oh wow i was so going to do that but i was working my way up to it
[ Cisco had assumed Rip wouldn't want to tell him anything that would be useful to him unless he was led to it, or tricked into it. And Eddie had probably just straight-up asked. Which one of them is supposed to be the genius, again? ]
that first bit is promising. how does he know about your family line? what did you tell him?
You were? Whoops. I should've talked to you first.
We're still talking. I messaged him privately so Eobard wouldn't see. But he already knew about the Thawne family line disappearing for unknown reasons, so it wasn't as if I had to hide much of anything. He also said he didn't want any details. So the stupid truce is even still intact.
I asked if he knows to what extent my family line would reform, just waiting on a reply.
[ Cisco hadn't wanted to bring up the truce - he knows how much Eddie hates it, how angry it always makes him. But if Rip already knew the question of lineage was involved in the question of reintroducing Eddie to the timeline... all the better. ]
you can also...
i mean it might be worth telling him you'd be willing to just not have kids when we get you back, if it that'll make it easier on the timeline.
[ It feels a bit presumptuous to suggest Eddie not have kids, but then again, if he'd been willing to die to stop Eobard, surely living without having kids is a less extreme version of that? A better option, now that it's not a life-or-death snap decision. ]
He said he doesn't know the extent but that time has a way of getting what it wants?? Like it's alive or something. I mentioned that specifically if I had kids though.
[And this is complicated. The amount of conversations he and Cisco have had to have about things that don't come up between other couples for years blows his mind sometimes.]
Well, you and I can't have children together anyhow. I've always wanted to be a dad, and it might've been tempting if I were with a woman, but you're not. And there's adoption anyway, and that won't be a risk. Or you having a kid.
I'm sorry, I know it's only been like two and a half months and I probably shouldn't be throwing that kind of thing at you I just don't want to not factor you in. I really like what we have and want to stick it out.
don't be sorry we kinda jumped right into the deep end, didn't we? or.... i mean if you think about it we were in the deep end already before we jumped?
anyway my point is it's all cool. i think i like being factored in.
i didn't know that. about you always wanting to be a dad. i think you would make a great one.
[ Part of Cisco wants to say that even if Eddie adopts - with him or with a woman or by himself even - that it still might pose a risk of leading to Eobard Thawne, somehow. But telling Eddie point-blank that he should just never be involved in raising any kids seems unnecessarily harsh. ]
And I think we were already in the deep end. :) I'm glad that didn't creep you out though. I felt creepy typing it.
Yeah. I guess raising a child is something I always wanted to do. Not if it would lead to eobard, though.
He said this: 'Time finds a way to create what it wants, but re-inserting yourself into it after your demise... well, it may 'cause a shift. For better or worse.
I can't give any reassurances. This is just my educated opinion.'
Okay good. It was just. You know, my thoughts on raising chdren with you. It's a little intense.
Yeah. I'm starting to hate time travel. :(
That's true. But I mean, not to go back to the kids topic again, but there is always you having a child and us raising it as a Ramon. There are a lot of ways around it, if I can't handle not having a kid.
a little. but considering the... considerations, it's necessary.
[ Cisco gets where he's coming from about the time travel - on the one hand, without time travel he would be dead several times over. But then again, without time travel Eobard never would have been in his life at all. As much as Cisco hates him, it's hard to know if that would be better or worse. Even if it had been for his own selfish reasons, he'd changed Cisco's life. ]
exactly, the way i figure it there's probably a hundred different ways to trick a timeline.
[ And...... well, as much as he'd like to put it off more, Cisco thinks that if he doesn't bring this up now, it will slip from procrastination to outright lying. ]
hey, um. what he said about the timeline wanting to happen a certain way. kinda reminds me there's something i've been meaning to tell you.
[ He shouldn't do this by text. He wants to be there, to make sure Eddie takes it okay. ]
Yeah exactly. And if anyone can find a way it's you.
[And that sounds ominous.]
...that sounds promising. I'm hunting down groceries. I'll meet you at your place?
[And he turns right away toward the closest door. The trip to Cisco's place takes more time than usual, because he's feeling more than a little hesitant about what Cisco might have to say.]
[He smiles weakly, shrugs his shoulders. It wasn't an easy conversation, for all that parts of it had been promising, becaus the topic dredged up a lot of things in him he'd rather be over, however unrealistic that is.]
Nothing relevant, I don't think. That I definitely changed my fate and was not meant to die early, which makes me an anomaly, which Stein already told me before I died.
[A beat, and then, as casually as he can, as if he could keep it from being as big a deal to Cisco as it is to him.]
[ Cisco wishes it weren't too late to change his mind about telling Eddie about the singularity, because he just knows Eddie is going to think that is his fault, and he'll be undoing any comfort Rip was able to give him. But... this is a bandaid that needs to get ripped off. Might as well do it, now. Well, as soon as he gets Eddie sitting down on the edge of the bed, and he's sitting close, their knees touching. ]
Yeah, about that. I sorta guessed it wasn't... supposed to happen like that.
[ He runs a hand nervously through his hair, before saying all in a rush. ]
You know I told you about that singularity opening up over the city? Well... I didn't- what I didn't mention is it happened right after you died. I mean, right after. Like. Because you died when you weren't supposed to, I guess. Which you couldn't have known would happen. None of us knew. And it probably wouldn't have happened if the fabric of reality weren't already stretched thin between Barry going back in time and everything Dr. Wells had done and all the rest of it.
[The feeling of dread starts building the moment Cisco gets him sitting down - the fact he wants him sitting, close but not holding his hand, only serves to heighten the feeling. His breathing is already a little short by the time Cisco says 'yeah, about that' - a phrase that has never preceded something good.
Eddie listens quietly and slowly the dread gives way to horror and shock. Eddie isn't looking at Cisco when he finishes speaking, he's staring straight ahead, his lips parted, and he realizes he's taking short, hitched, too-fast breaths.
The singularity had been his fault. The singularity that had destroyed a large part of the city, had killed people, had killed Ronnie, whose wedding to Caitlin he'd attended hours before his death, who Cisco had loved like family. His breath speeds up a little more, and he pulls away from Cisco, not wanting to touch him despite all the excuses Cisco had just made on his behalf.
Eddie had killed those people, destroyed part of the city, killed Ronnie only a few hours after his wedding, while trying to be a damn hero. His breath catches in his throat with a strangled little hiccup noise and he stands abruptly, steps away from the bed, starts pacing aimlessly with both hands up and twined into his hair, pulling hard.
Waste of a life, waste of a man.
Somehow he'd managed to be even worse an influence on the timeline, on the people in his life and the lives of people he cares about, than Eobard had said, and it's his own damn fault. His breath hitches again and he realizes his eyes are stinging and his chest is aching and his throat is closed off so he can't apologize to Cisco the way he wants to. Can't babble apologies and beg for some way to get redemption and communicate how much he hates himself right now.]
[ He'd thought Eddie might take it badly, and he'd been right. Not because it reminded him of his own death - they've both gotten better at talking about that without letting it get to them too much. No, this is guilt, pure and simple. Cisco can almost see the puzzle pieces clicking together in Eddie's mind. Cisco knows Barry didn't mention the singularity to him at all, the last time he'd checked, and Cisco himself hadn't told him much. Only that it happened, that there had been some damage, some casualties. That Ronnie had been one of them.
Cisco watches as Eddie's breath goes strained and his eyes take on that distant, hollow look that Cisco hates. When Eddie first pulls away, Cisco lets him have his space. But then Eddie stands up and starts pacing, pulling at his hair, and that's when Cisco gets really alarmed. It's hitting him worse than he'd expected. ]
Hey, hey hey...
[ Cisco stands, too, gets right in Eddie's way, reaches up and stops him by gripping his shoulders. Eddie recoils from him at first, but Cisco doesn't let him. When Eddie is upset, he withdraws, retreats into himself, and Cisco isn't going to allow it. Not when he is right here. So he brings his hands up to cover Eddie's, to pull them out of his hair, as gently as he can, but as insistently as he needs to. Then Cisco hugs Eddie, pulls his head down to rest against Cisco's shoulder, cradles it there as he says: ]
Eddie- you. What you did, it saved our lives. Saved my life. If you hadn't stopped him, who knows how many more people Dr. Wells would have killed. And... and for all we know he would have done something on his own to upset the timeline enough to open up a singularity. He was so dead-set on getting home.
[ Cisco wants desperately to be able to tell Eddie that it wasn't his death that caused the singularity, or that the destruction hadn't been all that bad. But he can't lie to him. As painful as the truth is. After all, if they're working on finding a way of bringing him back home, he would find out the full extent of it sooner or later. ]
[Eddie's lost enough in his own head that he doesn't register when Cisco stands up - it's only when Cisco is suddenly in front of him and grabbing for his shoulders that he really sees him. And he feels guilty for it, but he can't stop himself from recoiling. It's partly a startle response, and partly because Eddie is having one of those moments where being touched feels like too much and all he wants is to have his own space, to push people away from him, to retreat somewhere safe until he can put the smiles back on.
So his whole body is rigid as Cisco keeps his hands insistently in place, then reaches up to take his hands, pull them out of his hair. He's still stiff as Cisco holds them, his heart hammering in his chest and his breath still too fast and too light, but his eyes find Cisco's face. Search it for any sign of rejection or hatred or betrayal at Eddie being the one to hurt his friends this time, to hurt his family. But there's nothing.
Instead, Cisco reaches up to take hold of him, pulling him down by the shoulder, pressing his head against his shoulder, face tucked into the crook of his neck, and Eddie stays stiff for just a moment before his whole body slumps. It's terrible, to be accepting comfort from Cisco when he's killed people trying to be a hero, killed someone Cisco cares about. But still, guiltily, hating himself, he lets his arms come up and wrap loosely around Cisco's waist, acknowledging the comfort, inhaling the scent of him.
Eddie can feel his brain starting to go a little muddled, to fall into that sneaky pattern of self-flagellation he'd gotten into the habit of during those weeks under S.T.A.R. Labs, thinking himself in circles. He can feel it starting, and so he tries to focus, to shut down, to listen to what Cisco is saying.
And having someone here who cares, who was directly affected, who doesn't seem angry at him, doesn't blame him - it helps. He's thought so many times that one of the things he cherishes about having a relationship is having someone on his side, someone to support him. And Cisco is doing that. But it's not fair to let him do it at his own expense, and so after a few moments, Eddie speaks, voice rough and hoarse.]
[ Cisco's voice has gone low, too, and there is no trace of anger or blame in it. He had almost said you didn't kill anyone, but of course, that's not true. Eddie had killed himself, after all. And even if there were reasons, and even though Cisco is trying to find a way to undo it... that had still happened.
But he is immensely relieved when Eddie hugs him back and he feels the tension bleeding out of him. Cisco can work with this. He can be a comfort, because he's been there. ]
Look... I know how you feel right now. Or, I think I do, anyway. It's probably pretty much exactly how I felt after the particle accelerator I spent years helping to build exploded and a lot of people died. I carried that around for a long time. But y'know what? That wasn't any more my fault than the singularity was yours. There was no way you could know... and it wasn't only what you did. It was all of us, helping Barry go back in time in the first place. It was- Eobard, putting you in the position where you felt like you had to do what you did.
[ Cisco's arms tighten around Eddie, voice going fervent as he adds: ]
Ronnie sacrificed himself, just like you did. He and Stein flew into the singularity and then separated so their energy would close it. He knew the risks, and he made that choice. You were both heroes.
[After a few minutes, it's easier to relax and let Cisco hold him, cradle him against his shoulder and neck, and Eddie's arms tighten around his waist a little, clinging to him. So he stays still and accepts the comfort, and when Cisco starts talking he listens, because Cisco always knows what to say, to make everything better. Because Cisco approaches things in a different way than he does, he thinks in a way that gives him more options, and Cisco had said it himself - Eddie traps himself in one outcome and gives up. Cisco doesn't. Eddie is ready to abandon himself to having failed in yet another way. But Cisco isn't.
And Cisco explains, sympathizes from a place of empathy and understanding and shared experience at carrying the weight of something that wasn't his fault. It's hard, for Eddie to refuse to accept responsibility for the singularity - his entire life, he's been pushed to accept responsibility, to be responsible, and it's hard to let go of that. But he tries, because even if he doesn't believe in himself right now, Cisco does.
And then he explains more about the circumstances of Ronnie's death, that he'd made the choice to do what he did, that he was a hero. And Cisco calls them both heroes, but Eddie has a hard time believing that about himself. He shakes his head, takes a shuddery breath, can't bring himself to lift his head when he speaks, because he can't see Cisco's face right now.]
I just...I keep thinking I shouldn't have done it. That I could have found another way, I just...there was no right choice to make. But it sounds like such an excuse, when I did so much damage.
[ Cisco keeps holding onto Eddie, bringing his hand down to rub at his back, mindless soothing circles. As hard as it is seeing him like this, it's better than letting him shut himself off, internalize all this and come out the other end hating himself, feeling like he is a failure or worthless or any of the other awful things Cisco knows he thinks about himself sometimes. ]
Listen. The only damage you did, the only damage you did was to yourself. Everything else, the singularity, that was because of Eobard. Because he choose to come back in time hundreds of years to kill a kid and then got stuck and spent a decade messing with the timeline all because he was selfish and didn't care how many people he hurt trying to get home. So if you wanna blame someone, blame him. You were being selfless and just trying to save as many people as you could in the best way you knew how. And... and even if shooting yourself was a mistake, it doesn't make you guilty of all the stuff you had no control over.
[ Cisco doesn't know if he ought to tell Eddie he had done the right thing, sacrificing his life. Maybe he should, but he can't bring himself to. If Eddie hadn't done it, Cisco knows he might have died, they all might have died. But he also knows that Eddie's snap decision to kill himself had been about more than just nobly saving all of them. That was a big part of it, but there had also been other factors. And Cisco doesn't really want to discourage him regretting that decision, because some part of him is still scared Eddie will think it's a viable option in the future, if Eobard goes back to his old tricks. ]
[Despite Cisco's reassurances, his comfort, the way he holds him and tries to get through to him, to explain why it wasn't his fault, why the only person he'd hurt that day had been himself, Eddie has a hard time with it. The guilt is a living thing, worming into his chest, his gut; the sense of failure is even worse, like a nail driven into him.
Cisco's words are good, but it's almost impossible to really believe them. Even if Cisco believes it, even if he's earnest, even if it makes sense, Eddie can't bring himself to throw all that blame on Eobard. There had to have been a way that didn't hurt anyone, or at least hurt fewer people. There's no way to think of himself as selfless anymore - he had died thinking he was a hero, but he had only managed to hurt people, destroy things, and hurt the people he loved.
Burying his face into Cisco's neck, he hides for a while, inhaling the comforting scent of him, letting him rub his back with strong, warm hands, comforting himself with Cisco's presence. For a moment, the desire to push Cisco away overwhelms the desire for comfort, because he doesn't deserve something so nice. Doesn't deserve to be cared about or loved, Eobard had made that intensely clear, and Eobard had been right about it, he thinks. Useless, and damaging.
Breath hitching again, he bites the inside of his lip, and is quiet, for a few moments. Unable to speak, he expresses what he's feeling by closing his fists into the back of Cisco's shirt, fingers digging into fabric.]
[ He doesn't know what else to say, what else to do, except to keep holding him. This isn't the first time Cisco has found himself in a situation like this. After the singularity, Barry had blamed himself, had gone all lone wolf and cut off his friends and his loved ones for months. He thought it was his fault because he'd taken Eobard's devil's bargain and gone back to save his mom, only to change his mind. And Caitlin, too, had held herself responsible for Ronnie's death, had gone off to be alone with her grief at Mercury Labs.
For just a moment, Cisco wonders if he'll lose Eddie for a while, too, over this. But he shoves that thought down as far as he can, out of sight. ]
[He's not sure why Cisco is apologizing, when none of this was his fault. Cisco was one of the blameless ones, him and Iris and Joe, Ronnie and Caitlin. The people who hadn't done anything to contribute to what had happened, people who were victims. Even if he throws all the fault on Eobard, Eobard is still his responsibility, his descendant, his fault. Eobard came from him, and he can't just ignore that either. Eddie was the one who deserved to die because of Eobard, and no one else. Not Ronnie. Not anyone.
His eyes squeeze closed and he shivers a little, exhaling a rush of breath, resting his weight against Cisco, and when Cisco begs him to let him help, for Eddie to talk to him, he swallows hard, gnaws at his lower lip. With his brain going a million miles an hour, all sickening guilt that burns in his gut like acid, it's hard to work out what words he could say that would make sense.
After a moment, he exhales shakily, and speaks, his voice a little hitched.]
Why? Just because he's your great, great, great grandson, or whatever?! How is that on you? [ Cisco keeps smoothing his hand over Eddie's back as he speaks. ] I get it. In whatever distant way, he's family, and family stuff's complicated. But Eddie... don't you get it that saying it's your fault makes no sense. You didn't raise him. You didn't raise whoever raised him. It's so far removed... I don't even know who my great great great grandfather was. But I do know that, whoever he was, he certainly wasn't responsible for making me a good person, or a bad person, or an engineer, or whatever.
[ Cisco knows that Eddie's feeling of guilt isn't coming from a place of logic, that logical arguments probably aren't the way to alleviate it. But the idea that Eddie is responsible for Eobard is abhorrent to him - moreso than he would have anticipated. He takes a moment to sift through his thoughts, to understand why that line of reasoning upsets him. Once he realizes, he speaks again, quietly but firmly. ]
Look, I know- I know how easy it is, to see everything as your own personal fuck-up. But don't you see... trying to assign blame to other people for the things he did, that's a slippery slope. Is Barry responsible for Eobard, because he was the one he came back to kill? Is the real Harrison Wells, for providing him an identity he could use that people would trust? Am I responsible for him, for not saying the right thing at the right moment to make him change his ways?
[As much as Cisco might not think logic would work, it does have a surprisingly strong impact on Eddie. Empathetic and emotional as he is, he's a logical person. He understands cause and effect, action and consequence, and when Cisco explains things the way he does, it makes sense. Especially when he equates it to his own life, what he knows about his own family tree.
It makes sense, and it alleviates some of Eddie's fears. His body relaxes a little as he rests against Cisco, lets his strong hands rub firm gentle circles against his back. He accepts the comfort for a few moments, and listens. When Cisco starts equating it to things that Barry or Harrison or Cisco himself could have done to stop Eobard, he starts shaking his head a little, breath catching in his throat, because that's not how it is in his head. It's not the reasoning he was following.]
No, no. [He lifts his head so he can look at Cisco, jaw a little tight against the embarrassment of knowing his eyes are red-rimmed and stinging, even if he hasn't cried. But he wants to be looking Cisco in the face when he says it.]
I know that I didn't do anything to make him the way he is, and there's nothing...absolutely nothing, that you or Barry or Harrison did wrong to make him the way he is. No one could have changed that. [He swallows hard, and he can't hold eye contact, not while saying the next part.]
What is my fault is that he exists in the first place. He came from me, my bloodline. I'm not naive enough to think there's some evil lurking in my genetics or anything, but if I hadn't done what people do...if I hadn't fallen in love, had a family...he wouldn't exist. Me, doing those things, that's why he had a chance to become what he became for whatever reason he did. If I'd just...if I hadn't been so selfish, insisting on...
[He shakes his head, swallows hard past a dry lump in his throat.]
That's why I was the only one who deserved to die to take him out of the timeline. Not Ronnie, not any of the other people who were hurt or killed by the singularity. Just me. It should only, ever, have been me.
[ Cisco hates to see Eddie like this; trying hard to open up but still keeping his emotions in check, still controlling himself, because he thinks he needs to. The way Eddie's gaze slides from his makes Cisco's stomach sink with unhappiness. ]
How is any of that selfish? [ His voice is small when he says it, and Cisco brings his hands up to cup Eddie's face. ] There had to be at least a dozen other people who did the same thing to give him that chance. Whoever would've had your kid, and whoever would've married them, and were their parents to blame, too? What about your child's child?
[ Perhaps it is because he hasn't put as much thought into having kids as Eddie had, hadn't wanted it the same way he did, but Cisco still doesn't understand. Except he can hear the strain in Eddie's voice, and his own has started to go a bit funny as he cuts in to say, with a vehemence that's coming close to anger. ]
You didn't deserve to die. Please, Eddie. Please don't say that. It shouldn't have been you. The fact that they died and it's wrong doesn't mean that you dying was right.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ Cisco had assumed Rip wouldn't want to tell him anything that would be useful to him unless he was led to it, or tricked into it. And Eddie had probably just straight-up asked. Which one of them is supposed to be the genius, again? ]
that first bit is promising. how does he know about your family line? what did you tell him?
no subject
We're still talking. I messaged him privately so Eobard wouldn't see. But he already knew about the Thawne family line disappearing for unknown reasons, so it wasn't as if I had to hide much of anything. He also said he didn't want any details. So the stupid truce is even still intact.
I asked if he knows to what extent my family line would reform, just waiting on a reply.
no subject
wow that worked out perfect.
[ Cisco hadn't wanted to bring up the truce - he knows how much Eddie hates it, how angry it always makes him. But if Rip already knew the question of lineage was involved in the question of reintroducing Eddie to the timeline... all the better. ]
you can also...
i mean it might be worth telling him you'd be willing to just not have kids when we get you back, if it that'll make it easier on the timeline.
[ It feels a bit presumptuous to suggest Eddie not have kids, but then again, if he'd been willing to die to stop Eobard, surely living without having kids is a less extreme version of that? A better option, now that it's not a life-or-death snap decision. ]
no subject
[And this is complicated. The amount of conversations he and Cisco have had to have about things that don't come up between other couples for years blows his mind sometimes.]
Well, you and I can't have children together anyhow. I've always wanted to be a dad, and it might've been tempting if I were with a woman, but you're not. And there's adoption anyway, and that won't be a risk. Or you having a kid.
I'm sorry, I know it's only been like two and a half months and I probably shouldn't be throwing that kind of thing at you I just don't want to not factor you in. I really like what we have and want to stick it out.
no subject
don't be sorry we kinda jumped right into the deep end, didn't we? or.... i mean if you think about it we were in the deep end already before we jumped?
anyway my point is it's all cool. i think i like being factored in.
i didn't know that. about you always wanting to be a dad. i think you would make a great one.
[ Part of Cisco wants to say that even if Eddie adopts - with him or with a woman or by himself even - that it still might pose a risk of leading to Eobard Thawne, somehow. But telling Eddie point-blank that he should just never be involved in raising any kids seems unnecessarily harsh. ]
no subject
And I think we were already in the deep end. :) I'm glad that didn't creep you out though. I felt creepy typing it.
Yeah. I guess raising a child is something I always wanted to do. Not if it would lead to eobard, though.
He said this: 'Time finds a way to create what it wants, but re-inserting yourself into it after your demise... well, it may 'cause a shift. For better or worse.
I can't give any reassurances. This is just my educated opinion.'
no subject
shouldn't be surprised it's all cryptic and 'who knows if it'll be better or worse'. 'cause otherwise it's just too easy i guess. 😕
i mean, not all shifts in the timeline are bad. and... even in a worst case scenario, we would have some time to come up with other solutions.
no subject
Yeah. I'm starting to hate time travel. :(
That's true. But I mean, not to go back to the kids topic again, but there is always you having a child and us raising it as a Ramon. There are a lot of ways around it, if I can't handle not having a kid.
no subject
[ Cisco gets where he's coming from about the time travel - on the one hand, without time travel he would be dead several times over. But then again, without time travel Eobard never would have been in his life at all. As much as Cisco hates him, it's hard to know if that would be better or worse. Even if it had been for his own selfish reasons, he'd changed Cisco's life. ]
exactly, the way i figure it there's probably a hundred different ways to trick a timeline.
[ And...... well, as much as he'd like to put it off more, Cisco thinks that if he doesn't bring this up now, it will slip from procrastination to outright lying. ]
hey, um. what he said about the timeline wanting to happen a certain way. kinda reminds me there's something i've been meaning to tell you.
[ He shouldn't do this by text. He wants to be there, to make sure Eddie takes it okay. ]
where are you?
no subject
[And that sounds ominous.]
...that sounds promising. I'm hunting down groceries. I'll meet you at your place?
[And he turns right away toward the closest door. The trip to Cisco's place takes more time than usual, because he's feeling more than a little hesitant about what Cisco might have to say.]
no subject
Has he texted you back anything else?
[ Who's stalling? Not Cisco. ]
no subject
Nothing relevant, I don't think. That I definitely changed my fate and was not meant to die early, which makes me an anomaly, which Stein already told me before I died.
[A beat, and then, as casually as he can, as if he could keep it from being as big a deal to Cisco as it is to him.]
That it wasn't my fault.
no subject
Yeah, about that. I sorta guessed it wasn't... supposed to happen like that.
[ He runs a hand nervously through his hair, before saying all in a rush. ]
You know I told you about that singularity opening up over the city? Well... I didn't- what I didn't mention is it happened right after you died. I mean, right after. Like. Because you died when you weren't supposed to, I guess. Which you couldn't have known would happen. None of us knew. And it probably wouldn't have happened if the fabric of reality weren't already stretched thin between Barry going back in time and everything Dr. Wells had done and all the rest of it.
no subject
Eddie listens quietly and slowly the dread gives way to horror and shock. Eddie isn't looking at Cisco when he finishes speaking, he's staring straight ahead, his lips parted, and he realizes he's taking short, hitched, too-fast breaths.
The singularity had been his fault. The singularity that had destroyed a large part of the city, had killed people, had killed Ronnie, whose wedding to Caitlin he'd attended hours before his death, who Cisco had loved like family. His breath speeds up a little more, and he pulls away from Cisco, not wanting to touch him despite all the excuses Cisco had just made on his behalf.
Eddie had killed those people, destroyed part of the city, killed Ronnie only a few hours after his wedding, while trying to be a damn hero. His breath catches in his throat with a strangled little hiccup noise and he stands abruptly, steps away from the bed, starts pacing aimlessly with both hands up and twined into his hair, pulling hard.
Waste of a life, waste of a man.
Somehow he'd managed to be even worse an influence on the timeline, on the people in his life and the lives of people he cares about, than Eobard had said, and it's his own damn fault. His breath hitches again and he realizes his eyes are stinging and his chest is aching and his throat is closed off so he can't apologize to Cisco the way he wants to. Can't babble apologies and beg for some way to get redemption and communicate how much he hates himself right now.]
no subject
Cisco watches as Eddie's breath goes strained and his eyes take on that distant, hollow look that Cisco hates. When Eddie first pulls away, Cisco lets him have his space. But then Eddie stands up and starts pacing, pulling at his hair, and that's when Cisco gets really alarmed. It's hitting him worse than he'd expected. ]
Hey, hey hey...
[ Cisco stands, too, gets right in Eddie's way, reaches up and stops him by gripping his shoulders. Eddie recoils from him at first, but Cisco doesn't let him. When Eddie is upset, he withdraws, retreats into himself, and Cisco isn't going to allow it. Not when he is right here. So he brings his hands up to cover Eddie's, to pull them out of his hair, as gently as he can, but as insistently as he needs to. Then Cisco hugs Eddie, pulls his head down to rest against Cisco's shoulder, cradles it there as he says: ]
Eddie- you. What you did, it saved our lives. Saved my life. If you hadn't stopped him, who knows how many more people Dr. Wells would have killed. And... and for all we know he would have done something on his own to upset the timeline enough to open up a singularity. He was so dead-set on getting home.
[ Cisco wants desperately to be able to tell Eddie that it wasn't his death that caused the singularity, or that the destruction hadn't been all that bad. But he can't lie to him. As painful as the truth is. After all, if they're working on finding a way of bringing him back home, he would find out the full extent of it sooner or later. ]
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So his whole body is rigid as Cisco keeps his hands insistently in place, then reaches up to take his hands, pull them out of his hair. He's still stiff as Cisco holds them, his heart hammering in his chest and his breath still too fast and too light, but his eyes find Cisco's face. Search it for any sign of rejection or hatred or betrayal at Eddie being the one to hurt his friends this time, to hurt his family. But there's nothing.
Instead, Cisco reaches up to take hold of him, pulling him down by the shoulder, pressing his head against his shoulder, face tucked into the crook of his neck, and Eddie stays stiff for just a moment before his whole body slumps. It's terrible, to be accepting comfort from Cisco when he's killed people trying to be a hero, killed someone Cisco cares about. But still, guiltily, hating himself, he lets his arms come up and wrap loosely around Cisco's waist, acknowledging the comfort, inhaling the scent of him.
Eddie can feel his brain starting to go a little muddled, to fall into that sneaky pattern of self-flagellation he'd gotten into the habit of during those weeks under S.T.A.R. Labs, thinking himself in circles. He can feel it starting, and so he tries to focus, to shut down, to listen to what Cisco is saying.
And having someone here who cares, who was directly affected, who doesn't seem angry at him, doesn't blame him - it helps. He's thought so many times that one of the things he cherishes about having a relationship is having someone on his side, someone to support him. And Cisco is doing that. But it's not fair to let him do it at his own expense, and so after a few moments, Eddie speaks, voice rough and hoarse.]
But I killed Ronnie.
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[ Cisco's voice has gone low, too, and there is no trace of anger or blame in it. He had almost said you didn't kill anyone, but of course, that's not true. Eddie had killed himself, after all. And even if there were reasons, and even though Cisco is trying to find a way to undo it... that had still happened.
But he is immensely relieved when Eddie hugs him back and he feels the tension bleeding out of him. Cisco can work with this. He can be a comfort, because he's been there. ]
Look... I know how you feel right now. Or, I think I do, anyway. It's probably pretty much exactly how I felt after the particle accelerator I spent years helping to build exploded and a lot of people died. I carried that around for a long time. But y'know what? That wasn't any more my fault than the singularity was yours. There was no way you could know... and it wasn't only what you did. It was all of us, helping Barry go back in time in the first place. It was- Eobard, putting you in the position where you felt like you had to do what you did.
[ Cisco's arms tighten around Eddie, voice going fervent as he adds: ]
Ronnie sacrificed himself, just like you did. He and Stein flew into the singularity and then separated so their energy would close it. He knew the risks, and he made that choice. You were both heroes.
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And Cisco explains, sympathizes from a place of empathy and understanding and shared experience at carrying the weight of something that wasn't his fault. It's hard, for Eddie to refuse to accept responsibility for the singularity - his entire life, he's been pushed to accept responsibility, to be responsible, and it's hard to let go of that. But he tries, because even if he doesn't believe in himself right now, Cisco does.
And then he explains more about the circumstances of Ronnie's death, that he'd made the choice to do what he did, that he was a hero. And Cisco calls them both heroes, but Eddie has a hard time believing that about himself. He shakes his head, takes a shuddery breath, can't bring himself to lift his head when he speaks, because he can't see Cisco's face right now.]
I just...I keep thinking I shouldn't have done it. That I could have found another way, I just...there was no right choice to make. But it sounds like such an excuse, when I did so much damage.
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Listen. The only damage you did, the only damage you did was to yourself. Everything else, the singularity, that was because of Eobard. Because he choose to come back in time hundreds of years to kill a kid and then got stuck and spent a decade messing with the timeline all because he was selfish and didn't care how many people he hurt trying to get home. So if you wanna blame someone, blame him. You were being selfless and just trying to save as many people as you could in the best way you knew how. And... and even if shooting yourself was a mistake, it doesn't make you guilty of all the stuff you had no control over.
[ Cisco doesn't know if he ought to tell Eddie he had done the right thing, sacrificing his life. Maybe he should, but he can't bring himself to. If Eddie hadn't done it, Cisco knows he might have died, they all might have died. But he also knows that Eddie's snap decision to kill himself had been about more than just nobly saving all of them. That was a big part of it, but there had also been other factors. And Cisco doesn't really want to discourage him regretting that decision, because some part of him is still scared Eddie will think it's a viable option in the future, if Eobard goes back to his old tricks. ]
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Cisco's words are good, but it's almost impossible to really believe them. Even if Cisco believes it, even if he's earnest, even if it makes sense, Eddie can't bring himself to throw all that blame on Eobard. There had to have been a way that didn't hurt anyone, or at least hurt fewer people. There's no way to think of himself as selfless anymore - he had died thinking he was a hero, but he had only managed to hurt people, destroy things, and hurt the people he loved.
Burying his face into Cisco's neck, he hides for a while, inhaling the comforting scent of him, letting him rub his back with strong, warm hands, comforting himself with Cisco's presence. For a moment, the desire to push Cisco away overwhelms the desire for comfort, because he doesn't deserve something so nice. Doesn't deserve to be cared about or loved, Eobard had made that intensely clear, and Eobard had been right about it, he thinks. Useless, and damaging.
Breath hitching again, he bites the inside of his lip, and is quiet, for a few moments. Unable to speak, he expresses what he's feeling by closing his fists into the back of Cisco's shirt, fingers digging into fabric.]
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[ He doesn't know what else to say, what else to do, except to keep holding him. This isn't the first time Cisco has found himself in a situation like this. After the singularity, Barry had blamed himself, had gone all lone wolf and cut off his friends and his loved ones for months. He thought it was his fault because he'd taken Eobard's devil's bargain and gone back to save his mom, only to change his mind. And Caitlin, too, had held herself responsible for Ronnie's death, had gone off to be alone with her grief at Mercury Labs.
For just a moment, Cisco wonders if he'll lose Eddie for a while, too, over this. But he shoves that thought down as far as he can, out of sight. ]
Let me help you? Please? Talk to me?
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His eyes squeeze closed and he shivers a little, exhaling a rush of breath, resting his weight against Cisco, and when Cisco begs him to let him help, for Eddie to talk to him, he swallows hard, gnaws at his lower lip. With his brain going a million miles an hour, all sickening guilt that burns in his gut like acid, it's hard to work out what words he could say that would make sense.
After a moment, he exhales shakily, and speaks, his voice a little hitched.]
I...Eobard is my fault too. My responsibility.
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[ Cisco knows that Eddie's feeling of guilt isn't coming from a place of logic, that logical arguments probably aren't the way to alleviate it. But the idea that Eddie is responsible for Eobard is abhorrent to him - moreso than he would have anticipated. He takes a moment to sift through his thoughts, to understand why that line of reasoning upsets him. Once he realizes, he speaks again, quietly but firmly. ]
Look, I know- I know how easy it is, to see everything as your own personal fuck-up. But don't you see... trying to assign blame to other people for the things he did, that's a slippery slope. Is Barry responsible for Eobard, because he was the one he came back to kill? Is the real Harrison Wells, for providing him an identity he could use that people would trust? Am I responsible for him, for not saying the right thing at the right moment to make him change his ways?
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It makes sense, and it alleviates some of Eddie's fears. His body relaxes a little as he rests against Cisco, lets his strong hands rub firm gentle circles against his back. He accepts the comfort for a few moments, and listens. When Cisco starts equating it to things that Barry or Harrison or Cisco himself could have done to stop Eobard, he starts shaking his head a little, breath catching in his throat, because that's not how it is in his head. It's not the reasoning he was following.]
No, no. [He lifts his head so he can look at Cisco, jaw a little tight against the embarrassment of knowing his eyes are red-rimmed and stinging, even if he hasn't cried. But he wants to be looking Cisco in the face when he says it.]
I know that I didn't do anything to make him the way he is, and there's nothing...absolutely nothing, that you or Barry or Harrison did wrong to make him the way he is. No one could have changed that. [He swallows hard, and he can't hold eye contact, not while saying the next part.]
What is my fault is that he exists in the first place. He came from me, my bloodline. I'm not naive enough to think there's some evil lurking in my genetics or anything, but if I hadn't done what people do...if I hadn't fallen in love, had a family...he wouldn't exist. Me, doing those things, that's why he had a chance to become what he became for whatever reason he did. If I'd just...if I hadn't been so selfish, insisting on...
[He shakes his head, swallows hard past a dry lump in his throat.]
That's why I was the only one who deserved to die to take him out of the timeline. Not Ronnie, not any of the other people who were hurt or killed by the singularity. Just me. It should only, ever, have been me.
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How is any of that selfish? [ His voice is small when he says it, and Cisco brings his hands up to cup Eddie's face. ] There had to be at least a dozen other people who did the same thing to give him that chance. Whoever would've had your kid, and whoever would've married them, and were their parents to blame, too? What about your child's child?
[ Perhaps it is because he hasn't put as much thought into having kids as Eddie had, hadn't wanted it the same way he did, but Cisco still doesn't understand. Except he can hear the strain in Eddie's voice, and his own has started to go a bit funny as he cuts in to say, with a vehemence that's coming close to anger. ]
You didn't deserve to die. Please, Eddie. Please don't say that. It shouldn't have been you. The fact that they died and it's wrong doesn't mean that you dying was right.
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