Yeah exactly. And if anyone can find a way it's you.
[And that sounds ominous.]
...that sounds promising. I'm hunting down groceries. I'll meet you at your place?
[And he turns right away toward the closest door. The trip to Cisco's place takes more time than usual, because he's feeling more than a little hesitant about what Cisco might have to say.]
[He smiles weakly, shrugs his shoulders. It wasn't an easy conversation, for all that parts of it had been promising, becaus the topic dredged up a lot of things in him he'd rather be over, however unrealistic that is.]
Nothing relevant, I don't think. That I definitely changed my fate and was not meant to die early, which makes me an anomaly, which Stein already told me before I died.
[A beat, and then, as casually as he can, as if he could keep it from being as big a deal to Cisco as it is to him.]
[ Cisco wishes it weren't too late to change his mind about telling Eddie about the singularity, because he just knows Eddie is going to think that is his fault, and he'll be undoing any comfort Rip was able to give him. But... this is a bandaid that needs to get ripped off. Might as well do it, now. Well, as soon as he gets Eddie sitting down on the edge of the bed, and he's sitting close, their knees touching. ]
Yeah, about that. I sorta guessed it wasn't... supposed to happen like that.
[ He runs a hand nervously through his hair, before saying all in a rush. ]
You know I told you about that singularity opening up over the city? Well... I didn't- what I didn't mention is it happened right after you died. I mean, right after. Like. Because you died when you weren't supposed to, I guess. Which you couldn't have known would happen. None of us knew. And it probably wouldn't have happened if the fabric of reality weren't already stretched thin between Barry going back in time and everything Dr. Wells had done and all the rest of it.
[The feeling of dread starts building the moment Cisco gets him sitting down - the fact he wants him sitting, close but not holding his hand, only serves to heighten the feeling. His breathing is already a little short by the time Cisco says 'yeah, about that' - a phrase that has never preceded something good.
Eddie listens quietly and slowly the dread gives way to horror and shock. Eddie isn't looking at Cisco when he finishes speaking, he's staring straight ahead, his lips parted, and he realizes he's taking short, hitched, too-fast breaths.
The singularity had been his fault. The singularity that had destroyed a large part of the city, had killed people, had killed Ronnie, whose wedding to Caitlin he'd attended hours before his death, who Cisco had loved like family. His breath speeds up a little more, and he pulls away from Cisco, not wanting to touch him despite all the excuses Cisco had just made on his behalf.
Eddie had killed those people, destroyed part of the city, killed Ronnie only a few hours after his wedding, while trying to be a damn hero. His breath catches in his throat with a strangled little hiccup noise and he stands abruptly, steps away from the bed, starts pacing aimlessly with both hands up and twined into his hair, pulling hard.
Waste of a life, waste of a man.
Somehow he'd managed to be even worse an influence on the timeline, on the people in his life and the lives of people he cares about, than Eobard had said, and it's his own damn fault. His breath hitches again and he realizes his eyes are stinging and his chest is aching and his throat is closed off so he can't apologize to Cisco the way he wants to. Can't babble apologies and beg for some way to get redemption and communicate how much he hates himself right now.]
[ He'd thought Eddie might take it badly, and he'd been right. Not because it reminded him of his own death - they've both gotten better at talking about that without letting it get to them too much. No, this is guilt, pure and simple. Cisco can almost see the puzzle pieces clicking together in Eddie's mind. Cisco knows Barry didn't mention the singularity to him at all, the last time he'd checked, and Cisco himself hadn't told him much. Only that it happened, that there had been some damage, some casualties. That Ronnie had been one of them.
Cisco watches as Eddie's breath goes strained and his eyes take on that distant, hollow look that Cisco hates. When Eddie first pulls away, Cisco lets him have his space. But then Eddie stands up and starts pacing, pulling at his hair, and that's when Cisco gets really alarmed. It's hitting him worse than he'd expected. ]
Hey, hey hey...
[ Cisco stands, too, gets right in Eddie's way, reaches up and stops him by gripping his shoulders. Eddie recoils from him at first, but Cisco doesn't let him. When Eddie is upset, he withdraws, retreats into himself, and Cisco isn't going to allow it. Not when he is right here. So he brings his hands up to cover Eddie's, to pull them out of his hair, as gently as he can, but as insistently as he needs to. Then Cisco hugs Eddie, pulls his head down to rest against Cisco's shoulder, cradles it there as he says: ]
Eddie- you. What you did, it saved our lives. Saved my life. If you hadn't stopped him, who knows how many more people Dr. Wells would have killed. And... and for all we know he would have done something on his own to upset the timeline enough to open up a singularity. He was so dead-set on getting home.
[ Cisco wants desperately to be able to tell Eddie that it wasn't his death that caused the singularity, or that the destruction hadn't been all that bad. But he can't lie to him. As painful as the truth is. After all, if they're working on finding a way of bringing him back home, he would find out the full extent of it sooner or later. ]
[Eddie's lost enough in his own head that he doesn't register when Cisco stands up - it's only when Cisco is suddenly in front of him and grabbing for his shoulders that he really sees him. And he feels guilty for it, but he can't stop himself from recoiling. It's partly a startle response, and partly because Eddie is having one of those moments where being touched feels like too much and all he wants is to have his own space, to push people away from him, to retreat somewhere safe until he can put the smiles back on.
So his whole body is rigid as Cisco keeps his hands insistently in place, then reaches up to take his hands, pull them out of his hair. He's still stiff as Cisco holds them, his heart hammering in his chest and his breath still too fast and too light, but his eyes find Cisco's face. Search it for any sign of rejection or hatred or betrayal at Eddie being the one to hurt his friends this time, to hurt his family. But there's nothing.
Instead, Cisco reaches up to take hold of him, pulling him down by the shoulder, pressing his head against his shoulder, face tucked into the crook of his neck, and Eddie stays stiff for just a moment before his whole body slumps. It's terrible, to be accepting comfort from Cisco when he's killed people trying to be a hero, killed someone Cisco cares about. But still, guiltily, hating himself, he lets his arms come up and wrap loosely around Cisco's waist, acknowledging the comfort, inhaling the scent of him.
Eddie can feel his brain starting to go a little muddled, to fall into that sneaky pattern of self-flagellation he'd gotten into the habit of during those weeks under S.T.A.R. Labs, thinking himself in circles. He can feel it starting, and so he tries to focus, to shut down, to listen to what Cisco is saying.
And having someone here who cares, who was directly affected, who doesn't seem angry at him, doesn't blame him - it helps. He's thought so many times that one of the things he cherishes about having a relationship is having someone on his side, someone to support him. And Cisco is doing that. But it's not fair to let him do it at his own expense, and so after a few moments, Eddie speaks, voice rough and hoarse.]
[ Cisco's voice has gone low, too, and there is no trace of anger or blame in it. He had almost said you didn't kill anyone, but of course, that's not true. Eddie had killed himself, after all. And even if there were reasons, and even though Cisco is trying to find a way to undo it... that had still happened.
But he is immensely relieved when Eddie hugs him back and he feels the tension bleeding out of him. Cisco can work with this. He can be a comfort, because he's been there. ]
Look... I know how you feel right now. Or, I think I do, anyway. It's probably pretty much exactly how I felt after the particle accelerator I spent years helping to build exploded and a lot of people died. I carried that around for a long time. But y'know what? That wasn't any more my fault than the singularity was yours. There was no way you could know... and it wasn't only what you did. It was all of us, helping Barry go back in time in the first place. It was- Eobard, putting you in the position where you felt like you had to do what you did.
[ Cisco's arms tighten around Eddie, voice going fervent as he adds: ]
Ronnie sacrificed himself, just like you did. He and Stein flew into the singularity and then separated so their energy would close it. He knew the risks, and he made that choice. You were both heroes.
[After a few minutes, it's easier to relax and let Cisco hold him, cradle him against his shoulder and neck, and Eddie's arms tighten around his waist a little, clinging to him. So he stays still and accepts the comfort, and when Cisco starts talking he listens, because Cisco always knows what to say, to make everything better. Because Cisco approaches things in a different way than he does, he thinks in a way that gives him more options, and Cisco had said it himself - Eddie traps himself in one outcome and gives up. Cisco doesn't. Eddie is ready to abandon himself to having failed in yet another way. But Cisco isn't.
And Cisco explains, sympathizes from a place of empathy and understanding and shared experience at carrying the weight of something that wasn't his fault. It's hard, for Eddie to refuse to accept responsibility for the singularity - his entire life, he's been pushed to accept responsibility, to be responsible, and it's hard to let go of that. But he tries, because even if he doesn't believe in himself right now, Cisco does.
And then he explains more about the circumstances of Ronnie's death, that he'd made the choice to do what he did, that he was a hero. And Cisco calls them both heroes, but Eddie has a hard time believing that about himself. He shakes his head, takes a shuddery breath, can't bring himself to lift his head when he speaks, because he can't see Cisco's face right now.]
I just...I keep thinking I shouldn't have done it. That I could have found another way, I just...there was no right choice to make. But it sounds like such an excuse, when I did so much damage.
[ Cisco keeps holding onto Eddie, bringing his hand down to rub at his back, mindless soothing circles. As hard as it is seeing him like this, it's better than letting him shut himself off, internalize all this and come out the other end hating himself, feeling like he is a failure or worthless or any of the other awful things Cisco knows he thinks about himself sometimes. ]
Listen. The only damage you did, the only damage you did was to yourself. Everything else, the singularity, that was because of Eobard. Because he choose to come back in time hundreds of years to kill a kid and then got stuck and spent a decade messing with the timeline all because he was selfish and didn't care how many people he hurt trying to get home. So if you wanna blame someone, blame him. You were being selfless and just trying to save as many people as you could in the best way you knew how. And... and even if shooting yourself was a mistake, it doesn't make you guilty of all the stuff you had no control over.
[ Cisco doesn't know if he ought to tell Eddie he had done the right thing, sacrificing his life. Maybe he should, but he can't bring himself to. If Eddie hadn't done it, Cisco knows he might have died, they all might have died. But he also knows that Eddie's snap decision to kill himself had been about more than just nobly saving all of them. That was a big part of it, but there had also been other factors. And Cisco doesn't really want to discourage him regretting that decision, because some part of him is still scared Eddie will think it's a viable option in the future, if Eobard goes back to his old tricks. ]
[Despite Cisco's reassurances, his comfort, the way he holds him and tries to get through to him, to explain why it wasn't his fault, why the only person he'd hurt that day had been himself, Eddie has a hard time with it. The guilt is a living thing, worming into his chest, his gut; the sense of failure is even worse, like a nail driven into him.
Cisco's words are good, but it's almost impossible to really believe them. Even if Cisco believes it, even if he's earnest, even if it makes sense, Eddie can't bring himself to throw all that blame on Eobard. There had to have been a way that didn't hurt anyone, or at least hurt fewer people. There's no way to think of himself as selfless anymore - he had died thinking he was a hero, but he had only managed to hurt people, destroy things, and hurt the people he loved.
Burying his face into Cisco's neck, he hides for a while, inhaling the comforting scent of him, letting him rub his back with strong, warm hands, comforting himself with Cisco's presence. For a moment, the desire to push Cisco away overwhelms the desire for comfort, because he doesn't deserve something so nice. Doesn't deserve to be cared about or loved, Eobard had made that intensely clear, and Eobard had been right about it, he thinks. Useless, and damaging.
Breath hitching again, he bites the inside of his lip, and is quiet, for a few moments. Unable to speak, he expresses what he's feeling by closing his fists into the back of Cisco's shirt, fingers digging into fabric.]
[ He doesn't know what else to say, what else to do, except to keep holding him. This isn't the first time Cisco has found himself in a situation like this. After the singularity, Barry had blamed himself, had gone all lone wolf and cut off his friends and his loved ones for months. He thought it was his fault because he'd taken Eobard's devil's bargain and gone back to save his mom, only to change his mind. And Caitlin, too, had held herself responsible for Ronnie's death, had gone off to be alone with her grief at Mercury Labs.
For just a moment, Cisco wonders if he'll lose Eddie for a while, too, over this. But he shoves that thought down as far as he can, out of sight. ]
[He's not sure why Cisco is apologizing, when none of this was his fault. Cisco was one of the blameless ones, him and Iris and Joe, Ronnie and Caitlin. The people who hadn't done anything to contribute to what had happened, people who were victims. Even if he throws all the fault on Eobard, Eobard is still his responsibility, his descendant, his fault. Eobard came from him, and he can't just ignore that either. Eddie was the one who deserved to die because of Eobard, and no one else. Not Ronnie. Not anyone.
His eyes squeeze closed and he shivers a little, exhaling a rush of breath, resting his weight against Cisco, and when Cisco begs him to let him help, for Eddie to talk to him, he swallows hard, gnaws at his lower lip. With his brain going a million miles an hour, all sickening guilt that burns in his gut like acid, it's hard to work out what words he could say that would make sense.
After a moment, he exhales shakily, and speaks, his voice a little hitched.]
Why? Just because he's your great, great, great grandson, or whatever?! How is that on you? [ Cisco keeps smoothing his hand over Eddie's back as he speaks. ] I get it. In whatever distant way, he's family, and family stuff's complicated. But Eddie... don't you get it that saying it's your fault makes no sense. You didn't raise him. You didn't raise whoever raised him. It's so far removed... I don't even know who my great great great grandfather was. But I do know that, whoever he was, he certainly wasn't responsible for making me a good person, or a bad person, or an engineer, or whatever.
[ Cisco knows that Eddie's feeling of guilt isn't coming from a place of logic, that logical arguments probably aren't the way to alleviate it. But the idea that Eddie is responsible for Eobard is abhorrent to him - moreso than he would have anticipated. He takes a moment to sift through his thoughts, to understand why that line of reasoning upsets him. Once he realizes, he speaks again, quietly but firmly. ]
Look, I know- I know how easy it is, to see everything as your own personal fuck-up. But don't you see... trying to assign blame to other people for the things he did, that's a slippery slope. Is Barry responsible for Eobard, because he was the one he came back to kill? Is the real Harrison Wells, for providing him an identity he could use that people would trust? Am I responsible for him, for not saying the right thing at the right moment to make him change his ways?
[As much as Cisco might not think logic would work, it does have a surprisingly strong impact on Eddie. Empathetic and emotional as he is, he's a logical person. He understands cause and effect, action and consequence, and when Cisco explains things the way he does, it makes sense. Especially when he equates it to his own life, what he knows about his own family tree.
It makes sense, and it alleviates some of Eddie's fears. His body relaxes a little as he rests against Cisco, lets his strong hands rub firm gentle circles against his back. He accepts the comfort for a few moments, and listens. When Cisco starts equating it to things that Barry or Harrison or Cisco himself could have done to stop Eobard, he starts shaking his head a little, breath catching in his throat, because that's not how it is in his head. It's not the reasoning he was following.]
No, no. [He lifts his head so he can look at Cisco, jaw a little tight against the embarrassment of knowing his eyes are red-rimmed and stinging, even if he hasn't cried. But he wants to be looking Cisco in the face when he says it.]
I know that I didn't do anything to make him the way he is, and there's nothing...absolutely nothing, that you or Barry or Harrison did wrong to make him the way he is. No one could have changed that. [He swallows hard, and he can't hold eye contact, not while saying the next part.]
What is my fault is that he exists in the first place. He came from me, my bloodline. I'm not naive enough to think there's some evil lurking in my genetics or anything, but if I hadn't done what people do...if I hadn't fallen in love, had a family...he wouldn't exist. Me, doing those things, that's why he had a chance to become what he became for whatever reason he did. If I'd just...if I hadn't been so selfish, insisting on...
[He shakes his head, swallows hard past a dry lump in his throat.]
That's why I was the only one who deserved to die to take him out of the timeline. Not Ronnie, not any of the other people who were hurt or killed by the singularity. Just me. It should only, ever, have been me.
[ Cisco hates to see Eddie like this; trying hard to open up but still keeping his emotions in check, still controlling himself, because he thinks he needs to. The way Eddie's gaze slides from his makes Cisco's stomach sink with unhappiness. ]
How is any of that selfish? [ His voice is small when he says it, and Cisco brings his hands up to cup Eddie's face. ] There had to be at least a dozen other people who did the same thing to give him that chance. Whoever would've had your kid, and whoever would've married them, and were their parents to blame, too? What about your child's child?
[ Perhaps it is because he hasn't put as much thought into having kids as Eddie had, hadn't wanted it the same way he did, but Cisco still doesn't understand. Except he can hear the strain in Eddie's voice, and his own has started to go a bit funny as he cuts in to say, with a vehemence that's coming close to anger. ]
You didn't deserve to die. Please, Eddie. Please don't say that. It shouldn't have been you. The fact that they died and it's wrong doesn't mean that you dying was right.
[It isn't that he's afraid of showing Cisco how he feels - it's a complicated thing, the desire to keep his composure. An ingrained response, a desire not to look stupid and weak, a desire not to be seen that way. It had always helped him, to keep pushing those things down somewhere deep inside himself so he could remain functional. Iris had always allowed it, had never pushed hard to make him express himself.
Cisco doesn't make it easy to keep things bottled up. When his hands come up to cup Eddie's face, he glances up at him, his blue eyes flicking up to Cisco's dark ones for a moment before he looks down again. Cisco is always fighting on his behalf, it seems, feeling so intensely all the things Eddie should probably be expressing and can't bring himself to. Cisco is reassuring him, protective of him, almost angry on his behalf as he tells him he didn't deserve to die.
After a few moments, after Cisco is done speaking, he finally manages to hold eye contact, takes a few shaky breaths.]
I wanted to be perfect. [It seems so simple.] Have a good career and a family. If I'd just stopped wanting that for myself and stayed the fat kid, I probably wouldn't have had any of that, and... [He shrugs.] That sounds really stupid, doesn't it? Now that I said it out loud, it sounds really stupid.
[For a moment, he's still. Quiet. He doesn't do well at this, expressing himself. He isn't good at it. It's hard to know what to say to people, but after a moment he speaks again.]
[ That's... a lot to mull over. It sounds like, at the bottom of it all, Eddie thinks he never deserved happiness. And happiness, as he saw it then (sees it still, probably) is all those things - career, family, fitting in, being fit, being 'perfect'. Things that someone as flawed and only-human as him didn't deserve.
He keeps quiet while Eddie tries to find the words, until he asks his question. ]
No one. The answer's no one.
[ Eddie's eyes look even bluer than usual, with his eyes so red; Cisco doesn't look away from them as he speaks. This strain in Eddie reminds Cisco so much of Barry - that impetus towards heroism comes with a corresponding pride that tends to take responsibility for everything under the sun. For each of them, Cisco knows, that desire to save everyone comes from pain. For Barry, it's the pain of what was done to his mother, the injustice of what happened to his father. For Eddie, he thinks it comes from an idea that he can only have self-worth in the service of others, that being a hero is his way of justifying his own existence on the planet.
Cisco wishes he could make him see that he doesn't need that justification. That it's okay to be flawed - that it's okay to just be. ]
You're not wrong for wanting to be happy. And you're not wrong for... living your life the way you want to, and being the person you wanna be. Whoever that person is. Not sure I really buy the whole 'perfection or bust' mindset, but that's neither here nor there right now. Eobard and everything he did aren't some kind of... comeuppance for your hubris, Eddie.
[Sometimes it catches him off-guard when Cisco stays still and listens to him and the expression on his face clearly communicates that he's taking it in, that he's processing it, that he's taking time with Eddie's words and thoughts, his feelings, and for a moment, his heart and his belly tense up because it's so strange to be heard like this. No one has ever really taken time to hear him, to put this much thought into what he's saying and unravel it for him because they want to make him feel better.
His throat is tight and for a few moments, after Cisco finishes speaking, he can't talk. Instead, he just leans his head forward and presses it against Cisco's forehead, breathes carefully, a ragged and trembling thing.]
I guess I just... [He holds his breath for a second, because speaking is hard, physically and mentally. It's hard to come out and say the things he has in his mind because they always sound so stupid out loud.] ...I thought that doing what I did would fix it. That it would be a sacrifice that was worth it and realizing what happened afterward, I thought...maybe it wasn't. Because I just hurt more people.
[His hands come up to cup Cisco's face between them, and he swallows hard, past a lump in his throat.] I saved you, though. [It's breathed out, almost a whisper.] And you make me so happy.
[Another shaky exhalation, and he brushes his thumbs against Cisco's cheekbones, hands still on either side of his face.] Why are you so good to me?
It doesn't work like that. The universe doesn't operate on scales of like... righteousness, or worthiness. Not really. Stuff just happens, and we try to do our best, but sometimes things are just... out of our control.
[ Cisco knows how tempting it can be to think that way. That it's possible to balance the equation - portion out the right amount of penance and things will be okay. But it's just an illusion; the randomness of the universe doesn't care about right or wrong. Which doesn't mean people should stop trying to do right, of course. But for different reasons. ]
You did save me.
[ He remembers it all too well - the way he'd flown through the air when Barry broke the time ship, how the Reverse Flash had sworn he was going to kill Barry, then him and Joe, and then Caitlin and Stein and everyone else...
When Eddie asks why Cisco is so good to him, it makes his chest ache a little. Logically, he knows he's asked the same question himself a dozen times at least, knows the exact emotional place it comes from. Which is why he hates with such vehemence the idea that Eddie is asking it, that he feels so unworthy of being treated kindly that it leaves him confused. ]
Gosh, I don't know. Guess I must like you or somethin'.
[ He kisses Eddie, then. Not for too long, and not too insistent. More of a gesture than a kiss. His voice is quieter as he adds, more seriously: ]
[It doesn't seem fair. It's hard to wrap his head around the idea that he hadn't done anything wrong, that he couldn't have done anything different, that he hadn't screwed things up somehow. That if he'd just behaved in a different way, done different things, then none of this would have happened. He wouldn't have died, Cisco and Iris and Barry and Joe and everyone else wouldn't have been hurt. Whenever he thinks about Eobard, tries to make it make sense in his head, the only thing that works is that Eddie had done something wrong by wanting a family.]
I guess it's easier to blame myself than accept that.
[His voice is soft, rough, and he falls quiet as Cisco teases him, then leans in to kiss him and afterward says in a voice that's softer and more honest that he thinks Eddie is a good person, and he deserves it. A weak but genuine smile crosses Eddie's face, and he leans in to press a soft kiss against Cisco's lower lip, then sighs softly.]
You're so good, and I just don't know how you put up with my moping sometimes. [A little laugh, equally weak, and he closes his eyes for a moment.] I'll make it up to you. I promise.
[ Funny, how similar the two of them can be. If the situation were reversed, Cisco knows he would be saying the exact same thing. Eddie's helped him through far worse than just moping - to him, it seems only too obvious that the scales are tipped so that he is the one who owes the debt. But it's much easier to say I'm not "putting up" with you than it is to actually believe it. ]
Don't worry about it. Lemme take care of you for once, okay?
[ With that, Cisco gently nudges Eddie back towards the bed, arm looped around his lower back. Part of him wants to tell Eddie that he can just let it out, that he'll feel better if he just cries and gets it out of his system. But he knows better than that by now. It's more difficult for Eddie than it is for him, letting certain kinds of vulnerability show. What he needs is patience, not advice or commentary. ]
I'm glad you talked to Rip. He's gotta know something that'll be helpful.
[ Because he doesn't want Eddie only thinking about the past - not when there's a future ahead of them in which the chances of being able to save him just got a little bit better. ]
[It's very difficult for Eddie to be the one who is vulnerable or hurt, and usually he'd push it down, bury it under smiles and activity. But Cisco can read him too well for that now, is too attentive, and it both hurts and feels good that Cisco is seeing this ugly weak part of himself and is somehow, impossibly, still here. Eddie is so used to people liking him because he smiles, because he is strong and capable of providing support, and even still, whenever he shows this part of himself, he expects it to be a turn-off. That he won't be appealing or sexy anymore, because of his weakness. An object of pity instead of admiration.
So when Cisco wraps an arm around his back and asks to be allowed to take care of him, walks to the bed with him and sits close, it makes his throat tight all over again. He settles and nods and can't reply because he can't talk past the lump in his throat until Cisco changes the subject.]
So am I. Most of what he said went totally over my head, but I thought you'd probably understand it. And he seemed pretty willing to help. It kind of surprised me, since he seemed kinda harsh at first. I thought he might be mad that I messed up the timeline, but...
[Rip had also said it was beyond his control, that he couldn't help it. Its just hard to accept or believe.]
[ Cisco makes a small scoffing noise when Eddie says he thought Rip would be mad, rubbing his hand against Eddie's back once again when they've sat down. ]
If what I've heard from Ray's true, he's personally done a hell of a lot more to mess up the timeline than you. Than either of us.
[ They'd nearly changed the outcome of the Cold War: that's bigger than Eddie erasing one man from existence by killing himself, even with the singularity factored in. But Cisco isn't actually judgmental of the fact that Rip's intervened. Quite the opposite. ]
That's good, though. It means when he says he's willing to help, he means it. He's willing to do the right thing even if it's hard. And saving you's the right thing, so... he'll have our backs, probably. Which is awesome.
[ Cisco turns to plant a kiss on Eddie's temple. There are no guarantees, but Cisco isn't going to let his optimism flag. He'll believe enough for the both of them, work hard enough, and they'll find a way. He knows they will. ]
Well Ray said that instead of just asking, he just grabbed all of them and then showed them what the world would look like if they didn't stop Savage. I don't think tact's really his thing, somehow.
[Cisco's hand presses against his back, warm and supportive, and Eddie lets his eyes fall closed. They still sting, feel gritty with the pressure of needing to cry but not wanting to. It's still weighing on him, heavy, the guilt and the grief and the sense of shame, the crushing feeling of failure - he has a feeling it's going to be there, lurking, for a long time, ready to surface the moment he's not thinking enough. As much as he believes Cisco, as he believes he means what he's saying, this is something that's going to take a long time to pass, he thinks.
For now, he tries to go along with what Cisco is doing, distracting and focusing on the positive, listens to him talking about what he knows about Rip, about what that might mean for him and his future. For their future.]
You're right. He seems like that kind of person. I'm not sure I trust him yet, but...it might mean something good.
[Eddie takes another breath, then shifts against the bed, leans over and rests his head against Cisco's shoulder, swallows hard.]
I could use more good. Getting closer to being able to go home. [A shaky exhalation.] What do you think life would be like? Back home?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[And that sounds ominous.]
...that sounds promising. I'm hunting down groceries. I'll meet you at your place?
[And he turns right away toward the closest door. The trip to Cisco's place takes more time than usual, because he's feeling more than a little hesitant about what Cisco might have to say.]
no subject
Has he texted you back anything else?
[ Who's stalling? Not Cisco. ]
no subject
Nothing relevant, I don't think. That I definitely changed my fate and was not meant to die early, which makes me an anomaly, which Stein already told me before I died.
[A beat, and then, as casually as he can, as if he could keep it from being as big a deal to Cisco as it is to him.]
That it wasn't my fault.
no subject
Yeah, about that. I sorta guessed it wasn't... supposed to happen like that.
[ He runs a hand nervously through his hair, before saying all in a rush. ]
You know I told you about that singularity opening up over the city? Well... I didn't- what I didn't mention is it happened right after you died. I mean, right after. Like. Because you died when you weren't supposed to, I guess. Which you couldn't have known would happen. None of us knew. And it probably wouldn't have happened if the fabric of reality weren't already stretched thin between Barry going back in time and everything Dr. Wells had done and all the rest of it.
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Eddie listens quietly and slowly the dread gives way to horror and shock. Eddie isn't looking at Cisco when he finishes speaking, he's staring straight ahead, his lips parted, and he realizes he's taking short, hitched, too-fast breaths.
The singularity had been his fault. The singularity that had destroyed a large part of the city, had killed people, had killed Ronnie, whose wedding to Caitlin he'd attended hours before his death, who Cisco had loved like family. His breath speeds up a little more, and he pulls away from Cisco, not wanting to touch him despite all the excuses Cisco had just made on his behalf.
Eddie had killed those people, destroyed part of the city, killed Ronnie only a few hours after his wedding, while trying to be a damn hero. His breath catches in his throat with a strangled little hiccup noise and he stands abruptly, steps away from the bed, starts pacing aimlessly with both hands up and twined into his hair, pulling hard.
Waste of a life, waste of a man.
Somehow he'd managed to be even worse an influence on the timeline, on the people in his life and the lives of people he cares about, than Eobard had said, and it's his own damn fault. His breath hitches again and he realizes his eyes are stinging and his chest is aching and his throat is closed off so he can't apologize to Cisco the way he wants to. Can't babble apologies and beg for some way to get redemption and communicate how much he hates himself right now.]
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Cisco watches as Eddie's breath goes strained and his eyes take on that distant, hollow look that Cisco hates. When Eddie first pulls away, Cisco lets him have his space. But then Eddie stands up and starts pacing, pulling at his hair, and that's when Cisco gets really alarmed. It's hitting him worse than he'd expected. ]
Hey, hey hey...
[ Cisco stands, too, gets right in Eddie's way, reaches up and stops him by gripping his shoulders. Eddie recoils from him at first, but Cisco doesn't let him. When Eddie is upset, he withdraws, retreats into himself, and Cisco isn't going to allow it. Not when he is right here. So he brings his hands up to cover Eddie's, to pull them out of his hair, as gently as he can, but as insistently as he needs to. Then Cisco hugs Eddie, pulls his head down to rest against Cisco's shoulder, cradles it there as he says: ]
Eddie- you. What you did, it saved our lives. Saved my life. If you hadn't stopped him, who knows how many more people Dr. Wells would have killed. And... and for all we know he would have done something on his own to upset the timeline enough to open up a singularity. He was so dead-set on getting home.
[ Cisco wants desperately to be able to tell Eddie that it wasn't his death that caused the singularity, or that the destruction hadn't been all that bad. But he can't lie to him. As painful as the truth is. After all, if they're working on finding a way of bringing him back home, he would find out the full extent of it sooner or later. ]
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So his whole body is rigid as Cisco keeps his hands insistently in place, then reaches up to take his hands, pull them out of his hair. He's still stiff as Cisco holds them, his heart hammering in his chest and his breath still too fast and too light, but his eyes find Cisco's face. Search it for any sign of rejection or hatred or betrayal at Eddie being the one to hurt his friends this time, to hurt his family. But there's nothing.
Instead, Cisco reaches up to take hold of him, pulling him down by the shoulder, pressing his head against his shoulder, face tucked into the crook of his neck, and Eddie stays stiff for just a moment before his whole body slumps. It's terrible, to be accepting comfort from Cisco when he's killed people trying to be a hero, killed someone Cisco cares about. But still, guiltily, hating himself, he lets his arms come up and wrap loosely around Cisco's waist, acknowledging the comfort, inhaling the scent of him.
Eddie can feel his brain starting to go a little muddled, to fall into that sneaky pattern of self-flagellation he'd gotten into the habit of during those weeks under S.T.A.R. Labs, thinking himself in circles. He can feel it starting, and so he tries to focus, to shut down, to listen to what Cisco is saying.
And having someone here who cares, who was directly affected, who doesn't seem angry at him, doesn't blame him - it helps. He's thought so many times that one of the things he cherishes about having a relationship is having someone on his side, someone to support him. And Cisco is doing that. But it's not fair to let him do it at his own expense, and so after a few moments, Eddie speaks, voice rough and hoarse.]
But I killed Ronnie.
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[ Cisco's voice has gone low, too, and there is no trace of anger or blame in it. He had almost said you didn't kill anyone, but of course, that's not true. Eddie had killed himself, after all. And even if there were reasons, and even though Cisco is trying to find a way to undo it... that had still happened.
But he is immensely relieved when Eddie hugs him back and he feels the tension bleeding out of him. Cisco can work with this. He can be a comfort, because he's been there. ]
Look... I know how you feel right now. Or, I think I do, anyway. It's probably pretty much exactly how I felt after the particle accelerator I spent years helping to build exploded and a lot of people died. I carried that around for a long time. But y'know what? That wasn't any more my fault than the singularity was yours. There was no way you could know... and it wasn't only what you did. It was all of us, helping Barry go back in time in the first place. It was- Eobard, putting you in the position where you felt like you had to do what you did.
[ Cisco's arms tighten around Eddie, voice going fervent as he adds: ]
Ronnie sacrificed himself, just like you did. He and Stein flew into the singularity and then separated so their energy would close it. He knew the risks, and he made that choice. You were both heroes.
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And Cisco explains, sympathizes from a place of empathy and understanding and shared experience at carrying the weight of something that wasn't his fault. It's hard, for Eddie to refuse to accept responsibility for the singularity - his entire life, he's been pushed to accept responsibility, to be responsible, and it's hard to let go of that. But he tries, because even if he doesn't believe in himself right now, Cisco does.
And then he explains more about the circumstances of Ronnie's death, that he'd made the choice to do what he did, that he was a hero. And Cisco calls them both heroes, but Eddie has a hard time believing that about himself. He shakes his head, takes a shuddery breath, can't bring himself to lift his head when he speaks, because he can't see Cisco's face right now.]
I just...I keep thinking I shouldn't have done it. That I could have found another way, I just...there was no right choice to make. But it sounds like such an excuse, when I did so much damage.
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Listen. The only damage you did, the only damage you did was to yourself. Everything else, the singularity, that was because of Eobard. Because he choose to come back in time hundreds of years to kill a kid and then got stuck and spent a decade messing with the timeline all because he was selfish and didn't care how many people he hurt trying to get home. So if you wanna blame someone, blame him. You were being selfless and just trying to save as many people as you could in the best way you knew how. And... and even if shooting yourself was a mistake, it doesn't make you guilty of all the stuff you had no control over.
[ Cisco doesn't know if he ought to tell Eddie he had done the right thing, sacrificing his life. Maybe he should, but he can't bring himself to. If Eddie hadn't done it, Cisco knows he might have died, they all might have died. But he also knows that Eddie's snap decision to kill himself had been about more than just nobly saving all of them. That was a big part of it, but there had also been other factors. And Cisco doesn't really want to discourage him regretting that decision, because some part of him is still scared Eddie will think it's a viable option in the future, if Eobard goes back to his old tricks. ]
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Cisco's words are good, but it's almost impossible to really believe them. Even if Cisco believes it, even if he's earnest, even if it makes sense, Eddie can't bring himself to throw all that blame on Eobard. There had to have been a way that didn't hurt anyone, or at least hurt fewer people. There's no way to think of himself as selfless anymore - he had died thinking he was a hero, but he had only managed to hurt people, destroy things, and hurt the people he loved.
Burying his face into Cisco's neck, he hides for a while, inhaling the comforting scent of him, letting him rub his back with strong, warm hands, comforting himself with Cisco's presence. For a moment, the desire to push Cisco away overwhelms the desire for comfort, because he doesn't deserve something so nice. Doesn't deserve to be cared about or loved, Eobard had made that intensely clear, and Eobard had been right about it, he thinks. Useless, and damaging.
Breath hitching again, he bites the inside of his lip, and is quiet, for a few moments. Unable to speak, he expresses what he's feeling by closing his fists into the back of Cisco's shirt, fingers digging into fabric.]
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[ He doesn't know what else to say, what else to do, except to keep holding him. This isn't the first time Cisco has found himself in a situation like this. After the singularity, Barry had blamed himself, had gone all lone wolf and cut off his friends and his loved ones for months. He thought it was his fault because he'd taken Eobard's devil's bargain and gone back to save his mom, only to change his mind. And Caitlin, too, had held herself responsible for Ronnie's death, had gone off to be alone with her grief at Mercury Labs.
For just a moment, Cisco wonders if he'll lose Eddie for a while, too, over this. But he shoves that thought down as far as he can, out of sight. ]
Let me help you? Please? Talk to me?
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His eyes squeeze closed and he shivers a little, exhaling a rush of breath, resting his weight against Cisco, and when Cisco begs him to let him help, for Eddie to talk to him, he swallows hard, gnaws at his lower lip. With his brain going a million miles an hour, all sickening guilt that burns in his gut like acid, it's hard to work out what words he could say that would make sense.
After a moment, he exhales shakily, and speaks, his voice a little hitched.]
I...Eobard is my fault too. My responsibility.
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[ Cisco knows that Eddie's feeling of guilt isn't coming from a place of logic, that logical arguments probably aren't the way to alleviate it. But the idea that Eddie is responsible for Eobard is abhorrent to him - moreso than he would have anticipated. He takes a moment to sift through his thoughts, to understand why that line of reasoning upsets him. Once he realizes, he speaks again, quietly but firmly. ]
Look, I know- I know how easy it is, to see everything as your own personal fuck-up. But don't you see... trying to assign blame to other people for the things he did, that's a slippery slope. Is Barry responsible for Eobard, because he was the one he came back to kill? Is the real Harrison Wells, for providing him an identity he could use that people would trust? Am I responsible for him, for not saying the right thing at the right moment to make him change his ways?
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It makes sense, and it alleviates some of Eddie's fears. His body relaxes a little as he rests against Cisco, lets his strong hands rub firm gentle circles against his back. He accepts the comfort for a few moments, and listens. When Cisco starts equating it to things that Barry or Harrison or Cisco himself could have done to stop Eobard, he starts shaking his head a little, breath catching in his throat, because that's not how it is in his head. It's not the reasoning he was following.]
No, no. [He lifts his head so he can look at Cisco, jaw a little tight against the embarrassment of knowing his eyes are red-rimmed and stinging, even if he hasn't cried. But he wants to be looking Cisco in the face when he says it.]
I know that I didn't do anything to make him the way he is, and there's nothing...absolutely nothing, that you or Barry or Harrison did wrong to make him the way he is. No one could have changed that. [He swallows hard, and he can't hold eye contact, not while saying the next part.]
What is my fault is that he exists in the first place. He came from me, my bloodline. I'm not naive enough to think there's some evil lurking in my genetics or anything, but if I hadn't done what people do...if I hadn't fallen in love, had a family...he wouldn't exist. Me, doing those things, that's why he had a chance to become what he became for whatever reason he did. If I'd just...if I hadn't been so selfish, insisting on...
[He shakes his head, swallows hard past a dry lump in his throat.]
That's why I was the only one who deserved to die to take him out of the timeline. Not Ronnie, not any of the other people who were hurt or killed by the singularity. Just me. It should only, ever, have been me.
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How is any of that selfish? [ His voice is small when he says it, and Cisco brings his hands up to cup Eddie's face. ] There had to be at least a dozen other people who did the same thing to give him that chance. Whoever would've had your kid, and whoever would've married them, and were their parents to blame, too? What about your child's child?
[ Perhaps it is because he hasn't put as much thought into having kids as Eddie had, hadn't wanted it the same way he did, but Cisco still doesn't understand. Except he can hear the strain in Eddie's voice, and his own has started to go a bit funny as he cuts in to say, with a vehemence that's coming close to anger. ]
You didn't deserve to die. Please, Eddie. Please don't say that. It shouldn't have been you. The fact that they died and it's wrong doesn't mean that you dying was right.
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Cisco doesn't make it easy to keep things bottled up. When his hands come up to cup Eddie's face, he glances up at him, his blue eyes flicking up to Cisco's dark ones for a moment before he looks down again. Cisco is always fighting on his behalf, it seems, feeling so intensely all the things Eddie should probably be expressing and can't bring himself to. Cisco is reassuring him, protective of him, almost angry on his behalf as he tells him he didn't deserve to die.
After a few moments, after Cisco is done speaking, he finally manages to hold eye contact, takes a few shaky breaths.]
I wanted to be perfect. [It seems so simple.] Have a good career and a family. If I'd just stopped wanting that for myself and stayed the fat kid, I probably wouldn't have had any of that, and... [He shrugs.] That sounds really stupid, doesn't it? Now that I said it out loud, it sounds really stupid.
[For a moment, he's still. Quiet. He doesn't do well at this, expressing himself. He isn't good at it. It's hard to know what to say to people, but after a moment he speaks again.]
If not me, then who?
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He keeps quiet while Eddie tries to find the words, until he asks his question. ]
No one. The answer's no one.
[ Eddie's eyes look even bluer than usual, with his eyes so red; Cisco doesn't look away from them as he speaks. This strain in Eddie reminds Cisco so much of Barry - that impetus towards heroism comes with a corresponding pride that tends to take responsibility for everything under the sun. For each of them, Cisco knows, that desire to save everyone comes from pain. For Barry, it's the pain of what was done to his mother, the injustice of what happened to his father. For Eddie, he thinks it comes from an idea that he can only have self-worth in the service of others, that being a hero is his way of justifying his own existence on the planet.
Cisco wishes he could make him see that he doesn't need that justification. That it's okay to be flawed - that it's okay to just be. ]
You're not wrong for wanting to be happy. And you're not wrong for... living your life the way you want to, and being the person you wanna be. Whoever that person is. Not sure I really buy the whole 'perfection or bust' mindset, but that's neither here nor there right now. Eobard and everything he did aren't some kind of... comeuppance for your hubris, Eddie.
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His throat is tight and for a few moments, after Cisco finishes speaking, he can't talk. Instead, he just leans his head forward and presses it against Cisco's forehead, breathes carefully, a ragged and trembling thing.]
I guess I just... [He holds his breath for a second, because speaking is hard, physically and mentally. It's hard to come out and say the things he has in his mind because they always sound so stupid out loud.] ...I thought that doing what I did would fix it. That it would be a sacrifice that was worth it and realizing what happened afterward, I thought...maybe it wasn't. Because I just hurt more people.
[His hands come up to cup Cisco's face between them, and he swallows hard, past a lump in his throat.] I saved you, though. [It's breathed out, almost a whisper.] And you make me so happy.
[Another shaky exhalation, and he brushes his thumbs against Cisco's cheekbones, hands still on either side of his face.] Why are you so good to me?
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[ Cisco knows how tempting it can be to think that way. That it's possible to balance the equation - portion out the right amount of penance and things will be okay. But it's just an illusion; the randomness of the universe doesn't care about right or wrong. Which doesn't mean people should stop trying to do right, of course. But for different reasons. ]
You did save me.
[ He remembers it all too well - the way he'd flown through the air when Barry broke the time ship, how the Reverse Flash had sworn he was going to kill Barry, then him and Joe, and then Caitlin and Stein and everyone else...
When Eddie asks why Cisco is so good to him, it makes his chest ache a little. Logically, he knows he's asked the same question himself a dozen times at least, knows the exact emotional place it comes from. Which is why he hates with such vehemence the idea that Eddie is asking it, that he feels so unworthy of being treated kindly that it leaves him confused. ]
Gosh, I don't know. Guess I must like you or somethin'.
[ He kisses Eddie, then. Not for too long, and not too insistent. More of a gesture than a kiss. His voice is quieter as he adds, more seriously: ]
Because you're a good person, and you deserve it.
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[It doesn't seem fair. It's hard to wrap his head around the idea that he hadn't done anything wrong, that he couldn't have done anything different, that he hadn't screwed things up somehow. That if he'd just behaved in a different way, done different things, then none of this would have happened. He wouldn't have died, Cisco and Iris and Barry and Joe and everyone else wouldn't have been hurt. Whenever he thinks about Eobard, tries to make it make sense in his head, the only thing that works is that Eddie had done something wrong by wanting a family.]
I guess it's easier to blame myself than accept that.
[His voice is soft, rough, and he falls quiet as Cisco teases him, then leans in to kiss him and afterward says in a voice that's softer and more honest that he thinks Eddie is a good person, and he deserves it. A weak but genuine smile crosses Eddie's face, and he leans in to press a soft kiss against Cisco's lower lip, then sighs softly.]
You're so good, and I just don't know how you put up with my moping sometimes. [A little laugh, equally weak, and he closes his eyes for a moment.] I'll make it up to you. I promise.
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Don't worry about it. Lemme take care of you for once, okay?
[ With that, Cisco gently nudges Eddie back towards the bed, arm looped around his lower back. Part of him wants to tell Eddie that he can just let it out, that he'll feel better if he just cries and gets it out of his system. But he knows better than that by now. It's more difficult for Eddie than it is for him, letting certain kinds of vulnerability show. What he needs is patience, not advice or commentary. ]
I'm glad you talked to Rip. He's gotta know something that'll be helpful.
[ Because he doesn't want Eddie only thinking about the past - not when there's a future ahead of them in which the chances of being able to save him just got a little bit better. ]
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So when Cisco wraps an arm around his back and asks to be allowed to take care of him, walks to the bed with him and sits close, it makes his throat tight all over again. He settles and nods and can't reply because he can't talk past the lump in his throat until Cisco changes the subject.]
So am I. Most of what he said went totally over my head, but I thought you'd probably understand it. And he seemed pretty willing to help. It kind of surprised me, since he seemed kinda harsh at first. I thought he might be mad that I messed up the timeline, but...
[Rip had also said it was beyond his control, that he couldn't help it. Its just hard to accept or believe.]
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If what I've heard from Ray's true, he's personally done a hell of a lot more to mess up the timeline than you. Than either of us.
[ They'd nearly changed the outcome of the Cold War: that's bigger than Eddie erasing one man from existence by killing himself, even with the singularity factored in. But Cisco isn't actually judgmental of the fact that Rip's intervened. Quite the opposite. ]
That's good, though. It means when he says he's willing to help, he means it. He's willing to do the right thing even if it's hard. And saving you's the right thing, so... he'll have our backs, probably. Which is awesome.
[ Cisco turns to plant a kiss on Eddie's temple. There are no guarantees, but Cisco isn't going to let his optimism flag. He'll believe enough for the both of them, work hard enough, and they'll find a way. He knows they will. ]
Well Ray said that instead of just asking, he just grabbed all of them and then showed them what the world would look like if they didn't stop Savage. I don't think tact's really his thing, somehow.
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For now, he tries to go along with what Cisco is doing, distracting and focusing on the positive, listens to him talking about what he knows about Rip, about what that might mean for him and his future. For their future.]
You're right. He seems like that kind of person. I'm not sure I trust him yet, but...it might mean something good.
[Eddie takes another breath, then shifts against the bed, leans over and rests his head against Cisco's shoulder, swallows hard.]
I could use more good. Getting closer to being able to go home. [A shaky exhalation.] What do you think life would be like? Back home?
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