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What?

[When Cisco says that he doesn't want to go home, Eddie's head jerks up and he stares at him, pale eyes a little wide. That's...definitely not something he'd been expecting. Cisco had always seemed so in his element at STAR Labs, so comfortable and happy in his role on Team Flash, Eddie had just assumed he'd want to go back to it. That he'd want to be in the place he came from, his home, where he belonged.

But after a moment, it makes a bit of sense. They keep saying that people only come here when they feel displaced, like they don't belong. So something must have been making Cisco feel that way. Eddie's just surprised that feeling was strong enough that Cisco doesn't want to go back.

Cisco's fingers are gentle in his hair, and then the side of his head presses against Eddie's head, and he can feel the warm brush of Cisco's long hair against his cheek. Swallowing hard, Eddie leans a bit to the side, relaxing a bit into the solid warmth of Cisco's body, the slightly surprising strength of his arm. And he listens, quietly, to Cisco's voice as he explains his history with his parents and family, that he'd never felt like the priority, and Eddie can see that, a little, in how Cisco asks. How eager to please he'd been around the Labs. How much he'd wanted a father figure in the form of Harrison Wells.

Shifting a bit, Eddie snakes an arm around Cisco's waist and exhales softly. He can smell Cisco's hair, can feel the warmth of him, and it's good, it makes some of the empty loneliness recede.]

Well, I don't know about me, and what I deserve. But I definitely know that you're right, and that's not how you should've been treated. You're a genius, and you're always saving the world, protecting your friends. They should be proud of you.

[ Eddie's response doesn't surprise Cisco - one of the reasons he's put off bringing it up is that he'd known Eddie wouldn't be expecting it. Plus, up until this point, it had seemed somehow entitled. Selfish, even. Eddie wants to go back to Central City, but he can't. Cisco can go back to Central City, but he doesn't want to. Who is he to throw away a world that Eddie would probably give just about anything to get back?

He merely shrugs in response to Eddie's 'what', and then offers: ]

I mean. I can... if you really want to know why, I can try to explain but. Really not trying to sit here and just talk about me. I just brought it up 'cause I'm definitely in the majority, here.

[ Cisco feels Eddie shift, lean a little more of his weight against him, and he compensates for that easily, moving just the tiny bit that is necessary to make room for Eddie's arm at his back. It's a very strange feeling. Eddie stating so simply that Cisco's parents should be proud of him. Is that really how Eddie sees him? A genius, someone who saves the world? Not just a nerd with a sweet tooth who happened to be in the right place at the right time to occasionally lend a tiny bit of help to the real heroes? ]

They're not. And they're never gonna be. But at least now I get that that's their issue, not mine. I mean, I could probably literally raise someone from the dead in front of them, miracle-style, and they'd just ask if I'd given any thought to a haircut.

[ He really is trying not to use humor as a shield, right now, but he needs it just a little. Just to talk about this one thing that is actually still a bit more painful than he's letting on. ]

You're so quick to compliment everybody but yourself. You do know that, right? [ Cisco sighs, eyes slipping shut a moment. It just... sucks. He sees way too much of himself in Eddie thinking he's not good enough, but it's so obvious to him that Eddie is ten thousand times better than him on his best day. ] Anybody'd be lucky to have you. Seriously. Like, I remember one of the first times we ever met. You remember that dive bar, I think you and Iris played darts? It was right around when all those mysterious explosions were happening. Well, me and Caitlin and Barry were sitting drinking shots, literally talking about how unfair it was that somebody like you existed. Like you were just making the rest of us look bad by existing, you were that great.

[It doesn't even occur to Eddie that it could be selfish - he might be jealous that Cisco can go back if he chooses, while Eddie can't, and of course he's homesick, but the idea that he would think it was selfish for someone to not want the same thing as him is absurd. When Cisco protests that he wasn't trying to sit here and talk about himself, Eddie smiles a bit, because it seems like maybe it would be good for Cisco to talk about himself for a while, and maybe it would be nice for Eddie to listen. Maybe it's deflecting a bit, but it's easier for him to listen, and it's easier for him to accept what Cisco is saying when it's accompanied by stories about what he's learned in his own life.

So while Cisco explains that his parents aren't proud of him, and they never will be, but that he's learned that it's their issue and not his, Eddie tries to take it to heart. For a moment, he believes it - that Taako not wanting to take a chance and try something serious with him was Taako's problem (or at least just a fundamental incompatibility) and not because there's something wrong with Eddie; that Iris saying she loved him while so obviously wanting to be with Barry was Iris' problem and not that there's something wrong with Eddie.

But he only manages to believe it for a moment, before the overwhelming feeling that somehow Eddie is just fundamentally incapable of being worth investing time and emotion and energy into comes swelling back. His throat goes tight and that sensation only increases as Cisco starts saying that he's quick to compliment everyone but himself, tells him about how Caitlin and Barry and Cisco had complained that he made them look bad by existing. Shaking his head, eyes stinging, he laughs in a sort of slightly choked way, but manages to keep himself from actually crying, though the emotion is obvious in his voice.]

It's fake. I only look good from the outside, you know? I think there's just not enough there to keep anyone's attention. I'm not interesting or funny or...you know. Anyway. I liked it better when we were talking about you. We should do that again.

Edited 2017-07-22 06:27 (UTC)

[ He can hear it, of course. The tightness to Eddie's voice as he holds back tears. It's worse, somehow, than if he just let them flow. There's pain, but not just pain - shame, and this pathetic sham of acting like he's just fine. ]

Well, I'm a stubborn motherfucker when I wanna be, and I feel like maybe right now the one we oughta be talking about is you.

[ Cisco uses the hand that's been smoothing over Eddie's hair, gently tugging on a lock of it just above his ear, making an overblown 'hmmm' noise as he does so, as if considering a particularly tricky problem. ]

Hair's not fake... haven't seen any denture cream so I know your teeth aren't fake...

[ He makes a show of looking around the room. ]

I don't see any speakers to pipe in a laugh track, so you being funny definitely isn't fake. You've made me laugh in this room like at least ten times. I think Yuri might've laughed one of those times, too, and that's double the points.

[ Cisco keeps going, doesn't allow even a moment of pause for Eddie to interrupt him; his voice gets a little lower, a little less jokey as he continues: ]

And you've never backstabbed me, or used me for your own gain, or looked down on me, or made fun of me, so you being a nice person isn't fake.

[ His voice is getting a little hoarse now for talking so long without giving himself a break, but he doesn't stop: ]

And you didn't have a secret twin or clone or replicant who caught all those bad guys in Central City, and here too, or who did courageous stuff all the time, or who literally saved my life, so you being brave isn't fake.

[ Cisco has finally run out of steam, but he finishes, quietly: ]

I dunno, man. Seems like there's plenty there to me.

[Eddie manages the lightheartedness to wrinkle his nose when Cisco says that he's stubborn and thinks that they should be talking about Eddie. He doesn't particularly agree, he's curious about why Cisco doesn't want to go home, but Cisco seems pretty intent on trying to counter everything Eddie just said about himself. There's a light tug at his hair, a comment about his teeth, about making Cisco and Yuri laugh, about not using or betraying Cisco, and all the things he'd done for his job back home and here.

Licking his lips, Eddie glances down at his own knee, exhaling a slightly heavy thigh. The way Cisco is talking - it's nice to hear, all these positive things about himself, but at the same time, he thinks maybe Cisco missed the point of what he meant. That he didn't mean his hair and teeth and the things he's done are fake, but that there's just something inside him that's somehow missing or broken or not good enough to make his appeal long-term or deep. That maybe there's something shallow about him that makes people get tired of him or not want to commit in a real, unwavering way.

But he doesn't know how to say it.

So he just chews on his inner lip for a few moments, swallowing hard, still feeling that burn of tears in his eyes and throat, trying to work out how to respond. After a moment, he exhales, tries to take some of the pressure off by doing it.]

That's not what I mean. It's more like... [He swallows hard.] ...like doing the normal things that cops do, or making my hair look like a magazine, or the way my teeth look - totally because of braces, by the way - those aren't what I mean. I mean the stuff inside me. The stuff that makes me who I am. I'm not interesting or unique, there's not enough there to keep people interested enough that they actually want to commit or only want me.

[Curling his fingers, Eddie scrapes his blunt nails along the ridges of his jeans, swallowing hard again, avoiding eye contact.]

I get it. It's probably hard to understand for someone like you. You have so much stuff going on, so many interests and so much personality, and you're unique and smart and all that. I'm not like that.

[ Cisco listens quietly; he can hear the way Eddie is tearing the words out of himself. Cisco isn't aware a lot of the time, how polished Eddie's surfaces are, how refined the way he presents himself. But now, seeing him like this, tense and holding back tears, the difference is startling. He is not so much a man as a raw nerve, and Cisco is silent. When Eddie is finally quiet for long enough that Cisco is sure he won't be interrupting, he starts to speak. The energy and slight humor from earlier, when he was listing Eddie's good traits, is gone. Now, he just speaks softly, almost tenderly. ]

I guess I just don't see the distinction, between the things you do, and who you are. Like - okay, not the teeth. Maybe not even the cop stuff. But... I don't know, to me, your... your kindness? Your bravery, your sense of right and wrong, your goodness? That is who you are.

[ Cisco reaches over with his free hand, covering Eddie's hand with his, stopping that restless scratching. He keeps holding on, smoothing his thumb against the back of Eddie's hand, trying to catch his eyes as he says: ]

Anybody who thinks you're not interesting isn't very good at paying attention. And anybody who doesn't realize you're unique is an idiot. You just- you just can't see it. But I do.

[It's a losing battle, he thinks, trying to make Cisco understand that there's something wrong with him. And it's strange, because to Eddie it seems so obvious, so evident, that he's just not good enough. Not enough in general. He keeps scraping at his jeans until Cisco takes his hand, rubs his thumb gently against the back of his hand, the calluses sliding over the slightly raised tendons there, the soft blond hairs, just under the knob of his wrist.

Eddie closes his eyes for a moment, trying to breathe, slow and steady and even, trying to internalize what Cisco is saying, but it slides off him. Maybe it's just not the right time, everything is too raw and open. He can't internalize it, can't believe it. It feels like a pep talk, without any substance, though it isn't because he thinks Cisco is being insincere, he just feels like maybe Cisco doesn't know enough about him. Doesn't see anything but the shiny outside of him, carefully cultivated so he never has to feel like he did when he was in high school again.]

Sounds to me like maybe you don't know me well enough yet.

[It's supposed to be a joke, but it comes out a little too serious, more serious than he intends, falls flat.]

[ Cisco watches Eddie controlling his breathing, closing his eyes against Cisco's attempt to make eye contact. But he isn't daunted, or discouraged. He's developed a certain degree of patience with being shut out; Caitlin had taught him that. The trick, he's found, is not to give up. People like Eddie, like Caitlin - they were used to people just giving up after one rebuff, maybe two. But Cisco is nothing if not persistent, and full of love. ]

Sounds to me like you might have a bit of stubborn in you, too.

[ He shifts, pulling his feet up onto the couch and tucking them up beside him, so he can lean against Eddie a little more fully. Cisco knows that when words aren't cutting it, presence can do a lot. He isn't going anywhere, and he isn't going to let Eddie deflect or change the subject. ]

Seriously, though, Eddie. Listen to me. Fuck unique. Fuck... "interesting". [ The scare quotes are purely in his inflection, since his hand is still on Eddie's ] You know who was unique? The Trickster. You know who was "interesting"? Captain Cold. But you think anybody wants to date guys like that? Wants to fall in love with them? Nobody but the crazy groupies.

You're a good man. You're good, and you sing power ballads in the shower, and anytime you wear a belt you fidget with it nonstop, and someday you're gonna meet someone amazing and that's gonna be so way more than enough for them.

[Eddie's eyes open when Cisco calls him out on being stubborn, and he turns his head a bit to look at Cisco while the younger man pulls his feet up onto the couch and leans against him. Instinctively, he shifts to take his weight, his arm tightening around Cisco's waist, listens while he passionately decries the things that being interesting and unique can be, and says that no one wants to date guys like that. Fall in love with them.

For a moment, he thinks...no one wants to fall in love with him either. But there's something about the things that Cisco says, after that, the things that are actually about Eddie. The fact he sings in the shower, the way he fidgets with his belt, and how those things can be appealing, those things that only someone who's lived with him, observed him in those little private moments would see.]

It's because I'm used to wearing a gun belt. [He speaks, his voice low and a little shaky, but he's looking at Cisco, swallowing hard.] They're heavy, so I'm always hiking them up, you know? I run or walk a lot, and they slide down. It just becomes a habit.

[After a moment, he licks his lips, and then rests his head against Cisco's shoulder for a moment. It's hard, but Cisco sounds so intent, so assured of what he's saying, so confident, so informed that it's hard not to at least believe that he believes what he's saying. And maybe that's just enough to get through this, to ride out this particular wave of pain and self-doubt.]

You're good. You know that, right?

[A soft sigh, and some of the tension in his throat eases, his eyes stop stinging, and he keeps his eyes open as he lets his head rest against Cisco's shoulder for a few moments longer.]

Thanks. For staying here, with me. You...want to watch a movie? I could use a distraction.

[ The response it's a cute habit pops immediately into Cisco's head, but now is not the time to say it. In fact... there is never going to be a good time to say it. Because of course, there was a tiny, awful little voice in the back of Cisco's head saying that Eddie was single now, that he and Taako are through with, and maybe...

But that sentence doesn't have an end, and he hates himself for even imagining its beginning. Cisco knows better. He isn't going to let anything ruin their friendship. Isn't planning on humiliating himself and breaking his own heart, for nothing. So he stays quiet, merely sighing and pressing his cheek against the crown of Eddie's head when Eddie calls him good. ]

I try.

[ Cisco is both glad, and just the faintest bit obscurely miserable, that Eddie leaves his head resting on his shoulder. When Eddie suggests his movie, Cisco is quick to fire back with a list of possible films. Distraction is his speciality.

They settle on something feel-good and non-romantic, which ends up having the words fast and also furious in the title. It's loud, and over the top, and absurd, and eventually, even coaxes a few tiny laughs from Eddie. And they don't discuss it, but Cisco stays tucked against Eddie's side through most of the movie, just anchoring him. Being there. ]

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