if' territory, dude.

She did the whole like, full apology and actually admitted she fucked up not long after I got high and crawled into bed with her but who knows if she wouldn't get back on her bullshit again

[Those are a bunch of embarrassing facts to drop but it's Cisco so whatever.]

I don't wanna fuck up Candlenights for Lulu

i'm super glad she did that

[ As far as Cisco's concerned, there's nothing embarrassing about any of that. A little sad, maybe. Sad in that hard and complicated way that things could only be with family, because Taako clearly loves Lucretia so much, but that doesn't change what she'd done and what it had done to him. ]

of course you don't.
cuz you're a good brother.
that's probably why you're talking about this with me and not her, right?

[Sometimes he thinks it's the only thing he's good at.]

A little bit of that but also like, she forgave Lucretia so easily. As if it didn't matter

oh.

[ Cisco can see how that would make being honest with Lup about this stuff difficult. Which means that there's a wedge - however small - between the twins that wasn't there before, and that's yet another thing Lucretia has done. ]

completely?
does lup trust her now?

[ Doesn't compute tbh. ]

"Lucretia, dear, I've already forgotten about the whole thing"

And then they hugged, it was real fucking touching

[ Cisco just blinks at that text for a few moments. ]

yeah no shade to lup but that seems kinda naïve. and a bit messed up.

[ Maybe Lup hadn't known at that time, how much Lucretia's decision had hurt Taako. Otherwise it's just hard to reconcile it, that she could so easily forgive someone who had hurt her brother that much. Even if it was someone else she considered family. ]

This was like, just after we figured out how to save the world and shit. Magnus and Merle hugged Lucretia cause she started crying, it was all very touching

[And he's very bitter, still, apparently]

and you were the only one who wasn't immediately all kumbaya and 'forgiveness is good for the soul'?

[ Cisco can't imagine how hard that must have been - to feel like his friends had abandoned him, had sided with Lucretia without a moment's hesitation, in spite of everything. ]

Davenport and Barry weren't that into the hug, but it's not like we got to have a fucking talk about it

Merle didn't give a shit, he was happy to let Lup stay dead cause he didn't wanna leave his kids

[That's not really fair, but all he can hear is Merle not caring that Taako lost the one thing that mattered to him.]

and now neither of them are here

[ Cisco doesn't know much about Merle, but he thinks he probably wasn't happy about it. Nobody who'd spent 100 years with Lup could be happy about the idea of her staying dead. But he doesn't doubt Taako, that Merle had chosen his own children over Lup, quickly and decisively enough that it must have hurt Taako a great deal. ]

well shit.

[ There's not a whole lot else TO say. This isn't something Cisco's going to be able to fix. All he can do is listen, and let Taako know that somebody's on his side. ]

sounds like it was a mess.

[Cisco, of course, manages to hit at the crux of the issue. Taako has a feeling this would be easier to deal with if he had Barry or Davenport here, two people who were hurt by Lucretia as much as he was, who might hold onto that anger for longer than Lup or Magnus did.

It's stupid how much he misses Barry. Not as much as Lup must miss him, but it still hurts more than he thought it ever would.]

The world was ending, we were all arguing over how to stop it, it was a huge mess. I dunno what comes next

i don't know, either.
but whatever it is, i don't think there's a wrong way to deal with the lucretia stuff
lup and magnus love her but they love you, too
they can't forgive her for what she did to you. only you can do that.

[ Cisco hesitates, before he adds the next bit. He's not sure if he should, if it will be crossing over some kind of invisible line. But it's late, and his heart is aching for Taako, so he writes: ]

i don't know if this helps at all (it probably doesn't) but i haven't forgotten
and i'm not going to. ever.
since things have calmed down between you two i've been talking to her more but
it's not like it never happened.

[It's not crossing a line. If anything, Taako sits there and reads the text and tries not to get too fucking emotional about it, because that's exactly what it felt like. It felt like Merle and Magnus and Lup just forgot what happened, that it didn't matter enough, how Lucretia fucked him up. So it's a lot, for Cisco to say the opposite.]

Thanks, pumpkin. It helps.

[It's not a whole lot of words, but that's because he's busy fighting down the tightness in his throat and the threat of tears. This was probably a dumb idea, since now he's all worked up about this, but... he feels better, a little less twisted up. And that's something.]

[ Cisco speaks Taako well enough by this point to know that sometimes, less means a whole lot more. ]

you sure you don't wanna hang out?

[ He's careful to phrase it that way, rather than the more honest are you sure you don't need me to be near you so you aren't alone right now. Give Taako some emotional deniability. ]

there's a new 24 hour diner a few blocks from here i've been meaning to try out
and you know it's a crime to go to a 24 hour diner while the sun's up so
it could be a perfect opportunity
get some milkshakes and see if they're everything they're cracked up to be

I totally appreciate the offer, but I think I'm just gonna like, go back to bed

[He doesn't trust himself to be in public, even if it's somewhere quiet, even with Cisco.

So he offers a compromise, instead:]

I'll bring a coffee by your workshop tomorrow instead?

sounds good to me.
☕️ 💯 👏🏽
sleep well.

(no subject)

spellslots - 2017-12-20 03:42 (UTC) - Expand